Seraphim Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 Ooohhhh honey. I am praying. Please don't give up mama. Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted August 21, 2013 Author Share Posted August 21, 2013 It's almost 10p and Im wide awake. I didn't think I would be able to sleep, meh who needs sleep anyway? There is a big part of me that wants to call out of work tomorrow and just have me time however it would kill my OT that I have planned for this week. Dreadful is the thought of being at work when I feel this completely broken. I went for a walk earlier around the lake. Initinally I wasn't going to do it because I associate the walking with exercise and after today, Im done with all of that nonsense but I wanted, well really needed to clear my head a bit so I walked and walked and talked to myself. I was the girl walking around the lake having a conversation with herself. I think I felt worse after and Im sure I looked a little crazy. I don't even know how to process and go on from here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissancewoman101 Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 Sorry to hear the news. That sucks . Will they reconsider if you go and have the cyst removed and whatever it is they need reevaluated? Also, can you get a second opinion?? I don't get why the cysts in your breast would impact the transplant? It isn't cancer. It seems the guidelines are so strict You should take a day for yourself and call out from work. You need time for yourself too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 I'm so sorry about this, mamamet. How incredibly testing.. I am giving you a ginormous hug. I would take the day off, too. Or maybe leave early, see how you hold up when you get there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 Oh mama. *hugs* it's not over yet, they haven't said no, just not right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted August 21, 2013 Author Share Posted August 21, 2013 Thank you for the kinds words, really. I had such a hard time going to sleep last night, well I knew I would. I don't sleep well as it is, under stressful conditions it's ten times worse. The sleeping pills hadn't been cutting it for awhile so I guess it's fitting I go back to my doctor anyway to get a change in the prescription, perhaps something stronger. Renny, I guess I can understand their need for safety but if they aren't seeing anything remotely cancerous, it's beyond me why they wouldn't let me go through with this. She said it was recommended that I get another diagnostic mammogram in 6 months to rule out any possible malignancies. (sp). Ugh whatever... I'll make an appointment to see the doctor so I can get the referral to the surgeon to have it drained for my own peace of mind but I refuse to hold out hope or think positive for anything else. I'm so completely done. I have never felt more rejected and broken as I feel now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 Awwww mama *hugs*. I cannot imagine how devastated you feel. I still think there is a ray of hope though and you will find it. Take time to feel better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted August 21, 2013 Author Share Posted August 21, 2013 I'm wondering how much help I can offer here telling people to have faith and hope and everything is in God's hands when I don't even believe that anymore. It comes off as hypocritical, I feel almost like fraud. Jesse, through all of this seems very composed. How does one go from being a complete jerk to the voice of reason in 8 years? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 You have rubbed off on him mama. Just remember that people of faith sometimes have their doubts too. Also too if you truly didn't believe in it I'm not sure you would be telling people to believe. Right now things look bleak. But that doesn't mean hopeless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sanesoul Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 I haven't been posting much, but I have been keeping up with your journal Mama, always watching for the answer you've been waiting for. I can't imagine how draining this is for you, but you are a fighter. It may look bleak now, but keep fighting. Praying for you and sending hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted August 22, 2013 Author Share Posted August 22, 2013 I made it through my work day but not without a few good cries and some sloppy work. I called my doctors office to let them know what was happening and to schedule an appointment with my doctor for the breast cyst but naturally when I need him the most, he's on vacation. It never really fails, I've mentioned it before. Like when I would have an episode with the disc herniation in my back, I swear to God it was always on a weekend or a holiday or when he's on vacation. Same situation now, I need him and he's off traveling the world. So my appointment with him is on September 10th. I'm not really holding out any kind of hope that he can magically change the situation. Maybe if God sees fit it will happen but my faith is essentially shattered. I went to visit Jesse today, I took him some lunch and just wanted to lay down. He showed me a side of him I don't really know. He came to lay down with me, he held me and told me not to cry. He said that he loved me very much for everything that I have done for this thus far and that he still has faith that things will work out the way we wanted them. He doesn't believe it's a NO, he believes it's a 'not now'. My family seems uneasy around me, almost like they don't know what to say to me so they just say nothing or they are very careful about what they say. It all seems so contrived. I wish they would just be normal, maybe that will help me get back to some kind of normal myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Awwwww sweetie. You are such a love. You are so brave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
petite Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 I'm sorry things aren't working out as you hoped they would. Just try and think positive (as hard as it is) and Jesse is right, it isn't a no, it's just not right now. Whatever happens, will happen and you're a strong woman that has been through a lot. You will get through whatever comes your way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted August 22, 2013 Author Share Posted August 22, 2013 Awwwww sweetie. You are such a love. You are so brave. I dont feel brave Vic. I feel everything but brave and it sounds probably really stupid because reading this journal one would get the impression that I was the one that wasn't getting a kidney. In all likely hood he will get a kidney but it's going to take years. He has 2 years on the list. The average wait time where we are is 7-10 years for a cadaver kidney. He's also listed on an extended criteria list meaning he's willing to accept a kidney from an older person or a person that had medical issues. This shortens his wait time but only by 2 years give or take. These are kidneys that typically doctors dont want to use for younger patients. I'm also looking into the possiblity of having him list at another transplant center out of the region, perhaps out of the state. Some states have a smaller wait time so it's beneficial to list with multiple hospitals. The only problem with that is you have to be able to travel at a moment's notice should the call come in. The bottom line here though is, I had my heart set on doing this for him. I wanted us to be connected by love through our kidneys. I wanted so much to give him a better life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 You may still get to do that sweetheart . I just can't imagine your disappointment right now. I think everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. But you are brave. See you guys have so many solutions already! Maybe they can do the transplant in another state? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted August 22, 2013 Author Share Posted August 22, 2013 I had the craziest nightmare last night. I dreamt that I was at a hospital getting tests done, endless tests and just when I thought there were done, they wanted to test me for skin cancer and they took part of my scalp and hair and stapled it to a cardboard strip and the put staples in my head. There was no pain though. I remember thinking I wanted to go home but I was an in-patient and they wouldn't let me leave. In my dream I called Jesse and told him I wanted to go home because they had already tested me for everything and he just kept saying 'uh huh', but he never spoke to me. I actually feel somewhat better today, I'm in better spirits that's for sure. Jesse greeted me with a huge hug when I was walking into my office. He's really trying to keep me grounded here, I appreciate that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Everything that he is done for you in the past little while says that he loves you ,giving hugs telling you he loves you ,trying to support you through this hard time even giving you his pension that all says he loves you very much. He must love you very much indeed if he's willing to give you his life's work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted August 22, 2013 Author Share Posted August 22, 2013 Taken from link removed To dream that you or someone has been scalped suggests that your vitality and energy is being drained away by some situation or someone else. It's like that dream site knows my life. LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaDonna Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 Taken from link removed To dream that you or someone has been scalped suggests that your vitality and energy is being drained away by some situation or someone else. It's like that dream site knows my life. LOL I hope you are feeling a little better these days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted August 25, 2013 Author Share Posted August 25, 2013 I am sort of, well at least I was for the past couple of days but seem to be in that weepy mood again today. I'm determined to keep myself busy at work today. I have some paperwork that needs to get filed, I need to schedule some work for some buses tomorrow then I'm going to bring my car next to my office and unload all of my coupon crap. I have weeks and weeks of coupons that I haven't touched and a huge coupon binder that needs to be cleaned out. I had definitely lost my couponing mojo for several weeks and desperately need to get back into it because I am out of almost everything and I can't fathom the idea of spending full price for my stuff. On a positive note, he's taking me out today. His idea. We're going to Olive Garden for the endless pasta. We haven't had a date date in a while, it's long overdue and we really need this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaDonna Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 Enjoy Olive Garden. That sounds yummy! I have weeks and weeks of coupons that I haven't touched and a huge coupon binder that needs to be cleaned out. I had definitely lost my couponing mojo for several weeks and desperately need to get back into it because I am out of almost everything and I can't fathom the idea of spending full price for my stuff. Funny you mentioned it, I JUST DID mine moments ago. I had a months worth piled up. Felt good to get it organized. Keeping busy is always good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 Enjoy your date!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted August 26, 2013 Author Share Posted August 26, 2013 Well I didn't do any coupon sorting or clipping yesterday or today for that matter but I did have a nice dinner with Jesse. He isn't the romantic type at all, never has been. Yesterday we were sitting accross from each other and he says in this voice "babe we're on a date". So while I holding his hands, I tell him "it's a date, you are supposed to say something to woo me".....he thinks for a second and he says "I'm paying for dinner". LMAO.... So dinner is great, we're laughing and having a good time. I take his hands again and said "our date is almost over, you should say something nice to your your date" ..he looks at me lovingly, looks down and says "are you gonna eat that"? He just laughed and laughed, so did I. He was just too funny and it's that side of him that I needed. There was no talk of transplants or doctors, nothing like that. It was just us, oh and sports talk of course. I wish we could have more of those dates. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 26, 2013 Share Posted August 26, 2013 Awwww that sounds AWESOME! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted August 26, 2013 Share Posted August 26, 2013 LOL. Que romantico. Really glad you guys had a nice, carefree time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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