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does begging and pleading to get back together and then going no contact damage or help?

Anon333

By Anon333
in Getting Back Together

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Anon333 Community Regular

Anon333

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I know most people would say the more you beg the person who broke up with you to be back with you, the more you push them away for good. But another view could be that after you have thrown your heart out there and tell them you love them and you would do anything to make it better, and still are rejected, and then you walk away, will those words not be remembered in the future and make them think twice? I know in past relationships where the man didnt want to break up and my emotions were shut off and I walked away, the things that I remembered later on is how strongly they had wanted me and how sad they were to see me go. It made me rethink things even though at the time it pushed me away. Anyone have this happen to them? The harder someone initially fights for the relationship, the more the person that walked away more regret it later on? Or am I just generalizing or hoping that my pleading may help instead of hinder future reconciliation.

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Anon333 Community Regular

Anon333

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I know initially it wont. But Im talking about later on when time as passed and the person does not feel trapped and has time to rethink the breakup...Do you think them remembering you pleading for them back will make them miss you more and regret walking away from someone who lived you so much, or they will look back and be turned off?

 

In my experience, Its made me miss the person and wondering if they still care about me with the same intensity, and that I lost someone that wanted so bad to be with me....

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jimmajam Enthusiast

jimmajam

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I know initially it wont. But Im talking about later on when time as passed and the person does not feel trapped and has time to rethink the breakup...Do you think them remembering you pleading for them back will make them miss you more and regret walking away from someone who lived you so much, or they will look back and be turned off?

 

In my experience, Its made me miss the person and wondering if they still care about me with the same intensity, and that I lost someone that wanted so bad to be with me....

 

To be honest, ALMOST everyone, does some form of pleading and begging at the beginning. I think it's natural and won't hurt and maybe even help as you're thinking. It at the very least shows that you didn't want it to end, you do want them back and you still care. Then once you stop and accept it ... once they do come around...if they do... then yes, they may still think you want them back.

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mgirl Experienced

mgirl

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I know initially it wont. But Im talking about later on when time as passed and the person does not feel trapped and has time to rethink the breakup...Do you think them remembering you pleading for them back will make them miss you more and regret walking away from someone who lived you so much, or they will look back and be turned off?

 

Maybe momentarily... I had this happen and i went back. Guess what? The pleading and 'loving' was all in their head... When it really came down to it (they did love me), but basically wanted their own way. That's not a healthy foundation for a relationship.

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mgirl Experienced

mgirl

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To be honest, ALMOST everyone, does some form of pleading and begging at the beginning. I think it's natural and won't hurt and maybe even help as you're thinking. It at the very least shows that you didn't want it to end, you do want them back and you still care. Then once you stop and accept it ... once they do come around...if they do... then yes, they may still think you want them back.

 

Do you think? Do you think everybody really pleads or begs? I don't know about that

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Anon333 Community Regular

Anon333

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i have trouble walking away from a relationship I dont want to end without first trying everything in my power to try and make it work, and this often leads to me losing my pride and begging them to reconsider, But if that doesnt change anything, and it usually doesnt, than I have no choice than to walk away and stop pushing for something thats not going to happen,,,,Im just wondering if this suffering eventually pays off in some way. That whether they want you back or not, they will look back and womder or have some regrets because you wanted them so bad, and now you are gone....?

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mgirl Experienced

mgirl

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it just caused me to feel MORE guilt for breaking up with them and MORE heartache for hurting them but that's it.

 

That is so true. One of my ex's did that and all i felt was guilt. I was consumed by it, so much so, that i think i ruined the next good opportunity that came my way, because i couldn't handle the fact that i was happy and "apparently" the ex was not. This particular ex was perfectly capable of meeting different people and forming new connections, but somehow convinced me that she was the perfect helpmate. She would have dropped me like a hot coal if the situation was reversed!

 

Anon333, i think you are grasping at straws here. There is a difference between approaching somebody with a rational discussion asking "is there anything we can do to save this", and begging and pleading. I don't think begging and pleading would work, if it was me, i would lose respect for the person.

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Anon333 Community Regular

Anon333

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well whats the difference? I tried to discuss what I could do to made things right. Asked if there was any chance. made suggestions. Did everything possible to make it work. Pretty much begged and pleaded but it was also trying to discuss things and put in the last efforts.....yes I cried, said I loved him...blah blah blah...Maybe it doesnt matter.....maybe i am just hoping that he will regret leaving me......of course I am....It is so hard to move on right now..I KNOW I have to leave him alone when everything inside me wants to be with him...

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jimmajam Enthusiast

jimmajam

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Do you think? Do you think everybody really pleads or begs? I don't know about that

 

ALMOST everyone I think so. I don't know a story where someone got dumped and just walked away. Everyone does some type of begging, pleading, bargaining. Maybe if you've been through 48458954 relationships or didn't really care then maybe.

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mgirl Experienced

mgirl

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bargaining.

 

Yeah, i agree. Bargaining is different to begging though.

 

Anyhow, i think once the original bargaining and pleading (or whatever it is) is done, then you are better off moving on. If you keep on going, it could be detrimental to your case.

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MandyJade Apprentice

MandyJade

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Yuck. I did the whole begging thing. I felt so right doing it, like if I argued and cried enough he would see my point. But now I feel dumb and pathetic for doing it.

I went NC right after the whole begging situation. I don't want him back now, and I am pretty sure he still feels the same as when we broke up, not interested!

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mgirl Experienced

mgirl

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But now I feel dumb and pathetic for doing it.

 

I stupidly pleaded by being very honest and leaving myself vulnerable. I really regret it now and if my SO came back, she would have to make up for a lot, cos i've left myself on the line, and i'm not prepared to do that.

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rapunzel Collaborator

rapunzel

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ALMOST everyone I think so. I don't know a story where someone got dumped and just walked away. Everyone does some type of begging, pleading, bargaining. Maybe if you've been through 48458954 relationships or didn't really care then maybe.

 

I did not beg nor plead but I believe I did a form of bargaining. I work with my ex part time so begging and pleading was out of the question, I had to retain my dignity. None of it works. I agree with the OP that perhaps the dumper will look back fondly at how much the dumpee was in love via the begging and pleading, and yes, the dumper may miss the dumpee but I don't believe the amount of begging and pleading will make the dumper have regrets and want to reconcile.

 

The most effective thing to do when being dumped is to calmly agree with the break up but very few people are able to do this *UNLESS* they were completely prepared and knew the break up was coming *and* are good actors and able to pull it off.

 

When you immediately accept and agree with the break up, and tell the dumper that yes, you do have feelings for him/her but you agree that breaking up is for the best, and you calmly smile, thank him/her for the wonderful experience of the relationship and kiss him/her on the cheek, give them a hug, wish him/her the best and walk away and then DISAPPEAR, THAT is the way to get the biggest reaction. Because this completely disarms the dumper and this behavior is not expected AT ALL.

 

It sounds like a game, and frankly, it is. In my humble opinion.

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mgirl Experienced

mgirl

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The most effective thing to do when being dumped is to calmly agree with the break up but very few people are able to do this *UNLESS* they were completely prepared and knew the break up was coming *and* are good actors and able to pull it off.

 

When you immediately accept and agree with the break up, and tell the dumper that yes, you do have feelings for him/her but you agree that breaking up is for the best, and you calmly smile, thank him/her for the wonderful experience of the relationship and kiss him/her on the cheek, give them a hug, wish him/her the best and walk away and then DISAPPEAR, THAT is the way to get the biggest reaction. Because this completely disarms the dumper and this behavior is not expected AT ALL.

 

Ha, that is gold! But, how many people can exercise that much self control? Do you have proof that it works?

 

The other alternative is to accept that it is over, not play games and deal with it accordingly.

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Anon333 Community Regular

Anon333

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So I am wondering, if everyone begs or bargains to some extent, as long as I stay no contact for now on Im not too crazy? I had about a week and a half of texting him and telling him I want to make it work and all the things Id do and the memories I had..I kept saying I will leave you alone now, and then I wouldnt...Granted, he came into my work to shop at one point when I was trying to get over him.. why? I dont know...I have told him not to for awhile, even though thats where he gets groceries.....

 

So one and a half weeks of groveling...The last grovel was when I told him I just couldnt quit him and wanted to talk...HE came over the next day, in my mind I thought it was to talk and maybe repair things, in his mind it was to get his stuff and say his last goodbyes and have closure I guess...That night and the morning after were my last freak outs....Asking him if there was anything I could do to fix it, if there was any possibility and he just said there was too much bad stuff and issues between us that tainted everything and this needs to be goodbye for good...So I told him please be sure and that I loved him and tell me if you change your mind and all that jazz...

The End..

Believe it or not Ive been ALOT worse in the past....But other exes usually gave me more uncertain feelings that made me try harder..His certainty is making me know there is nothing I can say or do to fix it...SO I told him I give up and I am.....But I cant help but to have hope he might change his mind, though Im sure that hope, or even that hope for it to happen will fade as time goes by

 

Was that too much begging? Or would you consider it maybe somewhat normal and not too extremely crazy and understandable? I just dont want him to look back at me as a crazy person....As long as I hold no contact it should be okay?

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BlueRizla Apprentice

BlueRizla

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I'd say the bottom line is this.. when heading towards a possible reconciliation, if there was genuine love, compatability and also a genuine attempt to resolve the issues that affected the relationship, begging and pleading post break up would not really matter. Someone who is open, authentic, forgiving and realistic about love, life and relationships (the sort of person you would truly want to reconnect with in the first place) would accept this happens. This generally takes some time apart. Therefore some initial begging and pleading followed by NC, some self analysis and hard work on your issues is the way forward. What often transpires is the dumper is the wrong person anyway, or the dumpee is hanging on due to other unresolved issues surrounding love addiction, abandonment, fear..whatever.. and this behaviour cements the decision in the 'wrong for you' person's mind. Often the dumper just realised you were incompatible way before the dumpee. With two people who are right for each other I dont think it matters when attempting getting back together.

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rapunzel Collaborator

rapunzel

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Ha, that is gold! But, how many people can exercise that much self control? Do you have proof that it works?

 

The other alternative is to accept that it is over, not play games and deal with it accordingly.

 

I suspect that not many people can pull it off. It's not necessarily a game, it can be looked at as an act of self-preservation and self-love.

 

Of course, letting your feelings out, being honest, begging, pleading, crying, bargaining are all reasonable and expected alternatives. There is no right or wrong here.

 

I have experienced this phenomenon myself. A month before we broke up for good, ex told me that he felt badly about being with me when he still had feelings for his ex. I felt a break was imminent. I kinda knew this was coming so I dug into myself and all the stuff I had learned about the psychology behind romantic entanglements. I did tell him that it felt bad being tossed against the rocks in the past by him and he apologized sincerely for making me feel that way. I then looked him straight in the eye and said sincerely "well, I think you should try to make things work with her. If that is what is going to make you happy then I hope it works out for you." I kissed him on the cheek and started getting ready to leave. He then said he did not want me to leave and did not want it to be over. I smiled and said I had to go and he chased me out to the car to kiss me. He continued to pursue me after this incident. I kept him at bay for a few weeks.

 

My error was relenting, missing him and taking him back too quickly. So the relationship ended. It probably would have ended anyway but it was amazing to see the light in his eyes when I encouraged him to pursue the woman he was still not over and wished him happiness in doing so. All of a sudden my appeal seemed to shoot up like a high flying stock.

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rapunzel Collaborator

rapunzel

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I agree with this. My relationship did not have genuine, authentic love nor compatibility. I believed we were compatible, *I* was in love and I do still think we *could* have been a couple but if the dumper thinks you are not compatible way before the dumpee, then it ain't gonna work.

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