"You should have a house, and a wife by now"

[sns256]

Completely out of the blue, my Mom actually said this to me after I got home from work an hour ago. I couldn't believe it. "You are 24 now, you should have a house, a wife, and be thinking about grandchildren by now. Whats wrong with you? You are getting old, get a move on it? What are you doing?"

 

Sort of laughing, I asked her if she was serious, or was joking, as I couldn't tell over the phone. But she was serious! I calmly told her "I am so mad right now that I am going to hang up before I start yelling, good bye."

 

I feel sick to my stomach. I don't think I have ever been so mad in my life.

 

She knows my situation, can see that I am trying to get my first girlfriend, and sees me working trying to better myself. She was always the only one that I could look to for support, now that's gone. My Dad has never understood my difficulties with women. This sucks. Why would she say that?

 

I can see how she could think that way, but to say it? Her and my Dad met when they were 17, and 19 respectively, and were married by my age. They were popular kids in school, and had no social difficulties like me. My sister is the same way as them, and met her current bf when she was 15, 7 years ago. She is one of the popular kids too. I just haven't been able to accomplish anything socially like they have.

 

I struggle enough to come to terms with my difficulties in my own head, let alone being reminded by my friends, and my Mom of all people.

 

How is someone supposed to gain confidence, and self esteem when you are put down and constantly reminded that you are failure in a certain area in life? I am trying. That's all I can do and hope for the best. If this keeps up I don't think I will ever find a girlfriend.

 

Sorry for the rant. I don't expect a single reply. I didn't really ask any questions. I just needed to get this off my chest. I am very angry right now. I was shaking initially, so this is helping. I am going to go to the bank, and shovel some snow. Maybe that will calm me down some more.

[g84]

I'm sorry that your mom said that to you : (. I know that i would be very hurt by a comment like that. It sounds like your parents met at a very early age, but maybe your mom needs to be reminded that these things don't happen at the same point in time / pace for everyone - there's nothing wrong with that. It's how life is, and aside from all of that, you're still young.

It sounds like you're making an effort to work on yourself, so that's already a good thing. I think you could have a talk with your mom and explain that you already feel down at times, and her words to you were not helpful at this moment. I know that parents can sometimes worry about their children in that aspect of life too, but putting you down about it is not good for anyone. : [

[Keyman]

I think the good old line is... "Don't take it personally." is adequate here. It was unfair of your mother to say those things and you have every right to be angry, but the truth is, you are you and you aren't them. Just because they did that, just because your sister has been with her bf for 7 years, doesn't mean that you have to be. What does your mother expect you to be, a sheep, and follow only what has gone before?

 

My parents were married at 21 and 25 respectively, my sister was married at 25 but has been with him since she was 17. I'm still single. So? I choose to live my life the way I live, not the way my parents want me to live. I'm an adult, I choose, not them.

 

It's okay to be where you are, very okay. You mother has some issues based on something she is going through, and yes shouldn't put it onto you. Don't let her bully you, respond with, "I'm not you, mum, I'm doign things the way 'I' want to do it and I'm not ready to get married, have kids, grandkids and by a house yet. And, mum, you are just going to have to get used to that idea. If she starts yelling, hang up. You are the boss of your life.

[annie24]

divorce rates are actually higher for people who marry young. besides, what is the rush?? tell your mom to back off and find a hobby. take your time, meet the right woman, then get married. don't be in a rush to marry by a certain age and then you wind up divorced soon after.

[i miss her 2]

I know how you feel! Do you live in the midwest by any chance because that's how it seems to be over here? I'm about to turn 27 in two weeks and I sometimes get that whole, I should be married by now crap. One lady even said, "At 26 you should have been in and out of the army, married, divorced, have kids and be paying child support." lol

 

I got my first girlfriend at 22 and we broke up almost a year ago and I'm single now. But I know people my age that have never even had that. One guy I know is 26 and lives in his mom's basement, plays in a band, but is highly successful here in the local music scene. BUT has never had a girlfriend. He's happy though! So do what you want to do and NOT what someone else says you should do. Your time will come. And if you really want a girlfriend, I'm sure you could go out and get one if you really started trying.

 

I know what it feels like to have your mom as support and then suddenly it feels like she is against you. It is one of the worst feelings and believe me I know because its like that for me now. We still communicate but I know she doesn't agree with what I do. I didn't become the doctor she wanted me to be...instead I'm a musician (her nightmare!) but she is starting to accept it because she sees that I am going to do what I want to do reguardless.

 

You can only count on yourself to make you happy and nobody else. So just follow your heart and live everyday like it's your last.

[annie24]

"At 26 you should have been in and out of the army, married, divorced, have kids and be paying child support." lol

 

lol! paying child support at 26 does not sound like any fun!!!

[Blue Skittles]

Why? There are a lot of single people your age. She should be happy you are getting all your ducks in a row before you take on the responsibility of a wife, kids and new house.

[FathomFear]

To the OP, I know your pain. I've been there. I get similar lines thrown at me, but luckily only from aunts/uncles--my immediate family is quite rational.

 

Some people are just old-fashioned. They see life as that cheesy narrative you see on commercials for insurance brokers. You grow up, go to school, start dating, graduate from school, get married, then start having kids of your own. That's "life" as many people understand it, and they get confused or unsettled if they don't clearly see you on this path.

 

My recommendation would be to change your mindset. Don't get angry at such comments. Instead, feel pity. Pity that such people don't understand that life can be lived in various different ways with much happiness. To get angry is almost an admission that your mother is right. She isn't. Her words only come from her mouth because her worldview is narrow.

[sns256]

Thanks all! I am feeling a lot better now. Shoveling snow really helped. My Mom came over to visit me. We talked for a bit and worked things out. But I am still a little ticked off. But that will pass.

 

g84 - Thanks! I pretty much told her that exactly. I think she thought I was having much more success with women than I actually was from all my dates, and socializing. I think that started when I slept over at my best female friends house a couple of times because I was drinking with her and her friend. I was too drunk to drive home. She read too much into that and was thinking I am just being too picky finding a girl. (Which I am not) But oh well. It will come in time. Thanks!

 

Keyman - Thanks! I agree it is my life to live, and up until very recently I didn't realise that well. I will for sure bring that up with her.

 

annie24 - LOL I should tell her to get a hobby for sure! She has none that I am aware of, and watches a lot of tv. I should totally tell her that. Maybe that would get her off my back. I want to meet the right woman for sure. I am willing to put in the effort too.

 

i miss her 2 - I have a few older friends who are 26-27 who have never had a girlfriend before too, or just getting their firsts very recently. They are happy about themselves too. I am for the most part too, but I have my down days. I know at work they don't have a clue that I am as inexperienced as I am. And I will keep it that way.

 

I am putting a bunch of effort in trying to find a girlfriend. I am just trying to find the right one, and that is difficult. Even turned down one girl who was into me because she was, frankly nuts. (I posted about it here a while ago). Most girls are just not into me after a date or two. Which is ok, I'll find one who is one of these times.

 

I am at that point now where I just finished school on what my parents wanted me to take (that I would make a lot of money at), and I am reconsidering doing something I want to do, but not make as much. Both my parents are a little ticked off that I am standing up to them more. I used to be a very obedient yes man to them, and almost anyone. Not so much anymore after growing, and improving myself these past several months. Feels good actually to control my life.

 

Blue Skittles - Yes exactly! I am myself and am not going to have some cookie cutter life experience my parents and sister are having. I am going at my own pace. Thanks!

 

FathomFear - I used to get that ALL the time from my aunts/ uncles when I was 16 to about 19/20. I am the oldest out of all the kids in my extended family. And expected to get the first gf. Subsequently I am the last one to get a SO. They have since stopped asking.

 

That is a good idea that I shouldn't be mad at such words. Life doesn't need to follow a set guideline. I'll keep that in mind when it occurs again.

 

Thank you all. I truly didn't expect any responses. You definitely helped me out!