Abusive Ex Has Contacted Me About The Baby

[mumto2]

I was in a manipulative, emotional and mentally abusive relationship with a man for 3 years who treated me intolerably. His family didn't like me either. He has a son with another woman and I have a 5 year old. His famil have always referred to my son as "that kiddie" or "that littlun". They had no respect for me or my little boy. I don't know why.

 

When I fell pregnant my now ex partner manipulated me into going to the Marie Stopes clinic to have an abortion but after the clinic coudln't find the sac as I was only 4 weeks pregnant at the time, I decided abortion wasn't the right thing to do. He would have rather I sacrificed my baby's life because he was behaving so selfishly. He said some incredibly harsh words to me, which cut me very deeply. Our engagement even turned out to be a farce. This man also let himself into my home and removed all the photographs from the frames on my walls and put the empty frames back up and let himself out again while I was at work. He constantly plays mind games.

 

In August when I found out about this pregnancy and after I was persuaded to almost kill my child, I ended my relationship with him and told him he was to leave me and my children alone and I didn't want contact from him. So far so good until last night. He text me out of the blue and said "I think we should meet up and have a chat about the baby". I replied that I wanted him to leave me alone.

 

I am petrified of him. I don't want him to start mind games again because I know thats how he works. He's physically abusive towards his ex when she argues and stands up to him. He once strangled her until she was blue in the face over an argument and I'm afraid he will one day do the same to me if I let him into his child's life. He also punches her car windows in aggression when she comes to pick up his son.

 

Is there anything I can do or should I let this man have a part in his childs life, risking my own safety and sanity? I just don't know what to do.

[coolgirl]

I'm sorry your going through this ordeal. Sense you said your afraid for your safety and your child and if you dont want him in your child's life I think the best thing to do is get a restraning order on him. If he comes near you or your child i'm sure the police would handel him. Cuz, he's not allowed 100 feet towards you or your child.This man is not going to change at all. Abusers never change. If you need to talk more feel free to pm me. Hope this helps a bit.

[itsallgrand]

I think you should get some legal aid to know where you stand before making any big moves.

There is too much at stake.

 

For the meantime and dealing with the fact that he will most likely be contacting you again, you might want to call the police and see what can be done. You could also contact your nearest woman's clinic or woman's shelter - even an emergency number if that is all you can find - and get some support and options there.

 

Did you have an involvement with police so far regarding your ex? Any history there?

 

I hope you and your family the best.

[greywolf]

Is there anything I can do or should I let this man have a part in his childs life, risking my own safety and sanity? I just don't know what to do.

 

I think that is too risky for you and your child. Personally, I think that when he tried to make you have an abortion, he forfeited any right he had to be in the child's life.

[nicki.nicki]

Hun, go and seek some legal advice from a lawyer and police BEFORE you do or say anything. You need to protect you and your children. See if anything can be done to stop him coming anywhere near you. Get a restraining order. I dont know if they do that much but its better if you notify the police. Also get advice on what rights he has as the babies father. If he is one for mind games he could turn messy.

 

He is a danger to you and he will be for your unborn child.

[mumto2]

Thanks all for your replies.

 

I have been looking at women's aid website for obtaining an injunction against him. I haven't reported him to the police before. I find it unbelieveable that even when I tried to break up with him even before I fell pregnant, he kept hassling me. I know he's left it 8 months this time, but I knew he'd try again. I know he won't change. He portrays this amazing wonderful image to his mates and everyone thinks he's a great bloke, and I'm scared no one will believe my case against him because I know how much he will manipulate the system.

 

I think I am entitled to legal aid. Well, I hope so.

 

I am also shocked that when he stated he wanted me to get rid of the baby and said "I don't want this baby, do you think this makes me feel good that you're pregnant? How do you think this makes me feel" (was a really cutting remark from him. It still sounds in my head. ) now he's trying to make me speak to him about the baby.

 

Part of me wants to tell him it isn't his, but then I don't think I would be able to lie about it.

 

 

Edit: he won't have any rights to the baby as I won't be allowing him on the birth certificate. Not for all the money in the world.

[mumto2]

Update: I've spoken to a solicitor and I'm entitled to legal aid. They have been really helpful. They've said if he contacts me again to tell them and they will send a letter instructing him to stay away from me or a non-molestation injunction order will be issued to him through the courts and if he breaks these conditions he could be liable for a prison sentence.

 

I feel much more supported and safe knowing I've taken these steps.

 

Lets hope this idiot stays away from me without having to send out this letter.

[BellaDonna]

I am glad that you were able to find some help. Given his history of abuse & violence and the request to abort, I totally understand why you would not want him to have any influence over the child, or you.

 

Are you happy with your current location? The reason I ask is that although it may seem like a daunting task to move when you are pregnant, re-locating may be a good idea if it puts some distance between you and him.

 

At the very least, change you number so that he cannot call and text.

 

From the sound of it, he never wanted the baby. He may just be using it as an excuse now to get back into your life.

[mumto2]

I am glad that you were able to find some help. Given his history of abuse & violence and the request to abort, I totally understand why you would not want him to have any influence over the child, or you.

 

Are you happy with your current location? The reason I ask is that although it may seem like a daunting task to move when you are pregnant, re-locating may be a good idea if it puts some distance between you and him.

 

At the very least, change you number so that he cannot call and text.

 

From the sound of it, he never wanted the baby. He may just be using it as an excuse now to get back into your life.

 

I already moved towns in December to get away from him. I stayed close enough to be near my mum and step dad. I know if he went to my old house (I swapped with someone) the people would tell him where I live. He is doing this to control and manipulate me again. IMO he gave up the right to the child the moment he told me to get rid of it, among all the other nasty things he said to me when I told him I was pregnant. I have blocked his number on my phone so far but I do have a few spare sim cards if I think I could change my number. I most likely will end up doing so.

[abitbroken]

I would instruct the people who live where you lived to not tell anyone where you are. Either to take down their numbers and you can choose to contact who you want, or to just say that they don't know.

 

I would say that the option of adoption has not closed if you fear for your life. The problem is that he would have to probably sign off rights unless the attorney says different. But if you are not sure about carrying his baby and having the possibility of him endangering you or your children a possibility it could be another alternative. I am not saying to give up your child, but that's another consideration.

[mumto2]

I would instruct the people who live where you lived to not tell anyone where you are. Either to take down their numbers and you can choose to contact who you want, or to just say that they don't know.

 

I would say that the option of adoption has not closed if you fear for your life. The problem is that he would have to probably sign off rights unless the attorney says different. But if you are not sure about carrying his baby and having the possibility of him endangering you or your children a possibility it could be another alternative. I am not saying to give up your child, but that's another consideration.

 

Here in the UK he has no rights to the child if his name isn't on the birth certificate - which it cannot be if he isn't there to sign the form. He won't be on there, thats for damned sure.

 

I don't think I could live with myself if I gave up my child, same as I couldn't go through with a termination either.

[BellaDonna]

I don't blame you for not wanitng to give up your baby.

 

I think it would be a real shame if you gave up a child you wanted simply because the father was an abuser.

 

Just because he is messed up doesn't mean that you and your child can't have a loving relationship. An abuser should never have such an influence that they could make you give up a child that you want and love.

 

Just focus on keeping your life and the birth of the baby private and you will be ok.

[itsallgrand]

That's a good update. Glad you are getting some help and feeling a bit safer. Hope you are feeling well.

 

How are things lately?

[mumto2]

Not too bad at the moment. (touch wood) I haven't heard from him as he's blocked on my phone now and he doesn't (yet) know where I live.

 

I think I panic a lot, because of the way he treated me, I can't face seeing him - he plays mind manipulation games all the time, and I don't want him to break me any more. I realised a while ago that I'd lost all my backbone and strength, y'know, that fighting spirit? I'd been picked at for so long it had all but gone. But since I've been on my own I've been able to grow a bit each day.

 

I'm not religious - but I did pray last night for the first time ever, and I felt a bit silly doing it. Tell you what though, afterwards I felt a sense of calm. That was weird. I just felt I needed to ask for a bit of guidance and help gaining my strength back.