Giving online guys a chance

[abitbroken]

Wait, you didn't have a photo? That was 90% of the problem right there.

 

Yup. no one is expecting you to look like a supermodel. They just know if you have a photo, you are less likely just to be a dummy profile put up there. Also, lots of folks realize not everyone photographs perfectly and they may be looking for someone who looks friendly or there is "just something about" Sure, there are superficial shallow folks out there, but that happens whether you are meeting at a bar or library or online.

 

his grammer and spelling

Grammar is spelled with an -ar and I ONLY point that out to say that nobody is perfect and we don't want anyone to judge us on every little thing.

Take it easy on these guys...most of them are looking for the same thing you are.

 

...and remember folks are so used to "textspeak," particularly men on the younger side, that some of their emails or online information may come out this way too. if you are looking at guys in the 18-24 range, it is more likely to be the case. If they are a bit older, maybe not.

[bar35]

Online dating is cool because it opens up another opportunity to meet people you would not otherwise have met.That being said, I think that it is very easy to turn it into a crutch, or a way that people avoid actually trying to meet people in real life.

 

As for the people who you respond to, I think that it is wise to have some criteria for even paying attention to an individual. They should reference something from your profile, acknowledging something about you. They need to have a photo, or I just won't even deal with them, and yes, their use of language should suit what you are accustomed to. It's helpful to have a screening process.

[mightyreal]

i agree. the photo thing was a hinderance. i have nothing to hide, i'm not ugly or whatever. i understand people persist when you politely decline but not every man does that. i would take the hint at the first reply and either say ok or just move on to the next so to speak. i actually have good grammar and i feel i'm a good conversationalist. so maybe i will get lucky if i put the pics up and try again.

[bar35]

Yeah go for it. It's just another hook in the water, not the balancing of the full equation.

[mightyreal]

i think being 23 this year, i will be ruling myself out. i think there are many more people on these sites in older age brackets. which in effect gives me a lot less of a chance to meet someone.

[HouseKitten]

i think being 23 this year, i will be ruling myself out. i think there are many more people on these sites in older age brackets. which in effect gives me a lot less of a chance to meet someone.

 

Rubbish. I met my boyfriend on Plenty Of Fish and I'm 23

 

Every time you impose restrictions on where you're happy to meet people, you shrink your dating pool. There's no harm in using a free site casually and just sending out the odd message whenever you come accross a girl who really interests you. But writing it off entirely completely cuts out the possibility.

[mightyreal]

a lot of the girls do seem to be chavvy and unappealing. but i will give it a new go with some renewed vigour and pics this time lol!

[PoopyBear]

Haha@online dating! When I first joined POF I had 55 emails in the first night! One of the guys who messaged me seemed nice, we exchanged a few cordial emails and then nothing. I happened to discover the sent message "vault" and discovered he had blocked me! That was a little shock as the emails were short and flirty, nothing more. It's cool though as I never really thought I'd meet him anyway.

 

From those 55 emails I have met 3 guys, one who looked young and said he was 42. During conversation he slipped up and mentioned something about him being 46! OMG! I didn't see him again.

 

Another was argumentive about my life and I felt the need to defend myself the whole time. It went on for 10 minutes and then I left.

 

The third is the guy I've been posting about in "Dating". He's interested in me while I'm with him but when we're not together I don't hear from him even when he promises to call he doesn't. Trying to be positive but probably won't see him again.

 

Online dating is hard even when you do get lots of "hits".

 

I seem to date the losers who can spell, write well and look good in their profile pic.. None of those things can predict whether a person has good intentions or a good heart.

[Ms Darcy]

i'm glad it worked for you. i think thats what the genuine men on dating sites want to happen. the problem is being ignored just for the sake of it-that happens a lot.

 

My bf also sent me a meaningful message in response to my page.

 

I did ignore a couple of guys that I was not interested in. I think that is just the break you get sometimes. Not every nice guy is the guy for me. I tried that and struggled through a "I feel sorry for you" relationship for 8 months. Never again.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

his grammer and spelling

Grammar is spelled with an -ar and I ONLY point that out to say that nobody is perfect and we don't want anyone to judge us on every little thing.

Take it easy on these guys...most of them are looking for the same thing you are.

 

You make a very fair point.

 

I am very willing to give guys a chance, but I honestly had to read his profile 3 times before I could fully understand what he was saying. I do understand that it doesn't necessarily reflect him as a person. My ex was the worst speller I have ever met, but it really had no effect on our relationship. I guess I just see it as careless though. When I wrote my profile, I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted to say and put a lot of time and thought into it because I am serious about meeting someone. Maybe he is too, but it is hard to tell when it doesn't look like he put that much effort into it and can't even send me a message that mentions anything in my profile. But maybe I am overreacting and being too judgemental. I'm not sure. That's why I made this thread.

[savignon]

But maybe I am overreacting and being too judgemental. I'm not sure.

I'm definitely trying to be helpful and not condescending. I used to be the same way when I did online dating and you should've heard the things I came up with....one guy didn't button all the buttons on his shirt, one guy was sweating for no reason on our date (we were just sitting still) and another guy said "coctails" which I thought was just the funniest word and I couldn't take him seriously.

Now, tell me the common denominator wasn't ME...MY problem! I was a little nuts back then. These days I have a friend who makes me laugh b/c she's just like me and didn't go out with a guy who was "holding a fish" in his picture and thinks this other guy "isn't grown up enough" b/c he has a divorced friend crashing on his couch (mind you he has his own business and his own house). As an outsider, I hear her and she sound RIDICULOUS....and I know I used to sound the same way.

So, here's a sincere tip from the heart....back off. Take some deep breaths. Someone not doing a spell-check doesn't make them a careless, thoughtless, player. SOME guys are not going to be well-suited for you and you're not to confuse that with "loser", "not (insert quality) enough". Just chaulk it up to "not a good match" and keep going. If it were that easy to find someone, none of us would be here talking about it! Most of these guys (at least in my experience) are nice guys trying to do the same thing you are...find a good match.

Best wishes.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I can totally understand that some people just can't spell well. It's like math, or so many other things. It comes easy for some, and for others, not so easy. But most people who have this issue...when doing something they feel is very important (like posting their dating profile)...would want to put their best foot forward.

 

In this day and age, most everyone knows how to use Word for grammar and spelling check. The larger dating sites usually have spell checkers, and if they don't, it's an integral part of most browsers. There's really no excuse for sending something out with poor spelling. He must have had red underlines all over his submission, but he chose to ignore them.

 

That just doesn't strike me as a quality individual, or at least not someone that is taking their online dating very seriously. I'm sorry if I offend anyone, but that's my opinion on the issue.

[Shallow]

That just doesn't strike me as a quality individual, or at least not someone that is taking their online dating very seriously. I'm sorry if I offend anyone, but that's my opinion on the issue.

 

I totally agree. I've seen some attractive women on some of these sites, but would never dream of contacting them because their profile is cliché or riddled with spelling/grammar issues.

 

I suppose if they were 18 or something, I wouldn't expect much . . . but I'm dealing with women in their 30's. There's no excuse for not being able to string together a couple of coherent sentences.

 

Maybe I'm just a snob? Do I expect too much? Is this why I don't date?

 

On one site, there's a grand total of one woman (out of 300 or so) I really want to contact, but I haven't found the courage yet. I signed up just so I could contact her, but I haven't started my profile yet. I figure I have to finish mine before I do, else I'd be a hypocrite. Yes, her grammar and spelling are impeccable, and she had a lot to say.

[savignon]

one woman (out of 300 or so) I really want to contact, but I haven't found the courage yet. I signed up just so I could contact her, but I haven't started my profile yet.

Do it, already! What are you waiting for!!

Tell her she should go out with you "because you're cute....duh!!"

[NightLily]

I was on OkCupid awhile ago using it for tests (you could write your own test and see the stats etc), and while I didn't meet anybody, many guys sent me well thought out messages that were obviously directed at me.

 

If you have only been there a few days just wait. There are plenty of those types I'm sure but I know for a fact if you wait "real" guys are out there.

[Shallow]

Do it, already! What are you waiting for!!

Tell her she should go out with you "because you're cute....duh!!"

 

LOL.

 

Damnit Savignon, I was taking a bite of something when I read this and nearly had to spit it out.

[mightyreal]

i joined plenty of fish. i would say i probably emailed about 20 girls. under a third have read them. 2 people have looked at my profile. i've started chatting to one girl but its more about the website and stuff in general than it is about flirting. all the emails i sent were friendly and personal to their profiles. i know its the first night but there was no real interest on there. its definitely tougher on that site for men.

[BriarRose]

M&H, you need to set some criteria. It sounds like you have no idea what you want. I mean, the guy is 18, you are 25. The others can't spell or use proper grammar. I'm not saying these things are dealbreakers for everyone, but if they bother you, you need to do some adjustments to your settings - age, education, etc.

 

I would rather meet 3 men that I feel a connection with than 20 that I don't.

 

POF is okay, but maybe you should try EH. I'm no expert, but I preferred EH above the other sites.

[mightyreal]

what is eh? is that a u.s.-based site?

[orchidrose]

Just throwing my two cents in on POF/EH - POF really didn't have the kind of guys I was looking for. Lots of guys only looking for short-term, and lots of guys who didn't seem to have a ton of direction in life (i.e. no career, dropped out of college, which are dealbreakers for me). I was on EH briefly and found it to be very light on guys in my age range. I was 22 at the time and most of my matches were in the 25-30 range, which I didn't love.

 

I've been on OKCupid for longer than I would care to admit, and it's been best for me. I met my ex through it and have gone on several decent dates and some very good ones. It seems to be the best site, especially, for people in their mid-twenties or younger.

[mightyreal]

i'm on pof and i've probably sent 30 emails. hardly any were read and the ones that were read have not been replied to. they were all friendly emails and not even flirty-just conversation starters. i don't get why it's so hard to get through to people on there. granted i've only been a member since last night but i've had no luck so far and i have a pic up.

[orchidrose]

granted i've only been a member since last night but i've had no luck so far and i have a pic up.

 

There's your answer.

 

I said this to M&H earlier in the thread, but I feel like there have been a lot of frustrations around the dating board lately about signing up for online dating and not instantly meeting your soulmate. Online dating takes time, cultivation, and patience just like in-person dating does. It's not a meat market. Men and women are not going to throw themselves at you within 24 hours of signing up. Yes, there are more people to interact with in a few hours than, say, what you might find at your local bar. But that just means it's going to take MORE time and effort to get through to someone that you're interested in.

 

Be patient. Don't worry about quantity, worry about quality.

[mightyreal]

There's your answer.

 

I said this to M&H earlier in the thread, but I feel like there have been a lot of frustrations around the dating board lately about signing up for online dating and not instantly meeting your soulmate. Online dating takes time, cultivation, and patience just like in-person dating does. It's not a meat market. Men and women are not going to throw themselves at you within 24 hours of signing up. Yes, there are more people to interact with in a few hours than, say, what you might find at your local bar. But that just means it's going to take MORE time and effort to get through to someone that you're interested in.

 

Be patient. Don't worry about quantity, worry about quality.

 

yeh, you're right. i spoke to a girl last night but it was more just general, friendly chat-which was nice. it just doesn't sit well with me when people either ignore your email or read it and don't reply at all. it just seems pointless.

[HouseKitten]

@mightyreal - I think we established elsewhere that the likely reason you've previously had no responses is because you started off without any picture at all. The vast majority of people won't bother with someone who has no pic, so the issue really isn't that it's 'impossible to get through to people'.

 

In addition, if you've only put up a pic and sent out some new messages last night, that's nowhere near long enough to get downhearted about it. Some people don't log on every single night, or won't have done yet today, etc etc.

 

Patience really is key. There are no instant results.

[orchidrose]

yeh, you're right. i spoke to a girl last night but it was more just general, friendly chat-which was nice. it just doesn't sit well with me when people either ignore your email or read it and don't reply at all. it just seems pointless.

 

What were you expecting in one night on a dating site? I'm curious.

 

There's a very good chance that these girls haven't logged in in 24 hours and are not ignoringyour e-mail. And if they are ignoring, they're entitled to do so. Online dating requires a thick skin. People can ignore you just like they could choose not to speak with you at a bar or a party. It's not pointless, it's dating.