Live in MIL issues

[annie24]

have you guys asked her to pay rent?

[Seraphim]

Because she doesn't want to move. Why make this more difficult than it already is?

 

Who the heck would move if they got everything for free??!! I would sure be dang content too.

[Ac143]

have you guys asked her to pay rent?

 

see my last update.......

[DN]

Who the heck would move if they got everything for free??!! I would sure be dang content too.

That isn't answering the question as to why the research needs to be done by the OP rather than trying to make a woman who doesn't want to move anyway do it.

 

The whole point here is to try and get the mother-in-law out of the house and making it a war, making it who does what, making it more and more difficult by placing blame and responsibility on other shoulders won't help anyone - nor will it accomplish anything without a great deal of unnecessary unpleasantness and strife.

 

What we have here is daughter-in-law who wants her difficult mother-in-law out of the the house, a mother-in-law who doesn't want to go and a son and husband who is being torn in two by the responsibilities he feels both to his wife and his mother.

 

It's all very well to quote marriage vows but there is also a commandment to honour thy father and mother and even if one isn't religious there is still a sense of filial duty that honourable people feel toward their parents, even difficult parents, and it isn't easy for them to forsake them. So the easier this can be made all round the better for everyone.

 

People should remember that they too may have a daughter-in-law or son-in-law who don't like them one day - things aren't always as simple as they appear from only one perspective.

[Seraphim]

I am not thinking of one perspective.

[Ac143]

DN - Am I suppose to do the research and then me or hubby present it to her?? I dont understand..I mean I can do it in one day..no big deal. BUT she would go nuts if we even tried to tell her what is what. She is very stubborn, thinks she is always right and if we did that she would think we think very low of her & would start an even bigger argument.

 

My husband is in a horrible position & I am the first one to say...family comes first. Sheesh I told him to have them move in, I would love nothing more then having all of our family living together or close by, but she's just miserable. There is NOTHING happy about her...she is miserable 24/7 and making our lives very very difficult. Everyone that knows me says I have changed from a happy go lucky person to someone miserable & that's because you CANT be happy around her...she will look at you like you are crazy for even attempting to be happy. She expects us to sit in the living room and chat with her 24/7 but when she's in a bad mood she hides in her room for days. We are not allowed to close our door cause she will take offense to it & our room is right off the living room so everyone sees everything going on. We get ZERO privacy...which is hard for a newlywed couple. Yet she doesn't see us that way, she thinks we are there to make her happy all the time. I dont have the energy for it anymore. I am always uncomfortable and waking on eggshells in my own home.

 

I cry cause I know this is hurting my husband too, yet we're stuck..well he's stuck...I can always pick up and leave once enough is enough.

[DN]

Well, what are the alternatives? You either have to accept the situation as it is or you have to try something.

 

At some point, someone, preferably you and your husband together, are going to have to approach her about moving out. And maybe his brother as well. But if you just say - "we want you to move out" all hell will break loose.

 

She's going to want to know why - so you need to have clear, believable and non-offensive reasons. So start thinking about what to say other than "you get on my nerves".

 

Then she is going to object that she has nowhere else to go - and that is where the research comes in. Because you will be able to present alternative places, have brochures, real estate agents literature, rental costs or whatever. costed out and with solutions to the various difficulties she might come up with as reasons not to move.

 

You need to be polite but firm - "this is the decision and we will help you as best we can". Then if she turns nasty, your husband will know that you ave done your best and it will ease his conscience a little.

[Ac143]

DN - well here is the problem, my hubby already told her in their last talk after their fight "I think you moving out would be best for all of us" a few times & somehow it turned into her not moving out, she said "I'll let you know at the end of the week if I'm moving" & its been 2 weeks now and she's acting like NOTHING happened. She is so cheerful and pleasant meanwhile I'm miserable and can't stand her now.

 

I'm aggravated at my husband more then anything at this point. He told me this was it and its not & he hasn't talked to her or asked her about "her decision" yet. But wants me to be ok with the situation and entertain her...no thanks. The lady said she doesn't like me and now being nice to me...... that's call two faced.

 

I might just have to stick this out until she pulls one more of her epsiodes and tell him enough is enough. I just wanted to know if I'm nuts for wanting her out.?!?! I can't picture living my whole life like this...what should be the happiest time of my life has become the worse.

[DN]

No - you are not nuts for wanting her out. But i do think you need to be more calm when dealing with your husband over this, because crying and being so emotional won't serve you.

[Ac143]

No - you are not nuts for wanting her out. But i do think you need to be more calm when dealing with your husband over this, because crying and being so emotional won't serve you.

 

I know crying doesn't help & probably makes it worse, its just hard to control right now. Any emotion I have brings out crying...be it happy, sad, anger, hate etc etc lol. I dont think I can have a rational converstation about this until my pregnancy is over. I am not the same logical person I was when it comes to her. I just want her out and I want her out NOW which I know isn't going to happen that easily.

 

Im just so sad I got myself in this type of situation. Left my parents to be with him, yet it seems like he doesn't care that I'm miserable now. My family is missing my pregnancy & their first grandchild something this woman doesn't give two craps about... I would NEVER let my parents say they dont like my husband and then expect him to suck it up. He wont say crap to her because she will get offended. I would yell at my parents...its just a totally different relationship.

[Seraphim]

I know crying doesn't help & probably makes it worse, its just hard to control right now. Any emotion I have brings out crying...be it happy, sad, anger, hate etc etc lol. I dont think I can have a rational converstation about this until my pregnancy is over. I am not the same logical person I was when it comes to her. I just want her out and I want her out NOW which I know isn't going to happen that easily.

 

Can you just avoid her until it is possible to be more reasonable?

[Ac143]

Can you just avoid her until it is possible to be more reasonable?

 

I am avoiding her as much as possible, but then we get into the situation where my husband doesn't know what to do. I sit in our room on the computer or watch tv and she sits in the living room watching tv but expects him to sit out there with her & watch what she wants to watch. So he does & this is where I get mad...why can't we spend some time ALONE??? for god sakes...the guy was gone for a week just got home and I can't even hang out with him ALONE??? because she will get offended!!! But her other son...doesn't leave his freakin room....ever.

[DN]

Can you two go away together for a week or a long weekend? Maybe Easter with your family?

[Seraphim]

I am avoiding her as much as possible, but then we get into the situation where my husband doesn't know what to do. I sit in our room on the computer or watch tv and she sits in the living room watching tv but expects him to sit out there with her & watch what she wants to watch. So he does & this is where I get mad...why can't we spend some time ALONE??? for god sakes...the guy was gone for a week just got home and I can't even hang out with him ALONE???

 

I would be mad too. You know though. You are right he needs to get some you know whats. He is playing monkey in the middle and the whole deck of cards is going to come down sooner or later. If it was me I would be going to sit in MY living room and I would be changing it to what I WANT to watch and I would sit there with MY husband and keep looking at her. Eventually he is going to have to make a decision. It is OK to honour one's mother and father but when they have NO respect for you that is hard. When they just want to sit and be a sponge and drink that is something else as well. Then there is the fact all this emotion and strife is not good for your baby as they can feel it and you should be enjoying your pregnancy not crying.

[Ac143]

Can you two go away together for a week or a long weekend? Maybe Easter with your family?

 

I was going to go see my family for Easter, but dr told me not to fly.

 

We are going away for a few days not too far from here (driving distance) around my birthday which is the 15th so not too long from now. I need to get away and I'm sure he does too.

[Ac143]

Thanks for saying this, I thought this many times - but thought I was being a evil b**** thinking this way. I dont want to start a family war so I try to stay civil and not be mean, but when is enough enough? That's what I dont know. I'm so full of anger - with the way she treats me and my hubby. We do so much for her and she doesn't appreciate any of it, no thanks, no respect, nothing. If anything she just complains how awful we are and how horrible she has it.

 

I dont want to risk my marriage over this, but life is not too wonderful with her!!! :sad: We never had ANY issues until she moved in. I wish I can turn back time.

[DN]

I was going to go see my family for Easter, but dr told me not to fly.

 

We are going away for a few days not too far from here (driving distance) around my birthday which is the 15th so not too long from now. I need to get away and I'm sure he does too.

I think it would be a good idea to take this opportunity to talk quietly - and most importantly - in a non-aggressive and non-confrontational way about this situation with your husband and work out the best way to deal with it.

 

It will really not serve you to angry with him or to start insulting him as a husband or a man. How can that possibly help? All that will do is make a bad situation worse. Use tact and diplomacy instead of threats and insults.

 

There is an old saying "A daughter is a daughter for all of her life but a son is a son until he takes a wife" and that is about the traditional tension between two women pulling their husband/son in two directions. And what usually happens is that they tear him in half between them.

 

So don't do that. It won't solve anything except to make you even more miserable than you are now.

[Ac143]

Thanks guys, you all really helped me clear my head a bit. I do need to be more rational and talk to him when I'm not emotional.

[DN]

And - good luck with the pregnancy and birth. I am sure all will be well in the end.

[mandyc]

We can't afford to pay for 2 places....they wont pay the mortgage on the house & we can't get it foreclosed.

 

 

That would be their problem then wouldn't it? I mean if you two moved and put the house in their name they would have no choice. I have no idea why/ how you agreed to live with those two in the first place. It just seems so weird to live with not only his mother but his brother too. They all sound very codependent on each other. I mean you two are married and have a baby on the way! You do not need this stress. It isn't like this woman is sick and disabled and you are refusing to take care of her.

 

I would go absolutely nuts in this situation and don't know how you have handled it as long as you have. You two are married now! You have a baby on the way! You should be the priority, the son and mother can live on their own. It is time for your husband to grow up and get out of this weird/ codependent relationship he has with his family. Being a good and caring son and being manipulated are two very different things.

 

If things didn't change I would leave, for the sake of my sanity, health, and my baby. And maybe it would help your husband to wake up a little. However this is drastic and you should ovbiously try all the other methods that the others have suggested.... but for goodness sakes enough is enough.

[lavenderdove]

You are never 'stuck' in a situation, you just have to be willing to pay the price to change it.

 

How old is your MIL? I can understand it is a bad thing to boot a frail 80 year old woman out, but if she is under 70 and in good health and with $300K, you have no reason to have her live with you that is so compelling you can't change your mind if it is not working out.

 

This will require a price to pay though, because you have to address it to make it happen. So I think the best bet is either (a) selling the house and taking the loss as the price you pay to get her out of the house. The problem is if you are sharing a kitchen, she is not truly in a MIL apt., where you can lock the door and have privacy... she is living with you, even if she has her own room bathroom, if she has free range of the house.

 

If you are not willing to take the $30K loss and move where she can't come, then you are going to have to confront it directly and just be honest, that it is not working out and as a young couple you don't feel like you have enough privacy so she and her other son need to move out. She may rail against it, but that is really the truth. And she certainly has sufficient assets to buy herself another house and place to live, and has no health reasons for needing to live with you.

 

So sooner or later you and your husband (or your husband alone) needs to sit them down and tell them that the presence of others in the household is putting stress on the new marriage, and you need time alone. That is a perfectly acceptable choice, and it is your home, so you can decide who lives there. Your husband can tell them he'll help them look for a house to buy or a place to rent, then make that a plan to every Saturday spend time taking her out and looking for a new house and helping her thru the rental or purchase times, until they choose a new place.

 

And if they still won't budge after a reasonable time, then he needs to demand that they page a LARGE rent that will cover 1/2 the mortgage costs (since they are 2 of the 4 adults living there), as well as half the electric, food, gas, home maintenance etc. In other words, make it less attractive for her to live there, and maybe she will decide to move on her own.

 

But i would only offer that possibility to her if you are willing to continue living with her. If you're not, then you have to bite the bullet and tell her that she needs to start looking for another place since you need privacy as a young couple.

 

In the meantime, you can also establish 'me' times where she is very clearly told that you need privacy in all parts of the house where they don't come in unless it is an emergency, so that the living room is 'yours' and the doors can be closed and anything else you need. Too bad if she doesn't like it, she just has to accept it.

 

Honestly, if she were a decent MIL, she wouldn't want to intrude on your time/space as a young couple, but obviously she wants to have free everything, not have to work, and have her own way. That works for her, but not for you, so she needs to be told very specifically what is and isn't acceptable to you. Yes, she's your MIL, but she's an adult and needs to recognize that you have rights, especially considering it is YOUR house and she is living there for free.

 

Frankly, i think $30K is an OK price to pay to get out of this situation, if you and your husband are not willing to address it head on by telling her it just isn't working out and that she needs to start looking for another place to live.

 

The other thing you could offer to do is to let her rent the whole house from you for herself and her son, and you and your husband move out to somewhere else. If you have a rental agreement on an old house, you can buy a new house while still holding the old house as a rental property, as long as you have a lease to prove the house is rented. But you have to get her to sign a lease for that to work. Or if she has $300K, why not let her buy the house from you?

 

Just have all the alternatives prepared, then have a discussion with her as to ways to solve the dilemma, whether that is her paying half the expenses, or her buying her own place, or her renting the whole house from you and you moving, or you tell her you are selling the place and moving into a smaller house that won't accommodate her since you won't be working. Just have all the alternatives prepared, and then negotiate with her.

 

If she refuses to negotiate, then that's when your husband has to drop the hammer and tell her it isn't working out and she needs to find her own place, and he can actively take her out to do that.

[Ac143]

And - good luck with the pregnancy and birth. I am sure all will be well in the end.

 

Thank you DH

 

That would be their problem then wouldn't it? I mean if you two moved and put the house in their name they would have no choice. I have no idea why/ how you agreed to live with those two in the first place. It just seems so weird to live with not only his mother but his brother too. They all sound very codependent on each other. I mean you two are married and have a baby on the way! You do not need this stress. It isn't like this woman is sick and disabled and you are refusing to take care of her.

 

I would go absolutely nuts in this situation and don't know how you have handled it as long as you have. You two are married now! You have a baby on the way! You should be the priority, the son and mother can live on their own. It is time for your husband to grow up and get out of this weird/ codependent relationship he has with his family. Being a good and caring son and being manipulated are two very different things.

 

If things didn't change I would leave, for the sake of my sanity, health, and my baby. And maybe it would help your husband to wake up a little. However this is drastic and you should ovbiously try all the other methods that the others have suggested.... but for goodness sakes enough is enough.

 

Our mortgage company wouldn't let us "sign over the papers" to someone that doesn't have a job lol. She wouldn't just sign for the mortgage either & we can't force her.

 

My husband hasn't lived with his family since he was 18yrs - around 14yrs now so I'm not sure why he is the way he is with his mother. Maybe cause his dad passed & he feels obligated to take care of her? IDK. He is usually a very strong person, at least in all aspects of his life just not with her. Dont get me wrong he gets very mad & sees the problems too, I think he just doesn't know how to handle it without having a family fued.

 

We will sit down and talk about this soon, he knows how upset I am especially after yesterday outburst

[DN]

Did I misread or was it you that suggested she move in in the first place?

[Ac143]

Lavenderdove - she is just going to turn 55 but acts like she's turning 90...the woman isn't that "sick" either she has health issues because she drinks & mixes meds with it...Then wonders why she has high blood pressure? She even went on a job interview & got it but said "the company is too small I dont want to work there" are you kidding me??? Then says she never wants to work again...

 

When my husband talked to her last he told her its not working. Then she said things like "well I'm too old to keep moving" "next time I move is my final time" Meanwhile we aren't looking to stay here forever maybe a few more years because where we live where there are zero jobs in our field so if hubby loses his job we have to move. So that leaves MIL here (where she hates) she complains she left tampa after 20yrs to live here & now we are looking to leave. Which we aren't YET but it might happen, she just doesn't understand that we need to go where there are jobs. She thinks my hubby should take a 25K job if need be...meanwhile he makes over six figures now, umm how can we afford the bills on that?

 

We talked about our privacy time and stuff ...hubby thinks if we say something she will get offended, she's not a good MIL - she will hold that against us. I can complain & give you examples all day long. I mean she complains she has to leave the house once a week to go get some food. Says we walk all over her cause we dont go with her. There are just so many problems & I feel like a child stuck in my own house, my parents told me to stay out of any problems they have - that they have to deal with them. So in the end, I will talk to hubby again and this time I want some clear/direct/solid answers/solutions.

[Ac143]

Did I misread or was it you that suggested she move in in the first place?

 

Well he ran it by me & I said yes of course I think it would be a great idea. She didn't know that though. He was the one that was hesitant....But I didn't know she had a drinking problem and so does the brother (I just dont want to get into his issues right now) My husband knew but not to this degree. He thought things would change because his mother complained she was miserable not being able to pay the mortgage, fights with his dad etc..now that was all gone he thought everything would be better.