iBroken Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 Guess he didnt delete your number after all? LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amandathepanda Posted April 9, 2010 Author Share Posted April 9, 2010 Ha, yes, didnt even think of that...cos Im so used to his actions not matching his words I guess. Funny, I was talking to a colleague of the pair of us (we work together but I have been off work all this week thank goodness) by Skype and he said to me, knowing nothing about what has happened "Andrea is not helping with this project at all, and you know, he says one thing one day...and another the next!" and basically told me that he finds his inconsistency very hard to deal with. Kind of made me feel better, he has some issues that affect his life really badly. I havent replied by the way! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amandathepanda Posted April 9, 2010 Author Share Posted April 9, 2010 And now the latest email...what's this all about? After all the nastiness... I cant fight anymore, I love you - I cant comprehende but hey why do i want to. I love you Amanda i will accept things; its your choice and i will try and make the best of it. I want to be there for you if you need me for a chat or if you need some help of any kind if I can I will give it to you without wanting anything back from you and i will give you as much as I can unless I have fallen head over heals for another woman. Its unlikely at the moment, after this I might rather choose the shed or my magic hand than get into trubble. I have had a massive argument with my mother and yes things come in pairs!!! She is soo bloody unforgiving; since the day I was born and after ***'s (his sister) death its almost become tangible to me. I called her ; I told her i hadent slept and if she could to arrenge the taxi and if failing so I would of certenly driven her. Anyway she got her usual taxi but she just wa unfurgiving. she knew my * * * * ty moment and I went to the gym last night (yes I was a good boy I did go to the gym!) and after all those texts to you i just dint sleep at all. I told her so and seriously Amanda on the way back if I would of driven I most certenly would of crashed cos I had just the 2 hours kip all night. No Im an unpredible non caring son, that went to see her after work to do the usual maintenence of lawns etc to be told loads of sentences and loads unforgiving crap. Like "You always let me down!". Amanda I swear I never let her down and maybe thats the reason why to hear you telling me about the Peak Districk (he took me and his ex there on subsequent weekends, to "see how it felt with both of us")takes me back to the unforgiven. Anyway it doesnt matter I promise I want to enjoy you as you are I dont want to look for answer or dig into US as a couple now I just want to enjoy watever we can have as in friends. 25 past now and I feel lonely but I cant wait for 2morrow * * * * it the sun will come in and I will live outside in the garden... time and events happen and as they happen they shape us and give us other emotions hopefully better ones! This is where my weakness lies - when he is nice and tries to win me over...but its still manipulative...I must ignore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happylady Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 You call that nice? I would lol at that personally. My favorite is "I want to be there for you if you need me for a chat or if you need some help of any kind if I can I will give it to you without wanting anything back from you and i will give you as much as I can unless I have fallen head over heals for another woman." Unless I fall for another woman? To give him the benefit of the doubt... he sounds like a hard core bad boy that really believes he is doing good. And in his mind i am sure he is totally genuine as well... for now, while it is convenient. But he will never change and it will always be the same yelling, cursing, disrespect, etc. If you do decide to take him back after all you said in your email you will be going against your better judgement. To me that would be like insulting yourself and not standing by what you believe Strong or weak which are you? Please be strong, I personally believe you "will" do alot better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 ... More evidence he doesn't take you seriously. Are you going to get back with him again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amandathepanda Posted April 9, 2010 Author Share Posted April 9, 2010 ... More evidence he doesn't take you seriously. Are you going to get back with him again? Not a chance!! Promise... Going to stay at a friends over the weekend for some tough love....its the only way.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jazzykat Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 Sorry, but that last email he sent you just sounds plain weird... I can't really see 'nice' in there at all.. Just someone alternately feeling sorry for himself and blowing his own trumpet.. I'm not sure how old he is, but he sounds very immature! Kinda creepy really! You can do much much better !!! Please stay strong!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
squirl Posted April 10, 2010 Share Posted April 10, 2010 Hey amanda, Sorry for your pain. Being cheated on is very traumatizing. You must love him very much to want to try again. You are totally in the right, and entitled to choose your future whether it is with or without this man. As for Facebook, there is no such thing as privacy when a person makes their profile public. What you did was normal and perfectly understandable. However, I do see a little of metafisics's perspective. Not that it diminishes the wrongness of the past cheating and hurts. Perhaps you might want to take a look at what you wrote here: His email is manipulative yes. But yours is provocative as well. There is a bit of a no-win situation for him in the email you sent him. It was your choice to stay in the relationship when you felt you were mistreated. But there must have been good things to keep you with him as well. Surely you have more to offer than the ability to tolerate mistreatment? To bring it up to him in this fashion is hurtful to him now, I am sure. He cannot change the past and he cannot stop your thoughts. If you are trying to reconcile, you'd have to find a way to highlight what he is doing differently and highlight the positive, rather than bring up the past negativity. I don't know where you are with this because the ending of your email is ambiguous. So your choices are to leave him or change what you are doing. I do think some time to focus on healing yourself and not looking to him for your healing might benefit you regardless. It sounds like you are on the right path and making good decisions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amandathepanda Posted April 10, 2010 Author Share Posted April 10, 2010 Squirl, thanks for the post...the thing is, I DONT want to try again...and I am not trying to reconcile. Whilst I fully admit that I stayed far longer than I should, I was not being provocative, merely honest. Only 4 months ago he ended a relationship with a woman he was playing alongside me (and yes, I was aware at times and at others totally taken in by his lies, only discovering the complete truth when she contacted me towards the end of last year). The good things were shared interests and beliefs, music and art etc, No win for him? No, I don't agree...he could have won. We went for counsellling for 6 weeks, and at the end of that he agreed that he understood her advice that this could take at least a year. That there may well be times I needed reassurance, sometimes often and he must be prepared for that. I agree that does not give me an excuse to bang on about it day and night, but then I never ever have. Twice since then, he has failed horrendously - once mocking my insecurity, and then on this occasion by getting abusive and angry. I have had a day and night of begging text messages now, telling me he doesnt understand my decision (could I have made it any plainer?) and an email telling me how he has fallen out with his mother for not being more generous with her money. I should perhaps add that he is an ex heroin addict, some time ago now, but he was an addict from age 19-27. I honestly think he has never really grown up. His relationship with the woman in question was (by both accounts) extremely dysfunctional. He needs to be on his own and learn what life is really about. This is the bit I can't agree with: I don't know where you are with this because the ending of your email is ambiguous. So your choices are to leave him or change what you are doing. What about HIS choices? His side of the bargain was, through counselling, that HE would also do some changing and become more mindful and understanding of the need for patience and reassurance because of HIS actions. My insecurity is not an action, its an emotion caused by his infidelity..the only thing that could possibly change that is some consistency from him...creating in me a greater ability to trust over time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted April 10, 2010 Share Posted April 10, 2010 I think it's time now, Amanda, to start looking at your behaviors. I know this statements are going to really hurt, but please don't take them as an insult. You both were complicit in the unhealthy relationship that he originated with his behavior. With the same amount of thought and attention that you give to his background and psyche, you need to analyze your own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amandathepanda Posted April 10, 2010 Author Share Posted April 10, 2010 I think it's time now, Amanda, to start looking at your behaviors. I know this statements are going to really hurt, but please don't take them as an insult. You both were complicit in the unhealthy relationship that he originated with his behavior. With the same amount of thought and attention that you give to his background and psyche, you need to analyze your own. No, it doesnt hurt Mrs Darcy because I know you are right. I didnt CAUSE his behaviour but I chose to put up with it and I totally agree...This I know, because I have analyzed myself a great deal, both recently and in my past. The only pain in the ass is, that just like knowing that a limp was caused by a broken leg, knowing WHY and HOW I behave like I do doesnt necessarily make it easier not to. But I am working on it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted April 10, 2010 Share Posted April 10, 2010 The only pain in the ass is, that just like knowing that a limp was caused by a broken leg, knowing WHY and HOW I behave like I do doesnt necessarily make it easier not to. But I am working on it... Ah yes. Yet in your scenario, knowing the origin can help you heal it more effectively. If you know your limp is due to a broken leg, it may mean you need an X-ray. The X-ray may reveal that the leg is not healed. That will inform the doctor's recommendation of the treatment: to perscribe certain anti-imflammitories, may you stay off the leg, put you in a cast, and ask you to elevate that leg for a while. You may even need surgery and physical therapy later on. So the origin informs the treatment. And the treatment leads to healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amandathepanda Posted April 10, 2010 Author Share Posted April 10, 2010 Fantastic analogy Mrs D...and yes, you are right again.... Rest and recouperation in the sun for me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
squirl Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 Sorry for the confusion. I think these are the statements that were ambiguous to me: I think we have to accept that right now, we just CAN'T be together. * * * I just dont know what more I can do to make you see what is needed from you....I think are needs are too different. You've asked if you can make it any plainer. Yes, I think you can. You can confirm to him that you are not closing the door "right now" but for good. If the begging texts are upsetting you, reiterate your decision. You don't have to elaborate why, just that you have ended it. You have good reason to end it. You don't need to justify your decision. As you continue to take charge of your actions, you will start healing and feeling better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zinny Posted April 12, 2010 Share Posted April 12, 2010 I love you Amanda i will accept things; its your choice and i will try and make the best of it. I want to be there for you if you need me for a chat or if you need some help of any kind if I can I will give it to you without wanting anything back from you and i will give you as much as I can unless I have fallen head over heals for another woman. Anyway it doesnt matter I promise I want to enjoy you as you are I dont want to look for answer or dig into US as a couple now I just want to enjoy watever we can have as in friends. Hi Amanda, Sorry I'm kinda bringing up an old thread.... but I can't help but follow your storyline because it's way too similar to mine. I... like you... have waivered so much with me ex. Taking him back so many times because it was so "painful" to lose him... and in essence, let him treat me like a doormat, just so I could have him in my life. I was the girl who told him it was over FOR GOOD whenever she was hurt.... then because I couldn't deal with my hurt from him being gone... I let him back in or I chased after him and the cycle started again. I was the girl who showed him through my actions that he could do whatever he wanted to.... he could hurt me as much as he wanted as long as his own needs were fulfilled and I would always be here, no matter what words came out of my mouth. My actions never met my words and in essence, I was the girl who cried wolf. Those quotes above just imply to me that he does want to be with you amanda.... HOWEVER, he wants to be with you on HIS terms. The first being he will be there unless he falls in love with another (trying to impose fear and jealousy in you) and the second saying he wants to enjoy you as you are as a "friend" and won't dig up answer re: being a couple. IMO - this is just his way to get back into your life, without having to hear about the "damage" he has caused in the past. Both of these statements to me are RED FLAGS that he is going to try and get back into your life and then eventually go back to his ways again. I say this because I went through the same thing... my ex kept promising me the world and when I asked to cash in... in his promises... I was asking too much... I needed to let go of all his past indiscretions.... AND I needed to let clean up his messes HIS WAY.... even though it was his way that destroyed my heart the first time around and continued to break my heart every day I was "semi" waiting for him. Life became all based on his terms and if I didn't agree to it, then I wasn't giving HIM enough..... I find that often when someone wants to get back together with you, they assume that in you taking them back, that you are accepting them as they have previously been. You are accepting them for them, with all their faults and all their bad behaviours.... But we assume that if someone wants to get back together, they’re prepared to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work. Which means recognizing their weaknesses as well as their strengths. However, unfortunately, due to the insecurities and fear from the hurt on the dumpee or betrayed side, we don't have the strength to push for what we want. We've already given them a second or third or eighteenth chance because we are more fearful of not being with them, then being with them on their terms. We think that by them saying sorry and yes, you are right - we will get the person we thought they were going to be. But they don’t end up changing in order for the relationship to restart; you do. And then the ugly cycle starts again.... You are doing the right thing for you.... in every broken relationship, both parties need to likely change a bit to be stronger... But effort needs to be made on both parts... and after your saga, your need for reassurance - IMO - is something that should be easily given. If you ever need someone to be a buddy in "not crying wolf".... you can always pm me... as I'm trying my hardest to stop being that girl in my situation for the last time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amandathepanda Posted April 16, 2010 Author Share Posted April 16, 2010 Sorry to resurrect this thread,,,I really want some advice... I was doing so well..but he has been contacting me on and off, and mid-week I caved and contacted him back...and then he started to send me emails...and it has just culminated in him asking me for a 6 month break and to rethink after this time. You only have to read the first post to kind of see the history. I dont know what to do... after a prolonged period apart, and some work on ourselves, could this relationship work? Would I be sufficiently removed from our difficult past to have less insecurity? And would he be more patient if I did feel insecure at any time? When I see him (at work, everyday), the attraction is still very much there...I dont know what to say or think or do.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted April 17, 2010 Share Posted April 17, 2010 I dont know what to do... after a prolonged period apart, and some work on ourselves, could this relationship work? Would I be sufficiently removed from our difficult past to have less insecurity? And would he be more patient if I did feel insecure at any time? ... No, no, and no. I think you need to learn to stop caving. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaStranger Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 No, no, and no. I think you need to learn to stop caving. Good luck. Seconded. I'd be very worried he's just keeping you dangling on a piece of string while he goes off and does what he wants!! He wants to make sure you don't move on in the mean time!! No one can put a timescale on their emotions.... things could well be exactly the same in 6 months... specially if your just hanging on for something... and then what?? Good luck honey, I think you're really brave and I think you know what's right... you just need to dig in and get it done! Any chance of a new job?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happylady Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 Wait... you broke it off with him and he is asking you for a 6 month break? I dont get it? How can you take a break when you are broken up already? or did you get back and now he is asking you for a break? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zinny Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 I'd be very wary with this proposal..... I think by placing time parameters on when you can "try again" will only do one thing.... make you sit around and wait subconciously. This man cheated on you for most of your relationship and because YOU can't heal in the time span he wants, now he wants to NOT be with you for 6 months to give you time to get over it? Um, he just wants to not be held accountable for what he did... have fun for 6 months and then hopefully be back with you - without having to fully accept responsibility for what he did to you. THIS is not a man that you deserve, you deserve more and I think deep down you know that. Attraction might spark something but a love made out of respect for your partner is quite another.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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