Im the other man......

[lostandhurt]

This will be the my last post on this thread.

She is not someone I would personally want in my life. You have been told what she wants you to hear and you have believed every word. She is a liar and a cheater. She has put her wants above her own child. She has been about as selfish as a person can be and will continue to be this way.

I wonder how proud your parents will be when they find out what a great son they raised? You will continue to justify and make excuses for her and yourself for as long as this fantasy lasts and then reality will sink in. I see you becoming interested in someone else one day and leaving the drama of this woman behind.

One wrecked marriage, one destroyed family, one confused and hurt child and one fantasy later you will go your own way. Only when it will happen is the question.

 

For all those trying to convince him to do the right thing I commend you but he has not accepted any of responsability of his actions as she hasn't. Until that happens there is no hope.

No matter what, I hope the child gets some therapy for what he will be going through.

 

A very sad ending that didn't need to end this way......

 

Lost

[turnera]

You are right it is selfish but she is no longer is in love with her husband.

If you were honestly trying to do the right thing, you would have done some research - there's plenty out there - and learned that the INSTANT she found another guy - you - who flattered her, the INSTANT, she convinced herself that she had a lousy marriage and was never in love or no longer in love or it will never work or he drove her to it or he was a bad husband...

 

Do you see how it works? Her brain is brainwashed. So she can live with the horrid guilt she SHOULD be experiencing for doing this to her husband - FAITHFUL husband - and INNOCENT child. Just so she can be selfish.

 

YOU ARE BOTH LIVING A FANTASY.

 

Of course you have wonderful times together. Of course you feel GOOD when you're together. Of course you are in love - you are living on the high that your hormones are sending through your body. The hormones that biologically FADE after the first two years (the hormones that keep the human being procreating). You are living in the rush of chemicals.

 

While you ruin a family, and distort a child's life. For your selfishness.

 

Of course you're in love. You don't have to pay bills. Or change diapers. Or figure out how to get the taxes paid. Or take out the trash. Or hold each other's head over the toilet when you're vomiting.

 

Who wouldn't be?

 

Shame on you.

[thathoopla]

Drop her with the intention of getting back together with her AFTER she divorces/separates from her husband. If the marriage truly is over the only way to ensure that you have *nothing* to do with it - or little as possible - is to take yourself out of the picture and let nature take its course... you have to convince HER you're out of the picture.

 

My personal opinion is she will stick with her hubby if you're out of the picture - and there goes your her "marriage is on the verge of being over" argument. However, if she does leave him... then I believe you have a chance - albeit, a small one.

 

That was a great post.

 

If she does leave her husband for you and you two end up together -- how do you know she will not cheat on you? Because she says you are her love? She took a public vow for her husband. Words obviously mean little to her.

[G-Snap]

Well, i think the intrigue of her being unavailable is what got you going for her....and for her it was the intrigue that she shouldn't even have you in the first place.

 

From this point onwards its been like an emotional rollercoaster.

 

Yea, affairs always ARE an emotional rollercoaster and people who engage in them get addicted to the 'rush' and drama. Once they become real full fledged relationships (if they ever do culminate into one) they turn out just like any other regular relationship and the allure quickly fades as the two parties engaged enjoyed the 'roller coaster' way more than they realized.

 

This is when the cracks in her marriage appeared. She told me she has been unhappy in her marriage for 2 years and is only with her husband as he is the father of her child.

 

Oh yes. Common ploy of someone in a relationship who is dipping their foot in the pond of forbidden water. You have no idea what is really going on in her relationship, and for lack of better words, you have no business knowing. That is a union between her and her husband, and if it is rocky she needs to work on repairing it (she has a wee child for Gosh sakes) or work towards a separation if it is irreparable. Chasing you and playing footsies isn't going to help her marriage get less 'rocky' is it?

 

Not trying to just come down hard on you, but your post is just classic forbidden fruit syndrome. I'd suck it up and take the heartbreak you will endure once it ends and be done with it. Let her clean up her marital house before she goes chasing clouds and rainbows with you.

[lionquack]

I can assure you the time she has been away she has been trying to work on fixing her marriage. She would not have come clean and told her husband everything if she wanted to continue lieing to him.

 

She has come to the realisation that after confessing our affair that he will never trust her and she will never have a good life again with him.

 

Yes..it is true my continual contact with her is not helping her fix her marriage.

 

I think our affair being a fantasy could be partly true but I know I have never wanted another women as much as I want her in my life.

 

The more I try not to think about her and not try not to contact her the more I get a craving. She is like my drug. I need her. I don't think I will find in a another women what I found in her.

 

if she decides to stay in her country and leave her job and life in the UK for the sake of her marriage I will have no choice but to let her go. I understand she stands to lose a hell of allot more than I do.

 

If she is to separate then there is a chance for us.....

[lionquack]

No word from her for 2 days now. She may be trying to practice NC as this is a very difficult situation for her. I am going crazy without the not knowing of what the outcome will be.........

[FarthestEdge]

No word from her for 2 days now. She may be trying to practice NC as this is a very difficult situation for her. I am going crazy without the not knowing of what the outcome will be.........

 

You are partly in control of the outcome. YOU choose your actions.

 

CHOOSE to move on without her. Don't tell me you can't. If she died, you'd have no choice. Well the truth is, the woman you think she is, does not exist. A married woman with a child is masquerading as the woman of your dreams. But would the woman of your dreams be a cheater????

 

Let her disappear into the mist. Let the fantasy die. Move on with your life & leave her in peace to salvage her marriage, or end it for the right reasons. NOT for you.

[lionquack]

I wish I could move on.....honestly the way I have been feeling and how miserable I am just to make the pain go away.

 

Believe me I am not happy with my actions and not getting any thrill from this situation.

 

I know what the right thing to do is.........I think her silence shows she is trying to move on...maybe I should giver her the space to do so.....

[Sanesoul]

I wish I could move on.....honestly the way I have been feeling and how miserable I am just to make the pain go away.

 

Believe me I am not happy with my actions and not getting any thrill from this situation.

 

I know what the right thing to do is.........I think her silence shows she is trying to move on...maybe I should giver her the space to do so.....

 

Please do. It's the best thing to do in this situation, the ONLY thing you should do.

[turnera]

Call your mother and tell her what you've done. See what she says.

[FarthestEdge]

Call your mother and tell her what you've done. See what she says.

 

I have never dated a mother before and she has that motherly instinct which has been missing from my life since my mother passed away 6 years ago.

 

uhmmm....this is part of the problem. He sees her as a mother figure too....

[pixie1985]

I just got involved with someone, my marriage is crap, no kids, I had sex with him last nite.. best.ever. I keep day dreaming about this, i can't get him off my head, and my only question is, what the heck is going through his mind, and is he thinking abou this as much as I am...? you seem to be on the other side of the fence

[turnera]

uhmmm....this is part of the problem. He sees her as a mother figure too....

 

Right, forgot.

 

Call your father. So he can put a boot up your behind.

[turnera]

I just got involved with someone, my marriage is crap, no kids, I had sex with him last nite.. best.ever. I keep day dreaming about this, i can't get him off my head, and my only question is, what the heck is going through his mind, and is he thinking abou this as much as I am...? you seem to be on the other side of the fence

 

He's probably thinking what any person who schtups a married woman thinks: she's cheap and easy and dumb. All I have to do to get free sex is play on her marriage issues.

 

What would your mother think?

 

Do the right thing and divorce your husband BEFORE you have sex with other men. You owe your husband AT LEAST that much.

[lionquack]

Yes the sex is amazing....thats why I think she came to see me everyday. I was thinking of her as much as she was thinking of me.

 

But over these past 2 days I have been beating myself up and because of the comments on this thread which have been insiteful.

 

We have both been NC 3 days now. Its getting a tad easier now mainly cus I have been very busy.

 

Now I intend to stick to NC for real as I have realised she is probably trying to move on and work on her marriage hence her not replying to my last text 3 days ago. I must give her this chance and only when and if SHE wants to finish her marriage can we reconnect.

[turnera]

I'm proud of you. Your parents would be, too.

[mikem]

That's the way it goes... Agreed...

[mikem]

Didn't read through entire thread. Wrote something else, thinking you hadn't gotten out, but realize now that you had. Glad you have been standing strong. Great job! NC is the way to go. God bless...

[minou]

You stated you were a womanizer until she came along. That just means you are drawn to the unavailable. Once you snag a woman, you're done with her. As another person stated, you would tire of her once you have her, over time. I find it hard to believe you thought her husband selfish to not want her to return to the UK to keep her away from you. How unbelievably selfish that was of you. I don't feel you genuinely care about her, the torment this may be putting her through. Right now you are trying to stay NC because you haven't heard from her. When you hear from her let her know she needs to resolve her marriage before you would consider talking to her anymore. The sad thing is, if she ends her marriage in the meantime, you'll probably have moved on by then. Go get some therapy and find out why you've only wanted what's unavailable. The thrill of the chase is not the best part of a true, lasting love. It would be so sad if you never got to experience the incredible experience the latter can be.

[lionquack]

you know for a while I thought we were destined for each other....and we even thought god was on our side.

 

The latest news is after a 'few days' of NC we spoke on FB. I then called her and we spoke for 2 hours. She told me she will HAVE to stay in her country as she ahs no other choice. Her husband has told her he loves her but cant be with her for a while or maybe forever. He has told her she must stay with their son and has taken her sons passport as he knows she will not leave her son. He is doing this to stop her returning to the UK so we can continue our 'affair'.

He has also left her with no money and is due to return to the UK himself tomorrow.

 

She wants to come back to the UK as she no longer wants to live in her country as he life is now in the UK. She is paying for the infidelity big time now and I feel bad that I had some part in this. I did not want this hurt, turmoil and pain for her...EVER. Before she came back to her country she had everything...now she has nothing....

 

She has asked me to move on and find another as she thinks she is a 'bad women' and 'evil' and she does not deserve me or her husband. She has hit rock bottom.

 

I have offered to send her money to support her but she will not accept this. I have also offered her a ticket back to the Uk with her son and the offer to live with me but she has not taken me up on this.

 

Despite all this...I still want her. Maybe I am just a lovestruck puppy who is hungry for the love I felt with her...even with a married women (or is she...they are now separated).

 

I am a guy...I shamefully admit I cry for this women and think about her all the time....this is how I know I love her....despite what others on ENA may think they know.

 

I will try to heal but this will take me a while...I don't think HONESTLY neither her or me are willing to break contact all together.

[turnera]

She CAN'T come to the UK because her son now has no passport - THANKS TO YOU.

 

STOP RUINING THIS WOMAN'S LIFE BY DOING SOMETHING THAT IS WRONG AND IMMORAL AND LEAVE HER ALONE.

[Sanesoul]

You reap what you sow. I can't say I feel sorry for her one bit.

[rose666]

If she's so amazing in every way, why would she do this to her husband, and her child? Why not either end the marriage properly before looking elsewhere for love, or try to work on the marriage.

 

You are idealizing this woman due to your infatuation.

 

I couldn't have said it better myself. Why not either end the marriage properly before looking elsewhere for love???? They use all these excuses like "Because of my child." "Because of the family unit." Except maybe in the rarest exception, the truth is a.) they love their spouse and don't want to leave; b.) they are just sexually bored but have NO intention of leaving their family c.) in fact they ARE miserable in their marriage, but they choose to be. They are too chicken, or scared, or self-dstructive, or lazy, or whatever, to get out and live up to how they really feel. In any case, they are weak, confused, messed up people who you do NOT want in your life.

[Demlynp0726]

As a woman who has been on both sides of this situation, I'm going to answer very straight from the hip.

 

First of all, the truth is, around six years into marriage (often sooner) a couple tends to get comfortable and caught up in the "business" of running a household. Taking care of the kids, the bills, the groceries, what's for dinner, who has to be where, who's picking up and dropping off, putting the kids to bed, the laundry, cutting the grass, cleaning the bathrooms, taking the garbage out, fixing the dripping sink, how to pay for braces, Aunt Sally's birthday, and on and on...

 

It is VERY easy to lose sight of your partner as a romantic interest or a sexual creature when you spend so much time focusing on the business that has to be conducted. In fact, the moment one spouse lays eyes on the other, the first things that come to mind are often business related "Oh, did you sign (child's) field trip form?" Sometimes, silence is welcomed in the marriage because it means a break from the business in life.

 

This is where the doorway opens to infidelity in a marriage. Someone else walks into the life of one of the spouses - in this case, the wife. Several things happen for her. First of all, for the first time in a very long time, she notices that someone is interested in HER. It is engrained deeply in all of us to attract a mate. When a potential mate is responsive to our signals, it feeds that natural instinct to move to the next level. The natural instinct is to capture the mate. To win. This certainly isn't what she's thinking though. She is more likely thinking "Wow, I still have it” or "Wow, someone is interested in ME" or "Wow, someone thinks I'm sexy" or a multitude of other things along those lines. The bottom line is, IT feels GREAT but IT's not YOU.

 

It's the FEELING that the positive reinforcement gives to her. She now feels good about herself thanks to a little positive input. Now she feels special again - like she has some worth, maybe. She likes the way that input made her feel, so she returns to the source for refueling. Truth is, she could get that from just about anywhere - including with her husband. It's best if she were not dependent on outside reinforcement to feel good about herself. There's a clue. There's something within herself that needs to be resolved and it doesn't have to do with anyone else in the world - it's her own self-image or insecurity.

 

It's here, where she longs to receive that input and experience that feeling again where a need has come to surface and she makes a critical choice. The critical choice she makes is WHERE she turns, or more precisely, to WHOM she turns for that reinforcement. In this case, it just so happens to be you. It’s not you because she knows everything about you and loves you and has chosen you for a mate at this point – it’s you because you massaged her ego and there was a reward in it for her. She is going to pursue that feeling again. She probably has no intention at this point of cheating. She likely considers it harmless and fun. Through continued contact, reinforcement, and the subsequent “high” she experiences, she becomes addicted – or more dependent on the input. Eventually, she may begin to feel guilty and try to pull back, now recognizing she is treading on dangerous territory. When she does pull back, she feels a loss without the reinforcement. The loss hurts her. She’s addicted to the high. She now feels she can’t live without it and she returns to the source. Eventually, she will become so determined to return to the source and to regain that feeling that she will initiate the crossing of the line into infidelity herself. This happens for several reasons: the natural instinct to capture the mate has taken over, she wants to “make up” for pulling away from you, she wants to prove that she deserves more positive reinforcement to you, she wants to reward you or show that she appreciates the input you are feeding her ego, she feels the need to prove her dedication to you so you won’t get frustrated and give this kind of reinforcement to another person because she may lose it to that person for good, she has grown accustomed to the level of input you have been giving her (the newness of that has worn off) and she needs MORE to feel elated, or maybe she mistakes the high that your input gives her for love.

 

When a couple has been together for a long time, we begin to know what to expect in a kiss from our partner or how our partner’s skin feels against our own. We grow accustomed to their pace, their rhythm. Their scent is familiar and blends into the room. We’ve long ago left the era of taking leave from all the hustle and bustle of life to dedicate time to courting and capturing our mate. We’ve captured our mate. We’ve made them our own. The new car scent and infatuation with our new car fades and before long, we just routinely get in the car without stopping to look at it or smile. We just get inside and take off in our dependable ride. We know what to expect and it is comfortable. It’s not new any longer. It’s not the new gadget where we try this and try that – trying to explore every feature so we thoroughly know how it works. We assume by now that we already know. We believe we know our partners like the back of our hands and like a light switch that we flip without looking, our partners and our relationships begin to fade into the background of familiarity. Something has to happen or change in the relationship to bring it back to the forefront. Both of the people in the relationship have the power to do that. It can be initiated by just one making the effort and capturing the attention of the other. BOTH partners are responsible for choosing to leave it this way or doing something about it.

 

So now the line has been crossed. There’s a newfound excitement in being with someone new and different. There’s anticipation not knowing when the touch or kiss will come, or how it will feel. It’s scary at times not knowing if the new partner will like the way you kiss or are intimate between the sheets. Every aspect of it is new. It’s the new gadget with all the cool features that you haven’t explored yet. Its new input - new sensations - an awakening of physical and emotional feelings that have gone into hibernation. There’s a need to continue exploring and learning every feature, feeding more and more excitement and growth. This growth isn’t just a growth of the relationship but more personal growth through more experience gained. The older we get the less inhibition we have in exploring and the more experience we bring into a relationship and a bedroom. So the cheating spouse thinks that they are experiencing a comfort or connection they never had with their spouse when their relationship first started. All of this adventure, the uninhibited lust, and the subsequent high are commonly mistaken for LOVE.

 

You begin to believe that what you are experiencing with the married woman is love too. Look at how “into” you she is. (Remember, it’s the feeling she gets from the input you provide her ego that she’s after) She is taking chances. She is risking so much to be with you. She must love you, right? You may even believe you are “soul mates.” You begin to believe that what you have found is “the real thing” and that you will be together forever. Then you realize there’s a problem with that dream: the husband she hasn’t left. When is she going to leave him? Why hasn’t she left him? You think of the deep emotional bond and the phenomenal sexual experience you just shared with her and you suddenly think “Oh my God, what if she has this with him too?” You realize you don’t like or want to share her. You begin to wonder the pecking order. You reason that she is a good mother and she is staying only for her children. Nonetheless, the insecurity gets you talking about it.

 

Meanwhile, she has been leaving your side and going home to her husband and children. Although all of the business that has been there before is still there, suddenly, her feelers are on high alert. She notices now when her husband is looking at her. He begins to sense the distance growing between them as she spends more and more time away from him and the children. He misses her. He begins to do nice things to get her attention. She notices. She feels guilty about accepting his kindness and affection. Sometimes he touches her heart and sometimes she lashes out at him. Her guilt wants to find fault with him in order to justify her behavior. She makes love to him. Sometimes she makes love to him to cover her tracks, sometimes to see if she can invoke the same passion in bed with him – and often exceeds the passion she has with you, sometimes because she wonders if it will be the last time, sometimes because she feels guilty and wants to make it up to him, sometimes because he knows her body so well that she has bigger orgasms with him, sometimes simply because she loves him.

 

And now you are talking about it. She tells you she is not having sex with her husband but she is lying to you. Not because she wants to lie or wants to hurt you. She lies because she doesn’t want you to know the ugly truth that she is capable of giving herself to two different men at the same time while deceiving both of them. She is living a double life. To her credit, she is ashamed. So ashamed, that she doesn’t want to admit this to you. If she told you the truth, you might withhold from her. You might see her in a light that changes how you feel about her or treat her. Either way, she isn’t willing to be honest with you and risk losing the high she gets from your attention. She is not willing to risk losing the excitement that comes from having a secret pact with another person to get away with something forbidden and not get caught. She is going through a selfish phase right now where she requires the attention and reinforcement of two men, instead of being satisfied with just one man. The truth of the matter is, if you ended the relationship right now, she would go into a serious withdrawal and like an addict, beg for you to come back. Once it began to sink in that you were not coming back, she would do everything in her power to find a replacement to give her that reinforcement to feed her high. She will likely attempt to find another man or she will commit herself to her husband on a whole new level, making a stronger, happier marriage. Should you give her an ultimatum that you refuse to be with her as long as she is living as a married woman; you will probably find that she has excuse upon excuse for not leaving her husband. You will have to follow through and not allow the relationship to continue to find out what it is that she is truly committed to.

 

The truth is, everything she is sharing with you is available to her at home. If she had invested the same effort into the relationship with the man at home, he would have responded. He wasn’t given the opportunity. Your rewards come from where you invest yourself. She could have invested in him but she found it easier to pursue a relationship outside the home because the relationship outside the home came with bonuses that a committed relationship does not have. Yes, the relationship at home has bonuses that an affair doesn’t have but let’s explore the bonuses of the outside relationship. The outside relationship is completely new and new is exciting and refreshing. The outside relationship does not share responsibilities. There are no house payments, electric bills, grocery shopping, dishes, dripping faucets, broken toilets, children screaming and fighting, pick-up and drop-off schedules for daycare to divvy between you, etc. The outside relationship is reality-free – an escape – a vacation. If you were successful in replacing her husband’s position in her life and began sharing all the business aspects of maintaining a household, you may find yourself in the same position as her husband one day because she hasn’t learned to feel good about herself without reinforcement from outside. She also hasn’t learned to work through the parts of marriage that can get mundane and how to invest herself into what she has at home. She does know one thing though, new is exciting. How long does new last?

[JLE]

I can relate with everything you're going through. OW and I tried no contact countless times. Most often it would last less than a week. It's amazing that the latest time was 3 months. You're right, the other person is like a drug. The 3 months OW and spent in NC was the most agonizing period in my life. I thought about her constantly and cried many times. I can understand OP's struggles surrounding breaking up her child's home. This is exactly what I'm dealing with right now. Everything we're doing is so completely wrong but when you're in love it's tough to deny it.