Did you stick it out even when you were sure you wanted to leave?

[Lady Rashomon]

So I'm in this maddening in-between phase where I'm not sure if I should leave my husband or not. He's a wonderful man and we have a very close friendship, but I am coming to terms with doubts I've nursed for nearly the past eight years of our relationship (we've been married almost three of those years). I always feared that we had fundamental incompatibilities, but I had convinced myself early on that true love is something you fight for, something that takes effort and commitment. Well, fast-forward several years later, into the aftermath of a painful affair, and I'm beginning to realize that I'd very effectively denied those major niggling doubts regarding sexual compatibility, lifestyle, values, and the depth of our connection.

 

One of the things that is making it so difficult to just up and leave is the fact that he is madly in love with me, and I DON'T want to be the kind of person who just slams the door in his face. Also, if I truly am a commitment-phobe and this is just my way of trying to find an easy way out, I want to be able to work things out within myself. Basically, I want to be a responsible person, but the longer I am in this, the more frustrated and confused I feel. Most of my friends and family think I should just up and leave, but I feel that I am responsible for both my and my husband's happiness, and I don't want to just run away.

 

I'm curious--if you were married and on the brink of a separation, did you stick things out? And if you did, did things get better? How do you KNOW in your heart that it's time to leave?

[amtjrtcet]

I wish I had advice for you. I'm a newlywed and contemplating divorce. For reasons much like yours.... Can I ask, who had the affair?

[Sanesoul]

My husband and I have seperated twice. Both times we came back together. We married very young, and I don't think we knew ourselves as well as we do now. We are much stronger now.

 

Have you exhausted every avenue? Have you tried marriage counselling? I urge to explore every option of trying to work it out to build a lasting strength and bond before you throw in the towel.

[Lady Rashomon]

Yes, we've tried marriage counseling. Maybe it's a bit too soon to give up? We were briefly separated about seven months ago, and ever since then, it's been a slow uphill climb.

 

Also, we have been together since I was 22--I'm 30 now. We were together for six years before we got married, precisely because we wanted to feel that it was the right time and the right decision. I feel that I know myself and him pretty well, but in the past two years of our marriage, we've been diverging considerably in our expectations of each other and the relationship.

 

I guess that I believed that since we waited so long before we got married, our marriage would be smooth sailing, so dealing with the fact that it has not been is really difficult for me. I also believed that I was 100% committed to the relationship well before we got married, so I'm dealing with a lot of guilt and confusion over the fact that I'm suddenly so apprehensive.

[Sanesoul]

Marriage is hard work. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fool. You are two separate people living your lives together.

 

I can't tell you to stay in your marriage if you don't want to, but you just have to realize that it will never be completely smooth-sailing no matter who you are with.

[swlilbit84]

My husband and I have seperated twice. Both times we came back together. We married very young, and I don't think we knew ourselves as well as we do now. We are much stronger now.

 

Have you exhausted every avenue? Have you tried marriage counselling? I urge to explore every option of trying to work it out to build a lasting strength and bond before you throw in the towel.

 

Insane heart--

when you and your husband seperated, was there any type of interaction with others (sex or just exploring your other options). if so how did you recover from it.

[Sanesoul]

Insane heart--

when you and your husband seperated, was there any type of interaction with others (sex or just exploring your other options). if so how did you recover from it.

 

Yep, I cheated on my husband. We are still recovering from it. He obviously is working on trusting me, and I'm working on showing him that I will never stray again. He trusts me more and more everyday because I am an open book to him and will stay that way.

 

I love my husband and want to be with him for the rest of my life. I can say that now and believe it 100%. I will fight for it everyday if I have to. Luckily, he is so in love with me that it isn't that hard.

[Lady Rashomon]

Marriage is hard work. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fool. You are two separate people living your lives together.

 

I can't tell you to stay in your marriage if you don't want to, but you just have to realize that it will never be completely smooth-sailing no matter who you are with.

 

Let me rephrase what I meant by "smooth sailing." I never had the illusion that problems wouldn't crop up; even our relationship before we got married wasn't exactly a cakewalk, but I felt that we were constantly challenging each other to be better people, so even the bad times felt rewarding. I never imagined that problems would magically go away, but I guess I was under the impression that our basic compatibility would never be something that would be called into question, even with major life transitions.

[Sanesoul]

Let me rephrase what I meant by "smooth sailing." I never had the illusion that problems wouldn't crop out; even our relationship before we got married wasn't exactly a cakewalk, but I felt that we were constantly challenging each other to be better people. I never imagined that problems would magically go away, but I guess I was under the impression that our basic compatibility would never be something that would be called into question, even with major life transitions.

 

If you aren't compatible on major life transitions, goals, what have you...I'm not sure you should continue. There are obviously things that you can't compromise on and if your partner is not in line with that, then it won't work.

 

Luckily my husband and I agree on every major issue and our goals are compatible. The only thing that we ever disagreed on was more children, and he chose to stay with me despite not having anymore. That was his decision though, I wouldn't have faulted him for leaving me over something like that (glad he didn't though).

[Lady Rashomon]

InsaneHeart, you and I had similar situations re: the affair. I've been an open book with my husband, but sad to say, my heart isn't 100% in it. Wondering if those feelings will change. Did you KNOW for a fact that you wanted to work on things and that your husband was the one you wanted to be with for the rest of your life, or did those realizations come in time?

[Sanesoul]

InsaneHeart, you and I had similar situations re: the affair. I've been an open book with my husband, but sad to say, my heart isn't 100% in it. Wondering if those feelings will change. Did you KNOW for a fact that you wanted to work on things and that your husband was the one you wanted to be with for the rest of your life, or did those realizations come in time?

 

Actually, it was like I snapped out of the fog I was in. I was under some heavy meds and really whacked out. Not an excuse at all, but the conditions made it easier for me to do what I did. We had fallen into a rut, and things were stressful all around.

 

I wanted to be back with my husband because I knew that we could make it through, we always do. I love him very much, but had been blinded and stupid for a time.

 

I think you are bound to have doubts after you strayed, it's normal. I may be way off-base here, but I think you are second guessing the relationship because you strayed in the first place. Your relationship wasn't giving you what you needed, and that is a valid concern.

 

I think you might want to consider a therapist to help you work through your feelings so you can ultimately make the best decision for you.

[Kash27]

Wow, this really hit home I really thought I was the only one going through the exact same thing with my wife. we're both pretty young, have no kids and I so want toleave but its like her love make me stay.

 

I've look everywhere for anserws, even therapy, I think I i wanted/want someone else to reassure me of something but they can't or just won't. I think time makes it harder to walk. For me i feel like she's all I've known and lived for. I'm not sure I even really know me without her and it pains me the feeling I've been having towards her.

 

everyones always told me and I've always thought it was the grass is greener syndrome, but I often find myself wondering if its not a syndrom and just the plan truth.

 

I go back and forth, cause I know much of our problems are my fault, and I'm often not the same happy go lucky guy she needs all the time. and feel like if i just get over my feelings and start acting happy wih her then things will just be happy/fine.... I know makes no sense. So i guess I'll just try and anserw your question best I could.

 

I am currently sticking things out, and trying to find the strength to give it one more total effort shot, but its hard and its sad cause I really love her and know I will always love her but I think deep down i need to move on.

 

I wish you the best either way and feel free to message me, cause I think our situations are really the same. I just wish there was like a wizzard we could follow the yeallow brick road to for some anserws.

 

Kash

[Lady Rashomon]

Thanks for the kind words. I know hindsight is 20/20 but to be honest, I had doubts well before I strayed. I mean, I have journal entries and on-record conversations with close friends and family members that date back at least two years. (A year ago, I actually told my sister that sometimes I regretted marrying my husband.) The affair wasn't planned, but it didn't catch me totally by surprise either. Considering that my primary reason for marrying was that I wouldn't be able to find someone out there who loved me more, the red flags were up a while ago.

 

This isn't to say that we aren't simply going through a rough patch that could end up making us stronger in the end. I'm going to a therapist, but he's been pretty resistant to seeing a couples counselor for a sustained period of time. The denial is pretty difficult to deal with. We'll have a serious conversation about compatibility one night, and the next day he'll be looking into booking a vacation for us or planning out our future. The disconnect is kinda troubling.

[Kash27]

I just turned 30 too and had been with her since 20 I wonder if its an age thing?

[Sanesoul]

I agree, that is troubling. He could stand for some individual counselling himself. It's not up to you to take on the brunt of making this work though. You may have had the affair, but you are equal in this relationship, or should be. It sounds like he just wants it to all go away and go back to normal.

 

It has to be difficult, but ultimately, you just have to decide what is best for you. You can't spend your life in a marriage that you aren't happy in.

 

You don't seem to be clear on what is happening. It's as if you don't trust yourself. You NEED to trust your heart and what it is telling you. It will give you better advice than I will.

[Sanesoul]

I just turned 30 too and had been with her since 20 I wonder if its an age thing?

 

You certainly change a lot in that 10 years time. My hubby and I have gone through hell and back, but I love him a lot and it's worth it to keep at it.

[Lady Rashomon]

I just turned 30 too and had been with her since 20 I wonder if its an age thing?

 

Definitely, I wonder if that has something to do with it...turning 30 and wondering if this is "all" there is or feeling like there are other things I need to accomplish but being limited by my relationship, etc. You also change a lot in your 20s. As I approached 30, I began to question my passivity in things like relationships, jobs, etc. Perhaps the idea of being in control of my own destiny naturally called into question the viability of my marriage...

[Baily]

I'm in the same page of the same book of life...

 

...We are sticking it out...going through couceling (sp). She has changed and really wants to work on the marriage, but I don't love her. I don't know if it's going to reappear some day and I'll begin to love her or if I'm just fooling myself.

Friends and some family say to move on....some say to stick it out...

There are no 'right' answers.

 

It also seems the older we are the harder it appears to find partners....and that makes us more likely to stay.

 

This isn't fun...and there is no right answer.

 

I struggle with what I call 'jumping fences'...let me explain. I fear making a decision and wanting the other....such as deciding to stay then wanting out a few months later...or leaving then wanting back in a few months later...

 

there IS NO EASY or Right answer

 

For the first time ever we are getting sessions together and I'm getting them alone....hoping to sort this out...

 

I'm going to give it another month...

[Lady Rashomon]

That is precisely what I fear!!!! Although my nature is to make a decision and not feel regretful about it, I am afraid of making a huge mistake, which is why I am waffling.

 

Regarding the whole thing about trusting my heart, IH, you are so spot-on. I don't trust myself, and that's the problem. I'm living in a fog of confusion right now because I'm so afraid I'll * * * * up or hurt myself or hurt him. I've never broken up with anybody before (I was always the one who was left in past relationships), and it's really making me second-guess just about everything. Also, never thought I'd be the kind of person to cheat on my spouse, so the whole infidelity thing is making me over-think everything and be particularly cautious.

[Kash27]

For sure the mistake is what I fear the most too. how do you really know you'll find someone that wil love you with faults and all. Man I wish you the bst baily keep us updated

[Skeptic76]

I stuck it out for about a year after I began to realize that I was in a one-sided marriage. The ink on my divorce filing isn't even dry yet, and I've had some big-time thoughts of regret, although I know that it's over and has been for some time. The regret is just a manifestation of fear of the unknown more than it is truly lament for the relationship though.

 

My big mistake was thinking that if I was super-husband and super-dad I could make her love me again. Instead, I ended up enabling a lot of unhealthy behavior on her part. Another big mistake of mine was not urging counseling right away, rather my pride and ego told me that if I just gave 110% things would get better.

 

Hardboiled, we were married for six years (ten year relationship) and our first child was two before we finally married. You and I are about the same age, and I sympathize with your conflicting feelings regarding your level of commitment.

 

You already know what the right thing to do is, you just need to take the time to reflect and look inward to accept it and then act on it - whether it is stay or go only you can tell. Either way, it's going to be a rough road. I trust you will come out of the darkness you are in a stronger person if you are open and honest. To thine own self be true!

[Captain_76]

It's really strange, I also thought that I'm the only one in this world who's so indecisive... I wrote my long-long story on Baily's post and now I see that also Kash got the same issues... and how many others can be out there, who somehow feel deep down the incompatibility with our partners and we feel that we'd be happier alone (or at least we'd have a chance to be happier) and still we aren't able to move, because our spouses/partners love us too much and would be devastated if we'd leave.

 

I surely don't know what to do. In some weaker moments I even have very dark thoughts regarding myself. I feel that I tried and tried for years to make compromise (with an otherwise totally normal, nice, smart girlfriend with whom we never cheated each other) but my real me inside wants to live a different life, wants to experience different things. For years I tried to involve those missed elements of fun into our relationship, but either my girlfriend wasn't too interested (trips to nature, crazy and impulsive ideas to visit strange places or do weird things) or her level of humour was just so different.

 

She's got a very nice and kind attitude, but she doesn't always understand my humour... it's like I say something funny and she doesn't responds, or responds on a weak level and the "bull * * * * " doesn't roll on the way I'd enjoy. And I know quite many other girls, with whom the hours fly like minutes because we are so much on the same level. At the same time, with my girlfriend we can share every intellectual topic, we have same life phylosophy, values etc... just I feel that I'm fading like a flower, because I can't bring the best out of myself... and my life is getting wasted.

 

I know that I could live like this, if there wouldn't be other way - because it's not bad at all - but it's just not the best that can happen to me.

[Lady Rashomon]

Wow, you really nailed exactly how I feel about my own relationship. Intellectually and in terms of our values, my husband and I are so similar, but that sense of a true spark and conversational ease and just general ease of spirit--those things are missing. I often feel restrained, and I totally get the faded flower idea. In a lot of ways, I've changed over the years--become much more social, happier, involved in my community. I think he's jealous of these things and wants to keep me to himself (he also made me quit a master's program that I loved because he was resentful of me going back to school while he worked).

 

I think I could go on like this for years, though, because it is really comfortable--but I just know that I could be happier, even if it meant never being married or not being with someone else. I feel like I want to get myself back--the real me--and that's eventually what it comes down to. I can't be myself in this marriage.

[Captain_76]

Really, you managed to the essence of our issues in a very short sentence: I can't be myself in this relationship.

 

For the past 2 yrs I worked hard on myself, discovered my inner world and it was very useful on one hand and partly it was misleading me, because I heard from everywhere that the person has the key to his/her own happiness... and I felt that if my partner is generally alright, then I am able to change myself and "make myself happy".

 

But then again, I also heard something else: "we need to learn being able to love anyone and then choose someone with whom it's actually fun to live". I feel that's it's pretty true, because some years ago a lot of small issues disturbed me regarding my girlfriend which I wasn't able to accept in that time, but for today I learned to love her the way she is... but still, as it's not fun enough to be with her, now I might be eventually ready to accept her, leave her, find someone else with whom it's a real joy to be and who's also got some faults (as we all have) and enjoy & love her together with her faults with the help of this experience from my current relationship.

[Captain_76]

However, regarding the issue with being yourself in the relationship: what is missing from you now? What are the things that you can't do with your husband?

 

You said that one is the conversational ease... oh my God, how many times I feel that I'd just love to melt into a long discussion in a group of friends or random strangers but my girlfriend can't get the sync of the group and then she also takes me off the beat and somehow I can't be truly me when she's around... I can't fully give myself to the people and community around.

 

E.g. I'd love to invite my colleagues every week to our home just to have a few drinks, chat, throw around some crazy ideas or have fun, but I know that my girlfriend wouldn't enjoy it so much... she might bear it once in a while, but she can't also assimilate with this group very well.

 

At the same time, it happened not once that the people who fascinate her (usually some highly intelligent types who talk about important stuff or use only sophisticated jokes are boring hell for me... and similar with her parents. I always get a laugh with my mother or father on the phone, but I can't really have this good hearty laughter with her or her family members... and sometime it's really strange feeling for me, when we sit on Sunday at home, having a rather average conversation and then my mother calls and I have a 10 minutes funny chat and when I put down the phone, I feel that I sink back into some grey and impulse-poor environment...