How to move in with my boyfriend....

[lostgirlaus]

Hey there, I'm new to this (just registered!) so please bear with me.

 

I'm having major problems at home (I live with just my mum) and really need to get away. My boyfriend of 5 months lives about an hour away from me. Since he lives sort of far away from me we hardly get to see each other except on the weekends where I pretty much stay with him the whole time. Our relationship could do with use seeing each other a lot more often. His family love me and I love them, so we get along great. I really want to move in with him because I can't afford to rent anywhere else at the moment as I've just bought a car and a few other items and I don't work. I currently live in the outer suburbs and there are hardly any jobs around here. My boyfriend has lots of vacancies at his work and also near his house. I've mentioned to him how miserable I am at home and I am actually considering living in my car or pitching a tent near his house just so I can get away from here. He thinks that it's a bad idea (which I also agree) but never offered to let me move in with him directly. He implied it once but nothing further. How do I get him to ask me to move in? I don't want to really say it bluntly. He lives with his family and I'm willing to pay some rent to them once I get a job. I am 18 and he is 22 and I'm planning on doing this after our 6 months in any case. We can't afford to get a place of our own at the moment as he doesn’t earn enough to support us both, and once I get a job I probably won’t either. This way we can stay at home, pay some board and maybe save up for the future and move out. He won't move in with me, not that I'd want him to seeing as I have so many problems at home anyway.

 

Please no replies saying I’m immature, irresponsible, will just mooch off my boyfriend and his family etc. Because I’m not and I won’t. Just because I don't currently have a job doesn't mean I never did. I used to work and saved up for years to buy my car and no my mum didn't sign for it. You can either help me out with some advice, or you can’t. If you can’t, please keep your nasty comments to yourself

 

Thanks xx

[jessica911]

if you keep doing that, you might push your bf away. if he isn't ready there is nothing more you can do.

 

why not move in with a friend for a while?

 

and welcome to ENA

[hers]

Let me tell you from experience that THIS is not how you move in with your boyfriend. It sounds as though you want to move in with him b/c he's your only option and b/c you don't like your current situation. Moving in with each other is a big deal...it should be done b/c you want to make a committment to each other, not b/c it'd be more convenient for either of you. I moved in with a boyfriend at 18 strictly b/c I wanted to play house and live with a boyfriend. It didn't work out. Then I moved in with another boyfriend at 21 b/c I needed a roommate and he was there...that also didn't work out. Neither of those guys was someone I wanted to commit to...they were just people who were there. I'm not with either of them now.

 

It also sounds as though you are trying to guilt your boyfriend into it, jsut by the sound of your post. Manipulative may be a better word. He has no other choice but to feel bad b/c you say you want to live in your car if you have no where else. That's not fair to him...you're making him feel bad. I commend him for not offering his place up yet. He probably knows you guys aren't ready and is sticking to that.

 

And even though you don't want us to say it, you are being a little immature...you're doing htis out of convenience instead of thinking your actions through and planning a future wiht this guy. I recommend not guilting him or manipulating him into a decision, and you shoudl try to find other means of living for the time being.

[misssmithviii]

Why not just ask? Simply just put it out there and ask him sincerely. If he says no, then leave it at that, at least you gave it a shot then.

 

He might not want to live with you just yet, he just might not be ready. Whatever you do, don't pressure him otherwise he could very well become annoyed and less willing.

 

So like I said, just ask. If he says no or doesn't really know what he wants, then leave it be.

[Notreadyet87]

If he hasn't asked you to move in then I would assume that he is not interested in having you live with him.

 

Beyond that it isn't HIS home, it's his PARENTS home, they pay the bills, and they have guidlines, even if your boyfriend wanted you to move in, his parents have to agree to it and who say's they will?

 

I know that nowadays more and more couples are moving in together in alarming rates, but before you jump on the bandwagon please remember that you guys have only been dating for 5 months, that neither of you are financially stable, that you would essentially be living off of his parents(who may not want you there anyway) and that it may be a huge invasion and intrusion in his home life.

 

My parents would never allow my mate to live with them unless we were married, and I know many parents that are that way as well, so before you make plans please be aware that his parents may not feel that it is appropriate.

 

Finally if your boyfriend hasn't asked you to move in then quite frankly you CAN'T get him to do anything unless he wants to, and when he wants to he will ask you.

 

I understand you hate it where you live, but I don't think that is truly a valid reason to live with your boyfriend--who lives with his parents--when your unemployed, 18(very young) and still in the early stages of a relationship.

 

The need to spend more quality time with each other is valid, but I don't know how smoothly living with him would be when you two are living with his parents.

 

I think the best option IMO would be to think about possibly going to school in a different location, searching harder for a job and saving money to move out, and forming a plan that does not involve "getting" someone to let you move in to their parents home.

 

Not trying to be harsh but honestly I think it's too early in the relationship at your age and the situation itself just doesn't seem practical right now.

[AutumnBorn]

Common sense is OK, right?

 

The fastest way to end a relationship is to push things too fast. You're not quite six months in? It's too soon. Did you know couples who live together before engagement and marriage are more likely to get divorced? Couples who live together prior to marriage report less happiness in their marriages, even if they do "make it".

 

If you're just looking to move out, move in with a friend until you get a job, then get your own place. Or set some boundaries with your mother and work on getting a better understanding of each other.

 

Besides, I think he might be more likely to want to live with you if he felt like it was a prize, not something he was pressured into doing.

 

Good luck, no matter what you decide to do.

[rustyschackelf]

Well first I will say that if your primary motivation for moving in with your bf is because you can't stand living at home with your mother anymore, then it is not a good idea to move in with him. You two should move in together because you love each other and want to be with each other always, not because one of you is trying to escape something. Second you do NOT want to move into his house with his family! You are only asking for trouble there, trust me! I know somebody who is currently living with her husband in his parent's house and she is miserable, there is a great deal of tension with all of them living under the same roof, and it is starting to strain their marriage because they don't have their independence. Bottomline is When you two move in together it should be just the two of you out on your own. Also consider that you are both still very young and haven't been together that long, give it time, and if it is meant to be you two will eventually move in together. For right now I would suggest that you stay at home and try to find a job, maybe ask your bf to help you get a job at his work, an hour is really not outrageously far to commute for work. This will also enable you and your bf to spend more time together. Save some money and maybe once you and your bf have been together for at least a year talk about moving in together. Also talk with your mom about the tension between the two of you, perhaps there are things that BOTH of you can do to help you get along with each other. I hope this helps, sorry its so long.

[Notreadyet87]

Also if you do move in with him-I think it's great that you are thinking about helping him with rent, HOWEVER that all is based on the assumption that once you move to his location you'll find a job. In this economy and with the start of summer and many jobs already being snagged up rather quickly, what if you aren't able to find a job in a reasonable time frame? Then what? You'd be essentially living off of him and his parents which could harbour a lot of tension between you and him and his parents.

 

I think that if you TRULY are set on moving in with him then before you present this idea to him, the smart thing to do would be to find a job out where he lives so that you CAN help contribute.

 

I also think that you shouldn't ask him to move in... Rather bring up in a discussion. Tell him that since you guys have been with each other for six months and hardly get to see each other that you've been thinking more and more about sometime in the VERY near future living with one another. Ask him if he is open to that? And then ask him how soon would he be interested in taking the next step--if you had a job, money and would be willing to help with rent etc?

 

Based on what he says that will give you a great gauge on how he feels about it.

 

 

But just asking him "Can I move in to your parents home with you?"

 

Could put him in awkward place. He may feel pressured into saying yes or he may feel pressured into having to get his parents to agree. Either way I personally think that isn't the way to go.

[arcadefire]

If he didn't ask, then it's not an invitation. If I were you, I'd look for a job pronto and start saving up for your own place.

[lostgirlaus]

Hi

 

Firstly I’d like to thank everyone for replying, all your opinions are valued. I’m not trying to move in with him solely because I need to get away from home and have nowhere else to go. I’m in no way planning on using him just to have a roof over my head. We don’t get to see each other often except for weekends, so in my mind this seemed like the perfect opportunity, I get to get away from my mother and I get to live with the man I love, it seemed like a win-win situation. I never planned on forcing myself upon him, guilting or manipulating him. I would have respected his decisions either way; I just wanted to bring to his attention that I’d love nothing better than to spend every day with him.

 

Of course I’d ask his parents before moving in with them, I just simply thought it would be more appropriate to ask him first. After all what use is his parents giving me the go when he isn’t willing to. I know his ex has lived with him in the past, so his parents saying no doesn’t seem to be too much of an issue and I’d be paying board. I know it’s hard to get a job in this economy but he has asked at work and they are ready to hire me immediately.

 

Once again, I’d like to make it clear; I DON’T want to move in only because I need somewhere to live. I want to move in because I love him. Living on the other side of town and rarely seeing him guts me. I hate not being able to see him whenever I like. But now I do realize that I’m not going about this the right way. Is six months still too early for all this?

[_Asti_]

You move in together because your relationship is ready for advancement. Is it? You'd be talking to HIM about this, not us. You do it because you're ready for more, you know what you want out of the relationship [marriage, children, your goals and priorities with each toher are figured out and are working on them together...] your reasons are wrong. Yes you love him, and want to spend time with him, but you can move closer to him, not in with him. If the relationship sint ready, it will fail.

 

The fact you can't seem to figure this out, makes me question your communication style with each other. This should be a simple "Remember when you said I could move in.." and discuss it.

 

But truthfully, I don't think its a healthy set up for the relationship. And at 18, 6 months of dating, its very premature. Your main motivating factor that spurred this is an unhealthy home life and wanting out. If things were just fine at home, odds are you probably wouldn't be wanting to push this issue so soon. Which to me makes it pretty clear that the reasonings, really aren't the right ones. He's your boyfriend, not a guardian angel, or a hotel. What happens if things fail in a few months and you have to move out? You're back in the same position, with no where to go.

 

Find an alternative place to stay. Get a roommate, find something affordable. If you want to see him more, find a place closer to him.

[lostgirlaus]

I definitely understand what you mean; we have to be ready when moving in together and it is a big step. I know I’m ready to move to the next stage, but I also know he *probably* isn’t ready yet. We have both discussed our future together; we both have the same goals in life relationship-wise. We both want to get married and have babies one day; we realize it’s way too early for all that at the moment. He has suggested I move in with him twice, but I get the feeling he wasn’t being serious. I do want to get away from home as I’ve said before, but that isn’t the major factor here, being with him is a key factor. I want to wake up next and fall asleep to him each day, not just on the weekends. As for things failing, I’ll cross that bridge when/if I get there. I’m sure if in a few months this fails, I’ll have some money saved up to get a place of my own as opposed to now where I have nothing pretty much.

[Capricorn3]

^^ I agree with all of the above. I also feel that 5 months of dating this guy is way too soon to be thinking about moving in with him, and even worse, moving in with his parents!! I feel it's a little presumptious to think they won't mind, but that's just me.

 

I think it's best to not say anything at this time. IF he wants you to move in, it should come from him and if he wants and means it sincerely, he would make the move all on his own (imo).

[Jd1983]

I agree with all the posters from above.

 

IMO, that is far too soon to move in with someone. Alongside of that, this is his parents house, not his own. Surely, if he truly wanted you to move in, he will mention it without you bringing it up first.

 

How is your relationship with his family? Do you get along with them? Hypothetically speaking, if you do happen to move in with them, who's to say that it won't be awkward for you?

[geekgirl4]

To be honest, if he knows your situation (that you're interested in moving out) and hasn't offered it, it's because he isn't ready to move in with you. Any attempts to ask him would probably put pressure on him. If says no, he probably thinks you'll be mad or hurt. If he says yes, well, what about the parents? And 5 months is too soon. I'm not saying this because 18 is young but in general, living with someone is a completely different experience. You see so many different sides to them and there will be tough situations like making the rent, dividing chores, paying utilities. I strongly advise that you get to know him like the back of your hand and have the intense feeling of readiness to move in. Just because you want to move in doesn't mean you're ready to. Save up your money, keep scouring around for jobs, and don't rush.

[lostgirlaus]

I agree with what has been said so far, it may be too early in the relationship, but then again who is it to say when the perfect time is? Shouldn't it be different for each relationship? I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months and I can honestly say I know him inside out, I know all his bad habits and his good ones too. I know when and what causes his temper to go up, and I also know how to calm him down. We work together in perfect harmony. I also know he isn't one to suggest things. With everything he leaves the decision to me, I confer with him before going ahead to get his get go. If he doesn't like the idea we work something else out. It's what I'm planning to do with this too.

 

As mentioned before (yet people still keep bringing it up), I wouldn't consider moving in without talking to his family first. I've also decided I'd pay the same amount that he pays, which covers utilities/food/etc. Chores are not a problem as I'd be happy to pull my weight around the house and help out. There is absolutely not question about us not getting on or awkwardness as I've said I've spent practically every weekend in these past 5 months at his house. I'm not like a guest at his house, I chip in with the dishes and cooking when I'm over there.

 

I'll see how I feel about this in a months time though, and then casually bring it up with him...

[hers]

I hate being one of those "when I was your age" people, but I'm going to be here.

 

When I was your age, just 9 short but very long years ago, I thought I was ready too. But the truth is, I didn't know anything. Now, at 27, I still am figuring out who I am and how to make a relationship work. And thank God I didn't stick with the other guys, b/c then I never would've found the perfect one I have now. And when I was 18, I didn't listen to the "when i was your age" people...but I sort of wish I had listened to them. It woudl've saved me the trouble. I wish I woudl've listened to not trying to grow up so fast, b/c now at 27, I wish I could go back to being carefree and not trying to rush a relationship.

 

My advice: give it more than 5 months. Give it more than 6 months. Give it a year, at least. Just b/c you're 18.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. So very short, right? We're getting married in April. Very quick, right? It may be, and no one can tell you what's quick and what's a good time. "When you know, you know" is what I'm going to say. ANd I used to say that about other guys, but really, I just wanted my storybook to be filled. But it's those failed relationships of moving too fast that helped me realize that I am very ready for what I have now. Give yourself some time to grow up and discover who you are first. B/c you'll do a lot of changing in the next few years. A lot.

 

I hope this helps.

[lostgirlaus]

Thanks, something you said really hit a chord, "but really, I just wanted my storybook to be filled". That's exactly what I'm feeling right now...

[hers]

Thanks, something you said really hit a chord, "but really, I just wanted my storybook to be filled". That's exactly what I'm feeling right now...

 

what do you mean?

[lostgirlaus]

what do you mean?

 

At the moment I'm feeling like I've met the right guy. I know I'm young and only 18 but I've been through more than enough * * * * * s for this lifetime. To me, right now, this feels right. Like he is the one. I know I'm living in the moment, in maybe in 5 years I'll look back and think how stupid and young I was. I also know that maybe in 5 years I'll look back and see the beginning of something great. I may or may not be with him in the future. To me this seems right, and in a sense I want to make it a bit more permanent than it is now. Slowly cement the relationship into what it may become in the future. We've discussed our future together many times and we both want to same things.

[hers]

I'm not by any means saying that relationships at 18 don't last well into the future or even forever. I'm just going off of my experience. From your original post, it just sounded as though you want to move in with him b/c you are desperate, in a way, to get out of your living situation. So I'm still sticking wiht that conclusion...that you just want to stay with him to get a better living situation. And I may be wrong, and you probably really do love him and you guys probably have a great relationship, but there's a reason he didn't ask you to move in with him at your heavy hints. And I commend him for that. Continue to give yourself some time and your relationship some time to build and figure out more of who you are and what you want in life, b/c it may change.

[abitbroken]

Moving in with him and his parents doesn't slowly cement the relationship. What cements the relationship is you both becoming whole, balanced people and adults in your own right. The more sure of life and the more skills you gain, the more you have to bring into the relationship. Even if that means that you are not as "together" physically as you would like to be, you will have a much more solid relationship in the long run. It also brings on all sorts of new conflicts as you will be knee deep in the dramas of his family as if you were a new sibling.

 

I moved to a new town to be with my boyfriend, but the best thing I ever did was get a female roommate and not live with him. Firstly, it allowed us to "date" at first rather than to have an instant psuedo-marriage. It was nice especially because we didn't live in the same town before and it gave him and I both space while we reestablished a connection so we didn't burn out on eachother immediately . I got to know the area. Also, I learned so much about my financial habits. Paying a couple bills on my own and managing myself really matured me. I am not saying you aren't mature, but there was a big difference in me from being booksmart and career oriented and living with my folks at 21 versus being with a roommate in a new place by 23. I also was able to see him for who he was rather than an answer to my problems. I lost my dreaminess. I was still optimistic, but at least I had a better sense of myself.

 

At first I was a bit clingy because I didn't know anyone else, but as the days passed, just being in my own space really helped.

 

If you are serious about moving in with your boyfriend's family, ask them if they know of a relative or friend who is looking to rent out a room, and then go there for a week or two to job hunt. If you are successful at finding a job on your own, you will be able to stay there. And then only think about moving in with your boyfriend based on your relationship rather than all these other factors.