Giving online guys a chance

[mightyreal]

i'm thinking of taking a break from the site for now and letting the emails get replies. or let the girls send emails if they're interested. it's not particularly pleasant being on a site and getting no contact. i understand why people don't reply and thats fine but i won't waste loads of time on that kind of site either.

[HouseKitten]

true. i will perservere then! i just don't want to be on there for months and having to endure the same treatment.

 

I think you need to try avoid the idea that a woman not being attracted to you is in some way malicious and cruel treatment. I can guarantee that pretty much no one is attracted to everyone else out there, including yourself - we all have preferences and dealbreakers. If you look at every time a woman decides not to reply to you and turn that into 'she's a nasty person', then you're going to get nothing more out of this than a lot of bitterness.

 

These women don't owe you a response, any more than you owe them an email in the first place. You make a judgement about who you might be attracted to before you mail them and they do exactly the sane thing when considering whether to mail back.

 

Honestly, the best attitude is optimism, not negativity straight off. You might meet someone great after 30 people or 300 people - once you meet her, will it matter at all how many others you had to wade through first?

[peanutbutterandjelly]

M&H, you need to set some criteria. It sounds like you have no idea what you want. I mean, the guy is 18, you are 25. The others can't spell or use proper grammar. I'm not saying these things are dealbreakers for everyone, but if they bother you, you need to do some adjustments to your settings - age, education, etc.

 

I would rather meet 3 men that I feel a connection with than 20 that I don't.

 

POF is okay, but maybe you should try EH. I'm no expert, but I preferred EH above the other sites.

 

Some people have told me to cast a wide net and not make a huge list of what I want/don't want. Just to be openminded, because you never know and you might meet with that person and just click. Maybe I should narrow it down a little though.

 

Just for the record, I'm using okcupid. That's what most younger people near me seem to use. I was thinking of doing POF, but you can hear crickets on that site near me lol

[BriarRose]

Some people have told me to cast a wide net and not make a huge list of what I want/don't want. Just to be openminded, because you never know and you might meet with that person and just click. Maybe I should narrow it down a little though.

 

Just for the record, I'm using okcupid. That's what most younger people near me seem to use. I was thinking of doing POF, but you can hear crickets on that site near me lol

Casting a wide net is not the same as no criteria or no standards. You need to at least set some age parameters. You can't just go on-line and have NO requisites, IMO.

[orchidrose]

Casting a wide net is not the same as no criteria or no standards. You need to at least set some age parameters. You can't just go on-line and have NO requisites, IMO.

 

Agreed. To give you an idea: I have an age range (not a tiny one, 5-6 years) and a location range (within 5-10 miles of me, since I don't drive). There are more criteria that come and go, but those are the biggies.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I agree with Sauvignon. Just do it! This is online, for God's sake! You're not having to approach women you know nothing about in the local produce aisle. Also, start thinking of your profile as a work in progress (aside from grammar and spelling). You're not writing War and Peace. It doesn't have to be perfect right out of the chute. And as a guy, you definitely HAVE TO HAVE a picture. I think women can get away with that a bit more because of the large faction of creepy guys that are on these sites. It's simply more understandable. But as a guy, it's too easy for women to just move on to the next fish in the sea. Ghandi's profile wouldn't garner any interest without a picture.

 

 

 

Online dating is, at least in some ways, a lot like regular dating, or life in general, for that matter. Things come in waves. You might not find anything for two weeks. Then, all of a sudden you have four dates scheduled the next week. Have patience, Padawan.

 

Actually, I would just warn, based on my conversations/dates with women who use online dating, be very wary of guys who approach you within the first few days of posting your profile. These guys are usually sharks, who can't find any success in any normal way, that pounce on the new "victims" before they become wise to the pitfalls and pratfalls of online dating. Remember, one of the criteria you can search and sort by is the "newest" profiles. If you heed my warning, you can avoid a very unpleasant "crash course."

 

 

 

I only somewhat agree. Back when I was single and I tried online dating, if I came accross someone who had a short profile and all of their preferences were "any," I would immediately move on. You can usually search based on any/all criteria that is completely separate from your stated profile preferences. But in your profile, you need to show that you're taking this at least somewhat seriously, and that you at least have semblance of an idea of what you're looking for.

 

(Personally, I refuse to believe that SO many women would be willing to date a guy that's 4 foot tall! )

 

I've also heard that all of these dating sites have widely varying enrollment by region. If the one you're trying isn't garnering enough participants, move on. Also, you tend to get a better class of people (more serious about their quest) from the pay sites, like Match or eHarmony. In my area, Yahoo and POF are meat markets, and OKCupid has virtually no participants. Do some homework on your particular area to find which one works for you.

[theStig]

I don't know if it's been brought up.. but it's GRAMMAR.

[Shallow]

I agree with Sauvignon. Just do it! This is online, for God's sake! You're not having to approach women you know nothing about in the local produce aisle. Also, start thinking of your profile as a work in progress (aside from grammar and spelling). You're not writing War and Peace. It doesn't have to be perfect right out of the chute.

 

Yes it does, I'm particular to a fault.

 

I'll do it, but I have an offline option I want to pursue first. My change in attitude lately might have opened something up. We'll see.

[LonelyPast]

Statistics from my OKCupid account since November of 2008:

 

First contact messages sent to women 91

Replies received to these messages: 42

Dates that took place as a result of these conversations: 3

Relationships formed as a result of these dates: 0

 

First contact messages received from women 8

Replies sent to these messages: 4

Dates that took place as a result of these conversations: 1

Relationships formed as a result of these dates: 0

 

Notes I haven't included any winks, woos, IMs, or icebreakers in these statistics as they seem like a rather ineffective way of meeting people and have yet to lead to any actual dating in my case. I tend to spend about an hour of browsing before finding somebody I feel like I might be compatible with and roughly 30 minutes carefully wording and composing my messages (holy crap, proper grammar!). Then there's also the time spent working on my profile, reading the forums, and responding back and forth with any of my current contacts. All in all I'd say I've probably spent a good 400 hours on the website, so we're looking at about 100 hours spent per actual date. I've also heard I'm an interesting person with above average looks so you could probably expect a typical guy to have an even harder time than that.

 

Conclusion: Online dating might work for guys if we spend an inordinate amount of time and effort on it, but the odds are not in our favor! You should give more of us a chance!

[NightLily]

The thing is though.. once I had 9 guys (irl) asking me out at once. It isn't really reasonable to say "okay I will date you.. in 2 months" to some of the guys because I don't have the time to go on multiple dates every week.

 

So because of time even women have to be "picky"

[BriarRose]

I had quite a few dates from EH. Zero relationships, but a lot of dates and I met some nice guys. M&H, I am sure you will meet someone. But you do need to do some narrowing down in terms of what you are looking for.

[adamt]

I've been doing online dating for about 6 months. this is my experience and how i approach it. I found it a very fickle and shallow place. you take things with a pinch of salt, be thick skinned, dopnt take things personal and treat anything as a bonus.

 

I wont respond to someone without a photo. They are either a scam or have something to hide. I will not bother with someone who has just a head shot or 1 photo. I would have a few photos and rotate them every few weeks or so.each photo can make you look a different person.

If i wasnt interested in someone then it is best just not to respond.

as a man i will carpet bomb any women i like. if they show interest back then i will send them an email and write a comments about their profile so it shows i have made effort.

 

after 3-4 replies then i will ask them out on a date. worst that can happen is they dont respond. sometimes they get bored or move onto someone else after a couple of replies or you do. dont take it personal.

 

I've been on about 7 dates. some were really nice and others i wasnt interested and didnt really do it for me. remember that with photos everyone puts their best pictures up. some dates went well, others i knew straight away there wasnt anythign there.the ones i likes i asked towards the end of the date if they wanted to go out again. they said they would but then when i followed it up they went cold. its disappointing but thats how it is. if they dont reply to an email then assume they have lost interest. dont bother chasing after them as it makes you look a bit of a stalker and desperate.

 

another thing to note is that you dont know if the other person is dating other people or what stage they are at or how genuine they are being.

 

online dating is a good outlet but dont rely on it as your only outlet. dont put all your eggs in one basket. keep an open mind and treat anythign as a bonus but dont waste too much of your time and effort on it. you have to realise that a very small proportion will respond. its no different to if you were in a bar. if you chatted up 100 women in a bar how many do oyu think will want to go out on a date?

[BriarRose]

I did on-line dating for over a year and I agree with EVERY word of this. For me, I would

1) not respond to profiles with no photo (it's on-line dating, there is just no excuse)

 

2) After a few emails if they haven't at least asked for my number, I would stop communication.

 

3) After a few phone calls, if they haven't asked to meet up, I would no longer respond.

 

4) After meeting me, I find they were either eager to see me again and would usually ask me out right there or call that night (none of this "waiting around" to be called stuff) or I never heard from them again.

[adamt]

I would also like to add i went on a date last night. She asked me out online. So if you are a female dont be afraid to make the first move. the date went really well, a few drinks and cocktails to relax us both. we seemed to get on great. she seemed happy to go on a 2nd date. so i text her at lunchtime today just saying i had a good time and was nice to meet her and let me know if you want to meet up again..a few hours later no reply. ..i've been at this point before.. so i just let her respond, if she doesnt then i'll move on. Silence is the unwritten rule that they are not interested

[BriarRose]

I would also like to add i went on a date last night. She asked me out online. So if you are a female dont be afraid to make the first move. the date went really well, a few drinks and cocktails to relax us both. we seemed to get on great. she seemed happy to go on a 2nd date. so i text her at lunchtime today just saying i had a good time and was nice to meet her and let me know if you want to meet up again..a few hours later no reply. ..i've been at this point before.. so i just let her respond, if she doesnt then i'll move on. Silence is the unwritten rule that they are not interested

Personal preference whether the woman wants to initiate contact (I wouldn't), but I agree about the silence rule. Always. Whether male or female, if they don't respond, they are not interested (or are pursuing other options that they are giving priority to).

[adamt]

One thing i dont get is when someone adds you as a favourite, so i send an email. then they dont reply.

 

 

 

I would think men put all the effort into searching. then women put al the effort into reading all the interest and find it tiring reading through the profiles and replying. I'm sure you cna only reply to a certain amount at a time. i'm guessing women get winked at a lot more than women winking at men

[BriarRose]

One thing i dont get is when someone adds you as a favourite, so i send an email. then they dont reply.

That is odd. On POF I would add a man to favorites and they would sometimes contact me, sometimes not - but I would always respond - unless it was something overtly sexual or rude or something, which I am sure is not the case with you.

[adamt]

I suppose since they added me as a favourite they have more interest so they switch to the other people.

[BriarRose]

I suppose since they added me as a favourite they have more interest so they switch to the other people.

It is def a candy store mentality for both men and women. Requires a very thick skin, like you said.

[adamt]

It is def a candy store mentality for both men and women. Requires a very thick skin, like you said.

 

Its like a child. they get one toy. play with it for few weeks, get bored of it when a new toy comes along

[BriarRose]

Its like a child. they get one toy. play with it for few weeks, get bored of it when a new toy comes along

Yes, I agree. While one can meet nice people on-line, I don't think it's the ideal way to meet someone.

[LonelyPast]

It's nice to know women will always have better options. At this point I'm thinking I might as well remove myself from the running so the decision making process will be easier for them. It must be soooo hard having to filter through dozens of attractive men and deciding which ones are worthy of acknowledgment and basic human respect. I guess since it's the internet we don't all actually count.

 

If you need me I'll be over here in the corner living my life and hoping to run into somebody through good old-fashioned blind luck instead...

[orchidrose]

It's nice to know women will always have better options. At this point I'm thinking I might as well remove myself from the running so the decision making process will be easier for them. It must be soooo hard having to filter through dozens of attractive men and deciding which ones are worthy of acknowledgment and basic human respect. I guess since it's the internet we don't all actually count.

 

If you need me I'll be over here in the corner living my life and hoping to run into somebody through good old-fashioned blind luck instead...

 

Dude, this attitude isn't going to get you anywhere. You're generalizing an entire population into one really rude, unfair generalization. I will once again reiterate that online dating and dating in general require a thick skin. Women not replying to your messages on an online dating site does not mean they lack basic human respect for you. It means they don't find you attractive and/or interesting. That's their right, just like it's yours to not respond to a message from a girl who you think is heinously ugly.

 

Seriously, everyone needs to calm down. It's just online dating. It's not the end of the universe.

[HouseKitten]

One thing i dont get is when someone adds you as a favourite, so i send an email. then they dont reply.

 

I can't say from experience whether this is true since I never did it, but perhaps this happens because she finds your profile interesting, but then your contact message in some way swayed her towards disinterest.

 

In the same way that you can date someone you met in real life a couple of times before realising you're not that well suited, you might discover after a couple of messages from someone online that they're not the catch you thought they were after all.

 

 

@LonelyPast

Letting yourself sink into a negative mentality where you see yourself as in some sort of race to win a woman isn't going to help you. You're not 'in the running' anymore than you are 'in the running' for a girl whenever you go out to a club. If a girl doesn't find you attractive, that doesn't mean you 'lost' to someone else, she just didn't think you'd be a good match, something you're both entitled to decide. Most girls are not sitting online weighing up the pros and cons of each guy who has emailed them, they are just waiting for a guy they feel a connection with to come along. If that's not you, so what? There are plenty of girls out there you will click with, if you give yourself a chance to do so.

[obs]

Personal preference whether the woman wants to initiate contact (I wouldn't), but I agree about the silence rule. Always. Whether male or female, if they don't respond, they are not interested (or are pursuing other options that they are giving priority to).

 

Absolutely true. Although with communication after early dates, a text is sort of me last resort for me sent only on the off chance she actually missed my calls. I'll call twice on different days and then text. If still no response, then I'll move on. Simple and effective.

 

I've met my current girlfriend on EH after dated 5 others since the beginning of the year. I think it worked quite well and would certainly recommend it. Just getting out and dating would a great benefit to me even if a relationship didn't develop.