Big Problem

[Hurting85]

I honestly don't believe he is full fledged gay. He dated girls in high school, and I"m not the first girl he's been with. Unfortunately, she wasn't such a great experience, so he sticks to tried and true, which I guess bothers me because I like trying new things.

I learned something yesterday, too. Turns out he has considered divorce also, because my being jealous is driving him crazy. That was a hard blow to take. But he's willing to help make it a non-issue. And no, I didn't ask him to cut off contact. I might at some point in the future, but it seems so unfair to do, so controlling.

 

This morning was great. We laid in bed, and cuddled, and tickled, and I got a real kiss goodbye. We never stay in bed in the mornings.

 

I'm surprised really, because he's generally one to hold grudges, and if he's mad at someone, he won't talk to them. He still won't talk to our old roommates after a falling out about taking care of their dog, and that was before Christmas! But he's flirting and having fun with me, so I really don't think I did any lasting harm, and I honestly think he knows more about how I feel, and I do think he cares, and I do think it matters to him.

 

More than all of that though, I see a difference in how he is acting toward me. I had a migraine yesterday (can birth control cause migraines?) and he was doting on me the whole time after that conversation because it got a lot worse after dinner. And he's the guy who when I spent months with an awful cough was making me dinner and getting me all comfortable. There's a lot more to us than just this mess.

 

I know it's not an overnight fix, and only time will tell, but so far, so good. We made a promise to work things through no matter what, and I see us working through this.

[Sunny1607307996]

Wait, the first time you met him was for the wedding? What?!

[Ac143]

Wait, the first time you met him was for the wedding? What?!

 

Yeah I read that & was pretty much speechless myself so I didn't comment.

 

OP - its seems to me like you feel you were more wrong for "snooping" then he was for writing what he did. Its like the tables got turned during this talk & you are just grateful/happy he isn't mad at you - when in reality you should have been pee'ved at him!! what was his reasoning for being so disrespectful about his wife in those text messages??

[Hurting85]

Wait, the first time you met him was for the wedding? What?!

 

The friend, yeah. He lives over 8 hours away and is determined to be number one at everything so he has no free time.

 

Yeah I read that & was pretty much speechless myself so I didn't comment.

 

OP - its seems to me like you feel you were more wrong for "snooping" then he was for writing what he did. Its like the tables got turned during this talk & you are just grateful/happy he isn't mad at you - when in reality you should have been pee'ved at him!! what was his reasoning for being so disrespectful about his wife in those text messages??

 

I do feel guilty, and his only reaction was that his mouth got thin and he asked why I felt the need.

 

This morning I felt better, but the more I think about it, the worse I feel. The less resolved it feels. I'm thinking I am going to ask that the friend be cut off. Anyone else in the world, I wouldn't care. But this guy... turns my stomach in knots.

[Sunny1607307996]

Oh sorry OP, I read that as the first time you met the HUSBAND was at the wedding.

 

I still maintain that you have deeper issues that could be resolved through marital counseling.

[NightLily]

There we have it...this guy is gay and married you to cover it up. What you have is a marriage for appearances. If he truly loved you and was committed to this marriage he would have said an outright "no" to sex with this guy, not simply "if she doesn't want me to do it I won't do it". Your marriage is a sham for appearances. This is all about him.

 

I wouldn't normally agree with this (and I have only read the thread up to this point currently) but it sounds the same way to me as well.

 

He seems to be more concerned about his wife keeping his house clean and the perks of having somebody cook him dinner. And it does sound like he is worried about his cover being blown and it wears him down trying to put up with you being "lovey dovey".. as in it is a chore to deal with the "love" between you too.

 

Based off of this information alone.. this just does not sound like a good situation for you. Sounds like you are being used.

[NightLily]

Ok just read through the thread and all of your posts to try to reassure us and yourself that everything was better actually just confirmed my thoughts...

 

You are being played. Probably not cheated on but something isn't right here.

 

People can live double lives for a very long time.. you can think you know somebody but it was just a heap of lies. But keep your eyes open and the lies will start to reveal themselves.

[Hurting85]

I wouldn't normally agree with this (and I have only read the thread up to this point currently) but it sounds the same way to me as well.

 

He seems to be more concerned about his wife keeping his house clean and the perks of having somebody cook him dinner. And it does sound like he is worried about his cover being blown and it wears him down trying to put up with you being "lovey dovey".. as in it is a chore to deal with the "love" between you too.

 

Based off of this information alone.. this just does not sound like a good situation for you. Sounds like you are being used.

 

I don't work. The deal was that was fine so long as I did housework. And I promised I would. For the longest time, I was absorbed with wedding stuff, and the place looked awful. Those comments came from the first couple times he actually came home and I had cleaned and dinner was ready.

 

Ok just read through the thread and all of your posts to try to reassure us and yourself that everything was better actually just confirmed my thoughts...

 

You are being played. Probably not cheated on but something isn't right here.

 

People can live double lives for a very long time.. you can think you know somebody but it was just a heap of lies. But keep your eyes open and the lies will start to reveal themselves.

 

Like I said, I'm not satisfied with last night's conversation and we'll be having another one. And I do think I will ask that he no longer talk to this guy. It's not just my problem. Yeah, I'm acting jealous (um... because I am jealous?) and I get that it bothers him, especially if he's saying there's nothing going on. But it's something that WE as a team need to work on. There are things he needs to change so that I don't feel that way anymore.

 

I don't know if he's lying. Since I've known him, he's always prided himself on not telling lies. That's one of his biggest things. So I really want to believe him, but words are easy to spit out, it's the actions that really speak truths. So if what he said was true, then my asking this will be a non-issue. (He said he'd be upset, how long depending on who I was asking him to choose against me, so I know he won't be happy with me, but that'll be temporary.)

[Hurting85]

Problem solved. He asked what I wanted, I couldn't make myself say "choose", so he figured out that's what I wanted, and I don't have to worry anymore.

 

I feel loads better, even though tonight was supposed to be fun and lighthearted and happy.

[Hurting85]

So he's off playing his game today, after spending a good chunk of time with me (mostly running errands), and we have an agreed upon time for him to be home, so we'll see how that goes.

[bulletproof]

 

This morning was great. We laid in bed, and cuddled, and tickled, and I got a real kiss goodbye. We never stay in bed in the mornings.

 

More than all of that though, I see a difference in how he is acting toward me. I had a migraine yesterday (can birth control cause migraines?) and he was doting on me the whole time after that conversation because it got a lot worse after dinner. And he's the guy who when I spent months with an awful cough was making me dinner and getting me all comfortable. There's a lot more to us than just this mess.

 

There is something unsettling about this- the tone of your post seems grateful, when in fact the things you describe here are what most people would do for their partners without even thinking about it. You should not have to be so thankful for lying in bed together and a real kiss goodbye, or thankful that he doted on you when you weren't feeling well.

 

I think there is a very large imbalance in this relationship and it doesn't seem very healthy.

[Hurting85]

I am grateful, but I think it's more because he's taking into consideration how I feel. I feel like us talking accomplished something.

 

Like today, he was playing some game online with other people, and I made a comment about how he spends so much time playing it. Before our conversation he would have probably shrugged it off, but he turned around and logged off and gave me 100% of his attention, even though I didn't ask him to. So he's listening to me and taking what I say to heart.

 

And regardless of how the relationship was going (like if it was rocky or going great) I'd be appreciative of any of those things. That's something you do because you want to, not because you have to. It makes me feel special.

[bulletproof]

I think you are right, that it is important to be grateful for one another. However, I think you are misunderstanding what I meant. I think that you are grateful for behaviors that are standard in most relationships. In other words, what you take as signs of improvement or commitment are actually just what he should be doing as a matter of course. This is how people should treat each other if they are in a loving situation.

[BigMamaJen]

If you knew this when you both got marry, that wasn't a good idea to get married. But it was truly unfair of him to tell you this after you got married. I would actually sit down with both of them and tell them how you feel. Also ask them how serious their relationship was before you and you're hubby hooked-up.

 

1) If it was truly a 1 time experimental thing & they were just friends after that, then you probably don't need to worry.

 

2)But if it was a serious relationship, and they hide that from you. Then you gotta ask how serious was it, and why they hide that from you. You're the wife, it's very important, it's just one of those the wife needs to know things!

 

If they are just friends then don't worry!

 

Good Luck!

[Hurting85]

I knew before we got married, but I had never met the friend, so it was easy to push to the back of my mind, and I didn't see them talking much.

 

I have talked to both of them, separately though. I know the friend is mortified that I know, even though hubby made sure he was alright with my knowing.

 

1) It happened on more than one occasion. About 5 times between them being in 8th grade (01-02 school year) and the end of 07, so I guess maybe once a year? But it wasn't every time they hung out or spent time together. For example- when I first moved in with him (roomies first) Hubby had been up in Jersey for his birthday, with this friend and another guy (who has made several advances toward my hubby and been refused each time, so I don't worry about him.) They were sharing a hotel together, and there was nothing going on. I wasn't in his life yet, no one was really, and nothing happened just the same.

 

2) From what I have been told, it was purely experimental/physical. Neither of them felt any emotional attachment, and the friend didn't even really feel a physical attraction. He felt he was 100% straight after the first time, wasn't interested in guys sexually, etc. But then that leads me to "Why did you do it again? And again?"

 

I think a lot of the friend's attitudes in the friendship stem from his family. They're very attached to one another and very close, and I don't think he knows any different. To hear him talk, my hubby hung the moon and the stars. Which I believe, but it's weird coming from someone else.

 

I don't know. I've just pushed thinking about it to the back of my mind. My sex life has gotten better since our talk, we're closer to each other, he's making more of an effort to get in quality time with me, and he's not talking to the friend anymore, even though I never actually asked for that.

 

The only thing I'm nervous about- the friend's graduation is coming up early June. I know there was mention of him getting us (yep, US) tickets, and hubby's response was "I'll check with work." Not "Let me ask off" "Let me see what I can do" "We'll for sure be there, I'll make sure it works out", just a very uncommitted "I'll check", which to me means it's not super high on his list of things to do.