relationship is moving too slow!

[rach213]

Im in a new relationship.... its only been 10 weeks. Right from the start he's always had a very busy social life consisting of sports (fairly extreme ones so me joining in wont happen!) and he views his friends highly so sees them a lot.

 

His busy social life has meant we really have had to juggle things around and i have to admit ive not seen him as much as id like to. He realises this and has said a few times over the next few weeksthings will be better as he has less things on.

 

The other thing is hes not a massive communicator which has existed since the start, e.g. we wont talk everyday on the phone but will send a few txts... generally its all at a slow pace.

 

dont get me wrong im not sat here mulling on things I have my own life and often have commitments in the week. Basically, I feel at the moment as if everything is going too slow, id like a bit more from him. But how do i gt this accross, is it too soon to be saying something at 10 weeks... its harldy a longtime or do i just chill out and take it as it comes?

 

x

[Speranza]

This is a really tough one... it sounds as though your gut is telling you something here.

 

Does HE see this as your 'being in a relationship' or are you just hanging out? My personal feeling is that there is a crucial period a bit like a plane taking off, where if things aren't going at a certain speed, the whole thing will stall, and it seems as though you feel that's what is happening.

 

TBH I can't see a sporty person easing up on their sporting commitments. If he hasn't NOW then it probably isn't going to happen.

 

How did this relationship begin, how soon did you call yourself a couple, are you sleeping together every time you meet up, and do you think you have different sex drives..?

 

Sport gives some people almost everything they also get from sex. Perhaps he simply doesn't need to be in a relationship in the same way as you do. But i'm not so sure he even sees it as one. If he does, then he is putting up a bit of a weak show in terms of commitment - he's being honest but the result is NOT that you are getting any more of your needs met - so I am making a big assumption that he is getting what HE wants - otherwise you'd be seeing more of him...

[rach213]

Thanks for replying speranza.

 

We called ourselves a couple after about 6 weeks. I met him out on a night out in our local city and he lives a few streets away from me.

 

In terms of our sex drive id say we are well matched and also a very good connection. We dont have sex everytime we meet as sometimes he calls into my house for a cuppa maybe only for 30 mins but generally if we spend an evening together we will have sex.

 

He cooked for me last week and put a lot of effort it which i was impressed with but i guess all i want is a bit more in terms that he likes me and wants a realtionship as i feel at the moment imnot getting that.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is one thing for a relationship to start off slowly and build...but given the fact that he is into a lot of sports and has tons of friends, it sounds to me like he might want a relationship as a sideline thing rather than as the main thing. The thing with his promises of less things going on is that I am not so sure that is going to be the case. There will always be sporting events and friends...he needs to make a decision about his priorities and not give some airy fairy answer that "over the next few weeks things will get better". You may have called yourselves a couple but it sounds to me like you are not sure if that means you are officially in a relationship. I think you need to talk to him about this and find out what a relationship means to him as far as time spent together.

[shes2smart]

What if this is all he has time for right now?

 

What if this is all he will have time for in the foreseeable future?

 

There are only a finite amount of hours in a day, and how we choose to spend our time says something about our priorities. We can say things are important to us or say there are things we want to do, but where the rubber meets the road, it is what we actually choose to spend our limited time on that speaks volumes.

 

Some people are really too busy and have too much going on to put in the time required to create, develop & grow a relationship....but that doesn't stop them from trying to cram someone into the scraps of time they have. People can also have very different ideas about how much time is necessary/appropriate to spend on creating, developing & maintaining a relationship.

 

Some things to think about: Are his other activities really likely to change over the course of the year or is his schedule always going to be jam-packed full? (i.e. one sport's season ends, but sport #2's season begins at the same time sport #1's season ends and he's always been involved in both....or he really loves his job and is very focused on building a time-consuming career....or he has always had a boatload of friends and insists on keeping constant contact with them all) What do you think is an appropriate amount of time to spend on a relationship? What does he think an appropriate amount of time to spend? Do those two ideas clash or are they compatible? (BTW, there's no right or wrong answer to that one...there's your idea, and his idea, and both are equally valid though they may not be compatible)

 

If his schedule is always this full...and if he sees no compelling reason to change that, you need to decide if what he's offering is enough for you. If your ideas about the time creating, developing & maintaining a relationship are vastly different from one another, you need to be honest with yourself about whether that's going to be realistically workable.

[rach213]

Thanks for responding guys. What you have all said is exactly what is going through my mind. As its still a fairly new relationship i think ill give it a few more weeks see how things go especially since he said he less busy in may then i can see if it actually will materialise....

[Ms Darcy]

I think it's wise to give things more time. I would also say that, perhaps it's my age, but I am wary of "not much of a communicator." I think one thing you can do to test your coupledom communication skills is to cut down on the texts, tell him you prefer to talk, and actually talk more on the phone or in person. I tend to be more wary of someone who doesn't say much than of someone who is busy. See where his promises lead in the next month or two.

[Speranza]

I think it's wise to give things more time. I would also say that, perhaps it's my age, but I am wary of "not much of a communicator." I think one thing you can do to test your coupledom communication skills is to cut down on the texts, tell him you prefer to talk, and actually talk more on the phone or in person. I tend to be more wary of someone who doesn't say much than of someone who is busy. See where his promises lead in the next month or two.

 

Amen! I just had the double-whammy of a Busy non-Communicator...

 

Busy I can handle. Not knowing WHY someone's busy or whether they're not in touch cos they're busy or cos they can't be bothered, that's a passion-killer.

 

I seem to remember this guy just took off for the day cycling and never let you know? A few weeks ago... he was sort of on a last warning then in your mind, wasn't he. I think it's good to give it A LITTLE more time - but set a date in your mind.

[Batya33]

I dated someone like this 20 years ago - we were 23. He had a boatload of friends and loved going dancing/clubbing/partying, he was also in an intense graduate school program. At frst, he would only see me on Thursday nights one on one and not every single week. Then he slowly started inviting me out with his friends but it was rare. He was not a great communicator either - no texts, cell phones or email back then so he would call once or twice a week for a short convo. I was over the moon about him - thought he was the coolest thing going, but I was upset like you at the pace at which it was moving. Oh and he cooked for me too, one of the nights - there would be times where he seemed more attentive, like when he found out I was also dating someone else he knew casually.

 

Here's what I did. After about 3-4 months of dating we fooled around a bit more (not even close to sex, because of my beliefs and values) and we had more of a discussion about his intentions. That helped a little. What really did the trick - I casually mentioned to him I was going to a popular singles resort for a week (we were then dating 5 months) - we weren't technically exclusive. I didn't try to make him jealous in the least and in fact I didn't go there to meet anyone, and didn't try. But I was out of contact for a week (no way to call him from there even if I wanted to) and when I came back, it all changed (and again I did not try to make him jealous, just said I had a great time in general). He realized how much he missed me, that he was falling for me and all of a sudden his priorities started to shift -- I was top priority for one one one time on the weekends, the boys nights out decreased, etc etc.

 

 

But I'll tell you this - it definitely improved - he even ended up proposing to me a few years later - but he remained very "distant" and closed off so I caution you - those things can change especially in a new relationship - he might just need time to warm up - but like Shes2smart wrote it takes a dramatic shift in priorities (that I think you can help along by being less available for his "afterthought" and B-list invitations) and a real desire to be in a relationship to make this work.

 

Also if it doesn't change early enough in the relationship, or change enough, be careful about your level of resentment for how it was in the past -- you don't want him changing begrudgingly, but with enthusiasm so that you're left to wonder what he really wants.

 

And, while I think the whole sports/friends "I'm so busy" thing is understandable especially for a guy in his 20s when it comes down to it it's mostly if not all just an excuse not to be in a relationship (either in general or with you) and I would almost be insulted at his comments of "it will be better next week" as if what's keeping him from seeing you is some sort of crisis or emergency, as opposed to his specific choices of what to do with his life.

[Speranza]

And, while I think the whole sports/friends "I'm so busy" thing is understandable especially for a guy in his 20s when it comes down to it it's mostly if not all just an excuse not to be in a relationship (either in general or with you) and I would almost be insulted at his comments of "it will be better next week" as if what's keeping him from seeing you is some sort of crisis or emergency, as opposed to his specific choices of what to do with his life.

 

Brilliant. HIS CHOICES. There you have it.