Big Problem

[Sanesoul]

You HAVE to actually mean it. Really think about what is a deal-breaker for you.

 

What if he refuses to give up this friend? What if he really does want to have sex with him? How many days will you spend crying because you don't think your husband is completely devoted to you?

 

There are a lot of things that you need to think about before you throw the D-card out there.

[Sanesoul]

I may be different than some, but I know personally, that I wouldn't be able to look past him saying that he would have sex with this man if you let him.

 

THAT would be a deal-breaker for me.

[Hurting85]

You HAVE to actually mean it. Really think about what is a deal-breaker for you.

 

What if he refuses to give up this friend? What if he really does want to have sex with him? How many days will you spend crying because you don't think your husband is completely devoted to you?

 

There are a lot of things that you need to think about before you throw the D-card out there.

 

That's what I'm trying to figure out. It's not as easy to do as it is to write.

 

I may be different than some, but I know personally, that I wouldn't be able to look past him saying that he would have sex with this man if you let him.

 

THAT would be a deal-breaker for me.

 

It would, but when he said he wouldn't after I said I wasn't comfortable with it, I believed him. Still do. I think...

 

No, you know, I DO still believe him, but I don't know if he's holding back for the right reasons. He's military so I could get him kicked out on account of his sexuality and I could get him thrown in the brig for adultery. So is it a he doesn't want to hurt me thing, or a he doesn't want me to hurt him type thing.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

That's what I'm trying to figure out. It's not as easy to do as it is to write.

 

 

 

It would, but when he said he wouldn't after I said I wasn't comfortable with it, I believed him. Still do. I think...

 

No, you know, I DO still believe him, but I don't know if he's holding back for the right reasons. He's military so I could get him kicked out on account of his sexuality and I could get him thrown in the brig for adultery. So is it a he doesn't want to hurt me thing, or a he doesn't want me to hurt him type thing.

 

There we have it...this guy is gay and married you to cover it up. What you have is a marriage for appearances. If he truly loved you and was committed to this marriage he would have said an outright "no" to sex with this guy, not simply "if she doesn't want me to do it I won't do it". Your marriage is a sham for appearances. This is all about him.

[Hurting85]

There we have it...this guy is gay and married you to cover it up. What you have is a marriage for appearances. If he truly loved you and was committed to this marriage he would have said an outright "no" to sex with this guy, not simply "if she doesn't want me to do it I won't do it". Your marriage is a sham for appearances. This is all about him.

 

I would think that, but he never planned on being married, ever. He changed his mind because of me, because he loved me and wanted to be with me. I never doubted that.

[Hermes]

Makes you sound as if you are some kind of servant!

And you are only two months married! Hurting. No wonder you are hurting. I will not ask why you married this man.

He has absolutely no respect for you.

 

F: Well how long before she gets a job?

H: I don't know. I don't really care. As long as she doesn't spend all my money we should do fine.

 

 

There's good stuff too:

 

H: The house was trashed when I left this morning and when I got home it was practically spotless.

 

H: Well I transferred almost all of our wedding money to my credit card.. W wasn't too happy about that.

 

(No, but I never complained! I knew we needed to pay it off.)

 

And this is SO demeaning:

 

H: I hate road trips now

F: Lol Why?

H: Because I'm stuck listening the the same person for hours at a time and you can't just get up and walk outside to get away cause her or my parents will think that something is wrong and might ask stupid questions.

F: LOL. Well I think that you would enjoy roadtrips better with me because I on't stay anywhere long. Lol. Plus I do lots of fun stuff and avoid family. Lol

H: But I'm not on a roadtrip with you. I'm on one with my lovely ing wife that I'm rapidly getting annoyed with. Not to mention, W probably won't ever be happy if I go on a road trip with you cause she'll think we're having sex behind her back.

H: Ugh. She's ing about her feeling self conscious because her parents are trying to look out for her. I just want to tell her, "Well maybe if you learned to really take care of yourself they wouldn't hound you."

F: And has she mentioned anything else about us doing stuff together since you originally told her?

H: yep she gets nervous about me even talking to you

 

I doubt if talking to him will make any difference.

 

H

[sophie274]

The big problem I see in this conversation is the way he is talking about you. I think talking about your wife in that way is incredibly disrespectful. There's venting every once in a while - but the things he say make you sound like the enemy. I ha e never spoken about a boyfriend that way.

 

In your shoes, I have to say I would be worried about this turning into an affair. Taking the bisexuality out of the equation, if any boyfriend of mine were:

- in close contact with his best female friend

- whom he had had sex with in the past

- about whom he said that he'd have sex with her if I gave the OK, who is texting him non-stop

- who was talking about them buying a house together ( delusional much? a husband and his bf buying a house together without the wife being involved)

- to whom he was regularly complaining about me in a less than loving way (making me sound like an ANNOYANCE)

I'd be having red alert bells ringing in my head. This sounds like a situation with GREAT potential to turn into an affair, and I would want to protect my marriage.

 

How is your marriage otherwise?

 

To be honest the comment that he'd have sex with him if you gave him permission really bothers me.

[Hurting85]

Makes you sound as if you are some kind of servant!

 

I opted to stay at home. We had an agreement. Basically that's me holding my end of the deal up.

 

And you are only two months married! Hurting. No wonder you are hurting. I will not ask why you married this man.

 

I came up with the name during a previous relationship. And we got married because things weren't always like this. It used to be great, there was no doubt, there was a lot of love and doting.

 

He has absolutely no respect for you.

 

I'm very tempted to agree.

 

And this is SO demeaning:

 

 

 

I doubt if talking to him will make any difference.

 

H

 

I don't know if it will either, but I have to try.

[sophie274]

So you've known each other for 10 months, and been married for two?

 

You posted before about him spending all his time on a video game, and very little with you (a half hour a day?). Can you tell us more about the marriage? Also, if you don't mind, are you two having sex?

[Hurting85]

Our only issue revolves around this friendship. Everything is for the most part great. Except his gaming, but that's a difference of opinion- I'm not interested and despite him trying to include me, I refuse.

[Hurting85]

So you've known each other for 10 months, and been married for two?

 

You posted before about him spending all his time on a video game, and very little with you (a half hour a day?). Can you tell us more about the marriage? Also, if you don't mind, are you two having sex?

 

We have sex. Not very often. He's not a very physical person. It's great when we do though.

 

I only push for half an hour, and actually I do have an update with that- we rearranged the apartment at his request so that he could be in the room with me while I watch a movie and he works on his campaign. So that was helpful.

[Hurting85]

And yes, married two months, together since late September.

[sophie274]

Well I'm not married so I have limited expertise, and hopefully some more married people will weigh in.

 

But this situation does not right to me. Leaving aside the question about his sexuality, he seems very disinterested in you (a half an hour of time a day is peanuts in my opinion, little physical affection), and to me his words and actions indicate that he views you as an annoyance in his daily life (saying he doesn't care if you get a job, the way he talks about your shared finances, you talking to him about your family).

 

You say things are great, but it sounds like he is unhappy with your finances - at least complaining to his friend about finances and the job situation - even if he does not bring it up with you.

 

This would not be a good situation for any marriage, but by my count you've been together for not only 8 months, and this his attitude?!

[Siriana]

What I see is that he doesn't really care about you.

And also I see that he doesn't really treat his friend right either. He is acting rude towards him too.

His friend sounds nice, polite and fond of your H. I also think he might be in love with him or something, but your H is not really that much interested in him and just uses him.

Are you sure your H is not just a user and a smooth operator?

I seriously think he doesn't like you all that much and I wonder why he married?

What was his reasons for marrying you - he married you really quickly?

I don't think you should really bother talking to him about it one more time.

[OptomisticGirl]

I see it as venting. What do we all do on here? We vent and make our partners and exes out to be monsters. lol He's venting to his friend. No harm, no foul.

 

While I agree with Catdancer, I agree only to a point. Yes, it is healthy to vent about your SO to friends, family, and internet strangers, but it is an entirely different matter when it is an ex. Not sure about anyone else but I would not be comfortable with my boyfriend venting in that way about me to one of his ex girlfriends. Sorry. Just would not work with me.

 

On top of that I don't care if you are venting about the person you love, saying 'my loving *edit* wife" is NOT okay. He should have respect for you. No way would my boyfriend ever say something like that about me.

 

Honestly if you are this frazzled than give him his choice. Just be prepared for him not choosing you. A relationship can only function when there is trust and as much as you love him, it doesn't sound like there is trust there.

[stormie]

Well my opinion on the text messages is this: F still has a crush on your hubby, but your hubby not on him. That's my short version.

 

Why else would F bother to text him? He's playing that innocent friendship, but what he really wants is obvious. (i.e. - i've never heard of someone say, "Oh lets buy or rent a place so that the two of us can get together") - tha'ts too flirtatious to be said to a married person.

[DN]

There are several issues here that have got all tangled up and you need to disentangle them.

 

First - is he gay? No, I don't think he is. I think he is bi-sexual and that is not the same thing at all. I know a number of people don't agree that there is such a thing as bi but there is too much evidence that it is a alternate sexuality to gay or straight to deny it.

 

But that doesn't mean that once a bi person has married they have a licence to cheat in order to 'indulge' the other part of their sexuality. It seems that both he and is friend/ex realise that judging by the conversation. If your sex life with him is OK then let the sexuality issue go and assume he is both bi and faithful.

 

Then there is the issue of whether it is appropriate for him to maintain a friendship with an ex. This is something you are going to have to talk with him about. You have the advantage of knowing how both he and is friend/ex intend to proceed which seems to be - friendship but no sex. That means the emphasis is more on them being friends rather than ex's and there is a difference.

 

The third issue is what he said to him about you. That is venting to a friend and if you have done the same thing that you can't really blame him for doing it. It isn't pleasant to read but then eavesdroppers/snoopers don't very often hear good things about themselves. Except in this case there were some good things. And some of the negative things might be things you want to pay attention to anyway.

 

So, from my perspective, the crucial issue here is whether you can accept the fact that your husband should remain in contact with this guy and what the nature of their relationship is now and is likely to be in the future. That comes down to boundaries and trust and only you and your husband can navigate those issues.

[Hurting85]

I don't think F has a crush on hubby- he identifies as straight. He's tried it and doesn't care for it so much. He asked H after H admitted he was bi if H was emotionally attracted. The answer was always no. And I believe that. And I'm feeling more inclined to believe that F isn't emotionally attracted him, either. Maybe I don't understand how long friendships have. I've always moved around and have never really kept in contact with people.

 

But I do think the F doesn't understand boundaries and has a warped sense of "normal" but I'm not seeing it as threatening, just clueless.

 

Our issue are definitely between us, and I'm the only one who has an issue with this friendship. I do feel I've been lied to a bit about it, and I'm going to seek answers.

 

I'm still not comfortable with the two of them doing weekend things like they used to, but I do feel better about the friendship.

[Hurting85]

And I think I'm getting more comfortable with that idea. I'm on the phone with the friend. I feel like we should have a relationship also, perhaps not super, super close like them. But if he's going to be a constant in my husband's life, it wouldn't hurt to know him myself rather than just through my husband.

[Sunny1607307996]

I think that at this point you need to go into counseling...at 2 months into the marriage you should still be in the honeymoon stage!

 

If there really isn't anything going on, then you need to work on not being paranoid and learning to trust him.

 

If there is something going on, then you need to talk it through with someone, establish boundaries with this ex, and work on regaining trust in your marriage.

 

Regardless if they are just friends or something deeper....I'm getting the impression there are more underlying problems with your marriage. For example you feel inadequate sexually because you've offered to do anal but he refused...even though he liked anal with the ex. And you think you're having fun on the road trip but it maybe he didn't have fun at all. That's a huge blow to one's self-esteem and to one's marriage.

 

I can't help but wonder if he's concerned about "public appearances" and thinks he should have a wife when really he's gay or bi (and wants to be with this friend but can't).

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This kind of contradicts your first post in this thread where there seemed to be an implication that your husband and this guy had a thing together. This guy is acting more like a lover than a friend in the way he is pursuing your husband. If your husband rarely has sex with you and he said he would have sex with this guy if you allowed it, there is something much deeper going on in this relationship. Yes, there are indeed truly bisexual people out there, but this guy seems to be acting more like someone who is gay and got married quickly for appearances. It sounds to me like he is very good at putting on a show depending on who he is with but he is emotionally distant from both you and this other guy.

[Hermes]

Have to agree a lot with what CAD says.

 

H

[Ac143]

You guys are married for only 2 months & already having all these problems? A husband should NEVER talk down about his wife to anyone, he is not as commited to this relationship as you might think. If I ever saw my husband writing text messages like this to any friend/family member about me we would be having a very serious talk.

 

Seems like he is playing a double life here, telling you & this other guy what you guys want to hear.

 

Why did you marry him in the first place if you had such an issue with this other guy?

[Hurting85]

The issue has grown. Our wedding was the first time I got to meet him in person. We'd talked on the phone a couple times, and it was kind of weird, but I could deal with a faceless person. And lately, or rather a week or so back, this friend needed someone to talk to about life, really, and he and Hubby were talking a bit.

 

Anyhow, we talked. I told him that earlier I wanted to ask him to choose, but I couldn't do that. He told me if it came to between me and ANY one else in the world, he'd always choose me. He might be upset with me for a while depending on who it is, but he'd choose me. And I DO believe that, because I could have always turned around and said prove it.

 

He said he loves me more than anything in the world, and that I should know because the way he shows love is by giving things (which is true) and he's given me everything he has. I told him that was probably the sweetest thing I've ever heard, and he laughed and hugged me. It definitely lifted the mood.

 

I feel loads better. I know he won't trust me for a while, and he was pretty peeved. Well, really pissed. But it's seems like he'll forgive me easily enough. Which makes me feel better as well.

 

It basically came down to three questions: Should we throw in the towel? Should we work it out? and Do you think we can work it out? The last was a yes, and we agreed we didn't want to lose each other. He teared up when I told him that.

 

It's going to be a team effort to make me feel better. I told him I needed to feel wanted, needed, and like he loves me more than anything in the world. So we'll see how that goes.

 

It'll definitely be a process, and I haven't completely closed the door on the conversation, so I'll address some other points soon. Not tonight, but soon.

[FreedomRing]

Honestly, I think this guy may be full-fledged gay and he married you to keep up a front. This is not the sign of someone who loves men and women equally. You may be in love with him but he is not in love with you..I am not even sure he loves this guy. I think he is trying to get the best of both worlds while stringing both you and this guy along.

 

with CAD on this one. I can't believe you two are MARRIED. whoa.