Pregnant and husband is being a jerk

[DN]

I am glad that this seems to be coming around a little. It is good that you are also looking at your own part in what is going wrong. Not just your reaction to anything he does but in your part in starting something.

 

Basically it is:

 

• what does he do that causes issues for you that he should change because they are unreasonable?
  
• what does he do that causes issues issues for you that you should deal with because they are not unreasonable?
  
• what do you do that causes issues for him that you should change because they are unreasonable?
  
• what do you do that causes issues for him that he should deal with because they are reasonable?
  

How can you compromise on any of these issues?

 

Are these issues things that occurred before the pregnancy? If they are then deal with them as if you are not pregnant.

 

If issues have arisen because of the pregnancy look at them in that context. e.g. if you usually share the chores but you are finding it hard to do one that you usually do because you are pregnant - will he do it for you?

 

It would be a good time while you are thinking about the relationship to work out ho to disagree respectfully and to find compromises instead of fighting.

 

And, having done that, start to work out how to manage things when the baby arrives - because that will be even more stressful if you don't have some sort of plan.

 

But I do strongly advise you not to confuse things that are generally an issue with your relationship with things that happen because you are pregnant - because that really will look to him as if you are using the pregnancy to get your way over things you have previously disagreed about. You may not be doing that consciously but that is how he will see it.

[Seraphim]

Oh, and my husband's self-esteem is also pretty low. He is very easily manipulated, especially by his parents, and won't ever stand up for himself, unless it's against me.

 

OMG they ARE twins........LOL......I can remember ONE time in 21 years my husband has stood up for himself against his dad. When we are there for dinner he has even let his dad tell him when it is permissible to go to the bathroom!! Oh PULEZZZZZZZZZ you are 36 years old(at the time) grow a pair will you! He has let his dad speak ill of me and even ill of his OWN SON and not even looked up from his dinner plate. So I have to be the bad guy and tell his parents what is NOT acceptable and then I am the mouth piece daughter in law

 

I think though you both need to sit down and REALLY have a heart to heart about what is and is not acceptable in your relationship because these problems DID exist before like DN said, but right now you are just more susceptible to your reactions becoming over reactions, kind of get what I mean? I applaud you though for getting on this now.

[Polly31]

Thank you both, DN and Victoria.

 

I'm actually excited about therapy now because I think we can do this and actually come to a sort of agreement and finally, hopefully, settle our vicous circles once and for all.

 

My father-in-law is a very ugly man and, if anything, I would like for my husband to heal from his relationship with him and regain his self esteem. That would make me very happy indeed.

 

My way of dealing with crazy people is just avoiding their presence as much as possible. I am curious to see whether my husband will protect his daughter around his father, though. Hopefully having a child will help him realize the difference between a good and a bad father.

[Seraphim]

Thank you both, DN and Victoria.

 

I'm actually excited about therapy now because I think we can do this and actually come to a sort of agreement and finally, hopefully, settle our vicous circles once and for all.

 

My father-in-law is a very ugly man and, if anything, I would like for my husband to heal from his relationship with him and regain his self esteem. That would make me very happy indeed.

 

My way of dealing with crazy people is just avoiding their presence as much as possible. I am curious to see whether my husband will protect his daughter around his father, though. Hopefully having a child will help him realize the difference between a good and a bad father.

 

 

It brings a lot to the plate for sure, and to give you encouragement my husband is a far more openly loving father than his own was.