Day_Walker Posted May 3, 2010 Share Posted May 3, 2010 Well I tend to look at the situation differently. From what I understand from the OP is that she is just dating a guy with no commitment and got tired of being the loyal one. If there is no commitment then if a person chooses not to see other people then they are giving up something that they can do, since there is no commitment. I think that this guy became concerned when he realized that he would have to compete for your affection, hence why he asked if you were on dates. Him knowing that information means that he was in "chase" mode. His attraction for the OP didnt change instead he knew that she was pulling back so he began to chase the OP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BriarRose Posted May 3, 2010 Share Posted May 3, 2010 You have to play the game back. Next guy I date I intend to play games. Let him call me, let him do everything. I agree. Men say they don't like this, but they are drawn to the women who do. Just look at the stories on here - these men aren't writing about the good girls - they are wanting to know how they can get the ones who are unavailable, who aren't calling them or sometimes the ones who have cheated on them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HouseKitten Posted May 3, 2010 Share Posted May 3, 2010 Men say they don't like this, but they are drawn to the women who do. As with women trying to make men realise they don't want a bad boy or a nice guy, they just want a normal man with a little of both, I think men probably want a girl with a good balance as well. Not so clingy that you can't breathe, not so distant that you have no idea if she even likes you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Go Habs Go Posted May 3, 2010 Share Posted May 3, 2010 I agree. Men say they don't like this, but they are drawn to the women who do. Just look at the stories on here - these men aren't writing about the good girls - they are wanting to know how they can get the ones who are unavailable, who aren't calling them or sometimes the ones who have cheated on them. Some men, yes. Playing games is childish and won't work, certainly not with me. I've been interested in some girls but the second they played games, I immediately moved on. Life is too short for games and I'm not wasting time on someone that ignores calls, is emotionally unavailable, or whatever reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BriarRose Posted May 3, 2010 Share Posted May 3, 2010 As with women trying to make men realise they don't want a bad boy or a nice guy, they just want a normal man with a little of both, I think men probably want a girl with a good balance as well. Not so clingy that you can't breathe, not so distant that you have no idea if she even likes you. I'll agree with that. They don't want a good girl, but they don't want an ice princess, either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted May 3, 2010 Share Posted May 3, 2010 I would do anything for him That isn't being "nice" OP. It is being needy. CatD is right. H. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BuddingLotus Posted May 3, 2010 Share Posted May 3, 2010 This is all very interesting. Thank you for your explanation, Batya. It's hard to navigate the cat and mouse issue in relationships when it seems so unclear... Some people seem to believe strongly that this dynamic and "game" is normal while others do not. Yet it is absolutely true that many people on here are yearning for someone that no longer wants them or who has hurt them. So it does seem human nature to want what you can't easily have - or is this just my experience in dating so far? So any advice/examples on what exactly a woman would do to cross the line from loving, giving and supportive to clingy and needy? By the way Batya, Joy Luck Club is a great movie. My mother had me watch that when I was younger and always said "I see you". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarity Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 You can be loyal and have a life of your own at the same time. The best woman makes her man feel secure while looking out for her own happiness as well. That's the kind of woman every man is looking for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BuddingLotus Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 You can be loyal and have a life of your own at the same time. The best woman makes her man feel secure while looking out for her own happiness as well. That's the kind of woman every man is looking for. Well said! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bulletproof Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 Your post doesn't make you sound loyal and nice. It makes you sound clingy and desperate for his affection. Men and women both want to be with someone who is not so needy that it's suffocating. It works both ways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 This is all very interesting. Thank you for your explanation, Batya. It's hard to navigate the cat and mouse issue in relationships when it seems so unclear... Some people seem to believe strongly that this dynamic and "game" is normal while others do not. Yet it is absolutely true that many people on here are yearning for someone that no longer wants them or who has hurt them. So it does seem human nature to want what you can't easily have - or is this just my experience in dating so far? So any advice/examples on what exactly a woman would do to cross the line from loving, giving and supportive to clingy and needy? By the way Batya, Joy Luck Club is a great movie. My mother had me watch that when I was younger and always said "I see you". I am not advocating playing games, just a relationship that involves two reasonably confident people who are willing to give and to take and are willing to give and to take in the ways that work for the other person to the extent possible, including giving space. I can't really give examples other than extreme examples - but if a person cares about the other person (rather than being needy/self-absorbed) then he/she will take the time to get to know the other person's boundaries, needs, style, etc. Some men for example would love to be called every hour while for others, once every other day is more than enough. Being reasonably confident and more other-centered than self-centered, as well as truly caring about the other person helps you learn and accept the other person's boundaries (or figure out that you're incompatible as far as what you need from each other). That's so great about the joy luck club! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kurt5 Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 You have to play the game back. Next guy I date I intend to play games. Let him call me, let him do everything. How many men do you really think will tolerate that behavior? It is a huge turnoff when a woman plays games like that and seemingly exerts no effort whatsoever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Go Habs Go Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 How many men do you really think will tolerate that behavior? It is a huge turnoff when a woman plays games like that and seemingly exerts no effort whatsoever. I could see that working on old-fashioned men, and I'm pretty sure they're decreasing very quickly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 I would think so too, Clarity. You can be loyal and have a life of your own at the same time. The best woman makes her man feel secure while looking out for her own happiness as well. That's the kind of woman every man is looking for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 Being UN-clingy and NOT needy is not the same as being emotionally unavailable. Needy and clingy are pathological; healthy boudaries make for healthy relationships. H. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BriarRose Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 I would like more specifics on why people deem loyalty and affection as clingy and needy. For example, if someone misses their partner or prefers to be with them on the weekend instead of bar hopping with their gf's they have no life? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BriarRose Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 Being UN-clingy and NOT needy is not the same as being emotionally unavailable. Needy and clingy are pathological; healthy boudaries make for healthy relationships. H. I agree, but I don't think a lot of men see it that way. They meet an emotionally unavailable woman and think "here is a woman who isn't clingy". She poses a great challenge to the man and his interest and desire is peaked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 Loyalty and affection are not synonymous with "clingy and needy". Who said they were! LOL If someone is emotionally unavailable that is a whole different problem. Having healthy boundaries does not mean one is "emotionally unavailable". Quite the contrary in fact. There is nothing wrong in wanting to spend time with one's partner, in doi things together; the secret isnot to live in each other's pockets, as the saying goes. Maybe this explains it bette than I can. The key to healthy work and personal relationships is setting and maintaining a strong sense of personal boundaries. If your boundaries are collapsed or inflexible, your relationships will suffer. link removed Some people have naturally healthy boundaries, while others have to work on it (this may be due to FOO issues, not having been shown what healthy is etc. H Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 BTW. Having healthy boundaries has nothing to do with "game playing". H Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 I would like more specifics on why people deem loyalty and affection as clingy and needy. For example, if someone misses their partner or prefers to be with them on the weekend instead of bar hopping with their gf's they have no life? I don't think that's a good example. That's assuming that the woman's girlfriends are just partying friends so that the choice is between a fun, but superficial evening with a group of people (who won't change their plans just because one person drops out) and more in depth, one on one time with a boyfriend. I think the better example is that a woman who cancels plans at the last minute with a close girlfriend who she rarely gets to see, in favor of seeing her boyfriend who called her at the last minute after she texted/called him several times to come over and hang out is being disloyal to her friend despite being affectionate with her boyfriend. The boyfriend, if he is a reasonably confident and good person might feel flattered but also will feel concerned that his girlfriend would so nonchalantly cancel plans at the last minute with a close friend just to hang out with him when he treated her like an afterthought. Being needy and clingy is self-centered - being loyal and affectionate is other-centered - it depends on the reason (or most of the reason) for the behavior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 That's it! Bat. Being needy and clingy is self-centered - being loyal and affectionate is other-centered Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted May 6, 2010 Share Posted May 6, 2010 I will tell you OP why.... Men go through fire to be with a needy, clingy, desperate woman if she is beautiful. Women go through fire to be with a man who has money. This is the universal truth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BriarRose Posted May 6, 2010 Share Posted May 6, 2010 I will tell you OP why.... Men go through fire to be with a needy, clingy, desperate woman if she is beautiful. Women go through fire to be with a man who has money. This is the universal truth. Hmm. I can't really agree - I wouldn't go for a man with money unless he had other qualities that I desired - I would never marry just for money. Believe it or not, lol! I don't think I'm alone in that.... As for the men, I don't think most men want any clingy woman - even the beautiful ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 6, 2010 Share Posted May 6, 2010 I will tell you OP why.... Men go through fire to be with a needy, clingy, desperate woman if she is beautiful. Women go through fire to be with a man who has money. This is the universal truth. Oh please. Could not be more untrue and that's based on real life examples. Maybe it's your truth - the second part - and if so, good luck with that ;-). (and it certainly didn't work that way for me and never would have, not a chance). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dako Posted May 6, 2010 Share Posted May 6, 2010 I will tell you OP why.... Men go through fire to be with a needy, clingy, desperate woman if she is beautiful. I'd prefer to die in the fire. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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