rach213 Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 Hi guys, really need some good advice feeling pretty angry at the minute. Here's the story: - Been seeing my bf for 3 months and we met on a night out when he was out with some of his friends. I was instantly attracted to him and we hit it off right away. Things have been going ok but as ive mentioned in previous posts hes part of a large gang of people who weekend away doing biking, climbing, etc... hes always away doing something. The other point to mention is after 3 months since meeting his friends on that night out ive not met them since. - So this morning i was looking on facebook (im not friends with him on there) and came accross one of his friends who had pictures on there of different nights out/ weekends away and his ex was in lots of the pictures and it would seem is part of the weekends away. She's obviously part of the gang in a big way. I then come accross a skiing hol pic taken a week before I met him and yes he's there with the so called ex again and there sat together at meals. - Now what makes matters worse is that last weekend he went to visit friends who had just had a baby... again i had no invite. When he comes back i asked if he had any pics of the baby so he shows me one which is his ex holding the baby!! Of course he knows i dont know her so thinks im not going to click on but oh my god he went with her when he said he was going alone! Can this all be an innocent explanation and what do i do now? I can't say i've been going through his friends facebook pictures otherwise he will think im a right freak. So confused right now but i need to confront him to see what the hell is going on! I've no evidence there actually together but going on a weekend away with her when hes with me kind of doesnt sit well with me! Any advice would be welcomed! thnks x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 Are you two supposed to be exclusive? Maybe to him he sees this as a casual dating arrangement where he continues to prioritize his "gang" over getting to know you in a serious way. I personally wouldn't date someone for three months who was regularly seeing his friends on "date nights" instead of me and never inviting me to join, unless we were casually dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rach213 Posted April 25, 2010 Author Share Posted April 25, 2010 Are you two supposed to be exclusive? Maybe to him he sees this as a casual dating arrangement where he continues to prioritize his "gang" over getting to know you in a serious way. I personally wouldn't date someone for three months who was regularly seeing his friends on "date nights" instead of me and never inviting me to join, unless we were casually dating. Yes we are exclusive, well supposidly anyway. Im more concerned about his ex at the moment though and if there is anything going on! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asthesparrow Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 wth? This is sort of bizarre. Did you say, "Who is she?" perhaps? Why don't you have him on facebook? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rach213 Posted April 25, 2010 Author Share Posted April 25, 2010 wth? This is sort of bizarre. Did you say, "Who is she?" perhaps? Why don't you have him on facebook? When he showed me the picture, no becasue at the time i didnt know who she was and now ive sussed it out!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 Yes we are exclusive, well supposidly anyway. Im more concerned about his ex at the moment though and if there is anything going on! But that's why I asked if you two are exclusive. My opinion is that without trust there can be no relationship. Why not tell him that you feel uncomfortable with him spending this amount of time with his ex on weekends since weekends are typical "date" times and if you are trying to build something here then you'd like to be more of a part of his life than you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 Honey, i'm sorry to say, but if he's always unavailable on weekends, is in pictures with his supposed ex in those pictures, most likely she is still his girlfriend and he lied about being broken up with her, and you're the girl on the side and just don't know it! Many married/taken men use this ploy... they meet a girl and get her on the hook, then you never see their friends and the guy disappears on weekends etc. with all kinds of excuses, but most likely he is with his girlfriend on weekends and seeing you during the week for excitement and sexual variety. Guys like this usually keep it up until they get caught, then they disappear. And if you try to call their girlfriend/wife, they'll claim you're some crazy stalker who's lying and obsessed with them. After all, they've spent every weekend with their girlfriend/wife and friends, and you were nowhere to be found, so the girlfriend/wife believes them! What you need to do to suss this out is to insist you start going out on these weekend activities and staying over at his house on weekends. If he refuses, then you have your answer, that his ex is really his girlfriend, and he's been lying to both of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rach213 Posted April 25, 2010 Author Share Posted April 25, 2010 But that's why I asked if you two are exclusive. My opinion is that without trust there can be no relationship. Why not tell him that you feel uncomfortable with him spending this amount of time with his ex on weekends since weekends are typical "date" times and if you are trying to build something here then you'd like to be more of a part of his life than you are. Im going to have to say something to him but at the moment he does not know i know his ex goes and hes never told me. I always just get told a big gang of them go and he mentions a few of the guys names who i know Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danix0x0x0 Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 Well first of all he shouldn't be lying to you if he is. Are you sure this is not an old picture that he showed you? The only thing you can do is confront him but please be careful don't accuse him of cheating...make sure you have all your evidence before you do that. If it turns out he is not cheating and he is still talking to/seeing his ex you have to tread carefully... they might have decided to keep in touch and stay friends and you telling him what to do and who he can't see is not your place. Saying that, he should have told you straight up that he does still speaks to his ex. Its also not looking good that you obviously don't trust him, look they broke up for a reason so you have to trust in people but if you cant get past this just talk it out with him but don't say to him that he cant be her friend or "its either me or her" yeah he will choose you but then he might resent you for that in the future. Ill be honest with you im still friends with my ex but he's girlfriend is totally fine with it but if she does decide it is a problem ill will respect what they have and back off...anyway i probably wont see much of him as it is because im seeing someone now and he too knows i still talk to my ex. When it does become deceitful that's when you need to talk to him but don't throw accusations at him; jealousy is a turn off for men My ex who i still talk to did this to me when we were also a few months into our relationship, he was secretly talking to his ex texting and msn and it wasn't friendly if you get what i mean!! so huni i've been where you are but the thing is i had the evidence right there in black and white and believe me it was so heartbreaking...3 years on we stayed together but he eventually cheated on me with my friend! I should've left at the first sign of lying but i didn't. If you go in all guns blazing and he turns out he is completely innocent it won't go down well with him and you could lose a really good, honest guy but do talk to him (communication is key in a healthy relationship) and don't bottle it up and keep it to yourself because it will drive you crazy. Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 Im going to have to say something to him but at the moment he does not know i know his ex goes and hes never told me. I always just get told a big gang of them go and he mentions a few of the guys names who i know Then I would approach it as "we've been dating exclusively for three months now. If we want to see if we have long term potential, I think it's important for us to be spending some more time together on weekends and also getting to know each other's friends and family". Well, I would probably distance myself without the conversation because from his actions I would see that he wasn't that serious about me, I would start making plans during the week so that either he'd have to put in the effort to see me on weekends or not see me at all (without being manipulative - I'd simply get busy, with friends or alone, and tell him that unfortunately I couldn't see him until the weekend). But if you prefer to have a talk with him that's fine too. I wouldn't assume he is cheating - but at this point he is acting inconsistently with being in a committed relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rach213 Posted April 25, 2010 Author Share Posted April 25, 2010 Thnks for your reply. Im sure it wasnt an old picture it was from last weekend but as he knows i dont know what his ex girlfriend looks like he didnt think there would be any danger showing me. I mean who goes to see friends with your ex... surely that cant just be a friend thing? or can it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 Thnks for your reply. Im sure it wasnt an old picture it was from last weekend but as he knows i dont know what his ex girlfriend looks like he didnt think there would be any danger showing me. I mean who goes to see friends with your ex... surely that cant just be a friend thing? or can it? Of course it can but it's less likely since he didn't tell you about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 This is easy enough for you to figure out... here's what you do. First, you send him a friend request on FB. You're in theory his girlfriend, so of course you should be his friend on FB. If he refuses, then you know his 'ex' is probably his girlfriend and he's covering that up. Next, if he does let you into FB, ask him which one is his ex (because you're curious). If he pretends he is not friends with his ex, then you've caught him in a big lie. If he refuses to acknowledge which is his ex, then you know he's hiding something. If he says he's still friends with her, then you should ask to meet her, and he should have no problem with that. If he does, then he's hiding something. People who are honest are OPEN with their girlfriends, and have nothing to hide. They will also spend weekend time with you, and have you hang out with them and their friends. He obviously has no trouble hanging out with friend and his ex (witness the pictures), but if he tries to exclude you from weekends or his friends, then that is proof positive that he is lying to you, and probably dating both you and his girlfriend, with her being the 'official' girlfriend he spends weekends with and presents to his friends as his girlfriend. Please don't be shy about asking for things like weekend time or testing his limits a bit to see if he is lying to you. His behavior is quite suspicious (no weekend time, traveling wtih his ex, spending weekends with his ex), so you have a perfect right to try to protect yourself. You don't have to accuse him of anything, just starting asking questions that will lead you to the answers you need to know. Start by sending him a friends request in FB. Then take the rest from there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danix0x0x0 Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 well then he is lying and "forgetting" to mention his ex is there as part of the gang. talk to him some more say u know what she looks like and your no fool. its not fair on you at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rach213 Posted April 25, 2010 Author Share Posted April 25, 2010 well then he is lying and "forgetting" to mention his ex is there as part of the gang. talk to him some more say u know what she looks like and your no fool. its not fair on you at all. At this point in time I can't even think about talking im too angry and I know ill go guns blazing at him!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 Does this guy take you out in public on dates and stuff, or do you just see him privately? A boyfriend who isn't available on weekends isn't exactly a boyfriend--that's something else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rach213 Posted April 25, 2010 Author Share Posted April 25, 2010 Does this guy take you out in public on dates and stuff, or do you just see him privately? A boyfriend who isn't available on weekends isn't exactly a boyfriend--that's something else. Yes we go out on dates in public. He lives 2 streets away from me and ive been to his for dinner. Were going away for the weekend in 2 weeks time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 ^^ If that's the case, then i'm thinking he's just dating the both of you at once... sometimes see you, sometimes her... If he says he's exclusive with you, then i'd send him a friend request on FB and see what he does... If he's not willing to put pictures of you on FB and have that open for you to see what he does, then i'd just assume he is dating others at the same time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danix0x0x0 Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 At this point in time I can't even think about talking im too angry and I know ill go guns blazing at him!! The only thing i can suggest to you for now is just take a break from him in the sense that you should tell him something is bothering you but you need to think about it and then you will get back to him about it once you have calmed down. Yes he will probably ask what's going on but tell him just leave it for now that you have a lot on your plate and just need a few days to think. I am only suggesting this because there is no point me saying to just try not think about it because you will...constantly! I know you must be incredibly frustrated and just plain mad but do it in a mature way and you will get the results you want. Be firm but calm with him and he will see how mature you are but you are not gonna be taken for a ride. Also you really don't want the stress of having a major argument with him that will get you nowhere and it might even make him run to her for advise and that is not what you need to add to what you are already dealing with. I'm telling the amount of arguments i've had with my ex and i always picked the wrong time when i was still fuming and it really doesn't get you anywhere. I hope this will help x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 ^^ If that's the case, then i'm thinking he's just dating the both of you at once... sometimes see you, sometimes her... If he says he's exclusive with you, then i'd send him a friend request on FB and see what he does... If he's not willing to put pictures of you on FB and have that open for you to see what he does, then i'd just assume he is dating others at the same time. This sounds too indirect for people who are supposed to be in a serious, exclusive relationship. And he will find out why she did it and that will erode trust as in "why didn't you just tell me what you were thinking/feeling". And there could be other reasons he wants to keep his FB separate from her (not good reasons but other reasons which she won't know if she is not up front with him). She wants him to be open with her - so she needs to be open with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orchidrose Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 ^^ If that's the case, then i'm thinking he's just dating the both of you at once... sometimes see you, sometimes her... If he says he's exclusive with you, then i'd send him a friend request on FB and see what he does... If he's not willing to put pictures of you on FB and have that open for you to see what he does, then i'd just assume he is dating others at the same time. What about the possibility that he's still very enmeshed with his ex, but they aren't actually "dating" or even sleeping together? It could be that he just still spends a lot of time with her and she's part of his circle of friends. That may still be a dealbreaker for the OP, but I guess I fail to see how he's automatically dating both of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juxtapoz Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 This sounds way too fishy. Normally I'm against using facebook for any means other than keeping in touch, but if it gives you the answers you're looking for, I guess take the other poster's advice and send him a friend request. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caligrlatheart Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 I read the original post and skimmed some of the other replies, and I agree with whoever said that if you're comfortable enough to be intimate with each other you should definitely be comfortable enough to be honest with each other, or something along those lines. If he's your boyfriend there should be NOTHING you can't talk to him about. I used to tiptoe around situations because I was worried about what he would think of me or if it would upset him enough to break up with me, but no more! lol. I let EVERYTHING out now and have realized that if he really cares about you, he'll be understanding. and if he's not, why be with someone like that anyway you know? and plus from my experience it seems guys rarely ever hold back themselves, if they're pissed off they let you know it and make no apologies for it. I'm trying to follow their example, haha. oh, also about the whole Facebook thing. first of all, I have to say - I freaking HATE facebook for creating awkward situations like these, lol. I used to have a strict no-Facebook policy for guys I was dating and I thought letting "internet drama" affect your relationship was so petty and immature...but honestly it DOES matter, because it's only a reflection of what's happening in real life. if there's nothing to hide nothing will come out on Facebook. I broke up with my last boyfriend when he changed his status to single (without even telling me beforehand) claiming he was trying to play this elaborate joke on his ex-girlfriend (back in freaking Morocco) trying to trick her into waiting for him to punish her for something or other. yea CLEARLY he was twisted and shady as all hell (if that story was even true), and without Facebook it might have been a lot longer before I realized it. so don't be scared to voice your concerns about this. it is weird and wrong and disrespectful to you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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