Second Guessing my Decision!

[jaygirl]

Hi everyone. I left my bf but i am second guessing my decision.

 

 

We broke up because after two years he still said he wasnt sure i was the one. I dunno if my pressure contributed to this though, because i had be on and on about the marriage issue from the start. But i feel at least after two years he should know.

 

He treats me very well, and i was even supposed to go and see his parents this easter, though he changed his mind, but despite that he still says he is not sure i am the one. Isnt two years enough to know if you want to marry someone?

 

I decided to call it quits and sent him an NC message last friday not to contact me again, and he hasnt contacted me. Except on valentines day when he sent a simple text : 'Happy Valentines Day'

 

I have been wondering. As much as i am second guessing my decision, if you really loved someone at least, wouldnt you even try and call or put up a little fight? if he really misses the relationship at least wouldnt he be calling?

 

We were very close, spent lunch together daily (requested by him) and spent every weekend together. so i am really shocked that he isnt bothered that i havent even tried to contact him.

 

We have broken up about nine times in the past over this, but each breakup lasted three to four days. so i dunno if maybe he feels its just one of those, but i specifically told him this time i was done.

He kept saying he didnt want a break up, then i asked if he needed time, that i would be wiling to wait three to four years, he was silent. He is 29 and i am 28!

He said something about him being immature and scared of being tied down at such a young age! He is financially very very stable.

 

what is your opinion pls?

 

 

Should i have stayed back?

What do you think?

[Scarlet 1]

Men think differently than women do so just because you think that after 2 years you guys should get married doesn't mean that she sees it too. Would you want to get married because you love him and want to be with him for the rest of your life or do you want to marry him because you have been dating for 2 years and it's about time? think about it

 

That's what he may be feeling, he doesn't want to get married just because you have been together for so long.

 

Maybe you over reacted a bit. Poeple tend to do that when they feel their needs in the relationship are not met.

 

Talking to him won't make him propose to you instead you need to make him attracted to you again. try to be the woman that he fell inlove with.

 

Men have done crazy things when it comes to love and attraction so don't do the obvious thing and try to talk him into marrying you or use a break up to get him to propose remember you can never force anyone to do something.

 

Just be the fun, misterious woman that he fell inlove with and see how that works out!!

 

Good luck!!

[lavenderdove]

If this has happened 9 times over this issue, and he has never proposed when you got back together, he may just be waiting you out, i.e., he knows you get upset then come back again and he still hasn't proposed (your threats are idle threats if you keep coming back even though he refuses to commit to you).

 

You certainly can't make someone be ready for marriage, but i think if marriage is extremely important to you, you need to set a limit in your head of how long you are willing to wait for someone to marry you. And if two years if your limit, then i'd stick to it.

 

He may be someone who never wants to marry, or doesn't particularly want kids, or is enjoying your company, but questioning whether he loves you enough to marry you.

 

My experience has been that if he does love you enough to marry you, he won't let you walk away. But to make that work, you must be the one who stays strong and tells him to contact you if he changes his mind about getting engaged, otherwise you're moving on. If he lets you move on, then he really didn't want to marry you.

 

At your age, you have several more years before fertility fades, but if you want kids, you should probably be thinking about marrying in the next few years. He has all the time in the world to dawdle, you don't. So you are being practical if you recognize that, and he isn't or doesn't care about kids right now.

 

So if it were me, i'd make it clear you want to be his wife, but you are getting too old to dawdle around if you need to meet someone else and have time to get to know them, marry, and have kids. And what if the next one doesn't work out, then you're over 30 and trying again. So he does need to recognize that he needs to take SOME step forward with you, whether that is getting engaged and having a long engagement of a couple years, that is fine. But if he genuinely is avoiding marriage, then you have to decide whether you are willing to be with him without marriage (and kids) or not.

[Just one voice]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I think sometimes it's an epidemic! Seriously! What happened to men who want to get married?

 

I have been in your shoes and I can TOTALLY relate to your frustration and your position. I absolutely know what it's like to try to explain over and over and OVER why marriage is important to you and still feel like you've gotten no where. The desire to get married shouldn't need justification, for cryin' out loud!

 

So, here's what I think... I think that your inclination to end it was probably a good one. You do need someone who wants to commit and it takes time to find a person who you would want as a life partner - not really the easiest thing.

 

If I had it to do over, I would try not to get sucked back into a relationship that wasn't moving in the direction that I needed it to. As for your two year time frame, I personally agree that that is plenty of time to get to know someone. At some point you have to take a leap of faith. No one gets a crystal ball to look into the future and say YES! This is the one that will work! The very best you can say is that things will be great and things will be awful and there'll be a lot of just plain ordinary days in the middle. The dream, of course, is that by joining your lives you will build something beautiful, strong and dependable - a home for your spirits.

 

I will keep my fingers crossed for you. Don't give up. You deserve to find a man who will commit to you.

[girlfriday]

I haven't read anyone's response but what exactly is it about marriage you want so badly?

 

I have dated men that I knew I never would marry but I had long-term relationships with them anyway because it felt "right" at that point in my life. I don't understand why you NEED to have that commitment. There is nothing with wanting it, don't get me wrong....but really ask yourself why.

 

Pressuring and pestering a guy about his stance on marriage with you isn't exactly what makes them want it either.

[girlfriday]

Also if you broke up 9 times within a year this breakup doesn't have much credibility. I think it's seen as petty and immature to break up so often and get back together. If you break up so easily, how can you say you're ready to work out issues in a marriage?

[shessofly]

you sure aren't setting the stage for a healthy marriage with 9 breakups. why don't you make up your mind once and for all what you want. you guys both seem a little old to be playing these sorts of games. maybe he just isn't ready for marriage, or maybe he's correct in his thinking that you are not the one. find out if he even wants to get married at all. you can't put a timeframe on such things - well you can, but pressuring someone into marrying you is a very bad idea.

 

people really do need to have this discussion fairly early in the relationship - say within at least six months find out what your partners views are on marriage and family. then you will know if it's time to move on, based on their answer.

 

EDIT: I once had a bf who broke up with me so many times i lost count, only to come crawling back each time. it was all because i wasn't the one and blah, blah, blah. it all became one big dramatic cycle that kept repeating itself. i was so glad the final time he said goodbye and walked out my door. i was so through with him. he came back thinking we'd start the process for the hundredth time. i say this to say make up your mind, find out what he wants, quit being a drama queen. that would drive anyone nuts. you don't say if he even wants to get married. find out now, if you don't know already.