does dating someone else really erase the last one? does love transfer?

[Anon333]

I have heard this so much from people. That love from a past ex is transfered to the next person. This makes me sad because my ex dated someone else right away, and I have a hard time dating someone. I know if I found the right person I was comfortable enough with and liked, I would date them, but that seems impossible to me. I want to be over my ex, because I want to be able to go out and see him with his new girlfriend and not care. He is still on my mind every day at a pretty constant rate, but I am less depressed and more rational about the situation. I still have hope I will one day hear from him, but I know it would not be any time right now.

 

What I am most afraid of is not being able to fully heal from him until I am in a new relationship. I do know this has been kind of true in the past for me. Even if the following relationship was all wrong and horrible, it did help me feel like a chapter was closed moreso. But this makes me sad that he has closed the chapter by being with someone else, and so easily....And also sad because I want to give myself time to find the right person and be okay with being single, but I fear as long as he is dating someone else, and I am still single I will not ever be healed enough to go out and be fully confident and over him. Anyone identify or agree/disagree. This seems like the hardest part, of being single and getting over him.

[adamt]

yes, i know how you are feeling

 

i've spent about 10-11 months doing all the right things to move on. last 4 months i've been on a few dates. some of them i really liked and took my mind right off my ex. but sadly nothing materialised. It will soon be 1 year anniversary and sometimes it feels a i am no nearer moving on.I cant believe how quick the year has gone. it like she has thrown a grenade in a room, walked out and locked the door and left meme in the room and now i've got to out myself back together.

 

sometimes it gets me down. this morning i woke up on a downer. was wondering if i will ever move on and what more can i do. its like groundhog day sometimes. then the anxiety kicks in as the worry builds up then i start thinking about the relationship with my ex and how it used to be and what we used to do. i then get angry with myself for letting her still occupy my mind and think i am pathetic.

 

the only way out to move on will be to meet someone else. its the lonelyness and not having someone there to share and talk to at the quiet times which his now hard.now i worry i wont meet anyone else. i'm 39.

 

I've always been happy wth my life, felt i had control and happy in the direction it is going. since splitting up with my ex, i feel lost and lack any direction and cant settle. i wish there was some kind of winning formula to sort me out. i dont even want to go on a holiday because it will make me sad and want to go with my ex.

[Rob1000]

I understand completely what you're saying but you're basing it too much around him. It shouldn't matter what he is doing. Of course you want to be able to see him with someone else and not care, but in time that will happen. Him having someone new shouldn't be a reason for you to have someone new. Your focus should be entirely about you, and not him. He doesn't exist anymore. He is just an illusion in your mind.

 

As much as I still have feelings for my ex, I couldn't give a hoot about who she is dating or what she is doing. It wasn't always this way, so I know I'm healing. You'll get there too.

[HouseKitten]

You have to move on for yourself, not because he is doing so and you fear being left behind, or never getting over him. This is yet another thing about breaking up which just takes time - people are ready for different things at different rates.

 

You cannot judge what his relationship is like, or how he is feeling. For all you know, he also thinks about you and your relationship every day, he's just better at putting those feelings aside to try and move on. Even after I met my current boyfriend, who I am very very happy with, I still thought about my ex frequently - you don't forget that sort of thing in a heartbeat. A lot of people come here and say 'I can't believe they moved on so quickly, did they care about me at all?', but the truth is they have no idea what their ex is going through. They are unlikely to confess to you that they are unhappy after all.

 

Stop focusing on what he is doing. For all you know, he got into something new too quick and it'll end badly, or they'll stay together forever. Does it matter? No. Because you're not with him anymore - all you need to be thinking about it is moving on and thinking about him less.

 

It's not a race, no one gets to win. You just have to try and get to a point where you're happy without him - and seriously, everyone eventually gets to that point, if they want to.

[In the Dark]

Why do you think people rebound?

 

They use the person to erase the memories of the relationship with someone else.

Sometimes it ends up just being a vicious cycle of hurting people and getting over people until the memories are completely buried of the one you truly loved.

[chocolate_86]

i've got exactly the same thing going on with me.I am so scared he is going to be with someone else all the time,it's killing me.We haven't even spoken in nearly a year,he just decided to start ignoring me and i haven't heard from him since.There isn't a day that goes by where i don't think of him or what he's doing,i even dream of him.I never really liked anyone before i was with him.I feel the most helpess i have EVER felt. I go out with friends,i drink,i dance,i make out with other guys,try to focus on other things. I have a dress i wore one time when i was out with him and ever since everything happened i can't bring myself to wear it,because it reminds me of him too much.Find it hard going to where we met..songs all remind me of him,movies,his favourite tv shows.Why does it have to be so hard???So im just letting you know i know how you feel and if you're ever struggling just private message me hope you feel better about things soon

[Crazyaboutdogs]

People who use another one as a means to squash the memories of their ex may "transfer that love" to the new person...but really, they are not actually loving the new person in their own right...the love they are transferring is simply the love of being in a new relationship and getting attention once again. It is the ego boost more than the love of the new person. In other words, it is not real love, it is rebound/ego boost love. The only thing real thing that gets transferred is pain...in other words, the pain you would be feeling simply gets transferred to the new person you date as they eventually realize you used them to get over someone else. These rebounds often end up with the person who rebounded realizing that they still love the ex even though they are with someone new.

 

Getting over someone is a process..but a process that needs to happen solo, not dragging a new partner into it. Instead of looking at your ex and being miserable that he has someone new, why not shove the ex out of your mind, realize the relationship is over and block thoughts of him out as if he no longer existed.

[ANewMe]

Why do you think people rebound?

 

They use the person to erase the memories of the relationship with someone else.

Sometimes it ends up just being a vicious cycle of hurting people and getting over people until the memories are completely buried of the one you truly loved.

 

I agree. Sadly, some people, but it seems to me especially and in most cases this is the way men cope with a break-up. Instead of confronting their feelings of loss and giving themselves time to heal, they jump from one girl to the next until they get what they need. And they need someone to distract them from their feelings of regret (if they have any), restore their feelings of worth, fix their insecurities or do whatever it takes to make themselves feel better. It's a pretty selfish and immature way of dealing with a breakup.

 

In my case when I got dumped around 3 months, the ex's rebound lasted a month, all the while he was dating at least 3 other girls and now has declared himself "in a relationship" with someone else for the past month and a half. Does this mean that he has forgotten or it totally over me? No. It just means, to me, that this is his way of coping. He knows I'm not there for him anymore because I've gone NC all the way. He's tried many times, through 'accidental meetings', aligning himself with my friends, just basically trying all kinds of things to just to get a reaction from me. While my lack of reaction may bother him, he's got plenty of other women, and now this girlfriend, to make his little ego feel all better until he does - and he will eventually - forget all about me and truly move on.

[getbiii]

wooow, you said that so well!!!! the rebounder walks away because he is bored/healed/etc of this new person who turns out sometimes to even be someone who he/she would never even date, and if not, the rebounder will find out what its about...

[d_lilah]

Crazyaboutdogs definitely hit the nail on the head.

 

One thing you have to take into account as well is that if you are using a 'rebound' in this way, that in the end, it's not only about your feelings anymore. There are two people involved and if it doesn't work out, you have the risk of hurting that person just how you were hurt.

 

It's a question that doesn't have a straight answer. Sure, try dating, but don't commit to anything unless you are sure you are ready.

[Anon333]

I hear what all of you are saying. I agree I have to focus on myself and try to thik the ex doesnt exist in my life anymore. Even if he pops into my head obsessively. I am in a better place than I was a month ago. But I know that if I go out I will see him with this girl. It is impossible not to feel inferior or horrible going out on my own when he has someone. Someone I actually think he is much happier with than he was with me. In fact, although he was with her a week after we broke up, Im pretty sure that he is more a "rebound" for her rather than her for him. They are coupley, but I have heard that she just got out of a very serious long term relationship living with an ex, and he happened to be there to sweep her away in his recent break up with me....SO I guess it works out for them? I dont know, and I know I shouldnt know...

 

The problem is just that most people dont fully get over there ex until they have dated someone else. And in the past with me drinking and being less selective in who I dated, I would have found someone eventually to get over an ex. Not for the purpose to get over an ex, but just because it would happen that way. I have recently quit drinking and learned these relationships with little spark in the beginning lead to less in the end and drama and heartache, so I want to be okay with being single, and okay with the possibility of never finding the right person for me, because this seems to be my biggest fear and seems to continue being true. If I can be okay with this, I think I can be happy with my life, the only problem is seeing my ex with someone else. It totally makes me not be okay with this. Reminds me I have lost him, he is hapy with someone else, and I may never find the right person and will be the single girl when everyone else is holding hands going home together. That just depresses me and has prevented me from going out at all, but thise prevents me from meeting people as well. Im just kinda stuck.....

[BriarRose]

Yes, I think it's really hard to get over someone if you are not dating others.

[restingpieces]

I think its imperative to realize you can't fully move on until you develop feelings for another. Not that you can't be past the relationship, of course, but to learn you're still capable of seeing someone in that way.

 

The more experiences you have with significant others and having a love history, you begin to realize that when the mind wanders to romance, it generally thinks back to your most recent experience. So, yes, you should start to date (when you're ready!) so as to avoid any of those moments where you think back to a person you would rather just not have enter your mind.

 

I'll be the first to admit that over the past 6 years, after break-ups, I've found myself lying in bed the next morning, thinking: "Woman! Why did you just do that?!" But the mistake of bringing a random home is way more easy to tolerate than: "I wonder what he's doing... I wonder if he misses me... where did I go wrong?"

[In the Dark]

I agree with the two previous posters above.

 

The World does not like to believe this but it is true.

As you have fresh new memories to throw over the old ones which wee given either to the one who hurt you or the one you felt wasn't good enough because you wanted better.

 

Makes it much easier to forget.

[Psychomagnet]

And here I thought as I came here tonight that I was the only one feeling this at this very moment...wow!

 

The healthiest way to get over someone is solo, no other way is as complete or sane. However, it's also the most painful, strength building, scary, lonely way not to mention the longest.

 

It's a huge pat on the back not to use another to get over someone as there are soooooo many who do for a multitude of fear-induced reasons. Unfortunately for us....it's excruciating at times.

 

I too wish that another person who could captivate me as my ex did would just sweep in and make it all better, but in the end...who is really getting over whom? The ex that jumps into "love" with another(or in my ex's case, several) at lightning speed after a break up? or the one who actually had to endure all the pain, lonely nights, crying, uncertainty, fear, pain etc.

 

Avoidance/redirection is often a bandaid on a beheading. No matter how much they try to get away from feeling anything for you.

 

I too wish I didn't care at all, but there are times when despite better reason, you do and it can't be helped.

[getbiii]

love doesn't transfer, love stays. sometimes a new love may grow, but it won't transfer.

thats why it usualy is hard for rebounds to work because if there is love already the new love won't fit in. but after a long time it may push the old love out,

 

how ever memories don't eraser, and i think true love doesn't either. with time only pain does, one becomes stable and looks back at the relationship as something good that happened. the pain isn't there anymore

[GenoGeno]

No i would say it doesn't at all times. Sometimes you see all the things you missed in your ex with the new girl/guy....which is a risk you have to take.

[newlife24]

yea the hardest part about getting over someone is comparing them to the next person.

I have been there and done that and it really stings

[jenmar]

It can go either way, you can meet someone else and be completely happy and excited about it, or you can meet someone else and compare every little thing about that person to your ex and end up being more miserable than before.

 

I thought I was ready to date, but i am not sure now. I have gone on 4 dates with someone who is absolutly wonderful. He is the type of person i have been searching for... well at least I think so..

 

My boyfriend dumped me almost two months ago, but stopped talking to me only three weeks ago.

 

I am thinking of letting the new guy know I need some space for a few weeks.

he knows everything, I told him I need to take things slow and I still get bummed about my ex..but today I was really sad.. seems that the weekends are the worst, and as time goes on I really just miss talking to him.

anyway...

- so be sure if you do end up dating someone that they are aware you recently got out of a relationship, you do not want the new person to think you are ready for something you are not..

[Carus]

"does dating someone else really erase the last one? does love transfer?"

My ex left me saying she just wanted to be free and single. 5 weeks later she was with the guy she is still with today, 10 months later...

 

So I will go with yes, yes it does*

in most cases this is the way men cope with a break-up. Instead of confronting their feelings of loss and giving themselves time to heal, they jump from one girl to the next until they get what they need.

Hi ANM* Sorry but I take a little exception to that...

 

By saying 'Men' and 'They' you are encompassing all Men....and I can assure you that we are not all like that....

 

So both men and women do it....Its down to the individual and circumstance.

 

Ever Forward

K*

[prettynpinkish]

I understand what your saying too. I just broke up with my BF of 3 years. After a very long ..on again, off again relationship..He and i broke up and he went to be with someone else, right away in fact...I just could not understand how he could do that to US!...I thought we were in love. I know i ruined it the 1st year and a half. And he ruined it the 2nd year and a half. I guess we're even now?...hmmmm!

 

All i know is that he keeps trying to come back to me, and i keep telling him No!..He and i don't work together. He always has to be right and won't compromise on anything. And that drives me crazy!...He asked me to change, and i did!...Yet, he won't....And the one thing i never did..is cheat!..Even when we were broken up. I stayed single...And now since he called me back, i am right back to being lonely again and crying more tears!...I have quite a few men who i can date..I just can't get over him and i don't want to be with anyone else...I want him!....But, yet i know i can't go back anymore...Can't let him use me, or treat me like that anymore!....I am 45 and he is 55. I think i am more mature than he is!!....At least i can walk away and stop hurting him...But, i guess he does not care how long it hurts...Just so long as i feed his Effin' ego!!!......Anyhow, i wanted to reply to your comment because i liked what you had to say and it made me cry. The part about a grenade in the room, is so true!....And it does feel like groundhog day ..everyday!

 

Thanks for your comment!

Kelly

[chocolate_boy]

People who use another one as a means to squash the memories of their ex may "transfer that love" to the new person...but really, they are not actually loving the new person in their own right...the love they are transferring is simply the love of being in a new relationship and getting attention once again. It is the ego boost more than the love of the new person. In other words, it is not real love, it is rebound/ego boost love. The only thing real thing that gets transferred is pain...in other words, the pain you would be feeling simply gets transferred to the new person you date as they eventually realize you used them to get over someone else. These rebounds often end up with the person who rebounded realizing that they still love the ex even though they are with someone new.

.

 

This is totally true, I have first hand experience of it. I broke up with my gf years ago, got straight into something new, then 6 months later it was like someone flipped a switch, suddenly all the feelings I had for my current gf had gone and then all the feelings I repressed for my ex came back, I went through all the pain of the breakup 6 months after she did. She did it properly, grieved and then got with a new guy after some months of healing, I asked her back, of course she'd moved on by then.

 

It was scary how it happened though, I've never had a rebound since, I always ride the feelings out now.

[SemperRogue]

EXACTLY!!! *claps then bows*