so stressed. broken engagement, bad ex, bad job, feel at a loss

[buckley]

Im feeling really depressed and like i just want to sabotage everything that is good in my life so i can be alone and just deal with everything on my own n not worry about anyone but myself.

 

i am so stressed i feel like i just want to get in my car n not stop driving.

 

I guess my story is long because it has a big background, everything has built up and come to a head it seems.

 

so...going back a year...i was with a guy i had been with for 6 years, he had a job that was casual working at a gas station, he did nothing to help around the house (when he did it took him hours and he did a half arsed job), he worked from 6am to 12pm and did nothing the rest of the day. I worked full time in a very stressful job , did university at night and worked abother small pt job just so we could live.

he had trbl telling me about his feelings and altho i knew he loved me he never showed it very well or said it.

i loved him, well, so i thougth while i was with him. He used excuses like chronic fatigue to stay in bed all day and it was very hard looking after him for 3 plus yrs while he did nothing to help himself with this.

 

i worked with youth justice (young offenders) and studied psychology, i was proud of myself working in a job that ppl i studied with dreamed of doing, even before i had my degree. i was v lucky to gett his job without my degree yet n knew the experience would ensure a much easier chance into the field i would like to work in after i get my degree.

 

yet, the job itself was v difficult due to workplacve bullying, lies, no supervision or support, inconsistencies..the works! ppl would get fired uinfairly all the time and i would be daily abused by work colleagues esp my boss. Yet, i loved the actual job i did and thought bout my future and felt hyper responsibility to stay in the job due to my partners lackof income etc.

 

i ended up coming close to a breakdown and so i took annual leave and went to vsiit a friend in the states. My bf who was at this point my fiance couldnt come with me as he didnt get annual leave as he wa sonly casual. so i went alone.

 

my fiance emailed me twice out of 7 weeks. i was v upset.

 

when i got back he had done nothing to help me out of my stress, all i asked was that he look for a stable ft job so i could leave mine. i didnt need him to get one, i just needed him to look. he never did. at this point we were living with my parents as we had nowhere to live as our lease was up ehile i was away n he didnt bother to look for a new place to move into which he promised me he would whilst i was away.

 

i did end up leaving him. which was v hard. we were 3 months off from our wedding.

 

skip forward a yr, i had taken time off uni since my break up and worked ft in same job to cover my exspenses. i felt stuck. n v stressed cos of work conditions, yet i get paid VERY well, and get given any time off i need to work around my uni PLUS noone can get a job like mine without a degree and i know how good of a postion this is to have and how giving it up would mean working in retail or some other job unrelated to my wanted field etc. so i stick it out.

 

now im seeing someone new, yet my life is falling a part. i can no longer continue to work where i do even though i know its smart to stay for job prospects in the future and also cos of money. i earn nearly $30 an hr so i can afford to not work too many hrs n study at same time.yet if i leave this job which i feel i have to, i dont know how i will afford to live.

 

the only thing i can think of is to study full time. My dr says i have OCD and post traumatic stress and i am currently on medication and seeing a therpist for this. My ocd has gone unheard of for 6 yrs until now when it is full flared up duie to stress. i wash my hands until they bleed and cant leave the house for work most days cos i am phobic of it now. I have post traumatic stress from my workplace n am no scared to go to work.

 

my current partner is willing to support me while i study ft but i cant seem to allow this. n i dont know why.

 

i think my last rship did a lot of damage and i feel this crazy amount of hyper responisbilityu that i cant let go of. I also feel i cant depend on another person.

 

also, currently i am living with my bf and brother...,my brother is just like my ex and i am finding it v hard to live with him. i feel like i need to get rid of the negativity in my life to get better and to do this i feel i need to get my own place with my bf n quit my job. but i also feel i cannot afford to do this.

 

my bf seems to think we can. i knwo we cant.

 

i also worry that me studying ft n not working will stress me out just as much as i hate not working and feeling dependent.

 

yet i know i cant work at the moment as im not well enough.

 

i have also had my period for 7 months cos of stress. it is really effecting my health.

 

i just dont know what to do.

[treeclimb]

This is a short reply so please don't interpret it as being flippent. But how about you break your problems down and try and address one at a time. You could write them down as a list then look at one at a time - maybe with another person you trust to listen and could help or a counsellor - and look at possible solutions for each problem. Start with the most pressing problems first.

[medtec]

i think something that could do you really good is a website called 43 things. its a goal website. they have a popular goal a lot of people do called "list 5 things a day that i'm grateful for". good luck girl.