What can be done with used engagement rings?

[hexaemeron]

Why would she be happy to get a ring that was bought for and worn by her man's ex-fiancee? Ouch.. I would like to see any woman be even remotely happy about something like this. You are a guy so I can understand that you wouldn't understand. I'd be happier to see it come from a pawn shop, then I at least would know he bought it with ME in mind and not some other woman.

 

Because life isn't a fairy tale. Women are not princesses. Men are not gallant white knights who will live and die for your favor. If you care about the ring more than the relationship, you don't deserve the ring OR the relationship, imho.

 

Who cares about the history of the ring? It could come from a store, or be a family heirloom or come from a pawn shop, who cares?????

 

It's being given to you. The promise is being made to you -- If you can't get past princessy material concerns to see what that gift really means, then yeah, your priorities are fouled up.

[savagegirl]

LOL Just because we are not princes and princesses doesn't make it ok to use a ring bought with someone else in mind, worn by a previous woman who he didn't end up marrying. Every time she or even he looks down at that ring, I am sure they will both think of the woman who it was bought for and who worn it before her. It's bad karma. If you think that way you are entitled to that, just as I am entitled to think she isn't being unreasonable in wanting a new ring with the love for her in mind when he buys it. And if that's a fairytale then we must all live in a fairytale because I don't know any guy who would do that to his girl.

[hexaemeron]

LOL Just because we are not princes and princesses doesn't make it ok to use a ring bought with someone else in mind, worn by a previous woman who he didn't end up marrying. Every time she or even he looks down at that ring, I am sure they will both think of the woman who it was bought for and who worn it before her. It's bad karma. If you think that way you are entitled to that, just as I am entitled to think she isn't being unreasonable in wanting a new ring with the love for her in mind when he buys it. And if that's a fairytale then we must all live in a fairytale because I don't know any guy who would do that to his girl.

 

SG, read this post of hers and you'll understand MY position here. This is a pattern of behavior with this girl and it's horrendously unfortunate.

 

 

 

If something I gave to someone wasn't good enough for him, that's the last thing I would ever give him. End of story.

[FarthestEdge]

LOL Just because we are not princes and princesses doesn't make it ok to use a ring bought with someone else in mind, worn by a previous woman who he didn't end up marrying. Every time she or even he looks down at that ring, I am sure they will both think of the woman who it was bought for and who worn it before her. It's bad karma. If you think that way you are entitled to that, just as I am entitled to think she isn't being unreasonable in wanting a new ring with the love for her in mind when he buys it. And if that's a fairytale then we must all live in a fairytale because I don't know any guy who would do that to his girl.

 

Honestly, I agree with this. Personally, I think the whole engagement thing has gotten ridiculously out of hand (3 months salary? Really?), but I wouldn't want a ring that was once thrown back in my fiances face by an angry ex-fiance...Wear a ring that his grandma wore for her 50 yr marriage? Absolutely! that's got good karma, and warm family feelings of tradition...but not a ring my guy picked out for someone else that ended in tears and drama.

 

This isn't a used car, it's a ring many women will wear for their lifetime, they shouldn't have to look at it and think of fiance 1.0,

 

It's an emotional issue, not a financial one.

[savagegirl]

Ok well her previous thread isn't really the issue. You see it as her being a spoiled princess who wants this crazy expensive ring, whereas I see it as her not wanting a tainted ring that has already been used by and then given back to her man's ex fiancee. Farthest Edge I agree with you.

[hexaemeron]

Ok well her previous thread isn't really the issue. You see it as her being a spoiled princess who wants this crazy expensive ring, whereas I see it as her not wanting a tainted ring that has already been used by and then given back to her man's ex fiancee. Farthest Edge I agree with you.

 

We can agree to disagree. Let's see how long the relationship lasts after she lets her displeasure be known.

[HouseKitten]

This isn't a used car, it's a ring many women will wear for their lifetime, they shouldn't have to look at it and think of fiance 1.0.

 

This.

 

My boyfriend was engaged once. As far as I know his ex took her ring with her, and he sold his one about 4 months after we got together. But if he had kept her ring, regardless of issues with style and size, there is no way I would be okay with him handing it over to me in time.

 

An engagement is basically a symbol of commitment and a promise to marry someone. Since I met my boyfriend, who is far less concerned with the cost of goods than my ex was, I've realised how little I actually care about having things that cost loads just for the sake of it. All I want is a ring that suits my hand. If it's silver rather than platinum, so be it. But, that ring should be unique to us and our commitment, not something he once placed on the finger of another woman. As FarthestEdge rightly states, no one wants to look at their finger and see a symbol of his past feelings for someone else.

 

It shouldn't matter how much it costs, I agree with that. But however illogical it might seem, the ring itself matters. It's something personal between you and your fiance.

[hexaemeron]

I really don't understand this, at all. He could put ANYTHING on your finger, and you should feel privileged that the effort was made at all. Why does it matter? What possible bearing could it have on the success and happiness of the rest of your life together?

[FarthestEdge]

I really don't understand this, at all. He could put ANYTHING on your finger, and you should feel privileged that the effort was made at all. Why does it matter? What possible bearing could it have on the success and happiness of the rest of your life together?

 

If it's a ring he bought for someone else, then the effort was made for fiance 1.0, not the current version.

 

Hex, in general, I agree with you about the ridiculous extremes some people go in what they 'expect' in an engagement ring, but like I said, this isn't about money..

 

Personally, I'd rather have a $100 ring that was bought for me, than a $10,000 ring that was bought for someone else.

 

'Since she's gone, and it's just sitting in [his] safety deposit box, might as well have it?' There's no thought or touching sentiment in that....In that case, it's really no different than a "That'll shut her up ring" that some guys buy just to stop their gf's from nagging....

[sophie274]

You just DON'T recycle jewelry given with a romantic intention. I don't think it's unreasonable at all to not want the ex's ring. I would rather not have an engagement ring at all than wear the one my fiance had bought for his ex. Sort of puts a damper on the idea that it's a symbol of his intention to marry her when he bought it while he was intending to marry someone else.

 

Where things are getting unreasonable is saying that he should pay more for the OP's ring than he did for the ex's ring. That should be up to him to decide.

[hexaemeron]

You'll forgive my rather draconian view on this considering the OP's posting history about how cheap and unthoughtful her boyfriend is, when in fact he's nothing of the sort.

 

I do very much think it's a motivating factor here. And I'll just have to smile and nod and accept that you people feel this way, because it still makes no sense to me. Then again, this goes back to those "I need my partner to make me feel special" things, and that's just not me.

[HouseKitten]

I really don't understand this, at all. He could put ANYTHING on your finger, and you should feel privileged that the effort was made at all. Why does it matter? What possible bearing could it have on the success and happiness of the rest of your life together?

 

Everything that FarthestEdge said in response to this is exactly what I was going to say.

 

Like she said, the effort hasn't been made for you, it was made with the first girl. The thought process about what your fiance would like, what type of ring would suit her, etc etc, none of that has gone into it.

 

If anything would be likely to make a girl feel like a replacement for the old fiance, this would be it.

 

In a perfect world sure, no one would place any sort of karmic or emotional value on material goods, but the fact is that an engagement ring is still a powerful and important symbol for most women, and men, of commitment and love, second only to the actual wedding ring. Some people go so far as to personally design their rings and have them made so they are 100% unique to that couple and their marriage. Some people even have them tattooed on. Hopefully, that ring is what you'll wear for the rest of your life. I certainly I hope I will when I have one. Something that permanent should have meaning and thought put into it, regardless of whether it costs £5 or £5000 - it shouldn't just be the nearest convenient option.

[hexaemeron]

But... what if it's a family heirloom? Everything you said about lack of personal thought goes into that, but people wet themselves over getting those. What's the difference?

[HouseKitten]

But... what if it's a family heirloom? Everything you said about lack of personal thought goes into that, but people wet themselves over getting those. What's the difference?

 

I think those are the exception, though I imagine things would get tricky there if a guy had a ring that was his grandmothers or something, which he'd given to an ex and then gotten back. I think in that situation the karma of the heirloom transcends the fact that it was given to an ex.

 

Personally I wouldn't be that keen on an heirloom ring because it wouldn't feel very personal to me... it was chosen for someone else, by someone else after all.

[hexaemeron]

I think those are the exception, though I imagine things would get tricky there if a guy had a ring that was his grandmothers or something, which he'd given to an ex and then gotten back. I think in that situation the karma of the heirloom transcends the fact that it was given to an ex.

 

Personally I wouldn't be that keen on an heirloom ring because it wouldn't feel very personal to me... it was chosen for someone else, by someone else after all.

 

I don't believe in karma. People who do bad things have good things and bad things happen. People who do good things have good and bad things happen. It's all just empty and random, imho. No wonder this doesn't register for me. You're all putting some cosmic importance on this one item.

[Firiel]

I have to side with the girls on this one... I see an engagement ring as simply a symbolic way to promise your life to someone. I don't think it's about the cost of the bling at all. While physically, whether or not the ring belonged to an ex doesn't matter, I feel like it is perfectly legitimate not to want a ring that he has used to promise his life to another person. My fiance has written me a song that he plans to sing to me at our wedding. It's a really sweet, symbolic gesture of how much he loves me. If I found out that he had planned to sing that song to his ex-almost-fiance, I would be very hurt. I kind of liken the the two situations. I'd rather have no ring than a ring that was given to another girl...

 

I'll note that I haven't gone back and read sasha's previous posts, but when it comes to the basic, cut-and-dry idea of the thread, I do agree that an engagement ring should not be re-used for a second (or third or fourth!) woman.

[FarthestEdge]

But... what if it's a family heirloom? Everything you said about lack of personal thought goes into that, but people wet themselves over getting those. What's the difference?

 

An heirloom is something that is intended to STAY in the family for generations. So when you give your fiance something that is intended for the family, you are showing them you believe in your future together and that even though they have given it to YOU, they trust that it will eventually continue down their family line (i.e. through the children you have together)

 

I know someone who used a family heirloom ring, & then got divorced. Luckily the ex returned the ring, and it is now in safekeeping for their son. My friend wouldn't re-use the ring, it's kind of a one-shot deal per generation. And even though, that marriage ended in divorce, I feel that the son can still use it without the 'bad karma', because it was the ring that was given to his mother, with love, and that marriage brought him into the world.

 

To me, family heirlooms aren't really owned, they are entrusted to one generation in safekeeping for the next generation. That's why IMO their emotional value trumps the 'second hand' notion. Because it is in NO WAY about the money or value, it's about the trust and belief that the marriage will go the distance.

[hexaemeron]

...but doesn't the fact that this person is on one knee, pledging to spend his life with you.... doesn't it ALWAYS mean that? Regardless of the ring?

[FarthestEdge]

...but doesn't the fact that this person is on one knee, pledging to spend his life with you.... doesn't it ALWAYS mean that? Regardless of the ring?

 

It's SUPPOSED to. Sadly, too many people get married without enough forethought, or with the idea that 'I can always get a divorce'

 

Since we never truly know what goes through our partners head, we rely on outside cues. Anyone can BUY a ring. Anyone can spend a stupid amount of money on a ring from Peoples. But to ask you mother or grandmother for a ring that has been in the family for generations, says VERY clearly that you believe it will be forever. It brings the bride to be into the family fold very quickly, because it also bestows a responsibility on HER to take care of this (emotionally) valued family treasure.

 

Having said that, I come from a family that has a significant attachment to the numerous heirlooms that have been handed down. Not everyone has such things or even sees them that way, so I imagine there are some who would look at an heirloom ring no differently than an otherwise 'recycled' ring...

 

I'm just explaining to you the emotional logic that can exempt an heirloom from the "don't recycle engagement rings" thinking.

[hexaemeron]

Hahah, too much trouble trying to untangle conflicting and arbitrary emotional needs.

 

If you guys are happy wanting that, more power to you.

[FarthestEdge]

Hahah, too much trouble trying to untangle conflicting and arbitrary emotional needs.

 

If you guys are happy wanting that, more power to you.

 

I don't see a conflict?

 

While I agree an engagement ring isn't necessary, I think if a man decides he wants to give one, there's nothing wrong with that either. But if you ARE going to give your girl a ring, knowing she is going to wear it, theoretically, forever, then you should want to choose something that will touch her emotionally in a positive way.

 

Unfortunately, too many buy into the notion that the more he spends, the more he must love...Personally, I am offended by that idea, because it reduces us to little more than prostitutes....

 

But if it is given with the hope that everytime she looks at it, she is reminded that he loves her, and he chose this (or asked the family to surrender it to him) for her specifically in mind, then it is a gift worth giving, and valued when received, regardless of the cost.

 

A ring that was bought with someone else in mind does not fit this. It then becomes about 'the ring' and not about the fiance. It was chosen for someone ELSE entirely. That makes the fiance 2.0 feel like an afterthought.

 

I should then correct my previous statement. I'd rather have NO ring, than a ring DH bought for someone else.

[hexaemeron]

The conflict, to me, is that this idea that the ring is somehow tainted forever or a bad omen basically advocates the idea that someone proposing to you and offering you something (when really, he doesn't have to) --- It almost sounds like you expect the marriage to fail because the ring has "evil energy" or "bad intent" to it when it's just a damn ring you should happy to get in the first place.

 

I mean, this is taking on a whole voodoo aspect that's frankly shocking to me.

[FarthestEdge]

The conflict, to me, is that this idea that the ring is somehow tainted forever or a bad omen basically advocates the idea that someone proposing to you and offering you something (when really, he doesn't have to) --- It almost sounds like you expect the marriage to fail because the ring has "evil energy" or "bad intent" to it when it's just a damn ring you should happy to get in the first place.

 

I mean, this is taking on a whole voodoo aspect that's frankly shocking to me.

 

Hex, if I was going to give you a car, what would make you the MOST happy (assume for the sake of argument, that the price is irrelevant to me).

 

*A brand new Infinti G60. I picked it because I thought it was bold & sexy, just like you. ;D

 

*A 2 year old used BMW 3 Series that was in a car accident, where a the family travelling in it was killed (no worries, the damage has been repaired and the blood cleaned from the upholstery). It was my car, I'd loaned it to the family (good friends)...The insurance co paid for the repairs. So the car doesn't really hold happy memories for me. I never drive it & it's been parked in my garage since I got it back from the repair shop

 

*Or a restored 1968 Mustang Cobra GT that I helped my grandfather rebuild before he passed away.

 

 

The thing is, I don't HAVE to give you a car, but I CAN and I WANT TO. So I am trying to decide, which of these 3 options would make you the happiest.

 

Are you honestly saying the BMW isn't in ANY WAY less appealing because of it's history?

[DN]

If an engagement ring is now supposed to represent love and commitment and symbolically pledging one's life to a partner - why don't women give engagement rings to men?

 

It would be interesting to see if viewpoints about cost, style, who chooses it, entitlement, etc. would change if that were to become the norm.

[FarthestEdge]

If an engagement ring is now supposed to represent love and commitment and symbolically pledging one's life to a partner - why don't women give engagement rings to men?

 

It would be interesting to see if viewpoints about cost, style, who chooses it, entitlement, etc. would change if that were to become the norm.

 

I DID buy DH a diamond ring when we got engaged. A very nice one. I picked it out because I worked for a jeweller and spent my days looking at rings - also, he really didn't care that much tbh.... I also pointed out the ring I wanted, and he remembered....It cost less than a week's salary. We were young and had better things to spend our money on.

 

Also- @ Hex...When I talk about 'karma', I am really bastardizing the word for simplicities sake. I don't believe wearing someone elses ring will cause my marriage to fail...It just wouldn't want to look at that ring and be reminded, on a daily basis, that someone else had his heart and soul before me. Yes, it's life, and unrealistic to expect otherwise, but I don't need to look at the evidence every time I put my hands in front of my face...It just kinda rubs some salt in the wound, so to speak.