What have you learned (about yourself) from your relationships?

[hexaemeron]

I have learned that I am not "good" at them in the way that I do not have complimentary emotional damages to the people I've loved. My emotional damages are different and create problems.

[Pressfit]

I have learned that when I talk dirty to a woman it is always sexual harassment.

But when a woman talks dirty to me it is always $4.00 a minute. That's it!

[SingleStar]

to be honest i have not got a clue!!! 10 years of dating and still not got a clue!

[Rangafro]

Who I've been in relationships:

-I anticipate the worst and conduct my relationships with one foot already out of the door

-I idealise others while being overly critical of myself

-I have a weak sense of self and can easily fall out of touch with my needs and wants

-My coping mechanism often is to withdraw from people but when the issues are related to the state of a relationship withdrawing creates its own problems and I get stuck in a self-defeating trap

-Although I deeply crave closeness with someone I fear the vulnerability

 

Who I am in relationships now: I have been abstaining from romantic relationships until I get this sorted out, but with the nature of my issues I am starting to think that is the wrong approach.

 

Who I would like to be in relationships: I would like to have more faith in myself. Normally I am sufficiently confident and self-assured but romantic interests tend to throw me for a loop.

[KG]

Who I am in relationships...

 

The romantic.

The pillar.

And sometimes the broken rock.

A man with honor, tho I did screw up a few times early.

Independent, but the S/O compliments (as opposed to "completes" ) me.

Honest.

[Catdancer]

I have learned that the only person I can control in life is me. My partner is in control of his life, even if I think he's wrong.

[doiiiieeezie]

Who I Am

 

- Nurturer/Provider

- I'm better at being indifferent than completely vulnerable, I am more rational and reasonable when I know exactly where the clouds are

- Sticks by the bad and embraces the good

- I too anticipate the worst (which I am working on) due to past experiences in life, it's more of control than waiting for the ball to fall easily. A lot of my relationships have been sabotaged due to this.

- More independent than clingy, and I tend to enjoy my alone time.

 

I have realized that I do need to stand up for myself more and be in tune with my feelings before proceeding with any kind of communication in a relationship(whether it be in a friendship or romantic). What I have learned is that love takes time and energy and you can't rush things just for your own benefit. You can never force someone to be another person, neither can you push them to express feelings that they may not have.

 

I too have put a hiatus on the relationship need until I get my own house in order, and I am perfectly content with that.

[quirky]

Waveseer, I love your threads!

 

ahem..I have learnt so freakin much I don't know where to begin..

 

Who I was in the past in relationships: Typical creative, broken, dramatic, loving girl..but the one in control of the relationship. I used to choose guys a bit "below" me so I felt safe that they wouldn't leave. My superhero complex gave me my "fixer" tendencies so I ended up being very inspirational to all my partners because I am very free, optimistic and a fighter...but in the end I always felt they had gained more from the relationship. Also my desire for fun and intimacy prevented me from taking things seriously enough with myself and my feelings (avoiding full 100% commitment). I just wanted a cuddle and to feel accepted and everything else was secondary. It's weird..it's not complete lack of self esteem it's more like feeling different and knowing that an ordinary person could never understand me. All my relationships so far have been a bit co-dependent with drama written all over them. As rennaisancewoman said, I as well find it very hard to let go of a situation, I bond very deeply.

 

Who I am now: For the first time in my life I spent time by myself, about 18 months. I couldn't have reached the above statements any other way. Now I'm trying to choose a partner rather than him choosing me. I'm trying to let go of associations and patterns rooted in my head.

 

Who I'd like to be: I'd like to reach a point where I can commit fully without being afraid that the guy will leave me. Not because I will not handle it but because it might taint my view on love. And without believing in love and beauty I feel dead inside. I don't need to have it, just to believe in it.

[renaissancewoman101]

Ren, when reading the parts in bold, do you think this is perhaps due to not wanting to be alone, (don't know if this is the case), or just general insecurity? Do you think it's possible that the "mothering, controlling, clinging to the very end" etc etc are the very things which are likely to end a relationship?

 

You know what, I'm not sure. I do like being alone. I live alone and like it. I also crave my alone time always and do stuff alone a lot.

 

I am a very insecure person. You can see it in my daily life too. I have a hard time making decisions and even in swimming, my instructor was telling me I have to trust in myself and "let go" since I have a hard time learning how to back float and seem to be holding back.

 

I keep people in my life way past expiration. I do that with T. He is not always good for me or good to me (will use me on occasions), but I keep him in my life because he's been in my life since my college days. I have a hard time letting go.

 

And yes, my qualities/quirks, tend to also help to end my relationships. I get too clingy or controlling and the guy wants "out". I get so afraid that the guy won't like me or will want to leave me, that it becomes a "self-fulfilling prophecy".

[KG]

It's quite brave of you to post this. Knowing what's bothering you is the first step to improving you.

[Capricorn3]

Ren, thanks for sharing. Self awareness is the key to making changes in the right direction. The fact that you recognize what leads to the "self fulfilling prophecy" is a good thing. So many people are in denial and it never works. Kudos to you girl! I wish you all the best. ~hugs~

[sugar_britches]

I have learned that i am stronger than i think! learned to be self reliant when it comes to emotional issues and that happiness comes from within and not from others making you happy. I have learned that just because my hubby says it doesnt mean its gospel and according to the law of god and he is not always right! If he says i am "fat" it doesnt mean i am! 5'5" weighing in at 133 pounds is not my idea of fat, it might be his but hey i am not the one whose 5'10" and weighing in at 266 pounds am i? lol (bit of projection on his part me thinks). I learned that you can be married and have friends too even though a certain person doesnt like it and i am not committing a huge crime by having them either! am i? lol

[Sparkly Eyes]

What I learned: I learned that I need to work on my communication and be a little less clingy and less of a pushover. I also need to be more decisive and be able to leave a relationship if it's not right for me. I also think I should put my gaurds up and don't let men in my heart easily.

 

Who I am in a relationship with: I am currently not in a relationship and would rather not to be in one for a while.

 

Who I want to be with: A guy who turns me on, mentally and physically. Someone I can have a good time with and who respects and cares about my feelings. He HAS to be easy going and secure in himself and have very good communication skills. I want him to have the same life goals as me...thinking about having a traditional family probably would not go well with me. He also has to have a high sex drive and satisfy me in that department.