tate Posted June 2, 2010 Author Share Posted June 2, 2010 Savignon- I know that you're right, I wish you could feel inside my body, I haven't stopped shaking for hours, I can't stop my heart from thumping and I feel like I'm going to faint, and have done for hours. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this yet, my best friend is halfway round the world and my mum is ill. I have no one to run to if it all gets too much and who would understand. I don't spose I'll ever be ready to deal with this though will I? Who is? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 I don't spose I'll ever be ready to deal with this though will I? Who is? That is exactly right. You're similar to an abused woman with respect to the fact that you don't think you can leave, you don't think you can be alone and you don't think you can do any better. What would tell a woman like that? To suck it up because he's the only one who will really love her? Come on, now. I can tell you're smarter than that. In the end, I don't think your boyfriend is a scumbag...but I do think he's hiding something, he's still into his ex and will tell you stories to get you to stay. Only you can decide if staying will be more destructive to your will and psyche than leaving (or at least confronting the truth) In your shoes, if the guy at least admitted that he still has feelings for his ex but that she's in the past, he wants to be with me and doesn't keep in touch with her, I could find my way forward (I think). However, if he couldn't acknowledge any wrong-doing and shifted the focus to my snooping, it would be in *my* best interest to not get further into a relationship where I routinely took blame and he routinely avoided any responsibility and/or denied what I knew to be true. It wouldn't work for me at all. I hope you'll find the self-preservation to make the right decision for yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AtlanticD Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 Tate: I'm a sufferer of depression, well done for seeking out some neutral support, you really are doing the right things to look start taking better care of yourself. In additon to this could you seek out a counsellor. I've seen a few and after I have to admit a year of trying different ones I've found an experienced grounded counsellor who I see twice a week while I reconstruct the rest of my life. Before that I was clinging to a chap I was engaged to and he left, unfortunately I don't have a family I can rely on or friends with enough life experience to support me. I needed some long term professional help to get on my feet after all depression is an illness not a weakness. For me if it takes 5 years then that's how long it takes. It sounds like you've made some really great steps out of your depression but remember it's you not him who has taken those steps and learnt those skills. Keep going and if you can't afford of get professional help as well as this site then use this site, that's why we're here. No strings attached. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trell Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 uh oh, idk what to say Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NightLily Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 My goodness... In my last relationship I kept having that insecure feeling but I chalked it up to my own paranoia (even though in retrospect I had VERY good reason to be paranoid). I also snooped. AND THANK GOD! I was dating a compulsive liar and had no clue. Oh and yeah, he was also emotionally cheating with his ex. I have no idea what the extent of it was as I don't believe he ever told me much truth at all. Point is, I don't think what you did was wrong. Some might argue otherwise but it is very hard to walk away from a relationship from just a "nagging" feeling that something is off when you think he is the guy for you. The key here is though that it is time for you to walk away. He is just going to have more lies to tell you and it is only going to get more confusing. Personally, I do not feel you owe him an explanation as the break up will just be emotional and perhaps hurt you more. For example, having to sit there and listen to more idiotic lies. I got trapped into listening to my ex's lies for months. So my advice is don't go see him and dump him over email. I kid you not. Some people say that is horrible but I'm really only thinking about you right now and I think that would have been best for me. Because he will probably find a way to suck you back in if you do it in person. And also because I don't think he really deserves your time or your tears. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tate Posted June 2, 2010 Author Share Posted June 2, 2010 I am still trying to get my head around all of this, I know you all have given me great advice, I still need to sort myself out a bit before I attempt to confront all of this, whether it be with him, or just deal with it myself. You see, although I had paranoid feelings, I spose I always thought that it was just paranoia, just like you SUZY Q2513, so finding all that was a huuge shock, i've basically gone from happy, thinking of settling down with a few paranoid niggles, to, by the sounds of it, having no relationship at all, and no one to fall back on or help me back up, because it was him that I fell back on. i don't spose anyone has any useful tips to stop theses anxiety/panic attacks? I can't stand this feeling.x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NightLily Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 Well what happened to me was sitting right there on his desktop was stuff sent to her and in the first lines (all I read .. OK it is a long story), but it said "I love you" and called her his kitten. :S I also had a panic attack. Advice on how to stop it.. Are you living with him? You need to get out of the spot where you are first off. Go outside and walk it off. It will definitely be much harder to panic while you are walking outside. You also need to stay away from him. What happened for me was he fed me all these lies and because of the high emotions I wanted to accept it. But don't do what I did! So I think you need to seriously cut him off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tate Posted June 2, 2010 Author Share Posted June 2, 2010 Thankyou for your advice Suzy, can't face going outside, I don't live with him, but he was sposed to be coming over here after he had been out for drinks, but I haven't heard from him, so I am just basically sitting in limbo. Wondering if he will come over, phone me, whether I should answer, I don't know what he is feeling,if he's angry or even if he actually knows what I have seen. Its not as simple as just cutting him off, I have so much stuff over at his flat, stuff I need, and I think i do want to hear what he has to say. I don't think I could just stop thinking about it. i know thats probably not the smartest move, but I need to hear it, even if it's just to get angry at what has been going on. Who knows, he may have guessed exactly what I have seen, and is out getting hammered, and won't contact me all night, so I might just have to sit here and try and sleep, I don't think I want to talk about this whilst he is drunk. You know it's difficult, it's easy to sit on the outside and say that I should just leave him, but its more complicated than that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turnera Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 Why? Do you deserve to date someone who respects you and shares with you and tells you the truth? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digger11 Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 I wouldn't be suprised if he deleted all the offending messages and then gave you the chance to see that you really didn't see anything. He knows that you know and he's probably going to go for damage control. What a jerk jup, I have had a guy do this to me... but I saved the messages on my own before I confronted him. People do this to cover their ass and tell you you read wrong... too bad it's so painful that its permanently burned into your brain.... he is prob cleaning up his email right now too. dude is lying to you. don't let him turn it around on you either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NightLily Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 The reason I'm putting it out there so flatly is because I understand in the emotions right now everything is a total mess. I really do hope you do not stay in a relationship with this guy. It really is this simple.. he isn't a good guy to date you need to end things with him. Maybe you will have that final conversation but you should not date him. My ex was also the "person" in my life if you know what I mean. I had been through a lot before that so it was very difficult to deal with but just lean on this place for support. Definitely don't discuss this while he is drunk and I think if you are going to see him again it would be best to put it off until you aren't in shock and he hasn't been drinking. And by the way, he knows what you were talking about. That is why he changed his password. I'm totally over my ex now and can't even imagine still dating him so this can get better. I'm still angry at him for everything he did though I'll be honest. What helped me the most with the initial period of extreme shock was actually talking to people on here until late into the night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tate Posted June 2, 2010 Author Share Posted June 2, 2010 He just called, he said he honestly didn't know why I was so upset, and i didn't want to go through it on the fone, so I told him I needed to see him so that he couldn't just put down the fone and that would be it. I didn't bring up any of the details, and he said he doesn't know what to do, he doesn't know whether to apologise or be angry because he doesn't know whats going on. I'm so confused, he has definitely changed his password, but maybe he was doing that because he knew I was being paranoid and didn't want anything being turned out of nothing. I didn't find the messages in the normal bit, they were in sent, so maybe he deleted them all out of his inbox ages ago, but they stayed in his sent. Is that possible? Because then although he may has sent them, he might not realise that they are still there to be seen, so doesn't know exactly what I'm talking about. He may think I'm causing a fuss about just being friends with someone........I am truly suprised that he had no idea, he didn't even sound like he was lying, but then how would i know?!?! I know it wasn't very strong of me, but I asked him if he loved me more than anyone else, in the past or otherwise and told him that the grass wouldn't be greener, he said he had no intention of looking elsewhere and that he was happy with the grass he has! He is going to call me back before bed, he said he's had a really hard day at work, and will have another one tomorrow so that is why he is staying at his tonight..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digger11 Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 "I'm so confused, he has definitely changed his password, but maybe he was doing that because he knew I was being paranoid and didn't want anything being turned out of nothing" NO! he changed the pword because has something to hide. he is staying at his place because he doesn't want to face the music. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 "I'm so confused, he has definitely changed his password, but maybe he was doing that because he knew I was being paranoid and didn't want anything being turned out of nothing" NO! he changed the pword because has something to hide. he is staying at his place because he doesn't want to face the music. Agree! How could exchanging messages with an ex not be anything? He's busted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sanesoul Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 I agree with digger. He's in what I like to call the "Oh Shyte" stage. He doesn't want to face the music, and he knows what he's done so he's trying to do damage control. Don't fall for it. You are teetering here by trying to make excuses for it. If you let him get away with this now, there's no telling what he will try to get away with in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 I agree with digger. He's in what I like to call the "Oh Shyte" stage. He doesn't want to face the music, and he knows what he's done so he's trying to do damage control. Don't fall for it. You are teetering here by trying to make excuses for it. If you let him get away with this now, there's no telling what he will try to get away with in the future. Agree with you too. I see the OP trying to justify things just a bit, so essentially he is going to be able to get one over on her and then once that happens he knows he can do anything and get away with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digger11 Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 yup.... and you know he will make it about her snooping and not the real issue at hand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tate Posted June 2, 2010 Author Share Posted June 2, 2010 Oh guys, i don't know what to say anymore. I would say everything you have been saying to me all this time, but it doesn't seem to be sinking in. I'm really scared, this is exactly what I have been telling myself will happen for so long, kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy, but now that it is, I am totally shocked! Do you think there is ANY chance he has told her he is happy with me, she lives in another country I think, not totally sure, so maybe in the last 3-4 months he has realised he is happy with me and that they would never work? Maybe I have blown it up? I'm so sorry, I don't mean to be ungrateful after all your advice, I just can't get my head around this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digger11 Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 does it matter? he said his biggest mistake was letting his ex go. maybe they aren't together now because of the distance. his changing the password tells everything.... that he is a liar, will continue lying, knows what you're talking about, and knows that he has been caught.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tate Posted June 2, 2010 Author Share Posted June 2, 2010 I'm sorry guys, I know what you're saying, and I understand you are all getting exasperated with me. Yes I am scared he will turn it around about my snooping. He probably will, I would in a way, because I did betray his trust. For all I know he may never have acted on his old feelings, but now I have looked, I don't know how to go back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 I'm sorry guys, I know what you're saying, and I understand you are all getting exasperated with me. Yes I am scared he will turn it around about my snooping. He probably will, I would in a way, because I did betray his trust. For all I know he may never have acted on his old feelings, but now I have looked, I don't know how to go back. Well he betrayed your trust first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soporcogitavi Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 I'm sorry guys, I know what you're saying, and I understand you are all getting exasperated with me. Yes I am scared he will turn it around about my snooping. He probably will, I would in a way, because I did betray his trust. For all I know he may never have acted on his old feelings, but now I have looked, I don't know how to go back. Yes, but the fact of the matter is that he cheated on you emotionally, which is actually worse then physically cheating, in my opinion anyways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tate Posted June 2, 2010 Author Share Posted June 2, 2010 Digger11- you're right, he has lied and I feel completely betrayed, I spose it all boils down to the fact that I don't know if I can confront him because i'm scared of what he will say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sanesoul Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 Digger11- you're right, he has lied and I feel completely betrayed, I spose it all boils down to the fact that I don't know if I can confront him because i'm scared of what he will say. Will you always be afraid of him leaving you? That's what this comes down to right? I don't want you to end up being one of those women who turn a blind eye to what their man does because she doesn't want to rock the boat. You deserve a happy life with a man who respects you and loves ONLY you. It's not that much to ask, really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NightLily Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 OK now I am pretty confident than my initial thoughts were all correct and the wisest thing for you to do would be to just send him an email telling him it is over. He IS trying to pull the lamb's wool over your eyes. He IS trying to turn this around and act like it is nothing. You are going to do a serious emotional number on yourself and get dragged through the mud for months like I did. Lies I heard: "The messages were old. I was just looking over them" "Okay they weren't old, I just copied and pasted the loving parts from old conversations" "I could never try to stay with you if I was still lying to you. I see how much it hurts you and I couldn't do that" (this is after I was already totally broken down) "I swear on my parent's lives I'm not lying" Guess what. It was ALL lies. Guys can lie. And lie a lot. You need to end it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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