Would you wait forever?

[newwave]

I do want a relationship, I just want someone I am attracted to.

[shes2smart]

I do want a relationship, I just want someone I am attracted to.

 

Nothing wrong with that.

 

However you put so many other conditions on it, that I honestly believe someone who met all your stated criteria could fall out of the sky and you'd still find something wrong with him....mostly centering around the fact that he's the guy you want to be with.

 

I would also suggest to you that you really don't give yourself any chance to find someone other than Mr. (allegedly) Wonderful attractive by telling yourself things like this:

It'll either be a guy with kids (a big no no), an obsessed guy who only thinks of me (and falls fast), a con artist, or a guy looking for sex. I am 39 and my choices aren't as great, so yeah I don't think I'll meet someone better.

 

If I was a guy who met your criteria and got the idea that you had ^ that attitude, I'd steer clear of you as having too much mental baggage to be capable of creating a healthy relationship at this point in your life. I'd also be mighty offended that you'd see me as one of the best of the "not-great" choices that were left to you at your "advanced age." Frankly, you would scare the crap out of me with that attitude.

 

Attitudes are a funny thing, really. We are generally very, very blind to the humongous chip on our own shoulder, but other people can see it quite clearly. I had a huge chip on my shoulder after I broke up with my alcoholic bf....but any reasonably mentally healthy man could see it a mile away and the ones capable of creating a healthy relationship went the opposite direction. They (quite understandably) did not want to be the one to straighten my (crap) out....nor should they have...it wasn't their job, it was mine. I look back at my journal at some of the things I wrote when I was in the post-alcoholic-bitter-man-hatin' phase and it was no wonder decent men were avoiding me like the plague back then. I was hateful and angry and hurtful and full of self-pity and just horrible. At the time, though, I couldn't see that and I thought "they" were the problem.

 

With a few changes, some of the things you write could sound very familiar ---- "The alcoholic would be perfect for me if he'd stop drinking and drugging" "Oh, there are no good men out there...none as good as the alcoholic" and on and on and on.

 

Turns out the problem was me, my attitude and the things I was thinking. Once I got my head out of ass and straightened myself out, things got a lot better.

[newwave]

Just stating it like it is. Is the one I want the perfect guy? Of course not, no such thing (there's no perfect person in any regards). However, there aren't as many decent guys at my age and that's why I was so sure he was the one. Now, I face the task of trying to find someone acceptable who fits my strict requirement of no kids. It's harder finding someone now than it was.

[Lady Rashomon]

Nope. If I knew what I wanted and the person I was interested in didn't want the same thing...it's time to move on.

 

None of this pining and longing and telling myself he's "my soulmate"/"The One." First, I think those concepts are horribly flawed and they tend to do more harm than good and keep people stuck. Second, someone who is a good candidate to be a partner is going to have the same relationship goals I have at the same time I have them.

 

The "right" person at the wrong time is not really the right person. Having a shared vision of where you are going is part of being the "right" person.

 

100% agreed.

[Blue Spiral]

I think he would make a good husband because he wouldn't cheat or be abusive, nor does he have kids.

 

I wouldn't cheat or be abusive, and I don't have kids...but please believe me when I say that I'd be an absolutely horrible husband.

 

This is the worst of both worlds, newwave: you've greatly limited your possibilities, and yet you're also seemingly willing to settle for less (as long as it fits). You deserve better, as do we all.

[newwave]

I wouldn't cheat or be abusive, and I don't have kids...but please believe me when I say that I'd be an absolutely horrible husband.

 

This is the worst of both worlds, newwave: you've greatly limited your possibilities, and yet you're also seemingly willing to settle for less (as long as it fits). You deserve better, as do we all.

 

I haven't limited my choices, except when it comes to men with children. They aren't what I want. Yes, I'd settle for less to have a never married, no kid guy even if it meant giving up other preferences such as type.

[BriarRose]

no, i would not wait, because someone who was supposed to be my soulmate would feel the same way.

 

This rght here^^^^^

[dragon lady]

I also agree with shessofly. I wouldn't waste my life chasing after someone who didn't want to be with me. There would be someone out there who I liked just as much (or more) who would want the same things.

[LAYAAN]

If you knew someone was your soulmate but right now they didn't want a relationship, would you wait forever? I probably would, even though it meant never marrying or having kids. Of course if they were the one, would one wait forever? Just something I was thinking about because I really want the one guy I truly feel is the one. Of course if he never comes back he's not the one.

You feel he is your soulmate, he doesn't feel that way. Move on.

If a guy made it clear to me/if I felt that he is not serious about the relationship, I'm gone within minutes. I'm a goal-oriented person. I don't care to let people waste my time. I don't care to get used up and feel empty and bitter in the process.

"The one" is very hyped up. This person may have some traits that you are looking for. That's good, but that doesn't mean that you can be happy only with that person and no one else. If you lose this person, you will still be happy with someone else who has same qualities. There are more people you can be a good match with, than you might imagine. I don't buy into this soulmate idea.

Look for the qualities you want in a man and definitely look for sincerity, consistency and a sense of progress in the relationship (in terms of phases of dating, BF/GF, engagement, talk about marriage, etc.).

Understand what your goal is. What is it that you want? Do you want to be in a long-term relationship? get married? have kids? have status of a wife? then you need to look for a person who wants that and wants that with you. If you don't care for all this, just want to be the person who you find suitable for you, then that's good too.

[Curious_Girl]

If you knew someone was your soulmate but right now they didn't want a relationship, would you wait forever? I probably would, even though it meant never marrying or having kids. Of course if they were the one, would one wait forever? Just something I was thinking about because I really want the one guy I truly feel is the one. Of course if he never comes back he's not the one.

 

If you have to wait "forever," he's not your soulmate. I know you've talked about God, so I want to say something from a faith perspective. I believe that God has in mind someone who is right for me. However, we both have free will and can choose to go forward or not. If not, He will find someone else for me.

 

But here's the thing: the timing may not be what I want. God's time is not our time. He is not only thinking of you; He is thinking of everyone involved. Even if you are ready (and you may not be, even if you think you are), maybe the guy isn't.

 

Or maybe he's someone you actually wouldn't expect at all. If you really trust God, you have to be open to listening to Him, whatever he says. I have learned this the hard way! But when I listen - and follow - I never regret it.

[MD Geist]

I am a realist and do not think I'll meet someone better. It'll either be a guy with kids (a big no no), an obsessed guy who only thinks of me (and falls fast), a con artist, or a guy looking for sex. I am 39 and my choices aren't as great, so yeah I don't think I'll meet someone better.

 

Wow it sounds like you are in the same situation as me. I keep coming accross women with kids(A huge no for me) women in relationships but are looking to date outside of them(that a redflag for me) and those women who have emotional problems.

 

I also come accross women who are just looking for a guy to come pay their bills in trade for a relationship/sex.

 

I feel like my chances aren't great even at my age its like girls in my age group already have kids, or are married then the ones who are avaliable are single moms or emotional wrecks. I'm looking for a relationship, not a second job

[IntotheWild]

I feel like I've been waiting forever already. It's been a long time since I've been on a date. But the way I figure it, once we die, it won't really matter whether we married or not. So if I do happen to pass through my whole life single and never find anyone to be with, at least I know it'll all come to an end eventually.

[newwave]

Wow it sounds like you are in the same situation as me. I keep coming accross women with kids(A huge no for me) women in relationships but are looking to date outside of them(that a redflag for me) and those women who have emotional problems.

 

I also come accross women who are just looking for a guy to come pay their bills in trade for a relationship/sex.

 

I feel like my chances aren't great even at my age its like girls in my age group already have kids, or are married then the ones who are avaliable are single moms or emotional wrecks. I'm looking for a relationship, not a second job

 

It's even worse as we get older. While I think we all have emotional problems, some have them worse than others. I don't really come accross that one often (except last time). The one with kids though is common. If I would "settle" and date a guy with kids, my choices would be huge. However, that's a huge no for me because it's nothing but trouble. Luckily, there are still single people of all ages around (I've even found single people in their 50's!) they are just harder to find.

[LAYAAN]

Wow it sounds like you are in the same situation as me. I keep coming accross women with kids(A huge no for me) women in relationships but are looking to date outside of them (that a redflag for me) and those women who have emotional problems.

I also come accross women who are just looking for a guy to come pay their bills in trade for a relationship/sex.

I feel like my chances aren't great even at my age its like girls in my age group already have kids, or are married then the ones who are avaliable are single moms or emotional wrecks. I'm looking for a relationship, not a second job

What age group are you dating?

Where are you meeting such women?

I go to a university and there are less than 1% if even that women with kids.

Next time onwards, don't waste time. Ask about your deal breakers right away. Don't waste time on what you definitely are not willing to compromise with.

Trust me, there is an oceanful of women that you haven't even met. Like I said the girls who go with me to a university.

[MD Geist]

What age group are you dating?

Where are you meeting such women?

I go to a university and there are less than 1% if even that women with kids.

Next time onwards, don't waste time. Ask about your deal breakers right away. Don't waste time on what you definitely are not willing to compromise with.

Trust me, there is an oceanful of women that you haven't even met. Like I said the girls who go with me to a university.

 

Even the ones who are in college are typically those who have somebody overseas in iraq or just got divorced and have kids.

 

I meet women through church, partys and such. I don't go to the club but its hard to find anyone single out here who has qualitly or no kids.

 

Like the age group I have been in is 20-30 although I'm hoping to date someone as old if not a little older than me. I have even been looking into dating women in their 30's but thats proven to be extremely difficult for me especially since I have no dating experience.

 

 

It's even worse as we get older. While I think we all have emotional problems, some have them worse than others. I don't really come accross that one often (except last time). The one with kids though is common. If I would "settle" and date a guy with kids, my choices would be huge. However, that's a huge no for me because it's nothing but trouble. Luckily, there are still single people of all ages around (I've even found single people in their 50's!) they are just harder to find.

 

Its not any different in my age group these days like you have to make some signifgant compromise, either be a parent for someone elses child or be a mistress in someones relationship. Or deal with the emtional burden.

[newwave]

Its not any different in my age group these days like you have to make some signifgant compromise, either be a parent for someone elses child or be a mistress in someones relationship. Or deal with the emtional burden.

 

Emotional burden? I think when we get older we have more issues, it's just takes someone special to deal with it. I know in my next relationship I won't be as open as I was now. The kids thing only single people without kids get. Those with kids don't get why we don't want to date them and that we must hate kids. Not true, I love kids, I don't want the baggage. Someone on another site actually suggested I try dating guys a few years younger and that might work too. Not to say I'd date a 20 year old, but maybe a 35 year old.

[MD Geist]

Things are much different at a younger age, most women with kids under the age of 30 do not have their head together and most of the time seek the wrong things in a relationship. I cannot feel comfortable dating a girl who is 23 like me with a child because more than likely it wasn't planned, she isn't going to have her finances together and what if the father is out of the picture? All of that is going to land on me, as ive stated before, I'm not looking for a second job.

 

Over the age of 35however id feel a little more opened to dating a woman who has a child, by then I should be better off financially and so should she, the woman should have a reasonable excuse to have children, a Long term relationship such as a marriage turned divorce would be more exceptable than a girl who just had a child out of know where. Also most women in their 31's typically do have a more mature mindset than younger girls do. There would be a much better understanding from both the person with kids and the dater, the kids should be grown up enough to figure out whats going on. If I do end up dating a girl with kids she better be one hell of a woman, I will set the bar so high that you would have to reach beyond the stars, I don't think a woman with kids won't bother. I also do not have the desire to come into someone's live and take over where another person left off. I feel that I desivere so much better with me working so hard for my future that I should get qualitly in return. Not comprmise.

 

I never really got that chance to be a kid growing up, I do connect easier with older women, I wouldn't mind dating a girl who is 25, 30 heck ill even be opened to dating a girl who is 35+ I see these younger girls dating men in their 40's while they are in their 20's I don't see why it can't be the other way around. Its just getting them to date me is very difficult to do, proving to them that you want more than just sex is going to be extremely hard for me especially with zero dating experience. Although I would think they wouldn't mind taking the lead in that case especially if their hearts have been broken before in the past, Most older girls want experienced men anyways. They want a guy who already knows what he's doing and how to please her, she doesn't want to "Teach" because as time goes on she is going to expect experience when you come along.

 

The one is a very hyped up concept. For all the let down's we have we expect that person to able to walk on water, charm us and pick us up when we are knocked down and be there for the rest our lives and it just doesn't work that way. That person is only human and they can only do what they can do just like we can only do the best we can. I don't buy into this soulmate thing like I used to. It doesn't happen to everyone, I guess we miss out on things in life, at least I can say I have all my parts of life together, I just don't have a love life, never have and probably never will, but at least everything else with my life is taking care off.

[LAYAAN]

Well, I understand that guys in the US have no issues with dating older women.

I'm about to complete 32 and I have considered dating men in their late 30s and early 40s. I can tell you that the older the person, the quicker you have to grow up to match with their desires and needs. e.g. When I talked to men age 36 and above, all of them made it clear to me that they wanted to get married ASAP and wanted to have kids ASAP. I can't say that they are wrong, but I'm not in that phase of life yet. I'm completing education, want to finish this hard degree program that I've started. While I'm open to being married to someone before finishing the degree (which I really don't prefer, but I'll compromise) I definitely don't want a baby for a few years into marriage. I want to relax after completing a hard program, I want to enjoy my marriage for a while, I want to travel, I want to build a healthy relationship with my husband and then I'll think about kids. Your marriage will never return to that carefree stage once you have kids. Once you have 'em, there is no coming back. Most of these men didn't like my answer and decided to move on.

If you are 23 and considering dating a 30 some yr old. You have to really understand what phase of life most 30 yr old women are. Unless you meet women focused on something else like education, career, etc., most women in their 30s have their marriage and biological clocks ticking. Are you really ready to get married? Are you really ready to start a family? Think about it. Seriously. I think going a couple of years above would be good, but I doubt that a girl in her mid 20s would still not ask you Qs about marriage.

[MD Geist]

I wouldn't mind getting married at my age. I want to someday hopefully sooner than later but I don't see it happening. However like you've stated tinu I want that grace period where I can enjoy life a little bit, I want to get this license, get a job and start my life long goal of owning mulitbule businesses and achive success at an early age. Id like that 5 or 10 year period of just me and her and enjoying my life, building that wonderful relationship while the results of my hard work before I start working on the future.

 

But when the talk of kids comes into the picture I do get a little worried, so worried I find it very difficult to even have one sexual encounter with them. I do not want kids now where its going to tie me down, in the future I do not mind because someone is going to have to take over my wealth and manage my business, I certainly don't want to just build it up and die and all my work dies with it.

 

Most girls in my age group are to busy out partying and stuff like that and are so imature by the time they typically reach that age they sort of missed the bus.](*,) I really like those types of girls who are focused on something great in life, I'm not intimadated by the possiblitly of them achiving more than me. My only problem is trying to get them date me, its really difficult, especially with no dating experience at all, most women like that are gonna want a guy to know what he's doing, I strongly doubt a focused more mature woman is going to have the patience of teaching a younger inexperienced guy how to date, treat and please her, even kiss her. She is going to expect a guy to come along and already know all of that.

 

I'm not saying its impossible but correct me if I'm wrong its just highly unlikely.

[JusticeLaw9]

If you knew someone was your soulmate but right now they didn't want a relationship, would you wait forever? I probably would, even though it meant never marrying or having kids. Of course if they were the one, would one wait forever? Just something I was thinking about because I really want the one guy I truly feel is the one. Of course if he never comes back he's not the one.

 

Forever is a long time; are you sure you'd want to wager your potential happiness on just one soul?? I use the term "potential" with caution because if you haven't dated this guy before you don't know how things could end up say if you two were to ever hookup. Sometimes what you see on the outside of a relationship with a person isn't exactly the same as when you get close to them.

[Jd1983]

No, I would not wait around for someone that may be my soulmate, because I might miss out on someone who truly is my soulmate.

 

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

[Sorrento]

Strange. This is exactly the same idea I've been toying with a lot recently. I'm not saying I would wait forever. But I am certainly open to the idea that I may very well have already met the person I will end up with, it's just neither of us are in the right place at the moment.

 

I have a lot of issues I need to work on, and he is in a relationship. A lot of our "talks" centre around the right person, wrong time idea. This could just be ridiculous fantasy talk. But I definitely believe this person is supposed to be in my life.

 

The real question is, do you want to wait forever and shut off from everyone else? Or do you want to be open to the possibilty with this man in the future, but aware that someone else could very well come along and be your soulmate, and to therefore not close yourself off? I think the latter is the way I will approach it, simply because I AM single, I have no commitment to him, and when I am ready, if he isn't, then maybe I have been kidding myself about him all along. It's a tough call. But I'm not going to wait around for years on end hoping, letting goodness-knows how many potential guys slip away.

[newwave]

In my case, right now is a terrible time to get serious because of my financial status. If someone else comes along, then that's another story, but where I currently live I have to actively search for someone and since I'm not ready to become serious it doesn't make sense to look. Obviously if a year goes by and this is the same situation but I am now ready to date then that's completely different.

[Sorrento]

I personally don't see the harm then. I wouldn't phrase it as waiting for him, as it's not actively "waiting". It's more like having an awareness of that person and being open to possibilities in the future. I think the danger comes in if we were to start comparing every other guy to the original one. If I started to do that, I think I would have to reassess how i think of all of this.

 

At the end of the day, the right one, I believe, is somewhere out there. Maybe we already met them and will reconnect at some point, maybe they are still unknowns. Time will tell in the end I guess. Keep your heart open to all possibilities, be it him or someone new. No-one ever really knows do they.

[newwave]

I personally don't see the harm then. I wouldn't phrase it as waiting for him, as it's not actively "waiting". It's more like having an awareness of that person and being open to possibilities in the future. I think the danger comes in if we were to start comparing every other guy to the original one. If I started to do that, I think I would have to reassess how i think of all of this.

 

At the end of the day, the right one, I believe, is somewhere out there. Maybe we already met them and will reconnect at some point, maybe they are still unknowns. Time will tell in the end I guess. Keep your heart open to all possibilities, be it him or someone new. No-one ever really knows do they.

 

Right. I hope he's the one (I feel he is) but I could be wrong. If someone else comes around who fits what I am looking for, then that could make a difference. However I'm not actively looking for anyone now and where I live is mostly dads in terms of single people. Next year assuming I find a job again and move near an area full of singles that might change. He might be ready to get serious, or by then I'll see he's still not ready, which will mean I move on.