Will doing this backfire my chances of getting back together?

[fLuiD]

You don't need to tell him all the realizations you have made since breaking up. I fyou want to show him anything, you need to show him the end result of the lessons you have learned through breaking up. Show him a better and improved you. No need to tell him you are on your way there...he will only want to see the new and improved you. This will take several months to accomplish, and possibly even years. Throughout this rebuilding, NC is a MUST!

[abigheart]

What!? Waaaaaaaah!!

 

Getting the 'stuff' out of the way now would be invading his personal space and his request for space. Don't you think you owe it to the two of you to give each other the space and time to grow? And to hold on to that contract and sense of respect?

 

Sending the message now is so cliche that it borders on the same lines a dumper would say to a dumpee. Such as, "you're amazing and you're gonna make someone very happy." "I love you but not in the same way and I wish you only the best."

 

See where I'm getting at with you sending that message this early on? Have something to show for, something that's really there, rather than just a message.

 

You're right in the sense that I need to respect his space...he asked for it the last time we talked on the phone which I shouldn't have done... And receiving a msg related to our relationship would be like what you had said earlier "floodgates opening." Esp. because the last time I e-mailed him back was a week ago and the msg had nothing to do with our relationship or my feeling sad. It was somewhat friendly but straightforward, short and sweet. I ended it okay and that was it, so I really shouldn't think I messed up already in some way. a;slejfaes

 

Sigh I think I'm doing for the most part ok but I think that's what's fueling me to feel ok sometimes is this feeling that we might have a shot way later down the road. It sucks to admit that I am holding onto that idea, but I don't know...I still have hope.

 

So you don't think I screwed up my chance to show him I want to grow and change, too? I feel like I should have maintained LC with him...ok dunno what I'ms aying now.

 

I bookmarked this thread so I can go back and read it to prevent me from doing anything stupid. So thanks

[abigheart]

You don't need to tell him all the realizations you have made since breaking up. I fyou want to show him anything, you need to show him the end result of the lessons you have learned through breaking up. Show him a better and improved you. No need to tell him you are on your way there...he will only want to see the new and improved you. This will take several months to accomplish, and possibly even years. Throughout this rebuilding, NC is a MUST!

 

Don't you think it would help him to know about my realizations so he himself won't feel bad about the break-up?

 

Sometimes I feel like since I'm doing NC, my ex thinks it's my way of shutting out the problem and that he's probably only focusing on the negative things I did since I haven't really 'fessed up to them or apologized over and over about 'em until now...to myself. He doesn't even know what I'm thinking right now, and I have to stop caring about that. but it's hard not to!

[Kahdeksan]

No, you do not want to maintain LC with him. I know it sounds tempting, and plausible, but it’s NOT. That is also NOT what he wants. You see, the trouble with LC is that it most likely would prevent you from healing and working on yourself. You’ll be distracted; becoming dependent on his replies to get you through the day or your difficulties. What’s worse is that you might even begin to invest too heavily into the hopes of a reconcile. When in reality, he is agreeing to an LC contract just to be nice, or to put you in a friend zone. What if he doesn’t reply? You’ll relapse again. What if he tells you of his other goals, his romantic pursuits? Will you be able to handle them? Both LC and keeping a constant contact are not a good idea to entertain.

 

LC is only viable if the two of you share a child or equity together. Otherwise it’s out of the question, not an option. So far though, you have not screwed up your chances. That is, unless you begin to initiate contact with him.

 

As for the feelings of the two of you coming together, that’s perfectly normal to hold onto those hopes. However, you should also keep in mind the possibility of him not coming back to you. As long as you know that anything can happen, and if they don’t go as you expect it to, you can regain some form of composure.

 

Become what you want to become, and have that to show him, not just words... Action speaks louder than words. Bless that chap who came up with that phrase, hopefully I’d have gotten through to you in saying that.

[feejruin]

Don't you think it would help him to know about my realizations so he himself won't feel bad about the break-up?

 

Sometimes I feel like since I'm doing NC, my ex thinks it's my way of shutting out the problem and that he's probably only focusing on the negative things I did since I haven't really 'fessed up to them or apologized over and over about 'em until now...to myself. He doesn't even know what I'm thinking right now, and I have to stop caring about that. but it's hard not to!

 

hey...you're overly focused on what HE thinks right here why worry about what he's thinking

[abigheart]

Yep, I really don't think LC would be a good idea for me right now either, it'd definitely mess with my head, and I would be waiting for his replies etc. I mean I got worked up a few weeks ago waiting for his reply to my e-mail so I can imagine how LC would throw me off and not allow me to move on.

 

Hahaha so yeah thank you again. I think you have gotten it through to my head.

 

 

[abigheart]

hey...you're overly focused on what HE thinks right here why worry about what he's thinking

 

Seriously, thanks for bringing that up heh. I think that was even my problem throughout the relationship sometimes, even if we were very close and comfy with each other. Sigh that's a sign.

[Kahdeksan]

Yep, I really don't think LC would be a good idea for me right now either, it'd definitely mess with my head, and I would be waiting for his replies etc. I mean I got worked up a few weeks ago waiting for his reply to my e-mail so I can imagine how LC would throw me off and not allow me to move on.

 

Hahaha so yeah thank you again. I think you have gotten it through to my head.

 

 

 

While I may have gotten through to you, it's vital that you acknowledge your relapses. They are bound to creep up on you sooner or later and when you least expect it to. So it's important to recognize this and to develop a coping mechanism to combat against the panic, anxiety and fears. Have a plan in place.

 

Keep a balance of emotions, allow thoughts of him to ebb in while not having the thoughts flood your mind.

 

I used to stroke my heart and reassured myself that this was coming and that the worse, when it comes will hit the fan. Whilst stroking my heart I'd reassure myself that I'm fighting it for a reason and that it's far more important then giving in to my fears. Whether you're fighting for his return or for yourself to mature, it's the same heart strokes.

 

Yeah, anyway I know it sounds gay, but it worked for me.

 

Stay strong!!

[minou]

Sorry to inject this in again, but I am with you on letting him know you are aware of the mistakes you made. Looking back right now, part of his perspective includes behaviors of yours that were difficult to handle, with no awareness on your part at the time. I think it's best to leave him with the knowledge that you are aware of how you may have contributed to pushing him away. I would send an email and say you are not writing this for a response, but simply to share your awareness of your own mistakes. Then go NC, with more peace in your heart. This thread has gone on for so long because, in your heart, you agree with me. You are not writing this to get him back, but because you feel a powerful need to let him know you are aware of your own mistakes. Think of it as a debriefing. When people go on an exploratory mission together, and a relationship is like that, the next time around works much better if they have debriefed after the first. Again, this is not to get him back now. Should he reach out in the future, you will have a clean slate, having already spoken your mind, and the past will be behind you. Perhaps he did not deserve the way you treated him at times. I believe in apologies. Again, sorry to inject my opinion again when others are trying to hard to persuade you otherwise. Perhaps they are having to work so hard at it because your heart has been firmly telling you what you want to do. Ask yourself if you will be ok not getting a response. Say you're not asking for one, this is for your own peace of mind.

[abigheart]

Haha I appreciate your honesty and bringing up the other side, minou Inject away as while I'm still maintaining NC, a small part of me still wants to get it out there. Kahdeksan has tried repeatedly to get me to see the other side and for the time being I have suppressed that urge to not e-mail him

 

I'm feeling swayed...just because basically what you have written is again, what I ultimately feel is the "right" thing to do. I feel like this because my ex is such an incredible, gentle and sensitive person. No "tough guy" anything about him, he's got a heart of gold. Yes, even if he dumped me. And so you're right, I really do feel more so than ever that he didn't deserve the way I treated him at times. Whether he comes back or not, I need peace of mind.

 

However, as Kahdeksan and others have tried to show, it would be better if I mentioned this ONLY if he were to bring it up/contact me. Plus, I feel like it's a little late now...we've been NC for a little more than a week, and broken up for a month. I just dont wanna rehash things and have him revisit them, although I'm sure he's still thinking about what's happened, too. I guess I don't want him to feel bad about breaking up with me. I feel like I'm demoting myself hardcore but meh, can't continue to be bitter.

[abigheart]

Gulp.

 

I went against most of you guys said, and I ended up emailing him. While I don't necessarily feel a giant weight has been lifted off from my shoulders, I feel okay in knowing that he won't respond back. I couldn't see myself moving on if I were to continue to harbor guilt. Clean slate, now it's my turn to really shine and move forward.

 

Please dont make me feel bad now

[minou]

You've made graceful, honest contact in the interest of truth with someone you respect. I'm sure he'll respect you for it. Warmest wishes to you for the future in every way. A guilt free heart is much easier to heal.

[abigheart]

I really hope he does respect me for it, and I hope I did the right thing despite the fact that I know I should have waited until he contacted me. Thanks for the encouraging words minou. Since I was the last to make any contact with him, though, I hope he's not thinking "not again..." when he reads my e-mail and doesn't think I'm still being clingy

 

Well, no more contact for awhile now, so that was it.

[abigheart]

So I sent an e-mail to him, was a bit longer than I thought and received an email just now. Can someone assess if his response was a good or bad thing? Heh I feel it's a good thing just 'cause he wasn't curt, and we're both on the same page in terms of going down our individual paths towards growth. But it's a very bittersweet feeling I guess and the fact that he's "happy" I'm embracing myself and life - I mean...I'm not exactly happy right now nor do I have it all figured out. Do you think I gave him too much of an impression that I was over it and am totally A-okay? Is that the vibe I should even be giving? I guess so, I mean lookin pathetic and desperate would just be worse, right? Sight whatever, I was surprised he responded back when I said there was no need to.

 

Dear _____,

 

Thank you for your email. I'm happy to know that you didn't hold back what was on your mind. I'm still here for you with open ears.

 

I can definitely relate to what you wrote. I have been learning about myself as well through this experience, and I've realized that I have some growing and maturing to do also. I think it's a harsh reality that sometimes it takes such painful experiences for us to grow and change. You already are a very mature person in my eyes, but of course what really matters is how you see yourself. It would be hypocritical for me to say "Don't be too critical of yourself." Maybe we have to be critical of ourselves in order to change for the better.

 

Emotions ran high for both of us a few weeks ago. It's hard to think about anything clearly at times like that. I think I know some of the things you're talking about that may have hurt me. Believe me when I say that those times were few and far in between. Of course we both upset each other at points here and there. That's understandable and normal. But I believe those moments were a small fraction of the time we spent together. Again, what really matters is how you see yourself. Identifying tendencies that you think should be changed, and then working toward changing them takes a lot of maturity and will power. I know I have some tendencies that need to be changed for me to be a more balanced person. I hope we both have strength to work toward changing and improving ourselves. It's definitely not easy, but most worthwhile things aren't.

 

Thanks again for your message. It makes me happy to see that you are embracing yourself and life. I hope the first draft of your thesis is coming along nicely, and your job hunt is successful. I know that you'll do well, and I think you know it too. Good luck, hope to talk to you again soon.

Sincerely,

______

[Kahdeksan]

bighearted, post this letter as a new post. That way you'll get more responses.

 

He's very mature, I'm quite impressed, but going by the email, he's nowhere near to reconciling, at least not yet. It also sounds like he'd like to keep these exchanges as friends only...

 

I guess you did what you felt you had to do... and nobody in here is gonna slam you for it. They are just way too nice.

 

Be ready to acknowledge that compelling urge again.... and somehow finding a way which allows you to take a step back.

[abigheart]

Hey Kahdeksan sorry I turned my back on what you had advised me not to do earlier. I hope you'll still be open to offering advice when the time comes! You're awesome

 

Yes, I was surprised he even replied. He is generally a mature person, not like any other 21 year old I've met that's for sure...But anyway, yeah I don't see anything about reconciliation either, and I'm ok with that right now. In fact, I didn't even scour his e-mail looking for anything about us getting back together. I feel a wave of calm, but still kinda feeling weird I guess because it's truly sunk in now. Yep, no more urges at least as far as I can tell.

 

I'll post this as a new thread...

[Kahdeksan]

Aw, gosh, you don't need to apologize, bighearted. I and the others will still continue to be here offering our support, so it's all good in that regard.

 

Who's to say that we didn't make all sorts of mistakes with our first relationship break up in our youth.

 

You're a good kid.