DanDee Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 Present him with an ultimatum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SarahRose Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 You are not overreacting at all. He is way out of line. I wonder how he liked it you you were spending 8 hours a day studying with a male "friend" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G-Snap Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 You can only trust a person when they are giving you enough respect to earn it. He isn't. What you describe sounds like the amount of time a partner would give a girlfriend, not just some female friend he met only six months ago! This isnt even an old friend that you could justify this with by saying they've always been close! They basically just met. This is trouble just waiting to happen, if it hasn't already. I would talk to him about boundaries, and if you can't get an acceptable buy in from him call this one quits. You don't have to walk around acting like the most secure rock on the planet ALL the time. Feeling bad about this is normal because his actions are bound to cause the most secure of g/f's insecurity. I'd have a talk with him SOON and if he wont meet you halfway with an agreeable boundary agreement, find yourself a guy who will spend all that time that he spends with her, with you. You make such an effort to stress how much you trust him, yet I don't know why as he has not given you any reason to think he deserves it. His actions are elusive and fishy to say the least. His focus, time and attention is on another woman. This is WAY too much time to be spending with someone else....even if this were a male friend, its just too much time spent together for a person who is in a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
o_hopeless_o Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 You can only trust a person when they are giving you enough respect to earn it. hallefreakinglujah! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G-Snap Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 And for what its worth I've never spent THAT much time with ANY close friend, male or female, that I wasn't dating !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmasq Posted April 6, 2010 Author Share Posted April 6, 2010 Neither have I. I don't really mind that I don't see him for as long as I'd like, it's the person he is with instead that is bothersome. I never want to get in the way of my partner studying and doing well in school. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G-Snap Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 Neither have I. I don't really mind that I don't see him for as long as I'd like, it's the person he is with instead that is bothersome. I never want to get in the way of my partner studying and doing well in school. Expecting that he curtail the time spent with this new friend, whether she is a school friend or not, is not interfering with his school or studies. You don't have to be that big of a person and shouldn't have to tolerate this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
geekgirl4 Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 I hope you can stand your ground about him with this. He will definitely start giving you the you're overreacting talk, you're being crazy/psycho, etc. but don't put up with it and give in. If he starts making you seem like the bad guy, don't give in just so you don't look like a psycho - stand your ground! You are most definitely not overreacting and you are most definitely not psycho. Its the bf and the friend who are clearly making the mistakes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 I've twice been in a situation where I was spending far more time with a male colleague than I was with my partner, just by dint of the situation. Male colleague and I would support each other emotionally and share interests (work-related ones, which weren't shared by our respective partners). It all worked out very well, because: - we were both in loving, committed relationships - we respected our partners and would never have cheated on them - there was no hint of sexual attraction between me and the male colleague If any of these factors had been different, it would have changed the whole dynamic of the situation. If I were going through what you're going through now, mmasq, I'd be slowly dying inside. It's a horrible situation and it's undermining your self-esteem; if you don't feel ready to split with your fella, or feel that if you do, she'll somehow have 'won' - gradually pull away, spend more time with people whose company you really enjoy and who make you feel good about yourself. As it is, you're very bravely trying to be kind and reasonable in the face of behaviour from two people who are showing no respect for your feelings whatsoever. It can be easy to bend over backwards to accommodate other people, whilst ignoring the fact that they're walking all over us. You deserve better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
absinthe Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 mmasq, have you ever heard the term "gaslighting"? Here's the wiki definition of it: link removed Your b/f has either serious relationship boundary issues or has a mad crush on this girl. Either way, as others have stated, he's not treating you with any respect. IMO, he sounds like curb-side material, not b/f material. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mauxly Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 Another thing to think about. In my situation, my ex had the best of both worlds. He had me, and he also had this exciting flirtation. As soon as he lost me, he wanted nothing to do with her. I had another situation where this started to happen again, having been through it I saw the writing on the wall and walked before anything happened. As soon as I was out of the picture, he walked from that girl. I know that its really hard to do, but if its killing you, walk away. This guy is seems to have * * * * blindness. The only cure is to lose something that he's forgotten that he cares about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmasq Posted April 7, 2010 Author Share Posted April 7, 2010 Hi all, Well we did talk. And he has stated that he doesn't care if I feel like he's cheating or not. I am rather stunned and sad, because we just, and I mean just moved into a new apartment together over the weekend. I signed a year long lease with him just over a week ago. I have moved into our spare room which was supposed to be our office. I think I'm still a bit in shock because the tears haven't come yet. Four years is a long time to be with someone and to end it so painfully. Thanks for all of your responses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 Hi all, Well we did talk. And he has stated that he doesn't care if I feel like he's cheating or not. I am rather stunned and sad, because we just, and I mean just moved into a new apartment together over the weekend. I signed a year long lease with him just over a week ago. I have moved into our spare room which was supposed to be our office. I think I'm still a bit in shock because the tears haven't come yet. Four years is a long time to be with someone and to end it so painfully. Thanks for all of your responses. What a jerk. Dump his rump and try to get out of your lease. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mauxly Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 Oh god... I'm so sorry! I could almost cry for you. What a heartless response We are here for you. I know this is going to be extremely difficult, and you will second guess yourself constantly, but you have to stay strong and leave. Again,we are here for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmasq Posted April 7, 2010 Author Share Posted April 7, 2010 Sigh. He has suffered from depression for most of his life, and I have tried to help him with it, by suggesting psychiatry. I do a lot of things daily to try and make things less stressful etc. But apparently I am the reason he is depressed. I've unfortunately had a previous boyfriend and a best friend who suffered from depression. They never blamed me for it though There's not really any thing more I can do in this situation I believe. I only take a small comfort in knowing that unless he seeks treatment he is bound to do this with someone else (not that I like the idea of another person being hurt), but it helps in not blaming myself for it as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmasq Posted April 7, 2010 Author Share Posted April 7, 2010 Thanks Trxy, I'm still in shock (it's been a few hours). I can't believe he'd say those things, and worse still feel that way. He seemed surprised when I told him that as it stands I'm not sure we will recover with a friendship at the very least. I can't imagine treating my friends like this, and would advise them not to be friends with anyone so callous. I suppose I should listen to my own advice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 mmasq, no one is perfect but I get the sense you're very rational, realistic and open. I believe you can find someone who is like you and willing to share his life with you. I'm sorry things ended like they did, and ended at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MakestheBest Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 Way too over the top. She needs to go. I hate the be the pessimist here, but my infidelity beacons are going off full force here. i absolutely agree with this post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sanesoul Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 i absolutely agree with this post. It's even deepened for me now that I hear the news of the breakup. If he is willing to break up a long-term relationship for this girl, then there is definitely something going on. I'm sorry to hear the news OP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MakestheBest Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 It's even deepened for me now that I hear the news of the breakup. If he is willing to break up a long-term relationship for this girl, then there is definitely something going on. I'm sorry to hear the news OP. Ugh! I rushed to post what I originally posted as soon as i read the first page. Now that I know of this new development I want to kill him for you. I can't believe he said that...he is an ass. Also I know that part of the reason you might not want to leave him is that feeling that we all get that she will "win". The real winner is the one who ends up in a solid relationship. That's you honey. You're guy is an ass. And she is a manipulative wretch. Karma is a b*tch with a gun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
velvette Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 good news: you just broke up with a suckarrr! *dingding* we have a winner, and it's you! more good news: they're gonna get what they deserve. your ex and that girl will find out a REAL relationship is harder to maintain than a fantasy-cheating-studying relationship. BAHAHHA and they will faiiilll because they are such selfish craptastic losers. here's to your next, better and sweeter relationship! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
geekgirl4 Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 You saved yourself and you will look back at this move with thankfulness. Your ex (is it official?) will have terrible relationships for the rest of his life because he's so blind and ignorant. And you will walk away from this stronger and better. Is it possible you can find someone to sublet and take your spot? Make up some story with your landlord and see what he can do. Either way, we're all here for you and stay strong! You did the right thing in dropping a guy who "doesn't care"!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmasq Posted April 7, 2010 Author Share Posted April 7, 2010 Hi, Thanks to everyone for their kind words. I have no idea what's going on right now. The last words he said to me were literally, " I don't care if you think I'm cheating on your or not." This was after I showed him this whole thread. Then I got to hear about how depressed he is and how that is all my fault and all he wants is to be alone. I told him that his words are very painful and cruel, that all I ever wanted for him was to be happy and successful in his studies. That I do not believe I am the cause of his depression as he has suffered from it for most of his life. I have suggested he seek counselling, medication but he insists that I can't fix him; and that the only cure for his depression is being rid of me. I moved into the spare room of our apartment, I don't really know what I'll do because part of our lease contract stated that we could not sublet at any point in our lease. I had thought that my week would be busy with hanging pictures, unpacking our stuff and creating a new home for us and our 3 cats. No kids thankfully. But everything is upside down now. I would not be surprised if he had "made up" with the study partner girl. I definitely feel like she has won in this situation. But inevitably I do think that they are the losers in the end. Because his depression cure won't last, she'll just replace me as the cause. Or whomever else he chooses to be with. None of this conjecture on my part is really helping me with my feelings of loss today however. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sophie274 Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 Oh my god I'm so sorry sweetie. You can and you WILL get through this though, really. You're stronger than you know. His response says it all. If my boyfriend were going to break up with me because of a study partner - especially in a situation where we were spending SO much time together, there's no way he can be so oblivious to the fact that it's not appropriate - I would drop the study partner in a heart beat if it meant that much to him. You must feel completely blindsided. Ugh. It'll take time for you to feel ok, but just keep trucking. Hopefully you have some anger at him you can use to galvanize you into setting your living situation straight and figuring something out, and then you can work on mending that heart of yours. Best of luck. Post on ENA whenever you feel down - we've all done in during our break-ups! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 I agree completely. OP, print out some of the responses in your thread and read them when you feel down. He is just full of excuses! You're the reason he's depressed? Your ruining his life? Ha! That's a laugh. You've been a patient and trusting girlfriend while he's been screwing around right in front of you and chastising your concerns. He gave up a long time ago. He can take his depression and his "study partner". In a few months, he'll understand what depression and regret really feels like. The loser... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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