I am tired of people judging me for not dating fathers

[XxJustMexX]

Wait a minute. Why is that shallow?

 

These kinds of posts will get these sorts of reactions... Single parents (men and women) are always going to defend their position therefore answers like these should be expected. I'm sure what this poster meant was that she doesn't want to look deeper and look at a man for who he is... rather she looks at what he has... I believe love has no boundaries and a person should be able to sacrifice things for one they love... For instance, sacrificing a little time so her man can enjoy time with his children... sacrifice a night out alone and spend time with his children as well, etc... things like that.

 

But the OP is right, to each their own... some people just aren't cut out for children... but others are. Can't knock either for that.

[FarthestEdge]

If you're going to be shallow, people are going to judge you. That's how it works.

 

 

Hey, while I agree that the more you 'broaden your horizons' the better your chances at finding love in unexpected places, I don't think this necessarily makes the OP shallow. She is not interested in pursuing a relationship with a particular lifestyle. She's not attracted to that lifestyle, and she's willing to forego the opportunity to experience the other things fathers may have to offer. It's a deal-breaker for her, so she chooses not to enter into negotiations.

 

I would never date a Sports fanatic. And yet, a lot of die hard sports fans are really great, fun loving, successful, loyal guys. But I would have no interest in seeing my bf's beer belly on the Jumbotron with his face and torso painted Maple Leafs Blue, seriously NOT-HOT for me, worse than 'bad naked'...we all have certain things we simply aren't up for.

 

You need to be able to find a dating partner, to some degree at least, attractive, physically, emotionally and in lifestyle, or it isn't going to go anywhere. So the OP recognizes that she is not interested in the lifestyle of the part-time or single dad. So she's saving HIM time in the end...

 

Yep, it narrows her choices, but perhaps, she'd rather be with no one, than the wrong person. Which is as it should be.

[shes2smart]

People will have comments. You shouldn't let it get to you.

 

Yes, this, exactly.

 

People have opinions and make judgements about things all the time.

 

Even things they know nothing about or things that are none of their damn business.

 

They have a right to have those opinions...heck, I'll even go so far as to say they have a right to express those opinions, as long as they are civil, polite and not intentionally hurtful about it.

 

You have an equal right to ignore both their opinions and expressions of those opinions. You also have the right to not give a crap about their opinions.

 

Since you can't control what other people do or think or how they behave, your best bet is working on the ignoring and not caring portions of the equation.

 

I would call someone on impolite, rude or intentionally hurtful expression of their opinions though...but that's different than demanding they not have an opinon or judge you.

[FarthestEdge]

This should be copy/pasted to at least 27 different active posts on this board...So true in so many situations.

 

I'd rep you Shes2smart- but I need to spread the love around a bit....

[newwave]

I am sure if you were a male who was saying that he doesn't want to date women with kids, that it would be no problem. It's just double standards. Stick to what you know you want.

 

I see that all the time. I know many men who refuse to date single mothers and most of the time people get what they are saying. Yet because women are supposed to be nurturing or we are supposed to "need" a relationship we are told we should put up with anything.

[newwave]

To those who get what I'm saying, thank you. No, I'm not against kids at all, (until a few years ago I didn't want any)I just don't want to deal with them. I have dated guys with kids, and yes it's too drama filled. Doesn't make me shallow at all because I don't need additional drama. And a deadbeat dad would be far worse. No, I don't want to deal with guys with older kiDs either. Chances are if he has grown kids he's probably too old for me.

 

As for meeting guys my age who never married/no kids, I don't agree all of them never want kids or to be married. While there are many guys like that, many I'm meeting just never met the right girl, or were workaholics. Other have/had emotional issues that prevented this. Maybe it depends on the area (I live by Chicago). Personally, I never wanted marriage or kids until maybe 5 years ago. I'd be happy never marrying, but like the option.

[Batya33]

When my husband and I started dating we were in our late 30s, never married, no kids. Now we are in our early 40s and have a baby. Neither of us was a workaholic or had other issues; in fact we both wanted to get married and have a family very badly but we hadn't met the right people (at the right time). I guess I probably had some commitment issues but I came to terms with what I wanted and needed in a partner and it all worked out for the best. I dated many different men into my late 30s - I rarely dated men who already had kids and strongly preferred not to, for many of the same reasons you posted.

[newwave]

When my husband and I started dating we were in our late 30s, never married, no kids. Now we are in our early 40s and have a baby. Neither of us was a workaholic or had other issues; in fact we both wanted to get married and have a family very badly but we hadn't met the right people (at the right time). I guess I probably had some commitment issues but I came to terms with what I wanted and needed in a partner and it all worked out for the best. I dated many different men into my late 30s - I rarely dated men who already had kids and strongly preferred not to, for many of the same reasons you posted.

 

I've kind of been following your threads because you are exactly the type of person I hope to be, if that makes sense. You had your first baby late in life (42 wasn't it?). Gives me hope. I too had many commitment issues myself that I had to work out before I could be a partner to someone. I did work them out (proof to those who think commitaphobes can't change, they can).

[shes2smart]

This should be copy/pasted to at least 27 different active posts on this board...So true in so many situations.

 

I'd rep you Shes2smart- but I need to spread the love around a bit....

 

Thanks. I appreciate the thought.

 

But, back on topic....It's amazing how much better my life got when I really and truly quit giving a crap what other people thought about my life and what I chose to do.

 

I figure as long as I'm treating others as I'd prefer to be treated (with kindness, civility, politeness and respect) and I'm not intentionally harming other people or their stuff, I'm doing fine and to hell with what anyone else thinks.

[Seraphim]

Maybe you are telling your preference to entirely too many people? I am not against your preference, but what I am saying is it should be kept to you and the person you are dating. If it is them that are getting upset so be it, just move on. As far as other people go you do not need to discuss your preference with them, that way they can not debate you. The only way they can debate you is if you bring it up.

[XxJustMexX]

Maybe you are telling your preference to entirely too many people? I am not against your preference, but what I am saying is it should be kept to you and the person you are dating. If it is them that are getting upset so be it, just move on. As far as other people go you do not need to discuss your preference with them, that way they can not debate you. The only way they can debate you is if you bring it up.

 

Agreed... Why is it that you feel the need to tell people? I know this is an online forum and people are free to discuss things... but it's just like other debates like religion, abortion, sexuality... If you don't want a debate, why bring it up? It just seems that people bring controversial things like this up because they're looking for a debate. It's just one of those things that some people will agree with, and some people won't. What's the point of bringing it up? I won't expect to go into online forums to show my pro-choice views and not expect a debate from pro-lifers... The whole dating people with children/having children thing is one of these debates... If it bothers you, I truly feel bad for you if you have to put up with people debating your opinions... but the more you bring it up, the more you'll have to debate with others...

[newwave]

I bring it up to prospective dates right away if I'm not sure. That way I know upfront if they have kids. Why waste our time if I'm not interested? I tell my relatives when they try to hook me up on dates with guys. Actually most of them refuse to match me up anymore because of this issue and that's fine. I don't "need" a man. The guy I really want to be with doesn't have kids but wanted them years ago (apparently he doesn't now because of financial reasons).

[Seraphim]

Ok, so then that is fine. Your family knows your view, you do not waste your time with people who have kids. That works. The thing is someone will ALWAYS think differently than we do. Someone will ALWAYS judge what you want to do. Let it roll off. Life is too short for inconsequential things such as a difference of opinion become a huge matter.

[Juxtapoz]

My dad stupidly married a woman when I was 3, and she hated me from the moment she met me, because I was my father's "other woman." At 3 years old. The next 7 years or so were full of emotional abuse.

 

I see nothing wrong with not wanting to date a man with children. Beats being with him and having the possibility of hating his kids.

[XxJustMexX]

My dad stupidly married a woman when I was 3, and she hated me from the moment she met me, because I was my father's "other woman." At 3 years old. The next 7 years or so were full of emotional abuse.

 

I see nothing wrong with not wanting to date a man with children. Beats being with him and having the possibility of hating his kids.

 

Aww... sorry you went through this with an evil step-mother...

 

Goes to show different opinions will pop up due to different experiences and circumstances.

 

I guarantee though that not all women/men are like this... not all men/women are evil step parents... There are some that treat the children as their own... I guess you just got the bad apple. She was a b*#$% for "hating" her husband's kid(s)... but I'm sure you know not all women are like that. She was just a horrible person to begin with. If this is the type of woman you are, then I do suggest you don't go out with men with children. To be honest, it's the child I'm worried about... not your relationship.

[newwave]

My dad stupidly married a woman when I was 3, and she hated me from the moment she met me, because I was my father's "other woman." At 3 years old. The next 7 years or so were full of emotional abuse.

 

I see nothing wrong with not wanting to date a man with children. Beats being with him and having the possibility of hating his kids.

 

That's just evil and sad. I'm not a nasty person, it's just not something I could deal with. However, I am pretty sure I could deal with a guy who adopted kids though.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I'm in total agreement with you, newwave, and even at 23, finding childless men is hard. It just reflects a whole level of person I want to be with. I was in a serious relationship with a man with kids (even though I swore I never would) and while the children were not a problem to me, the neverending melodrama would have been hard to handle if we had come together for longer.

 

I've known a number of men with kids and I don't want to hear about your "witch ex wife" and how she's "stealing all your money" or "won't let you see the kids" and honestly, that happens so often. Few broken homes with children are functional and healthy.

 

But I am different as I do not want children at all.

[Sanesoul]

My dad stupidly married a woman when I was 3, and she hated me from the moment she met me, because I was my father's "other woman." At 3 years old. The next 7 years or so were full of emotional abuse.

 

I see nothing wrong with not wanting to date a man with children. Beats being with him and having the possibility of hating his kids.

 

This is eerily similar to my story. My mother died when I was 6 and my father married a horrible, nasty woman. She hated me because I looked like my mother and was a constant reminder of her.

 

Abuse by my father followed, and eventually she told him he had to choose me or her (I was 8 ). Guess who got booted out the door?

 

Wicked stepmothers do exist, and OP, I am not saying you would be, but I'm glad you would rather not get into this situation. It's hard to love other people's kids.

[Unknown1607307972]

Luckily I am too young for this to be a major problem, but I couldn't be with a man who had kids. It's not the kids, because while I don't want my own I could handle having kids around for a little while especially as they wouldn't be my own so I wouldn't be the one responsible. In fact, I once thought this would be a great way for me to find a guy who wouldn't mind me not having kids...if he already had some. For me it's the ex, I have insecurity issues with ex girlfriends (and perhaps wives at some point, just not many guys in my age group have been married!) and I wouldn't like the permanent ties to the ex.

 

So I don't think it's shallow at all, it's just a personal prefrence. Both my parents have partners, and they split when I was a baby. My stepmother got with my dad not too long after, so I was just a baby, and she loved me and still does. My stepdad got with my mum when I was about 9-10 and he had no problem with me either. There are a lot of people who will date people who have kids it seems, so a few people who wouldn't are hardly doing harm.

[Batya33]

I'm in total agreement with you, newwave, and even at 23, finding childless men is hard. It just reflects a whole level of person I want to be with. I was in a serious relationship with a man with kids (even though I swore I never would) and while the children were not a problem to me, the neverending melodrama would have been hard to handle if we had come together for longer.

 

I've known a number of men with kids and I don't want to hear about your "witch ex wife" and how she's "stealing all your money" or "won't let you see the kids" and honestly, that happens so often. Few broken homes with children are functional and healthy.

 

But I am different as I do not want children at all.

 

My suggestion would be for you and for the OP to relocate to a large city with plenty of singles. The major city I grew up in was teeming with single people who did not have children well into their 30s and 40s.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

My suggestion would be for you and for the OP to relocate to a large city with plenty of singles. The major city I grew up in was teeming with single people who did not have children well into their 30s and 40s.

 

That is a good suggestion. I find that locally, there is a military presence with many many soldiers who had children in their teens.

 

This is why I have stuck exclusively to online dating lol. I can weed these things out.

[newwave]

My suggestion would be for you and for the OP to relocate to a large city with plenty of singles. The major city I grew up in was teeming with single people who did not have children well into their 30s and 40s.

 

I live near Chicago and when I get a job I intend to move into the city.

[orchidrose]

I live near Chicago and when I get a job I intend to move into the city.

 

Yeah, you'll find a lot more single/unattached/fatherless guys in the city. I live in the city of Chicago and I find that all of the young, single dads that I see in my online dating travails are out in the suburbs.

[friendsoulmate]

I agree with many of the points you've made. I am a 40-year-old virgin, never been married, Christian man. I don't hate kids. I would like my possible, future children (one or two) to be my biological own. I dated a fat girl, for a short time once, but I didn't want to settle. My latest score at hot or not is 9.1, so why should I settle? I refuse to date a divorced, single mother for the very similar reasons you don't want to date a divorced, single father. The virgin in the 40-year-old virgin movie settled for a single mother, but I wouldn't. If I ever became a divorced, single father, then I would expect to be searching for a divorced, single mother. If I were a divorced, single father, I would not be searching for young virgins on the internet, even if I was wealthy. The same for divorced, single mothers. Why go searching for men without children, if that is not who you are? Why should anyone or friends and family members scoff at you or me, when we refuse to accept lovers who are not like ourselves? That's crazy! HOW COULD YOU BE HAPPY, IF YOU SETTLE? EVERYONE SHOULD DESERVE SOMEONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX WHO ARE LIKE THEMSELVES! INCLUDING VIRGINS! VIRGIN=VIRGIN, NON-VIRGIN=NON-VIRGIN, SINGLE FATHER=SINGLE MOTHER

[Miss Firecracker]

I see nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone with a lot of baggage. If I were single, I would NEVER expect anyone to choose me to date. A relationship should enhance your life, not make it harder.