What can be done with used engagement rings?

[Citlali]

If an engagement ring is now supposed to represent love and commitment and symbolically pledging one's life to a partner - why don't women give engagement rings to men?

 

They don't? I know plenty of women who have. Don't make blanket generalizations just because that has been the norm in the past. Is it predominantly still men giving women engagement rings? I'd say yes. Does that mean NO women give men engagement rings? Of course not.

 

It's as wrong as assuming no man takes his wife's last name instead of it being the other way around. That does happen despite the opposite being the norm.

[DN]

They don't? I know plenty of women who have. Don't make blanket generalizations just because that has been the norm in the past. Is it predominantly still men giving women engagement rings? I'd say yes. Does that mean NO women give men engagement rings? Of course not.

 

It's as wrong as assuming no man takes his wife's last name instead of it being the other way around. That does happen despite the opposite being the norm.

I believe I am correct in that the expectation and tradition is that a man will give an engagement ring to a woman but no such expectation or tradition exists in modern Western society that a woman will give one to a man. If anyone can point to an equivalent or even near equivalent amount of engagement rings for men designed, stocked, advertised, promoted and sold then I will change my viewpoint.

 

If a woman does give a ring it ss because she chooses to do so despite tradition. And my point is that if that expectation existed, rather than her simply choosing to, the expectations about price etc would probably change.

 

I have yet to see a thread on here from a man complaining that the engagement ring he received from his fiance was too small, too cheap or that he didn't like the one she chose for him.

[FarthestEdge]

DN,

While I get what you are saying, you are missing a fundamental point. While many men believed that they are expected to give an engagement ring, it is equally EXPECTED that his fiance WEAR such ring ALL THE TIME, show it to everyone who enquires about their engagement, and even to wear it her whole life.

 

If you expect this of her, then it should at least be something she is comfortable and happy to wear. NOT something that makes her feel like second-best. And certainly not something she has to explain to people over and over that he actually bought it for someone else he once loved, when they ask "Where did he get it"

 

A gift of any sort, should be chosen with the recipient in mind. I wouldn't buy my mother power tools...Regardless of your or my view on engagement ring prices (which is a different issue altogether), it is not kind, thoughtful or loving to give someone a gift that makes them feel like an afterthought, and then DEMAND that they remind themselves of this everyday by wearing it.

 

The alternative if for the woman to accept the ring with a smile, and then place it in HER jewellery drawer and not wear it...THEN you'd hear some men complaining.

 

Again, while I think a ring is OPTIONAL (at the man's option) and needn't be expensive, if you are going to give her one, then give her one she can enjoy wearing.

 

A woman will not enjoy wearing a ring you bought for the LAST woman you planned to be with, have children with and sleep with for the rest of your life.

[DN]

The point I am trying to make is that it seems to me there is way too much emphasis on the ring, how much it costs, how big the stones are, where the ring comes from, how it is chosen, who chooses it and not enough emphasis on what it represents.

 

I understand that a ring bought for someone else may have undesirable connotations but, judging by the number of threads on here about engagement rings, it has come to be all about the wrong things - status and money - and not the right things - loving someone enough to just want to be with them. The fact that men are told how many months salary they should spend on a ring is exactly the sort of thing I mean.

 

As an example - this thread about engagement rings is posted by someone who isn't even engaged yet.

[penelope13]

While I get what you are saying, you are missing a fundamental point. While many men believed that they are expected to give an engagement ring, it is equally EXPECTED that his fiance WEAR such ring ALL THE TIME, show it to everyone who enquires about their engagement, and even to wear it her whole life.

 

Let me get this straight: the fundamental point of the ring is to wear it all the time so you can show it to OTHER people (i.e women, i've not observed many men 'enquiring' about the details of someone else's engagement ring). I'm not sure if this is the expectation of men, or if this is what women tell each other it should be so that the tradition remains.

 

If the ring is supposed to be a symbol of commitment to each other you would think one would be sufficient: either the engagement ring or the wedding ring.

 

While I totally get that no one likes the thought of receiving a ring that was initially bought for someone else, what irks me about this thread and similar ones is: the engagement has not even taken place yet, but OP is already worried that she will get the 'right' one. And God forbid he chooses wrongly, the poor guy will have to suffer for this for the rest of his life, because no matter how hard he works on making her happy none of that can ever equal this out again.

[FarthestEdge]

I don't disagree with a single word here. I am just defending ANY womans desire to not be given a recycled engagement ring. The rest I agree, has gotten completely out of hand. The whole wedding thing has gotten completely nuts, not just the ring. And yes, people are losing sight of the bigger picture.

 

But I still wouldn't want an engagement ring DH bought for someone else he once intended to marry...Given the option, I'd rather have no ring at all. And I am not saying that in a "If I can't have what I want, I don't want anything [stomps foot]!" kind of way. I mean that I'd rather he just ask me share my life with him, than to do so WITH a ring that says (to me) "and to commemorate this important event in our lives, here's a ring I bought for the last woman I pledged my heart to...but she left me, so you might as well have it". I'd rather he sell the ring and buy himself something with the money. That would be part of his past, and has no place in our present.

 

I hope that explains my POV on this. I wouldn't want my view on recycled rings to be miscontrued, lest I find myself labelled as a 'princess'. *cough*[hex]*cough.

[FarthestEdge]

Let me get this straight: the fundamental point of the ring is to wear it all the time so you can show it to OTHER people (i.e women, i've not observed many men 'enquiring' about the details of someone else's engagement ring). I'm not sure if this is the expectation of men, or if this is what women tell each other it should be so that the tradition remains.

 

.

 

 

I am not saying that's the fundamental POINT of the ring. DN pointed out that there is a one-sided expectation that a man buy a woman a ring, without reciprocation. Which, while not how things were done in my engagement, I agree that the 'tradition' is such. I was simply pointing out that this same 'tradition' holds the expectation that when a woman receives said ring, that she WEAR it as an indicator that she is betrothed, and thus, off the market.(

 

IF the ring is intended to serve ANY purpose, it should be to make the recipient feel loved- because her bf bought her something, that he personally sees no value in whatsoever, because he believed it would make HER happy.

 

See, this is the point of gifts- giving people you care about things they would enjoy having (and when possible, things they wouldn't splurge on for themselves), because you appreciate how they add to your life, so you want to give them a gift to hopefully, in some small way, add to theirs.

 

NOT- "I'm expected to give you a gift, so here, this was expensive, it will do"

 

And that's the other side. I can see where some men would say "But it was an expensive ring- what's the problem? She want's an expensive, flashy ring, it's an expensive, flashy ring!?!" But they are missing the point. Most women, want a ring he chose while contemplating their future together, hoping she will say 'yes' to his proposal. The value of the ring should be irrelevant. As with any other gift. It's the thought that should matter. There's no thought to a recycled ring your ex once threw back at you.

[getbiii]

so i guess the question should be,

what to do with the old rings when entering a new marriage?

 

i think you have only two options.

 

sell it or keep it as a nice memory!

 

if you sell it the possibilities of you getting what you paid for it are really low!

but with this economy and having a new pattern in your life,

an extra buck can always come in handy,

how ever just because you have a new love doesn't mean you should erase your past!

it happened and it shoul be remembered as something nice,

if you decide to keep it i would say frame it and maybe hang it to make some nice house ordament,

but then again it will be very uncomfortable having to see it,

[DN]

I can see why someone would not want a used engagement ring - but to expect that a man who has lost a large amount of money when he disposes of it to then spend the same amount as he did the first time for one for his new fiance assumes that he can afford it. I just don't like the attitude of entitlement that some people seem to have when it comes to the cost of engagement rings.

 

Most women, want a ring he chose while contemplating their future together, hoping she will say 'yes' to his proposal. The value of the ring should be irrelevant.

That may be true for some women but if you read the many threads on here, the consensus among women seems to be that they should choose the ring together so she doesn't have to wear a ring that she doesn't like. I agree that the value should be irrelevant but as we have seen - it very often isn't.

[FarthestEdge]

so i guess the question should be,

what to do with the old rings when entering a new marriage?

 

i think you have only two options.

 

sell it or keep it as a nice memory!

 

,

 

Which is why I say sell it, and buy yourself something with the proceeds...You already spent the money, and on a relationship that ended. So why not treat yourself.

 

Yes, you won't get what you paid for it. But keeping it in a drawer gets you nothing for it...

 

Then, completely separate issue- when you find someone else you want to marry, and IF you want to buy them a ring, then you choose the ring that you can afford at that time, that you think your gf will like.

 

Old engagement/new engagement. completely.Separate.Issues.

[Batya33]

I would not want a used engagement ring because I am somewhat superstitious - and sometimes very superstitious about where things came from. But, if it meant that he could not afford to spend as much as he would have on a ring, that would be totally fine with me.

 

I didn't want a ring so I could show it to other people. I wanted a ring for the usual reasons - the tradition, the symbol of commitment. I offered to buy my fiancee now husband a watch as an engagement gift but he never got around to picking one out. I did buy him his wedding band (mine was his grandmother's and I love it for that reason).

 

I did tell him generally what I wanted and we did look at rings together because I knew if I didn't he'd get me one with too large a stone. I don't like large stones on my small hand and I find them a little ostentatious.

[DN]

Which is why I say sell it, and buy yourself something with the proceeds...You already spent the money, and on a relationship that ended. So why not treat yourself.

 

Yes, you won't get what you paid for it. But keeping it in a drawer gets you nothing for it...

 

Then, completely separate issue- when you find someone else you want to marry, and IF you want to buy them a ring, then you choose the ring that you can afford at that time, that you think your gf will like.

 

Old engagement/new engagement. completely.Separate.Issues.

This^.......

[HouseKitten]

Personally, unless my boyfriends ex had passed away, I would find it pretty creepy if he framed the ring he once gave her.

 

As I've mentioned before, my boyfriend sold his engagement ring and if he'd gotten hers back he would have done the same with it. Most people don't buy the ring with the expectation of making money off the sale of it later after all, so I think any amount you get from it is a bonus.

[penelope13]

I am really dense when it comes to this ring business: what is the point of choosing the ring together and then going through the whole charade of him asking her, her being surprised, then saying yes? - as soon as I am looking at rings together with him, are we essentially not already saying: we want to get married?

[Batya33]

I am really dense when it comes to this ring business: what is the point of choosing the ring together and then going through the whole charade of him asking her, her being surprised, then saying yes? - as soon as I am looking at rings together with him, are we essentially not already saying: we want to get married?

 

Well, the timing (the first time!) was a surprise - I knew it was coming eventually since we had taken a look on valentine's day but yes I was surprised on the particular day - it was romantic and sweet- not a charade. What's wrong with traditions that have an element of silliness or "huh?" The second time (yup, same guy and... same ring!) was a surprise as far as the particular day but it was more of a formality, to mark the exact day we got engaged again.

 

I know plenty of people who have looked at rings and not ended up getting engaged or married - it's not a done deal till it's done.

 

You should do it in a way that makes sense to you and feels good to you of course - this is just how we did it.

[savagegirl]

I had gone ring shopping with my guy a few times, but I was still surprised when he got down on one knee the day before Valentines Day. Really, we both knew we wanted to marry each other, but I had no idea when he was going to actually pop the question!

[savagegirl]

Batya you were engaged to your husband twice? So you guys didn't get married the first time but he kept the ring? How many years before you got back together and got engaged again?

[sasha1982]

Wow this thread got pretty heated..

Not sure why any old posts got brought up of mine, last time I posted I was grumpy and in pain from having major surgery and bed ridden and it was my birthday & Valentine's Day.

I was grumpy lol... I didn't even say anything to my boyfriend about it.

Turns out he treated me very very nicely for our 1 year anniversary and took me away somewhere for the weekend and bought me a few very nice gifts (not jewellery) that I absolutely loved and wanted more than any piece of jewellery.

 

Any whoo, regarding the ring issue for me it's only about re-using a ring.. Not that I think he will, but that would really upset me.

To put it into perspective that is IS about that and not about money.... If for example my ex paid $4000 years ago for that ring for his ex... I would still rather have a brand new ring picked out for ME only that cost $2000. Rather than the 2x expensive used ring bought for her.

 

No woman wants a ring a man gave to another woman... Not the band or the stone.

Even though men don't care about jewellery in the way women do, I would never never never re-use a ring I gave to a man, engagement or wedding band. Not even if I saved my life savings for it.. That's tacky and I could never life with myself if I did that. I would eat the loss and buy my love something of his own I chose for HIM and not someone else.

Hell, I wouldn't even re-gift a pair of shoes to re give a boyfriend! Let alone a ring that is supposed to symbolize our commitment for life.

[Batya33]

Batya you were engaged to your husband twice? So you guys didn't get married the first time but he kept the ring? How many years before you got back together and got engaged again?

 

Yes! Our engagements were about 11 years apart. The first engagement lasted 4 months, the second for 7 weeks (and then we got married). I didn't know he kept the ring. I offered the ring back as soon as we broke up the first time and left it for him - I couldn't bear to give it back to him in person, and he was fine with that.

[savagegirl]

Wow, crazy that he kept the ring all those years, almost like he knew he would get you back one day.

[sasha1982]

That's sweet that he proposed all over again.. Instead of just continuing the relationship off where it ended, it was like a brand new lets do this right all over again. Very sweet..

[Citlali]

I believe I am correct in that the expectation and tradition is that a man will give an engagement ring to a woman but no such expectation or tradition exists in modern Western society that a woman will give one to a man.

 

I agree (I even said so myself). That, however, is absolutely not what you said above. Read it again. There, you said, "Why don't women give men engagement rings", which implies NO woman does. Had you said then what you said now, I'd have said, "I agree. That seems correct. However, despite that, many women DO give men engagement rings." I sincerely hope you can discern the difference between your two comments and therefore why I responded differently each time.

[DN]

I agree (I even said so myself). That, however, is absolutely not what you said above. Read it again. There, you said, "Why don't women give men engagement rings", which implies NO woman does. Had you said then what you said now, I'd have said, "I agree. That seems correct. However, despite that, many women DO give men engagement rings." I sincerely hope you can discern the difference between your two comments and therefore why I responded differently each time.

I did not imply that - you inferred and that is a different thing.

 

I would very much like to know how many "many" is and what evidence you have for that statement. I see very little. I see a lot of men wearing wedding rings but I don't know of any man that wears an engagement ring.

 

Certainly wikipedia (even if not infallible) does not seem to think so: link removed

[FarthestEdge]

Oh c'mon..

 

Jenn- DN is just pointing out the obvious. He is smart enough to know there are NO absolutes, so to think he is inferring that NO woman has EVER given her man an engagement ring is somewhat an overreach. He is correct that there is no tradition or even a social acknowledgement that such a thing exists.

 

DN- just because wikipedia says it ain't so, doesn't mean some of us don't try to play fair. I bought DH a ring after he proposed to me, because I wanted him to have a ring from me as well, and it seemed silly to me that he buy me one but not I for him. Having said that, he has NEVER in 21 years referred to it as an 'engagement ring'. To him it is simply a ring that I gave him, around the time we got engaged. I don't know of ANY man that would refer to a ring given to him upon engagement as an 'engagement ring'. The men I know would get laughed out of their buddies garage for such a comment....

 

I also know someone who got an 'engagement boat'...not into jewellery so much as watercraft....which goes back to the "give what you know they would like to receive"

[Batya33]

I don't know any woman who bought her intended an engagement ring but my mother told me that the watch that was traditionally bought by the woman for the man was called "an engagement watch". I didn't see my buying my husband's wedding band as an "engagement gift" but more like a wedding gift.

 

It was sweet that he proposed again and when we started dating again which was 8 years after we broke up almost everything seemed new because so much time had passed.