Losing attraction to girlfriend, because she doesn't take care of herself.

[BriarRose]

i think people are being too hard on the OP. i don't see that he wants her to dress as a porn star, just make a little more effort, like she did in the beginning of the relationship. and he indicates she already has cute clothes, just chooses not to wear them.

 

Besides, right or wrong, he is losing ATTRACTION for her. which is very important in a relationship. if he's no longer attracted for her, the relationship is going to end. It sounds to me like he is really trying to save the relationship.

 

No one means to be hard on him. But he did mention being attracted to her in such things as her thigh high boots but not her loose, comfy clothes. That is a bit shallow.

[BriarRose]

i think people are being too hard on the OP. i don't see that he wants her to dress as a porn star, just make a little more effort, like she did in the beginning of the relationship. and he indicates she already has cute clothes, just chooses not to wear them.

 

Besides, right or wrong, he is losing ATTRACTION for her. which is very important in a relationship. if he's no longer attracted for her, the relationship is going to end. It sounds to me like he is really trying to save the relationship.

And I am sorry, but changing ones clothes is not going to "save" a relationship. When a man is attracted to his partner, he is attracted to her, period. Sure, he loves to see her in her high heels or whatever, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want her if she is in her casual clothes.

[annie24]

eh, i don't know. i can see how the attraction can wear off if she's stopped trying. it doesn't mean he doesn't respect her or love her mind, but you have to have the sexual attraction there to keep things going. my experience with military men and manly men is that they like feminine women. women who do their nails, wear skirts or form fitting jeans with cute heels. I dated a guy who was in the army, and he always noticed and complimented my nail polish color. they like those little touches that distinguish men from women. Again, i am only talking about my experience with those men. so i understand why he wants a girl who 'pretties herself up.' i don't see that he's asking her to wear the crazy boots all the time.

[agent1607307371]

eh, i don't know. i can see how the attraction can wear off if she's stopped trying. it doesn't mean he doesn't respect her or love her mind, but you have to have the sexual attraction there to keep things going. my experience with military men and manly men is that they like feminine women. women who do their nails, wear skirts or form fitting jeans with cute heels.

 

But it's not about her stopping trying. It's about her style which hasn't changed suddenly not being what the OP wants it to.

 

If he wanted such a feminine woman, why take up and move in with a woman who isn't? He knew she was a tomboy going in. Now he wants her to not be.

[BriarRose]

If you are really losing your attraction because your girlfriend wants to be comfortable sometimes, then she might not be the right girl for you.

 

I know it's not the same for everyone, but my husband can't keep his paws off me, even if I've just woken up, I'm in my jammies and have bedhead.

 

This pretty much sums it up. The clothes and makeup just shouldn't be a deal-breaker. I can understand if she sat around eating bon bons all day and weighed 500 lbs, but this seems to just be an issue of she is not dressing in a way you find desirable and not wearing enough makeup.

[G-Snap]

You are seeing the 'real' her, not the her who was putting on her best face when you were dating. This is who she is. You might get small incremental improvements, but this is how she feels her best so she will always revert back to type. You have to weigh out how important this is to you - if very important as has already been stated, she likely just isn't the right girl for you. She sounds like my sister, she is just a comfy kind of gal and likes wearing her old worn out shoes and clothes when she isn't working. Her b/f loves her just the same and it isn't an issue for him.

[BriarRose]

You are seeing the 'real' her, not the her who was putting on her best face when you were dating. This is who she is. You might get small incremental improvements, but this is how she feels her best so she will always revert back to type. You have to weigh out how important this is to you - if very important as has already been stated, she likely just isn't the right girl for you. She sounds like my sister, she is just a comfy kind of gal and likes wearing her old worn out shoes and clothes when she isn't working. Her b/f loves her just the same and it isn't an issue for him.

Exactly...it doesn't mean you are wrong, or she is wrong...just that maybe you are not the best match if this is a dealbreaker for you. Like you said yourself, you can't "force" attraction. And if you're not feelin' it when she is most herself and comfortable, it's not going to work.

[Generalist]

It isn't a deal breaker...maybe I named the topic in a bad way. Looking in to it, I can say I am attracted to her, but it's more like I wouldn't want to be attracted to anyone else and I see women every day who put much effort into their appearance. It's not like I go out and cheat on her, but sometimes I can't help but be attracted.

 

Some posters seem to intentionally misinterpret me and talk about me demanding her wear her boots all the time and wanting her to be a super model. I thank everyone who's given constructive feedback, but don't like it at all when people tell me to dump her. I know I would regret leaving her.

 

This thread has taken off and whatever I say, this will be a battleground where people project their own bad experiences. I am not a cheating, evil woman hater, sorry.

[BriarRose]

I am sure no one here thinks you are a cheating, evil woman hater . I think if you didn't care about her you wouldn't be here. We are just saying that you need to be attracted to her for who she is and how she is comfortable being. I am sorry if I or anyone else offended you.

[dr_styles]

Clothes are VERY expensive. I haven't bought new clothes forever because I can't afford them.

 

i think people are being too hard on the OP. i don't see that he wants her to dress as a porn star, just make a little more effort, like she did in the beginning of the relationship. and he indicates she already has cute clothes, just chooses not to wear them.

 

I don't see how wearing a nice existing black dress and make up out to the occasional dinner date, or a nice summer dress when out for a walk together on a nice day, or whatever else is being a princess. At least that's the way I imagine the situation being, because it's something I could say is happening to me right now.

Then there's this other point:

 

Besides, right or wrong, he is losing ATTRACTION for her. which is very important in a relationship. if he's no longer attracted for her, the relationship is going to end. It sounds to me like he is really trying to save the relationship.

 

Calling him this or that won't change this part. Or now he'll be called an emotional cheater for checking out other women all the time?

 

It isn't a deal breaker...maybe I named the topic in a bad way. Looking in to it, I can say I am attracted to her, but it's more like I wouldn't want to be attracted to anyone else and I see women every day who put much effort into their appearance. It's not like I go out and cheat on her, but sometimes I can't help but be attracted.

 

I don't want to bring my situation into your thread too much being quite different and just your thread after all, but similarly I'd put the same thing on myself and boy it feels bad it's happening; even though I wouldn't cheat and actually go out with any of these "other attractive women", plus they probably wouldn't be interested for some reason anyway.

 

Are you actually happy with the way it's worked out? Sounds like you've gone with the compromise route.

[G-Snap]

Aren't we all always going to be attracted to other people, no matter how much we are in love? I've been madly in love in my life more than once and never did my eyes stop working, I still could appreciate and admire an attractive man, that doesn't mean I'd try to sleep with him or even try to go flirt with him.

 

OP, you are always going to see other attractive women regardless if your g/f starts dressing up nicer. If this is what is your biggest problem, that you want to STOP finding other women attractive, I just don't see that happening.

 

It's when you want to ACT on that attraction that you will know the relationship is nearing doomsdaY.

[BriarRose]

Aren't we all always going to be attracted to other people, no matter how much we are in love? I've been madly in love in my life more than once and never did my eyes stop working, I still could appreciate and admire an attractive man, that doesn't mean I'd try to sleep with him or even try to go flirt with him.

 

OP, you are always going to see other attractive women regardless if your g/f starts dressing up nicer. If this is what is your biggest problem, that you want to STOP finding other women attractive, I just don't see that happening.

 

It's when you want to ACT on that attraction that you will know the relationship is nearing doomsdaY.

 

I agree. Totally normal to notice and appreciate attractive women, even for a man in a relationship. It's how he acts on that attraction...

 

You sound like you care very much for her....I do hope things work out for both of you....

[annie24]

i guess i didn't see where he called his gf a tomboy. there are beauty layers between diva and tomboy. i don't know - i guess OP would have to comment on this. If 10 is a model/diva and 1 is a tomboy, where was his gf on the scale when they started dating? and where is she now?

 

i would put myself around a 6. I like to wear skirts when the weather permits, cute jeans and flattering shirts, but sometimes step out of the house without makeup. usually, it takes me 5-10 minutes to do my makeup/hair on a normal day. 20-30 minutes for a special occasion.

[SnowFox]

i would put myself around a 6. I like to wear skirts when the weather permits, cute jeans and flattering shirts, but sometimes step out of the house without makeup. usually, it takes me 5-10 minutes to do my makeup/hair on a normal day. 20-30 minutes for a special occasion.

 

You make the point I wanted to make. There is a large gray area between tomboy and "high-maintenance princess". Its not very difficult or expensive for a woman to dress in flattering, attractive clothing both at home and outside of the home if she wants to.

 

In the home, fitted t-shirt and yoga pants or a casual skirt are an easy way to look attractive yet be totally comfortable. These can be purchased for cheap at places like Target and Old Navy.

 

I personally can't get my mind around the idea of not wanting to be attractive for my partner if doing so would not require much extra energy on my part. I think a relationship is enhanced when a couple does small things that build the attraction. I don't see why a "tomboy" type wouldn't want to wear cute yoga clothes at home if that made a big difference to her partner.

 

Yoga pants happen to be one of the most comfortable things a woman can wear and the side benefit is they show off the shape of the body. Seems like a win-win to me.

[LightbulbSun]

I've only read the first page of this thread, but I have this to say...

 

It's not shallow to want to be attracted to your partner. That includes clothes. I wear primarily t-shirts and jeans, but when they get ripped, I only wear them around the house when nobody's looking.

 

From what you describe, it's more than just a casual 'not caring about what clothes you wear.' If she's not brushing her teeth or showering everyday, that's disgusting, and I don't blame you for wanting her to take better care of herself. I personally wouldn't kiss someone who didn't brush their teeth and/or floss everyday.

[G-Snap]

I've only read the first page of this thread, but I have this to say...

 

It's not shallow to want to be attracted to your partner. That includes clothes. I wear primarily t-shirts and jeans, but when they get ripped, I only wear them around the house when nobody's looking.

 

From what you describe, it's more than just a casual 'not caring about what clothes you wear.' If she's not brushing her teeth or showering everyday, that's disgusting, and I don't blame you for wanting her to take better care of herself. I personally wouldn't kiss someone who didn't brush their teeth and/or floss everyday.

 

He said her hygeine was fine.

[owl27]

Is this the first time you've lived with a woman? It sounds like maybe you're a little shocked or let down that your girlfriend isn't dressing up like perhaps she did during the dating phase. All couples go through phases and you learn to adjust as you go. The beginning is when you are trying to impress someone. So of course you're going to look your best most of the time. But after you've been together for a while, it's only natural that both people would relax a bit and not have to work at it as they did during the dating phase. It's kind of fun to see this side of your significant other! Remember that women typically have to do a lot more work than men do. We have to shave more body parts, we have to do more to our hair, we have to wear make up and a variety of outfits. Many women don't want to wear make up all the time. It isn't comfortable! As far as working out, did she work out before you lived together? If she is stopping things that she was regularly doing before, you may want to ask her about it. But if she never/rarely worked out, why does she have to start now? Perhaps you can go for walks together and make it fun and healthy at the same time. The key here is probably compromise. Perhaps she has bee a little TOO comfortable lately but is it possible you're expectations could be lowered just a bit? I know what you mean about attraction not being a choice. But maybe that's a sign of a deeper issue...?

[ampi]

Attraction in a relationship is important bottom-line - without it its not healthy for either party. Once a relationship and trust is established, doing things to maintain attraction (physical, emotional, mental, etc.) should be done, its out of respect for the fact that this is who you would be with for years to come. Physical attraction should not be a second-thought, after all its the one type of attraction or connection we really should only be having with our significant other. 

If she just doesn't care, and doesn't even want to put in a couple minutes for minimal preparation when you aren't just staying home, theres a problem on her end. She doesn't understand that those things matter - its simple stuff, whats so challenging about doing it just a bit? Wouldn't you do something like that for her? 

Also, if your attraction is fading - realize if you stayed together, you would not be happy. Theres many more years left. You may love her now, but trust me, it will never reach the kind of potential that keeps people together happily. If this was right, you wouldn't even be posting, let alone thinking this.

 

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, ampi said:

Attraction in a relationship is important bottom-line - without it its not healthy for either party. Once a relationship and trust is established, doing things to maintain attraction (physical, emotional, mental, etc.) should be done, its out of respect for the fact that this is who you would be with for years to come. Physical attraction should not be a second-thought, after all its the one type of attraction or connection we really should only be having with our significant other. 

If she just doesn't care, and doesn't even want to put in a couple minutes for minimal preparation when you aren't just staying home, theres a problem on her end. She doesn't understand that those things matter - its simple stuff, whats so challenging about doing it just a bit? Wouldn't you do something like that for her? 

Also, if your attraction is fading - realize if you stayed together, you would not be happy. Theres many more years left. You may love her now, but trust me, it will never reach the kind of potential that keeps people together happily. If this was right, you wouldn't even be posting, let alone thinking this.

 

This thread is 10 years old.

Why are so many ancient threads being dug up?