Wife doesn't want me anymore

[ksh1255]

I have no doubt in my mind she suffers from something I am sure stemming from her childhood. Behind the beautiful looks, there is alot of insecurity with her....which I think is reflective on how she carries herself.

 

Her losing interest in sex, has been told to me by 3 different guys that I know of it happened with. So, it seems its a pattern when she gets bored and begins to lose interest. I just wishes that she would see that, tho its not the most fun times all the time, the family life is so much better than the partying and all that. Especially at the expense of giving your marriage up and pulling your family apart to do it.

[John Bendix]

Poppa,

 

Some great insight into a disturbing condition. A condition that affects the lives of many people.

 

If I can point some of the traits that BPDer's share with Walkaways. One is mentioned here. It is the "entitlement" right that some think that they have. As in "I deserve....", as if some outside force should be given them what they seek. Things should be the way that they want them because they deserve it.

 

When this does not happen for them the duo of "blame and complain" enters the picture. The ego, and the protection of it, which dominates their existence does not allow them to accept blame or responsibility for anything. The defense mechansim of complaining about how things attempts to push the blame onto someone or something else.

 

The refusal to accept things as they right now in our lives is a shared maladaptive trait but it is to what degree we let it dominate our lives determines our level of dysfunction. Denial plays a major role in most depressive illnesses.

 

It became clear to me that my X "had" to leave me before I abandoned her as had her father did. Her parents gave her, and her sister, absolutely no affection. Buying her things was the only way that her mother was able to show her attention. I understand that lack of affection from the mother may contribute to one's succeptability to BPD.

 

Narcissism is demonstrated in their self-absorbed nature. Overt selfishness is apparent. During their "darker" times, they are coerced into taking this approach to dealing with the world as, as perceived by them, a means of self survival. Their egos feel threatened and desperately install a "wall" for their own emotional protection.

 

The "black or white" is also demonstrated. Many friends have told that my X bragged to everyone that she had the best husband, marriage, and the greatest kids right up until the day she left. I went from her rock to the devil himself in one clean swoop.

 

One point that was brought up in my study of BPD is the possibility of abuse as a child or adolesent.

[ksh1255]

The "black or white" is also demonstrated. Many friends have told that my X bragged to everyone that she had the best husband, marriage, and the greatest kids right up until the day she left. I went from her rock to the devil himself in one clean swoop.

 

My wife told me I was 120 times better than your average husband, but there was always room for improvement. She told me she was happier than she has ever been, even at one point telling me she wishes we could take the month we split back. I was definitely her rock - and in a matter of no time, I was doing nothing else a husband wouldn't do. I was nothing but a caretaker to her, she could find that in anybody, and that she doesn't want to hear everything I did for her because it takes away from it, it's like throwing it in her face.

[John Bendix]

An old adage that we have posted before when in involved in these type of situations:

 

"Believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear."

[ksh1255]

well today she acted like an ass to me, which tells me that she had someone over there. Her ex text me and said it aint nothing like that, they are friends, and he is friends with me. But then, he wouldnt answer his phone. That told me all i needed to know. This was the only ex she criticized for his drinking, and his lack of sexual skills, but he is the guy in her clique thats single. She buddied up with his sister, and he was always a push over when it came to her. So, no surprise he would fall right back into the trap.

 

She refused to let me get my daughter today, and that was the last straw. I am done with any kind of hoping to work it out of anyway. I have my consultation with my lawyer Wednesday, and I pray in the end she gets everything she deserves out of life, nothing.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I just want to say that I feel your pain ksh1255. I've followed your story and other than a few minor differences, it reads just like the hell I'm going through now. I hope things work out for both of us.

 

I won't go into much detail about what I'm going through because hey, this is your thread, but I will say that about 7 months ago my wife out of the blue decided I was an evil person and other than the short amount of time after I gave her something that and I quote "If I have this I'll be happy", my life was a life lived in fear of not being absolutely perfect for her. If I screwed up, it was immediately branded as evil again and the whole cycle would start again. It wouldn't be so bad, but she would take everything out on not just me, but our 3 kids too.

 

Because of this thread I learned about BPD and due to the severity of her symptoms (apparently you need to have 5 of 8 symptoms according to link removed to be diagnosed, I can say from living with her she has 7), I'm going to see what I can do to get her evaluated. Right now she has our kids, living at her parents. I'm not scared for them right now since her mom and dad are around. I'm absolutely terrified what's going to happen when she's alone with the kids.

 

Thank you for having the strength to post your story, I believe that you might have just inadvertantly saved me and my kids. At the very least my eyes have been opened up that I did my best and what happened was not my fault.

[ksh1255]

I hope it helps matters. I know that my wife has alot of problems, and until she can come to grips with this, no man is ever going to change that - because it is her own self in which she is not happy with, rather she admits that or not.

 

As for my situation now, it is leading into an ugly divorce situation, in which she would not agree to let me get split custody of my child until it's all handled. So, as it stands now, it will be late August, or early September before we ever get into court and I get to see my child.

 

I will never understand any of this. How I was such a loving husband and father, who turned my own world around to let them know that my family was #1 to me. I did everything I had to do while she went thru school. I took good care of her son, loved him like my own, and supported him as well. In the end the thanks I get is this, you already walked out leaving me high and dry, taking the only things in my life that mattered to me....and now I will have to go another month or two and you not even allow me to see my child.

 

I sure hope in the end, people like that get what they deserve.

[Raoul]

I sure hope in the end, people like that get what they deserve.

 

Not likely. Best to work on making sure that you get what you deserve and let others do the same. Let those chips fall where they may. Focus on you.

 

Raoul

[Hell_On_Heels]

I think in the end people like that do get what they deserve...it's a natural consequence of what they put their energy into. My ex will probably never have a happy successful relationship because he can't/won't offer the emotional intimacy to others that he craves to have for himself. It's impossible to sustain.

 

The thing is, we get the results of whatever we put our energy into as well. Like Raoul says, focus on what you deserve and go after what you want in your life.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

True enough. I advise you to do what I'm doing. Concentrate on your child and yourself. Don't make this about revenge, only about what's good for you and your child.

 

I'm look at my wife and I see a sick person who has a limitted grasp on reality. I need to do all I can to protect my children from this woman until she gets help and gets better. After that I have no problems with her, I just want her out of my life as much as possible. I know that isn't possible, she'll always be there, but if she can be stable and rational, then it will make life easier and me and the kids.

 

I angry at my wife for taking my kids while I was at work and continually telling them lies about what's going to happen to them (They think they're coming to school one week in her town and one week here for example). This is the sign of a sick person, I feel sorry for her more than anything and scared for my children.

 

Keep it professional, the more negative emotion you show towards her now will only hurt you more in the end. Don't give her ammo to use against you.

[John Bendix]

From ksh:

 

"I know that my wife has alot of problems, and until she can come to grips with this, no man is ever going to change that - because it is her own self in which she is not happy with, rather she admits that or not."

 

Truer words have never been posted

[ksh1255]

So we are almost 2 months post separation, and I am trying my best to move on. After doing a lot of reading, I truly believe my wife suffers from BPD. Reading them articles were like living in my life. I am trying my best to have as little contact as possible, but she makes it hard. She is rushing the separation, but isn't truly unattached from me. She stalks my Facebook, calls wanting to know whose car is at my house, accuses me of sleeping with everyone, it's insane. I hate to say it but all she does now is degrade me and everything I did. (painting me black) I really feel she has it in her mind that I am the reason for the divorce, and that I didn't do anything right. This couldn't be any further from the truth. However, there are a whole lot of unanswered questions, in which she offered to answer anything I asked, but what was the point? No matter what she said I wasn't going to believe it anyway. The few questions I have asked she would make light of and then say it has nothing to do with anything now because we are over etc. So, I just keep them to myself. She has really crushed my self worth, self esteem, my confidence, everything...now I see it's part of a BPD'ers emotional abuse tactics. Hopefully over time I can regain all of this. Sorry to vent, but I found this article which really hit home with me.

 

Are you in a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder?

 

Do you find yourself concealing what you really think or feel because you're afraid of the other person's reaction, and it just doesn't seem worth the horrible fight or hurt feelings that will surely follow? Has this become so automatic that you have a hard time even identifying what you think or feel?

Feeling like you're walking on eggshells much of the time, and that no matter what you say or do, it will be twisted and used against you.

Being blamed and criticized for everything wrong in the relationship, even when it makes no logical sense.

Being the focus of intense, even violent rages that make no logical sense, alternating with periods when the other person acts perfectly normal and loving.

Feeling like you're being manipulated, controlled or even lied to sometimes.

Feeling like the person you care about sees you as either all good or all bad, with nothing in between. Wishing that the person would act like they used to, when they seemed to love you and think you were perfect and everything was wonderful.

Feeling like the other person is like "Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde": one moment a loving, caring person; another moment someone who seems so vicious you barely recognize them. Wondering which one is "real." Hoping that it's a phase that will go away -- but it doesn't. Feeling like you're on an emotional roller coaster with high highs (things are incredible, fantastic) and very low lows (feeling of despair, depression, grief for the relationship you thought you had).

Being afraid to ask for things in the relationship because you will be told you're too demanding or there is something wrong with you. Being told that your needs are wrong or not important.

Wondering if you're losing your grip on reality because the other person is always putting down or denying your point of view. Plus, the other person often acts just fine in front of other people, so no one believes you when you explain what's going on.

Feeling that nothing you do is ever right, and when you do manage to do what the other person wants, suddenly they change their expectations. The rules keep changing and no matter what you do, you can't win. Feeling helpless and trapped.

Being accused of doing things you never did and saying things you never said. Feeling misunderstood a great deal of the time, and when you try to explain, the other person doesn't believe you.

Being constantly put down, yet when you try to leave the relationship the other person tries to prevent you from leaving in a variety of ways -- anything from declarations of love and promises to change to outright implicit or explicit threats such as "you'll never see the children again" and "no one but me will ever love you."

Having a hard time planning anything (social engagement, etc.) because of the other person's moodiness, impulsiveness or unpredictability. Sometimes, even making excuses for their behavior to other people -- or trying to convince yourself that this is normal behavior.

 

Emotional / Verbal Abuse and BPD

 

Many non-borderlines are verbally or emotionally abused by the person who has BPD. Many (but not all) people who have BPD were also verbally abused at some time in their lives. Emotional abuse is insidious. It can be worse than physical abuse.

 

Emotional abuse is any behavior that is designed to control another person through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. It can include verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics like intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.

 

Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in her perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it be by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance" or teaching, the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.

 

Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be longer-lasting than physical ones. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

 

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

 

Following are types of emotional abuse:

 

DOMINATION: Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it. When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.

 

VERBAL ASSAULTS: berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation. Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.

 

ABUSIVE EXPECTATIONS: The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs. It could be a demand for constant attention, frequent sex, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person. But no matter how much you give, it's never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.

 

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL: The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want. This could include threats to end the relationship, the "cold shoulder," or use other fear tactics to control you.

 

UNPREDICTABLE RESPONSES: Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts (This is part of the definition of BPD). Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.

This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.

 

An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.

 

 

GASLIGHTING: The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. You know differently. The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity. (If a borderline has been disassociating, they may indeed remember reality differently than you do.

Dissociation is the state in which, on some level or another, one becomes somewhat removed from "reality," whether this be daydreaming, performing actions without being fully connected to their performance ("running on automatic"), or other, more disconnected actions. It is the opposite of "association" and involves the lack of association, usually of one's identity, with the rest of the world.

 

CONSTANT CHAOS: The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others. The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement. (Many non-BPs also are addicted to drama.)

[ksh1255]

Wow thanks Poppa. Very insightful article. At this point it would do no good for me to tell her she has BPD, I would only be laughed at by her, and her crowd of friends. Seeing as I feel she is a High Functioning BPD'er..the life of the party social butterfly that only seemed to show her true side while at home. It's really odd because her crowd now all took her ex's side when they split, everyone was against her...but I guess since years have passed, and we have all hung out since - they are easily forgetting the drama she caused the first time. Call it believe that someone can change. However, it has been proven that with me, she is the same person she was with her previous husband 4 yrs ago. She isn't going to change, because she is in denial of her own problems.