she's starting to get really pushy.

[waveseer]

She means well but it rubs you the wrong way. The way to stop pushiness is to either ignore it or push back, your choice.

[KG]

I appreciate everyone's advice. I guess it's just too much, too often. And yes, she does offer good advice, but it comes too often and covers everything from yardwork, my son, my lifestyle, etc. She doesn'tmean any harm, but it grates on me sometimes.

 

Example. Last weekend, looking for a new set of summer sheets. I picked out a set for $18.00, and she said itt would be a better bargain to get the set of four at a discount....$40.00. She knows I'm tight on $ (saving $300 for my son's Boy Scout camp), and I know the four are a bargain, but I have one nice set, and don't need a total of five. This escallated into an argument, that I was wasting $ by not getting the set of 4, while I'm trying to save.

 

IDK, I guess we'll have to talk this out.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think people are missing point in that this is not just about recommendations regarding his son, this is an overall bossiness where she is telling a 53 year old man to put on a hat or wear gloves etc when he goes outside. If it is not about the son it is about something else. Her nature is bossy/mothering on all counts and that kind of behaviour tends to get insulting to the other person who is made to feel like they are a little child who can't do anything right and needs permission to do things.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I appreciate everyone's advice. I guess it's just too much, too often. And yes, she does offer good advice, but it comes too often and covers everything from yardwork, my son, my lifestyle, etc. She doesn'tmean any harm, but it grates on me sometimes.

 

Example. Last weekend, looking for a new set of summer sheets. I picked out a set for $18.00, and she said itt would be a better bargain to get the set of four at a discount....$40.00. She knows I'm tight on $ (saving $300 for my son's Boy Scout camp), and I know the four are a bargain, but I have one nice set, and don't need a total of five. This escallated into an argument, that I was wasting $ by not getting the set of 4, while I'm trying to save.

 

IDK, I guess we'll have to talk this out.

 

One set for $18.00 vs 4 for $40.00. Was the quality the same? I am guessing that the quality of the sheets was slightly less for the 4-set which is why they were selling them at such a discount. Also, sometimes people end up spending more than they need to just because it is a bargain. I know people like that who will buy things they don't need just because it is a bargain. If you don't need the 3 extra sets of sheets then why buy them. You would simply be spending more to buy extra that you don't need. Sometimes a bargain isn't really a bargain if you don't really need it.

[KG]

I think people are missing point in that this is not just about recommendations regarding his son, this is an overall bossiness where she is telling a 53 year old man to put on a hat or wear gloves etc when he goes outside. If it is not about the son it is about something else. Her nature is bossy/mothering on all counts and that kind of behaviour tends to get insulting to the other person who is made to feel like they are a little child who can't do anything right and needs permission to do things.

 

She does it without thinking, not insulting, but not thinking that I may know how to care for myself. I guess it stems from raising 2 kids sans husband for 17 years.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She does it without thinking, not insulting, but not thinking that I may know how to care for myself. I guess it stems from raising 2 kids sans husband for 17 years.

 

Lots of people raise children even alone and know that you don't treat adults the same way. I have met bossy/mothering people who never even had children. These people tend to be bossy/mothering not only to partners but also friends, family and even co-workers.

[anggrace]

This is really unfortunate. As a woman, I've noticed that our natural desire to take care of someone can come accross as a "control" issue. I can easily see how it can come accross as that, especially to a man who prides himself in his independance. But this is a little much. Hurting the relationship or getting on you about every little thing is not a very "nurturing" thing to do. It's quite the opposite. I would say in this case it's more about control. But whatever the cause of her comments, what really concerns me is that you've brought this to her attention many times and she doesn't make an effort to change that behavior. Maybe that's what your next talk should be about. More specifcally, her lack of attention to how she's making you feel.

[KG]

Anngrace,

Perhaps it is a subconsious control issue. She's never mean, or demanding....just points out the obvious so much. She's had to be the single parent for so long, and I'm the first man in her life since the ex., so perhaps she doesn't know she is still doing it. Add to that the fact that I've been doing this on my own for 3 1/2 years, we butt heads.

[KG]

KG, sorry if this was already established and simply I missed it, but are you 2 living together?

 

No, just dating.

[anggrace]

I guess parenting in itself is a type of control. I can see how someone could easily get carried away with that kind of talking and thinking and not even realize it. Understanding her intentions and why she does this might help you to not take it personally, but it doesn't change the fact that it's still very bothersome and she's not doing anything about it. I know to a certain degree we can control how much we let someones habit get under our skin, but you really shouldn't have to work so regularly to not be bothered by someone's remarks. Have your talks about this usually been in passing/in the moment? Or have you had a sit down "serious" talk?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Anngrace,

Perhaps it is a subconsious control issue. She's never mean, or demanding....just points out the obvious so much. She's had to be the single parent for so long, and I'm the first man in her life since the ex., so perhaps she doesn't know she is still doing it. Add to that the fact that I've been doing this on my own for 3 1/2 years, we butt heads.

 

This escallated into an argument, that I was wasting $ by not getting the set of 4, while I'm trying to save.

 

But when you disagreed and wanted to do it your way it ended up in an argument. It is one thing to point something out to be helpful, but when she basically demands that you do it her way and gets uppity when you disagree although it is really none of her concern anyway, that is most definitely control issues and it is not subconscious.

[KG]

She's coming up for dinner tomorrow, we'll be alone for a few hours. I told her this morning that I wanted to have some alone time. So I 'll have a nice talk with her, see if we can reason this out. We've worked out other issues (my wife, her ex, etc.), so I'm confident we can get through this with no hard feelings.

Thanks all, CAD, hers, all of you.

KG

[H20]

Yep...this is the part when you begin to see someones bad habits or less than attractive qualities. We all have them.If this is as bad as it gets, consider yourself lucky.

Just remember..if she's doing this BEFORE you live together, it probably won't get much better after you do.

[KG]

Yep...this is the part when you begin to see someones bad habits or less than attractive qualities. We all have them.If this is as bad as it gets, consider yourself lucky.

Just remember..if she's doing this BEFORE you live together, it probably won't get much better after you do.

 

No plans to live together in the immediate future. we're taking it slow, for just these kind of reasons.

[lavenderdove]

You perhaps could compromise... she can express the helpful comment (as in, have you thought about getting for for $40 as that would be a cheaper per item cost?), BUT she needs to let it go after she says the comment.

 

You don't want to stifle her ability to express herself, but she has to learn to just express herself, then let it go and not try to control you or argue about it.

 

And you can approach the discussion using 'this makes me feel x' rather than 'you do y and it is wrong.' So you could tell her that when she tells you to do all these things, it makes you feel like a child rather than a partner, and that you want to be her partner not a child. And that if she wants to express an opinion that's fine, but she needs to immediately let it go if you don't like that opinion or respond the way she wants you to.

 

So stick to the 'i want a lover not a mother' line of reasoning with her, everytime she starts down the wrong path. She may start to catch herself and stop it after a while, but if not, you will eventually have to decide whether this part of her personality is something you can live with or not. Some men like being mothered, and some don't.