Is going to a Strip Club Okay?

[melissag87]

Hi everyone,

I need some advice, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months now and he goes to a strip club about once a month with his friends. At first it didn't seem to bother me, he's even offered to bring me along. Last night he decided to go for his friend's birthday...A Wednesday night when he had work in the morning. I stayed home as usual and out of nowhere I started getting jealous and worried. I didn't know if he was going to a classy gentlemen's club where there are "no touching rules". I ended up going to bed kinda early at around 10 PM because I had work the next morning. All of a sudden at 4 am I get a text from him saying "good night, i love you" so I wrote back "i love you too" he was surprised that I was up and when I asked him "did you have a good time?" he wrote back "yeah! we had a great time, I got boobs to the face" I was absolutely horrified after reading that...I didn't even answer him back! I was speechless. After about 10 min he sent me another text saying "can't take a joke?" I didn't reply and even though i've spoken to him today I haven't asked him if he was really joking.

 

Is it wrong that I feel jealous? Is it okay that he goes to strip clubs? I would understand if it was once in a blue moon...but in the short time i've known him he's gone about 4-5 times /:

[asthesparrow]

I wouldn't personally feel jealous, after all, they're just women being paid to flaunt it, and I'm not the jealous type... but I personally wouldn't date a guy that goes to strip clubs because it clashes with my beliefs and morals. But, if you don't like it, you don't like it, and you have a right to say so.

 

(If my man said he wanted to go to a strip club, I'd say, baby stay home & i'll give it for free!) haha

[Convict7]

If I'm going to use the site for help I may as well help others too.

 

I can't tell you if it's ok or not ok that he goes to strip clubs. That's up to you. Some people will inevitably say that it's fine and lots of guys go to them, others will say that it's wrong and he should only see you in that sexual way. My thought is that the relationship is between you and him only. If you are uncomfortable with him going to strip clubs(or with how often he goes) then you should be able to voice that opinion and get support from him. If you want him to merely cut back on the frequency it shouldn't be an issue at all. Going every other month instead of once a month isn't too much to ask of someone. A strip club may be fun, but he has to decide if it's so much fun that he is willing to risk your feeling bad.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Honestly, the frequency would bother me.

 

His texts would bother me more.

[misssmithviii]

As Convict7 said: "A strip club may be fun, but he has to decide if it's so much fun that he is willing to risk your feeling bad."

 

I don't know what else to say that will help other than ultimately you need to be able to tell him how you feel and him NOT shove your feelings aside. If he treats your feelings as a joke then there's an issue. I have different morals and boundaries in my relationship and so does my man, and what's of the utmost importance is realizing where our priorities are - each other. If something is important to me, it's important to him too and if something's important to him, it's important to me.

 

Talk to him about it. It's all in how he responds to your concerns that will show his character.

[melissag87]

Thanks everyone!

My boyfriend had this reputation of being the ultimate bachelor before he met me...he's been with many many women before me but never committed to any of them. Whenever he introduces me as his g/f to someone they also seemed surprised or shocked that he's chosen to be with one person. Maybe he just doesn't want to give up his bachlor lifestyle?

I'm going to speak to him about it tonight.

[Day_Walker]

I think that you can feel whatever you want to feel about him going to strip clubs but I dont think that you can make him stop going or that you should make him stop going. I dont really see the point in telling him what him going to strip clubs makes you feel, and expecting him to stop going.

 

I think that you either have to decide what is best for you. If you can handle him going to strip clubs then stay with him but if you cannot then trying to make him stop isnt going to solve the problem.

[Kumatora]

Honestly, the frequency would bother me.

 

His texts would bother me more.

Ditto.

 

Strip clubs are not about jealousy: it's about establishing boundaries.

 

You are clearly NOT comfortable with him, yet you let him go. For someone who is in a relationship, he's going too frequently that it's starting to become obsessive (I mean... going on a work night? Is he nuts?).

 

I didn't know if he was going to a classy gentlemen's club where there are "no touching rules".

Not to scare you, but this rule is not always followed at every strip club. One of my best friends is a stripper and she has admitted to going past that rule. It doesn't matter if the guy is married, dating, whatnot; it is a transaction for her. She only does it with selective clients, especially those who are willing to give her a lot of money and are frequent customers.

 

You really need to have a sit down talk with your boyfriend. You are NOT comfortable about him going or making comments about his visit (joke or not, it's quite disrespectful to say to your own girlfriend dude). If he loves you, he will respect you by choosing not to go. If not then you got a serious problem on your hands. This is not a little thing to brush aside and turn it into a "you're jealous" competition if it's affecting your relationship with him.

[JonasWaingaro]

I think that you can feel whatever you want to feel about him going to strip clubs but I dont think that you can make him stop going or that you should make him stop going. I dont really see the point in telling him what him going to strip clubs makes you feel, and expecting him to stop going.

 

I think that you either have to decide what is best for you. If you can handle him going to strip clubs then stay with him but if you cannot then trying to make him stop isnt going to solve the problem.

 

^^^This. It's about is it okay with you. It's clearly okay with him and in the context of 'us' (you and him). That's probably not going to change. It sounds like part of his lifestyle.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I wonder how he would feel if she went somewhere that had naked men and texted him: "had a penis on my face".

 

That would NOT go well with me, but I wouldn't even begin to date a guy if I knew he had such a lifestyle.

[mca1975]

OK, I think from his texts he sounds kinda cocky esp kind of mocking you about being upset about it. I wouldn't like it if my boyfriend had gone to strip clubs that often either, maybe once in a blue moon yeh for an event.

[anggrace]

I think if you're uncomfortable with it, there is NOTHING wrong with letting him know that. Expecting him to stop is another thing. He can do what he wants. But you know that. It's his choice to decide if you are worth more than those clubs. If you have boundries lay them down, then he can coose what to do or not do about it.

 

I wouldn't of like the comment he made either. It was in bad taste. But if he's not aware how you feel about it, I don't think it's something to get upset with it him about. But like I said before, it's okay to be uncomfortable with hte strip club thing and it's a GOOD idea to let him know. If you don't, it will continue to bother you and lead to resentment.

[abitbroken]

I would say that if he never goes to strip clubs and ended up at one at his best friend's bachelor party, that's one thing. But going with the frequency he does and the statements that he was the ultimate bachelor before he met you - things don't change overnight.

 

There are two scenarios in which he goes to strip clubs. Does he do it because he likes to look at the ladies? Or does he do it because its a "wild time to have with his bachelor friends." If its the first, then its more problematic for you as a girlfriend. if its the second, then that need to go to strip clubs can possibly be filled by going bungee jumping with friends or some other wild and crazy thing. It also can be a sign that he hasn't grown up.

 

I think the biggest mistake you can make is by not expressing how you feel because it will just eat you and when you bring it up - it sounds loaded if you wait. I would consider if he were planning to go to a strip club, invite him out to something else instead. "you can also say - I know you like to go to strip clubs to spend time with your friends, but have you considered trying something new? isn't it getting old? Or show him a brochure for something. You can also ask him in a lighthearted way what he would think if you went somewhere where men jiggled their penises in your face. But don't beat around the bush much. If he can't get the hint, just tell him you are uncomfortable about it. He can see his friends any time he wants, but why not do something else?

 

If he insists on continuing to go and its not something he will compromise on, and you don't want a boyfriend who goes, then you might consider he's not the guy for you. Again, the reason why he goes (to look, or just to do something immature or risky, etc) is going to say a lot too.

[HeartGoesOn]

I would be more concerned about the comment, "I got boobs to my face" more so than him going to strip clubs. I would label that "not too classy, and immature." I don't think his bachelor days are over....

[Blue Skittles]

I guess my worry would be is that if you tell him you don't like it or give him an ultimatum - would he just start hiding it from you?

 

I think ultimately you have to let him know you are uncomfortable with it.

 

Guys are such jerks sometimes (ok, so not necessarily all of them). Its just any guy I've seen hasn't really had a lot of compassion for his girlfriend and goes out to these things anyways regardless of how she might feel.

[bluelava1]

it sounds like you're having some issues trusting him and that's the base of the problem. hypothetically i'd be ok with a guy who frequented strip clubs but had at the same time proven his commitment to me. i wouldn't be with a guy who hadn't, and it sounds like this guy hasn't proven this with you (yet- who's to know?).

as some other people have mentioned the frequency is questionable and is clearly not flying right with you. maybe it is part of his bachelor lifestyle that he's having a hard time quitting cold turkey even though he may be genuinely committed to you. maybe its a case in which he wants to have his own cake and eat it too. when you talk to him be sure to be firm with how you feel and also do your best not to put him on the defensive. i know that's easier said than done but good luck!

[greywolf]

Whether we think it's ok or not is irrelevant. What matters is that it bothers you. Strip clubs don't bother me, but the frequency at which your bf goes would bother me. Not because I'd be jealous, but because that's just not the kind of guy I want to be with.

 

Have you talked to him about it?

[Lucius]

Whether or not it's okay for your boyfriend to go to a strip club is entirely up to the two of you. As in all relationships, the "rules" you make are entirely your own. Speaking purely from the perspective of my own relationship, however: unless it were for someone's bachelor party (which, these days, tends to be a classier affair than that anyway), I personally wouldn't be going to such a place. I'd consider it somewhat...disrespectful? Insensitive? Yes, that would be the word - insensitive toward my partner's feelings. There's enough (unavoidable) situations in my life already that can (and do) contribute toward her occasional feelings of insecurity; there's no need to add more. I guess I consider regular trips to a strip club more of a single guy's pastime.

[pl3asehelp]

Someone who goes that frequently is a total insider in that whole world. He must know all the girls and they must know him. Most strippers are actually also 'escorts' too. If he isn't sleeping with or paying for favors, then at least one guy in his group of friends is. A guy with these values or even friends like this is attractive to you?

[Sonicxman]

Can you go with him? Cant beat them, join them.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Can you go with him? Cant beat them, join them.

 

or leave them.

[Sonicxman]

Funny and true.

[Kumatora]

I wonder how he would feel if she went somewhere that had naked men and texted him: "had a penis on my face".

 

You have no idea how hard that made me laugh. That would of been the strawberries on the icing and a total epic move. Great idea.

[afrodite79]

The text about boobs in his face and then the whole "can't take a joke?" comment just make me cringe. In my experience guys that say something like that to you and play it off as a joke and mock you are horrible in relationships. What kind of guy would even send a text like that to his GF???? If you aren't comfortable with his monthly strip club trips tell him how you feel and see how he reacts.

[Applewhite]

The text about boobs in his face and then the whole "can't take a joke?" comment just make me cringe. In my experience guys that say something like that to you and play it off as a joke and mock you are horrible in relationships. What kind of guy would even send a text like that to his GF???? If you aren't comfortable with his monthly strip club trips tell him how you feel and see how he reacts.

 

I agree with this. It also looks like there is more than strip clubs bothering you about this guy. And I think you should text him and say : I had penis on my face LOL

 

And I agree with the people that say if it bothers you it bothers you, there is no such thing as a universal OK on this. It is about YOUR preferences and what is acceptable to you.

 

I also agree with the people that say you should voice your opinion and your feelings but not try to control his actions. Not just because he has the only right to choose his actions, but because you won't be able to control his actions and it will lead to frustration for both of you.