A day in the life of Mama Metro (metrogirl)

[metrogirl]

I'm now enjoying the beginning of 3 days off. Had a nice dinner with Jesse after he did his bloodwork at the lab. We were watching the basketball game but he is now sitting on my sofa snoring so I guess I am the only one watching the game. LOL

 

I have already viewed the results of his bloodtests. His kidney function dropped and his phosphorus and creatinine are up. I'm still holding out hope that the doctor will prolong the start of dialysis but part of me thinks the order will go in next week when we see the Nephrologist. He's mentally prepared to start if need be but he definitely doesn't want to be on hemo for a long period of time, so hopefully the referral for the surgeon will go through quickly and he can get his peritoneal catheter placed in his stomach.

 

For now, I don't want to think of all the medical stuff or work or anything else that isn't pleasant. I want to enjoy the next 3 days off and be relaxed.

 

So here's to having a great weekend!

[metrogirl]

I ended up taking 4 days off! Yes I did relax and have some me time. I spent some time with Jesse on Friday. We went to Cabazon and did some outlet shopping, thanks for the Coach purse honey. and then we headed over to the casino. I didn't like that casino at all. My game of choice is Keno. I don't do a lot of slots or table games so I found out they have a 'keno' room. Sweet! I head over to the keno room and it's a small room filled with regular slot machines and a handful of keno machines. Not even the type of keno machines that I like. I couldn't find an available machine to save my life so I wanted to leave. Jesse was saying I should just play something else. Ummmm, I play keno. So we headed home and I drove so he could sleep. He was in a lot of pain from walking around the outlets.

 

Saturday I met up with the my best friends for dinner at Olive Garden. We did some Vegas planning and they suggested a girls weekend, just the three of us. Vegas will be for everyone, boyfriends included but the weekend trip after that will be just for the girls. I was leary about commiting because I'm not comfortable leaving Jesse but he told me I need a weekend to unwind and wants me to go. YAY

 

I have more to add here but I think I better get started on some paperwork. I'll update in a little bit.

[JonasWaingaro]

Glad you had some time off Metro. And good for Jesse understanding you need some girl time alone. You should definitely go.

[metrogirl]

Hello journal, it's been a few days.

 

It's been a busy week for me, appointments for Jesse and then I fell ill. I had to go to the ER on Thursday night and then to my doctor on Friday morning because the ER doctor was completely clueless or unwilling to help me. *shakes head*. I knew going into the ER that I have an H Pylori infection. I have had them over the years and they make me really sick. The tests that are done for H Pylori don't garner results for several days and the ER doctor wasn't going to help me until I gave her a stool sample. Well I'm sorry, I just spent 3 days with diarreha (sp) there was nothing left to give and even if I had been able to give her something she wouldn't have seen the results for several days anyway. What I was hoping was she would just start the antibiotics via IV like I have done previously over the years but nope, she sent me home. She didn't even examine my stomach, never touched me. She literally spent about 90 seconds in the room asking for stools. She did have the nurse give me IV fluids and something for pain but that didn't even help.

 

So I saw my doctor the next morning, he started me on the nessecary medication and the rest is history. I'm feeling better but I still get some pain in the stomach area. I have to watch what I eat, nothing acidic and nothing spicy. Nothing fried or greasy. There was some bleeding which hopefully will heal with the antibiotics.

 

We recieved the transplant paperwork and evaluation appt for mid August. There is a lot of paperwork that has to be filled out and I was going over everything and I'm starting to feel nervous, not sure why. I thought I had a pretty good handle on things and I was feeling confident and this is the first time that I am feeling weird about everything. Probably fear based, will I be able to care for him after his transplant? If I am fortunate enough to be his donor, I need to make sure there is someone that can help take care the both of us. How will I handle his insane family? Things like that have been creeping up in my head lately.

 

All in all though, we have been getting along great. This has certainly deepend our bond and love for each other. I wish we could have had this kind of relationship early on but I guess everything happens for a reason.

[Miss Firecracker]

Wow! You are going through so much, Metro.

 

Hoping for the best for you both.

[metrogirl]

I thought I was going to an appoinment with Jesse today but it turns out I had the time wrong and I wouldn't have been able to go anyway so I did the next best thing and came into work early for some OT because the morning girl called out. LOL I do love making my money.

 

Work is nice and quiet, for that I am thankful. I am going to be here until 10pm so it could get busy later. I think I want to take another extended weekend off, I sure did enjoy my time away from here. LOL

[metrogirl]

I'm frustrated and kind of took it out on Jesse but he is the source of my frustration and now I feel a little bad like I should have just bit my tongue. Sometimes I really feel just drained from everything.

[Miss Firecracker]

I'm frustrated and kind of took it out on Jesse but he is the source of my frustration and now I feel a little bad like I should have just bit my tongue. Sometimes I really feel just drained from everything.

 

I did the same thing today, to my son, because he wouldn't brush his teeth. He has enough problems without me yelling, but then his health will suffer and he will stink too. What to do? There is no guilt you will feel like being mean to a sick person.

[metrogirl]

Maybe last night wasn't a good night to spend with him, I was already feeling bad for being snappy but he seemed really happy to see me regardless. We stayed up later than usual watching tv and then decided to get some sleep. That is when he started engaging in this really deep conversation with me and basically his main question was "how will I know when it's time to stop fighting and be okay with dying"? I asked him was he thinking about giving up and he said "Im getting tired, maybe I should just stop now so I can be at peace". I explained to him that he has been blessed more than most. He is still able to walk, talk, eat, drink, sleep. He can rise out of bed, he still has all of his functions, has been stable enough to avoid dialysis so far and has 5 people lined up that are interested in being a live kidney donor. I know for a fact from others that I talk to on a different forum, they don't have any live donors and they are stuck waiting potentially years on a list. According to his doctor, he could be transplanted as early as December. Yes he is blessed more that he understands and I don't think he sees that his giving up and choosing not to fight would crush me when I know he has many good years left.

 

We finally have the closeness that was needed in a relationship, I have never loved him more than I do now and for him to even think about wanting to check out now is just absurd. I feel so heartbroken right now, like everything I have done isn't good enough. We are supposed to see his primary doctor today because he is having some pain in his feet and legs, likely some diabetic neuropathy. I don't even know how I am supposed to attend this appointment with him and keep a poker face. This day is really going to suck.

[Seraphim]

I am praying for you and your bf Metro. Yes, keep reminding him about WHY he is so blessed.

[metrogirl]

He can think, he can drive, he can still see. An opthamologist detected a lot of bleeding in his eyes and a year later, he still has his vision. Yes he is blessed. He lives on his own, able to care for himself. He can still bathe, get himself dressed, and can still groom himself. He has a great job with 21 years of senority and excellent medical benefits. He is blessed, do you know how many people don't have insurance? How many people will never receive the kind of care that he recieves? His transplant is being scheduled at one of the very best transplant centers here in Los Angeles. He is so very blessed yet because he feels sick and probably because of another diagnoses that has reared it's ugly head, he wants to just call it a day.

[Seraphim]

Yes, Metro there are SO many people who fight so hard just to live and survive while sick and have to live on a shoe string and prayer. Please try and get him to see how good he has it. I know this is all so stressful for you both and you have my prayers.

[metrogirl]

I'm more forgetful than usual, I'm not suprised though. Working a lot of hours and dealing with everything can make a person a tad batty. I have torn my house apart just now looking for my appointment book. I have all sorts of information regarding his dr's visits, future appointments, dates noted as to when his disability papers were filed, literally everything and I needed to refer to this book this morning because I have to make yet another appointment and I can't find it anywhere. This of course caused me to have a mini meltdown and I know it's probably stupid, it's just an appointment book and I can replace it but I feel like I have suffered a loss.

 

I've never been an organized person, that is certainly not my strong suit and this was really my first time having everything organized and I felt proud that I was managing everything and now I feel like I have let myself down. Yes I can go buy another organizer today but I have lost all the pertinent information. I know I sound crazy and I shouldn't feel this way but I do and I don't know how to make myself feel better about it. Please tell me I'm not having some kind of emotional breakdown because honestly, I haven't stopped crying since 8:00am.

[Sanesoul]

Mama, you are going through a hell of a lot right now. I'm not surprised you are frazzled. You need to take it easy on yourself. Don't beat yourself up for losing the book, you can always call and find out when Jesse's appointments are again. It wouldn't hurt for you and Jesse to both keep an appointment book, so if one of you forgets, the other won't.

 

It's got to be incredibly hard to have on top of all of that, Jesse questioning whether he wants to continue to fight. Take a deep breathe and relax a little bit.

 

I hope you feel better soon *hugs*

[metrogirl]

An ounce of good news, when I saw my doctor on Friday for my stomach infection I told him that I was looking to get tested as a potential kidney donor. He ordered the tests and called me this morning. Positive for the H Pylori bacteria that has caused a nasty stomach infection but I already knew I was going to be positive anyway because of how sick I was. He checked my kidney function, my GFR is 98! That means I have 98 % of my kidney function. My kidneys are strong and healthy and are excellent for transplant. Now I just have to get tested in August after his evaluation, assuming I can keep his spirits strong.

[BellaDonna]

I'm glad you got good news about the prospects for kidney donation. I hope your stomach issues resolve soon and that you feel better. Hang in there!

[metrogirl]

Another hopefully just temporary setback for him. He was scheduled to return to work today but we had already planned to see his primary doctor to discuss the issues with his feet. They had been changing color, they are now a purplish color and the tops of his feet and toes are very painful, having anything touch them sends shock waves of pain. The nephrologist suggested it could be diabetic neuropathy so this is what we wanted to discuss with his primary today. After some examinations, he believes Jesse has an infection in both feet. He examined his toes closely and stated "his toes are not healthy". He's had an ongoing problem with fungus in between his toes and the doctor says that some bacteria has entered the open skin creating the infection in his feet. It's not secret that diabetics are at an extremely high risk of loss of toes or feet so he has to be very careful and maintain good health in his feet so he doesn't end up an amputee.

 

The doctor extended his time off for another two weeks to see if the infection clears up with antibiotics.

 

This gave us a chance to really talk about his comment last night that had me so upset. He apoligized several times and told me that he was just speaking out of frustration because he is tired of being sick, tired all the appointments, tired of the endless pills he has to take, tired of worrying if he is going to eat the wrong foods that will shut down his kidneys. He assured me he doesn't want to give up and thanked me repeatedly for standing by him through all of this. He said he wants to get better because he wants to have the best possible life with me. So I feel somewhat better, although the emotional stress that I was under today, made my stomach condition worse and I am feeling as bad as I did last week. Stress is really not good for someone that has a bleed in their gut.

 

Never did locate my appointment book, my daughter told me to stop obsessing over it. She's right, I need to stop I just feel a huge loss. Some dumb.

[thejigsup]

Like my mom used to say, "If you didn't take it out of the house, it's still there somewhere so find it. If you did take it out of the house, don't worry about it, it's just a thing, not a person." I lost things all the time and I always try to remember my mother's words so I don't freak out too bad. If you did not take it outside the house, it will show up, guaranteed.

[metrogirl]

Like my mom used to say, "If you didn't take it out of the house, it's still there somewhere so find it. If you did take it out of the house, don't worry about it, it's just a thing, not a person." I lost things all the time and I always try to remember my mother's words so I don't freak out too bad. If you did not take it outside the house, it will show up, guaranteed.

 

Thank you Jigs. I know I saw it on the end of the couch the other day and I know for a fact that I didn't take it with me for his colonoscopy appt on Friday because I knew I wasn't going to have to refer to it for any information. I searched everywhere as did my mother and my son. You would have thought we were clearing out the house the way we moved everything around. I hope it does turn up, I will try to keep positive about it. Big hugs to you.

[metrogirl]

I had to call my doctor today, I left a message. I'm experiencing really bad pain in my stomach, I can't eat and I feel sick constantly. I was feeling better over the weekend but yesterday the symptoms came back and I feel like I did when I saw him last Friday. I'm waiting to hear if he can call something else into the pharmacy. He already has me on 2 antibiotics and an acid killer. I just need something to help curtail the pain. This is horrible.

[BellaDonna]

Oh no! I hope you find some relief soon.

 

((hugs))

[metrogirl]

It was an absolute week from hell, you know the old say "what can go wrong will go wrong"? It's a Murphy's Law thing. LOL Being sick just made everything worse, I wasn't sleeping well, I was tired from working OT. Jesse hasn't been feeling well, the appointment book thing really upset me. Well Wednesday, I was in horrible pain, I felt like I was dying no lie. My doctor told me to take the tylenol with codeine that he gave me for the migraines and said it should help with the pain and not harm my stomach. I couldn't sleep and I had to work that night. I decided to call out sick, I was going to take myself to the hospital that night to see if something else was going on but my daughter called me and said my grandson hit his head in the shower and was bleeding a lot, I needed to take them to the ER. He ended up getting 5 stitches above his eye. I get everyone home and I return back to my house, I notice my wallet is missing. I look through the car, I know I had it when I left to take them to the ER. I drove back to the hospital a few cities over to see if I had lost it in the parking lot. Nothing, I checked with the guards, nothing. So I call the bank from my cell and cancel my cards. I pray I don't get pulled over coming back home because my license is gone too.

 

In the morning, I go back to the car and low and behold the wallet was in between my seat and the center console, it's a thin wallet (dark brown) and I didn't see it when I searched the car. So thankfully I have everything but my cards were already cancelled. I can't make my car payment or pay any bills for that matter because of the card being closed. Sigh. I had to go to the bank, withdraw everything in cash and pay as many bills as I could at a little market that accepts payments. The only thing I still can't pay is my car payment.

 

I should back up a little, sorry for the length but I want you guys to see how crazy everything was. I had talked to jesse prior to finding my wallet and I asked him if I could use one of his cards and I would just give him the money for everything. Well he didn't say yes and he kept saying their had to be alternatives like the bank giving me a temporary card or something. I was just really upset at that moment, I felt like as much as I do for him he should have just said yes. I was already stressed to the breaking point and I just lashed out. He and I were fighting, god it reminded me of the old days. I was scared at how much anger I felt towards him. I know it has to do with the building stress.

 

I think I need another me weekend and soon! This weekend I have a house full of people, all my grandkids are here because their house is being fumigated for bedbugs. My normally tranquil house is overrun with kids right now. My house is a wreck and for some reason they won't stop fighting with each other. Yeah, it's been a long week.

[Miss Firecracker]

WOW! I would say it can't get worse, but I'm afraid to.

[BellaDonna]

I'm so sorry to hear how stressful things have been for you. I am glad you ultimately found the wallet in the end, but what a roller coaster ride to be taking in the midst of everything else. -Those little life disruptions like the process of cancelling and opening accounts are so draining. They make any stressful situation worse. Hang in there!!!!

 

I agree- you need a Metrogirl Weekend!!!! no kids, grandkids, Boyfriend or any other competing agenda. Just you and pampering and relaxation.

 

I hope your stomach is feeling better at least.

[Miss Firecracker]

PM anytime!