Anyone else find sex... stressful?

[Pappilion]

I'm 20 and I've never been sexually abused and my upbringing has been extremely open. Gosh my mind is through the roof when it comes to sex yet... I've got a history with just being far far far too tight and there have been times when I've clenched my teeth and wanted to scream in agony and the guy just can't get it in. Caused major self esteem issues and I did some very stupid things and dated some d$%heads. Finally, at the age of 18 I could at least have intercourse, but it was never enjoyable and I spent the whole session just lying there trying to distract myself (bad I know) but I was more preoccupied to keep my BF at the time (I'd been dumped on several occasions over sex) and was extremely depressed. Even now I still think "I wish I was normal". Finally I've met this amazing guy and miraculously enjoyed MOST of the sex we've had (I cried the first time because it just totally mind blowing).

 

However, as the relationship starts to settle the old sex related fears are coming back. Coz I'm stressed, I'm getting tight again and not as wet. I've asked my BF to initiate sex (he's a little shy because his exe's weren't so open about the subject, but is aggressive and amazing once we start) but he still hasn't. This is making me feel sick, because I don't just get aroused and do it. I end up deciding to have sex (more like a "if we don't have sex the relationship will go downhill), worrying for the next few hours, then when I do it's just... frustrating and not enjoyable at all. I feel the pressure is all on me and that I have to be the responsible one to pull him out of the closet when he's just shy and my past sex experiences have been rather traumatic. Am I being selfish for thinking that its just a little unfair? I find that when we have sex anywhere but the bedroom it seems to go smoother anyone know why?

[maggie_rae]

I think there might be some real issues. I just think since he is the guy , he should be more worried about the problem than you. Sounds almost one sided. I dont think its selfish at all. I kind of think sex is stressful tooo. It might be because im not a very sexual person. I think with someone you love though nothing is stressful and thats where you might be going wrong. I think you should have alot more mental connection.

[FathomFear]

I would ask your doctor. This is a health issue. You likely have a physical or psychological form of vaginismus. Check out link removed and see if any of that rings true to your situation.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You know what...some people are just not that sexual. I think society has painted this picture that everyone should want to have sex 24/7 or else they are abnormal...but some people just are not into sex..it may not be that they have a medical condition, it could be just the way they are...they prefer other aspects of the relationship, connecting with someone emotionally and spiritually, connecting with someone physically through cuddling and kissing. Not everyone finds sex very awe-inspiring or the be all and end all in connecting with someone. It is okay if you do not follow the dictates of what society deems is "normal". I think part of the stress you are feeling is feeling you are not normal and that causes you to not feel relaxed during sex.

[Sparkly Eyes]

You know what...some people are just not that sexual. I think society has painted this picture that everyone should want to have sex 24/7 or else they are abnormal...but some people just are not into sex..it may not be that they have a medical condition, it could be just the way they are...they prefer other aspects of the relationship, connecting with someone emotionally and spiritually, connecting with someone physically through cuddling and kissing. Not everyone finds sex very awe-inspiring or the be all and end all in connecting with someone. It is okay if you do not follow the dictates of what society deems is "normal". I think part of the stress you are feeling is feeling you are not normal and that causes you to not feel relaxed during sex.

 

hmmm, no. I'm a very sexual person and I have the same problem! I agree with the first poster about vaginismus.

 

OP, you need a loot of foreplay to have sex. An orgasm before having sex through oral or manual can always help. Using dildos on a regular basis will also help you open up.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

hmmm, no. I'm a very sexual person and I have the same problem! I agree with the first poster about vaginismus.

 

OP, you need a loot of foreplay to have sex. An orgasm before having sex through oral or manual can always help. Using dildos on a regular basis will also help you open up.

 

So we just discount my input simply because you are sexual and have the same problem? You are you and the OP is the OP. Your situation does not necessarily mean it is the same for the OP. Sure, it could be...but maybe not. All possibilities need to be explored not just simply discounted.

[Ginger1]

You know what...some people are just not that sexual. I think society has painted this picture that everyone should want to have sex 24/7 or else they are abnormal...but some people just are not into sex..it may not be that they have a medical condition, it could be just the way they are...they prefer other aspects of the relationship, connecting with someone emotionally and spiritually, connecting with someone physically through cuddling and kissing. Not everyone finds sex very awe-inspiring or the be all and end all in connecting with someone. It is okay if you do not follow the dictates of what society deems is "normal". I think part of the stress you are feeling is feeling you are not normal and that causes you to not feel relaxed during sex.

 

hmm that's an interesting point. I don't consider myself very sexual (yet). I am not sure if that will change when I am in a relationship.

As for the OP, it's probably a good idea to talk to your BF about that. If he is a nice guy he should be perceptive to what you're saying. Seems like most of it is a anxiety type thing where you just need to relax, and he plays a big role in that.

[LightbulbSun]

So we just discount my input simply because you are sexual and have the same problem? You are you and the OP is the OP. Your situation does not necessarily mean it is the same for the OP. Sure, it could be...but maybe not. All possibilities need to be explored not just simply discounted.

 

Wow, calm down. That was uncalled for.

 

OP, it sounds like a medical condition to me, too. Have you brought this up with your doctor? If you feel comfortable discussing it with her/him, that might shine some more light on your situation.