Can a relationship that is over because it didnt work out ever work out in the future?

[Anon333]

So the beginning of our relationship was messy. There was drinking and back and forth break up, uncertainty on my behalf. Then we both tried to make it work. The past still haunted him, things were always shaky. But we had the same values, liked the same things, enjoyed eachothers company, were attracted to each other...I dont know if it was love.

 

We broke up because of messy beginnings and so many little things that added up. He said to move on, that it just wasnt right. But there was something that pulled us together over and over again in the past. I have since quit drinking and know what I want more. He seems angry at me that I wasnt affectionate enough, and had guys who were friends that liked me.

 

I think if we grew up and took things seriously we could have made a good couple. But nothing went right Im afraid. I know I have to move on and accept there is no chance, but has anyone ever ended up back with someone after issues were resolved and able to start fresh and try again? Is it possible?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sure there are success stories..it really depends on how bad the damage was. I think it is safe to assume that your ex feels like there is way too much damage for him to ever trust you again. Sometimes the wounds go too deep and you don't want to get on the merry-go-round again. You need to move on.

[Batya33]

It's a tough question because it depends on so many individual factors. For us it did work out the second time around - we seriously dated, broke up, got back together 8 years later. I think it worked because we both grew up, changed in a way that worked better for the other person and yes because we loved each other very much and had the same mindset of wanting to get married and start a family (as a general goal but we got back together with the understanding that that was the specific and very serious goal). There was never any cheating, abuse, drinking or drug issues - nothing like that.

 

On the other hand I went back and forth with the same guy over a 7 year period - sometimes we'd be apart for a month, sometimes for several months. It would be great when we "reconciled" and then the problems would resurface. We finally wore each other down, stopped being able to have the energy to try again, or the trust. It ended up being for the best I think.

[Anon333]

I feel like I proved to him how much I regretted my mistakes by quitting drinking and trying to win him back over months..He finally came back to me and things were up and down good. He doesnt think I showed him enough affection and he does think there is too much damage done...I agree there was alot of damage both ways, but I wanted to look beyond that and see the good. He could not....COuld he just be seeing all the negative right now and not any of the good? He says he just wants to get over everything and that it just wasnt right for us. But he's said that before and changed his mind. I know I need to walk away, but I wish there was a possibility for a clean slate in the future....He is already lightly hanging out with a new girl..Not officially dating her but Im sure it wont be long....I have been harassing him to be back with him and pushing him away more....My last chance is to leave him alone and walk away and hope he may not want to lose me...Its a long shot I guess.... Im just so sad right now, I'd like to think some day there could be a chance for us...

[Batya33]

I would give him all the space he wants and then some. If I were advising someone in his shoes I would say to wait until the other person had been sober for at least a year and had gone to AA or gotten counseling. There might be a possibility in the future but harassing him is going to torpedo that chance for sure. It also will give you a chance to get more perspective and you might end up agreeing with him on your incompatibility.

[Anon333]

he also drinks alot. We kind of bonded that way, but I was more out of control. I quit because of the mistakes I made. And I am happy I quit, although right now is the hardest time, I know it is best for any future relationship I have with others and myself. He fell ill with pancreatitis which can be from drinking too much. Now he is worried about his health and just wants space and is struggling himself with not drinking. I told I love him to just silence on the other end. Right now he has cut off all emotions to me and I have pushed him pretty far, whereas not long ago he was saying what a mistake he made...Its hard to accept its over, but it seems that is what he has decided is best. Maybe we werent compatible, but I think alot of it was because of alcohol at first and then because of those lingering issues...Its just so hard to let go, even moreso when he doesnt want me anymore after the comfort of knowing we would be together, even in past breakups...This time it feels like it is done...... I just want to believe the future might be different

[nicknick]

i would have to say from personal experience NO.

 

Folk come on here for support and for impossible answers. It's only human nature.

 

The biggest healer is time believe me cos it's the truth.

[Anon333]

I know in time I will probably realize it is for the best. Is hard when there were so many good things that could have continued into more positive good times. But he doesnt see that anymore. Guess Im just holding on. I told him I didnt want to be friends in the future and that I didnt want to hear from him unless he changed his mind. So now I just have long days of crying and trying to forget about him, while he is hanging out with some other chick. Doesnt seem fair. In my experience with other relationships, if you were willing to give them love and wanting to make things work, they eventually come back, but by then it is too late... Ive had exes come back after me being heartbroken for years and months. This part is just so hard.

[Batya33]

I know in time I will probably realize it is for the best. Is hard when there were so many good things that could have continued into more positive good times. But he doesnt see that anymore. Guess Im just holding on. I told him I didnt want to be friends in the future and that I didnt want to hear from him unless he changed his mind. So now I just have long days of crying and trying to forget about him, while he is hanging out with some other chick. Doesnt seem fair. In my experience with other relationships, if you were willing to give them love and wanting to make things work, they eventually come back, but by then it is too late... Ive had exes come back after me being heartbroken for years and months. This part is just so hard.

 

I know it's hard but try to understand that your drinking problem affected him very strongly - and understandably. If he is looking for a long term relationship and potentially to have a family getting involved with someone who recently had a drinking problem can be very scary. I have been there and made the same choice that your ex did.