Letter to Ex

[unistudentuk]

This is a hand written letter i've written, not sent yet, to my ex. I dont plan on sending it just yet, would rather sit on it for a while and see how i feel in a few weeks. If you guys wanna know some details about the relationship to see if this letter works, let me know and ill put up as much as i can. I dont know what our future holds, i just want to wipe the slate as clean as possible then not contact her for at least the summer before we see each other again.

 

What im basically asking is 1) Should i send her the letter or just keep up the no contact. 2) If i do send the letter, in your opinions, does this come accross as a genuine apology letter that shows acceptance of the break up and wanting both people to get on with their lives.

 

 

 

Dear (Name)

 

I appreciate hearing from me is the last thing you want right now. I have come to you before to “explain” but it was all too early and it was unfair of me to think I could. We both had time apart and I have been thinking a lot about the things I have said and done. I just wanted to say sorry.

 

sorry for the pain I caused you

 

sorry I didn’t respect your boundaries

 

sorry I let my fears ruin our friendship, ruin our bond and ruin the best relationship I ever had.

 

sorry I didn’t know when to stop.

 

You have always been very mature, independent person and have great pride and determination in what you set your mind towards. I admire those qualities in you. You want to be the best "you" can be and focus on your career, I respect that

 

Some great things have started happening in my life, Id love to tell you about them one day but for now we both need our space.

 

All the best

(Name)

[d_lilah]

How long have you been broken up? I'm guessing you were the dumper?

 

I can't tell for sure if it comes accross ad a genuine apology as I don't know your story, but it certainly shows a want to move on from it. I don't think this is a letter extending friendship, present or future, but a want to forget about the whole thing. If you are still planning on continuing with NC even after sending this, I wouldn't send it. Only send when you are willing to talk to her.

[unistudentuk]

I actually just tore up the letter as i now want to express my feelings now. I apologise for the long post that will follow but i will try and make it in chronological order and easy to read so you guys can see the ups and downs.

 

We met at university in october last year. I had come out of a 3 year relationship and she was in a 2 year one that had been very uneasy and it was clear she,like me, was only in the relationship because it was what she was comfortable with.

 

We started talking and but it was casual. One night i was up finishing an essay and she came back from a night out, it was about 1am or so. She came over and we chatted for hours and hours, 8 to be precise. I told her she could go if she was tired but she said she didnt want to. In the end we laid together and she fell asleep. I wont forget that conversation for the rest of my life. All we did was speak but i felt this spark i hadnt felt before after meeting a girl, even my ex of 3 years.

 

Few weeks went by and her relationship ended, i never wanted to be the reason why and i wont ever know i was but i didnt take advantage. I gave her space but she kept up the contact. It came to december and my feelings for her for stronger than ever. we were laying together when i told her i had something to say. I told her i loved her but i didnt expect anything back. She looked me in the eyes and moved closer to me. I eventually asked her out and things were great. I am a passionate, romantic person deep down but with her i felt i could tell her. It wasnt long before we could look into each others eyes and say I Love You.

 

She revealed months later that on the night i told her i love you, she realised she loved me too.

 

Months went by, our relationship getting stronger and stronger, any issues we had, we could talk about and sort out together even if it took time. We shared many values, hopes and dreams about family and life direction but had subtle differences with hobbies. Our lives up until then were very different. She came from an extremely privileged family and i came from your average middle class family, never had money issues but never had money to burn.

 

One night we couldnt sleep because the room above was being noisy so we chatted. We joked about marriage but what i did next was something i thought id never do. She wanted to marry me one day she told me that night. So i got out of bed and i got on one knee. I asked her to marry me,one day. I told her how much i love her and that one day we will be married. She said yes and i got back into bed and we laughed about it but then she told me that that was real. That when i proposed to her, she meant her answer and i told her i meant it when i asked.

 

 

Fast forward to March 27th. The first time day of the longer we would have been apart, 3 weeks. We had spent time apart at christmas and it fine and i got to see her for a week just us 2 at her house.

 

We had said we would try and see one another over the easter break but she had a lot of work to do. I ended up being pushy about seeing her and even though i had the best intentions at heart, i basically annoyed her quite a lot although i kinda knew this,she didnt tell her until we split up.

 

But thats not the kicker, in the last week, we revealed over the summer she would like to work and had applied for some placements in london over the summer. I supported her 200% with this and to this day i havent told her not to go for it. But instead of just being needy and pushy, i became posessive as i started to create a master plan about how we could see each other over the summer.

 

Truth is, this scared her. Combined the 2 problems and you have a disaster waiting to happen.

 

April 18th. She came back. She was distance and upset. She missed home clearly. I acted as happy as possible but im not an idiot. I could tell something was up. I asked her if we could go for a walk. Then it happened. She told me this that wasnt going to work. She gave her reasons, i tried to reason and show her we could make it work. But she was firm. Truth is, i think she made her mind up a few days ago. In the end, i accepted it. She said we could see how things are in september and i agreed.

 

The next week was hard. I couldnt believe what had happened. I refrained from the begging and pleading, i learnt from my last relationship, that doesnt work. I sent a few text messages supporting her decision and reiterating the idea of waiting to see how things are in the future as this was all i had left. Again, with all my best intentions, this seemed to close that door in the end. Friends tried to tell me to leave it, she told us theres no future between you 2 etc, but ive learnt you have to sometimes hear something from the horse's mouth.

 

I went to see her a week after the split. I prepared a speech so i didnt start begging and pleading with her or crying for that matter. I read it out to her, i didnt ask her to take me back, forgive me or explain herself. I told her i knew what i did was wrong and tried to explain why i acted that way telling her im not trying to make excuses as there are none. Then i simply asked, is there a future for us one day. I got the answer i didnt want but i expected. I asked her a hug but she said it was too soon and i left. She kept my script i stupidly left there so i know she read it after i left.

 

A further 2 weeks went on I sent her a few friendly texts asking her when she goes,nothing. I spoke to her once on a night out in a group then nothing since then. I plucked up the courage to go see her. We chatted for 10 minutes, no awkwardness, Smiles and eye contact. I made an excuse and left her to do her work. I didnt notice it at first but the bear i made for her at christmas was on her pillow still. She would have put it there every morning when making her bed.

 

Everytime we were in the same room or place/club etc we didnt speak. We made minmal eye contact but i know she kept looking over at me.

 

A few days before she left to go home, i text her asking if she was busy. Truth is i want to take her somewhere i have always wanted to and talk. Just catch up. Show her how well im doing and that we can spend time together and it doesnt have to be about "Us" or depressing. I wanted her to remember that night over the next 4 months,not the break up and this avoidance up until now. She text me back for the first time but she was busy and asked what i wanted. I told her and i didnt get a respond. She went home the next day, i didnt get a goodbye which hurt me for the first time since we split almost a month ago.

 

This brings me to today. I sit here typing this to you guys and i think over everything. I realise i dont need her in my life but that doesnt me i dont want her. I miss her. I miss sharing things and being together. She wanted me as much as i wanted her. She loved me as much as i loved her, she even told me she loved me more than i could imagine.

 

I dont want this pain to suddenly disappear. I want to learn from this experience and i have learnt alot so far.

 

She gave her reasons for spliting up with me on that april afternoon but i dont want whether its my rose tinted glasses talking here but despite everything that has happened and the time ive had to go over everything, something is telling me not to give up but to let things go for now. Leave her be, let yourself be, enjoy your life.

 

She told me she didnt want us to end badly. fighting, arguing and not able to be friends like she is with all her exs. So she wants to protect what we had.

 

She told me she had to do this on her own, she cant be worrying about how im doing. So she wants me to be happy and not turn into a monster like her exs. You cant fault her for that, over easter i was turning into that. This summer break would be an extended version of the easter just gone.

 

So maybe in the grand scale of things she did this to protect us. She didnt want to split with me but she had to, so she can do this. So she can set up her future and i accept that.

 

We both dont know if we will ever get back together but thanks to her, we have the best chance. We ended things on a high before it got too bad. Before any REAL damage was done. There is no hatred between us. I just dont see how two people can go from such a passionate relationship which both felt was for the long term to nothing. We didnt have a big fight or anything. I firmly believe if she didnt do the placement, i wouldnt be here typing to you.

 

All those things we said, all the things we did, it was something extremely special.In a way the way i acted in the easter leading to the break up gave her a reason, an excuse,and while a valid one, on its own its not good enough to end what we had but good enough when combined with the bigger picture.

 

I dont want anything to happen for now, i want to concetrate on myself but Im not ready to give up on a future between us, but im ready to let her go now.

 

My only problem is do i write her letter similar to the one above explaining how sorry i am for the way i was. That i know i tried to "reason" with her before but it was too soon. That ive had time to think things over and i still believe the break up was for the best. That some good things have happened in my life and i would like to tell her one day but i think we both need space.

 

Or have i done enough, should i "disappear" until either one of us is ready to talk about.

 

Thanks for reading.I hope this helps anyone who has been in a similar situation.

 

Never give up but know when its better wait and trust time to heal

[unistudentuk]

I forgot to mention. After i plucked up the courage and went to speak to her for that pleasant 10 minutes conversation, it was just a catch up, no talking about our relationship. A few days later, a mutual friend told me she mentioned i came to see her and she really appreiciated that i could come speak to her and act like an adult, like nothing was wrong.

 

Cheers

[RedDress]

OK. Phew! Read the whooooole thing! You are quite the romantic, aren't you?

 

This whole story can be boiled down to this: she broke up with you because you are clingy. You are clingy and she needs space to be able to go about her life and get her stuff together. I get it... clingy people are suffocating! You always have to call and text and reassure and visit... she simply doesn't have the energy or time for that.

 

The flip side of this, though, could be not that YOU are clingy - but that SHE is 'unavailable'. There are two sides to every coin...

 

The more you talk to her, the more you send letters, visit, ask her out, etc. the more you are PROVING that you are clingy. I know that you just want to show that you care... and that you are afraid that she will forget about you... but you are making it worse.

 

How long have you been NC? You need to set yourself up some 'standards'. You are only allowed to contact her (ANY form of contact - call, email, text, letter, etc) once a month. Yup! Once a month. You've used up your allocation for May... now you must wait.

 

Persistance only works when the person running away wants to be caught. Your persistance is the thing that is making her mad. Persistance, therefore, is not the way to capture her heart. Get it?

[unistudentuk]

Hey. First off. Thanks for making it through alive. That alone is worth a comment back haha.

 

Second, yes i agree, if you go through the story, you can see when it hits about march, the clingy behaviour kicks in and by the time we broke up, i literally was a shadow of my former self. She knows it, i know it. I am not a clingy person. Things were awesome between us but when i thought i was going to lose her, a switch flipped, i got clingy and posessive. simple. Not proud of it but its done now.

 

Its not been truly No contact but in my defense it has been extremely limited contact considering how close we live, I reckon in the month we were split you could count the texts BETWEEN us on 2 hands. I went about 2 Weeks NC and it wasnt hard. I know i can go this summer NC, i have the willpower now. I have a lot on my plate, good things right now so i will be busy,plus i wont be able to see her

 

My standards are simply i feel. Up until now i wanted no contact, didnt tell her this, just did it, slipped up a few times when i text her asking how she was but i stopped that now.

 

From now on, i dont want to talk to her and in reality i dont want her to talk to me, not yet anyway. Not out of spite or anything, i just want my own space for the time being.

 

I think your final point is a stroke of genius. I completely agree with your post, the kind of post i was hoping to get. I became clingy, not cool.

 

One question though, can you explain the unavailable reaction? I kind of get what you mean

 

Thanks

[RedDress]

I think your final point is a stroke of genius. I completely agree with your post, the kind of post i was hoping to get. I became clingy, not cool.

 

One question though, can you explain the unavailable reaction? I kind of get what you mean

 

Thanks

 

Thanks, I try!

 

As far as the unavailable comment... Think for a moment to the cuddliest cat in the world. When you are busy, in a rush or trying to get something accomplished (aka unavailable) and that crazy cat is rubbing up all over you - that is very, very annoying and you hate that cat! When you just sit down to watch a movie or you are tired from a long, stressful day and that same cat comes to see you and rub all over you... well... that's the best cat in the world! So what changed? The cat? No. Your perception of the cat based on where YOU are.

 

I dunno... you could be clingy. But given the circumstances and reasons for the breakup? She sounds kind of unavailable too. That same thing probably would have happened regardless of who she was dating. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

[unistudentuk]

 

I dunno... you could be clingy. But given the circumstances and reasons for the breakup? She sounds kind of unavailable too. That same thing probably would have happened regardless of who she was dating. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

 

Nailed it. Almost word for word about what i said in the pub last night to my mate. I think this would have happened even if i didnt turn clingy in the last month or so. And thinking that has helped me stop beating myself up over it all and move past it.

 

Still, im actually really glad this has all happened, regardless of whether we start a new relationship or not, ive learnt so much more about dynamics of a relationship in this short term one then my longer term ones.

 

I would like to think, when we're back at uni, we could being something Friendship or relationship, providing i move on now. As long as i dont have any expectations, anything that happens is a bonus and i will be emotionally ready to handle it

[RedDress]

I would like to think, when we're back at uni, we could being something Friendship or relationship, providing i move on now. As long as i dont have any expectations, anything that happens is a bonus and i will be emotionally ready to handle it

 

Kudos! Yup... so... don't send that letter.

[unistudentuk]

Kudos! Yup... so... don't send that letter.

 

Nope i wont now.

 

I've done no begging or anything since we split so i have my pride and respect and i still have her respect too.

 

I think ive shown her so far that im moving on with my life so i dont wanna ruin that progress ive made. I'll keep you guys updated as and when stuff happens as i think more people need to see positive things on here too ( Not saying there isnt any). Hopefully i wont have to update here for a while yet.

 

Thanks

[unistudentuk]

Hey quick update just because i thought it would be cool to let people know how i took another big step in my "recovery". Last night i got back from a night out with a friend about 3am or so and we got chatting. He's been there for me lately as he recently got his heart broken a few months back. Something weird happened. for the first time i got angry with her. The word came out and i didnt think twice about it. All i said was

 

"Its funny how things were great between us. We had a holiday booked soon and we were going to see each other this summer a few times, then this bloody placement turns up at the last minute and all of a sudden there were problems and she didnt want to go through all this again with me like she did with her ex's."

 

"She told me when we split we could see how things were in september but after a few days and a few texts and me saying constantly about how we were going to see in september, i caught wind that now she was saying we dont have a future!"

 

Then i shut up.things clicked into place quickly and quite dramatically. Anger was the only emotion i hadnt really experience towards my ex.

 

Now i see clearly now, she had to choose between me and her career. IMO, she chose the right option despite how much it hurt and to be honest, it makes more sense that she had to bite the bullet and sacrifice what we had.

 

Ok you might sit there and say yeah but you can be saying that to make yourself feel better, but in truth i thought it was strange how our first major problem arose and despite how strong our relationship was, one or two problems magically turned up and she didnt want to work at it.

 

Every issue we've had, we have addressed at the time there and then and sorted it and this was the first time these particular problems arose. It doesnt change the fact i was still needy and clingy in the final weeks and i need to change back to normal myself but the fact she didnt see this behaviour as a major problem literally until the day her interviews were confirmed casts doubt over whether these were problems to start with or like i mentioned previously, did i simply just give her an excuse??

 

Sorry for the rant but i feel like ive taken a massive step forward today, literally the biggest one yet. I spoke to my nan today who is a bit of an oracle for love and life experiences and she gave me the best advice today.

 

Focus on your own life for now. Show her you're happy, not that you're happy without her in your life but happy and that you're getting on with things and not dwelling like i have been.

 

So thats what im going to do and what i suggest anyone in a similar situation is in to do. Get on with life and be happy. That doesnt mean you're happy with life without them in it but that you're happy with your life at the moment

 

M

[unistudentuk]

Last minute update:

 

I caved in and phoned her just now. We have been in extremely minimal contact up until now and while i have made big strides, a part of me was refusing to move on. I wanted to say sorry for hurting her so much. Sorry for being selfish and that i still accept the break up had to happen.

 

I ring her, she seemed happy to pick up but was tired. After the initial quick chat, i dived in, i said i was sorry for hurting her so much. She said i didnt need to say sorry but i made it clear to her she cant let me off that easy, i hurt her, i betrayed her trust so i owe her an apology. I went on to apologise for being pushy, going against her wishes and for breaking the promise not to hurt her like her ex did.

 

I mentioned the placement, how i fully support it and id want her to do it and because i wouldnt want her to resent me if she chose me instead. She said she wasnt "not going to do it". I told her im happy with my life at the moment too. She said thats good, now she doesnt want to talk about it anymore.

 

Then i planted my little seed for her to mull over. I said it would be best for both of us if we had a few months apart (NC basically) to do our own thing. But at some point id love to catch up and hear about it and tell her about what im up to.

 

But the bit that made me smile was when i said after those months apart maybe we could start again and get to know each other again,properly this time and she agreed that would be nice. Her tone wasnt exactly overexcited but she was tired and in bed but she let me say my bit and we said our goodbyes. I sent her a message saying thanks for letting me give her the apology she deserves. That im sorry i hurt her. that shes been through it before and i made a promise not to do that same and i did, finishing with id love to start again one day, show her how much ive grown already from this but not right now because ive still got learning to do.

 

Result! Now i am exactly where i want to be. Getting on with my life, both people agreeing time apart will be good and both would like to try and start again. It will be hard but as far as im concerned, she doesn't exist for the next 2-3 months at least. I need to follow through on my promise and stick to the NC.