I was emotionally abused for far too long

[mumto2]

Hi I'm new here. I want to post about my experience of an emotionally abusive relationship I managed to escape from. Just for my peace of mind really. I hope no one minds.

 

I was with a guy who behaved in a very strange way towards me and I never felt like I could leave. Even when I managed to leave him I am now still wondering if I imagined everything that happened.

 

We first met in 2005 when my son was 5 months old. I was a single mum at the time and he was a single dad to a little boy who is 3 years older than my son. I used to go to school with this guy although I didn't know him well I remembered him from school. He seemed to be great with my baby and we started seeing one another, but this only lasted for about 2 weeks. His attitude towards me instantly became stand-offish and I was always walking on eggshells around him. I ended things with him because he shouted at me for ruining his morning before he went to work because I offered to buy him breakfast. He became rude and argumentative and I coudln't understand why he would behave this way towards me.

 

I avoided seeing him and eventually I met someone else and I moved out of the area. After a while my relationship broke down with this new boyfriend. One day I got a phonecall from the 'ex' back home who apologised for tghe way he behaved towards me. I moved back home and began hanging out with this guy again. He seemed to be fine this time however he was very bitter over his ex girlfriend (mother of his son) and talked about her a lot. I thought he was trying to get over her and so I tried to help him. We grew closer and before I knew it we were in a relationship again.

 

He would constantly talk about his ex girlfriend and I became extremely resentful towards her, yet never met the woman and he seemed to be keeping me separate from her. I didn't understand why I felt the way I did about his ex girlfriend, I think he was putting all his resentment through me so he didn't have to deal with it. I was also never allowed to see his son and he would disappear to spend weekends with his son when he had him to stay. His parents also resented my son calling him "that littlun".

 

After 2 years, he still behaved the same and I was still not allowed to see his son. If we were out, quite often shop assistants would comment on how much my son looked like him and his reply was always "he ain't mine". I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. He also made life difficult for me with my friends. They stopped coming to see me and if they did, he would create such a bad atmosphere that they would leave - this was with him not even saying anything. His attitude was that of eggshells and complete disregard for manners or politeness. He would often make cutting remarks about us never having children to the point where I cried my heart out.

 

I ended with him the first time in December 2008 and he came round and proposed to me. He'd bought me a cheap £10 ring and at first I didn't say yes or no I gave no answer. Eventually I relented as I thought I loved him. However, he kept the engagement secret from his parents and sister, his best friend and even his son. Every time I tried to talk about arranging the wedding, he would becomes irate or change the subject. When I went to look at dresses, and shop assistants would ask when am I getting married, I would lie because the fact was we hadn't set a date. He told me he wanted to have babies with me - when the time was right for him - and that he wanted to see me pregnant. I was lied to.

 

He wouldn't move in with me. He kept saying his son woudln't be able to stay over and that he had too many debts which I knew was both a lie. When I probed him about why his son was not allowed to stay he got very angry and started trying to argue with me about "how will his son feel being shoved in somewhere he doesn't know". I felt guilty.

 

By the summer I was starting to realise my relationship was a farce - in the few years we'd been together, I realised he'd never taken me on a date once. He was reclusive and didn't even see his own friends. I was turning into him. People would comment that I looked miserable. Then in August last year I found out I was pregnant - something I had never planned on. When I did the test I was petrified of telling him because I knew he would be angry. Despite this I did tell him and he started to have a go at me. How did I think this made him feel - that this made him feel awful that I was pregnant. How arewe going to cope - he would have to get a 13 hour a day job, that we can't live together, that this would affect our relationship. Not once did he ask me how I felt. He told me to get an abortion. That he would come with me to have it done. Make sure I got rid of it.

 

I ditched him that night as I didn't feel like he cared about me at all. He was still in love with his ex girlfriend and after hearing something from his best friend - she dropped herself in it without meaning to - I believe I was all about rebound for all those years. I felt and I still do feel betrayed and absolutely gutted.

 

I went to the Brixton Marie Stopes Clinic but as I was only 4 weeks, they were not able to give me an abortion. I went home that day and made the decision to keep the baby. I told him I was keeping the baby and told him to keep away from us. So far he has.

 

I had counselling over this and I still feel quite raw because I still can't understand why someone would behave like this towards someone they love - or suppose to love. Why was I the target for rebound and why was he so callous towards me, making life difficult for my friends? My name has been tarnished as someone who tried to 'trap' the ex by getting pregnant, which was not the case at all. The friends of his don't know we were engaged. He has still kept this secret. I have since had to move out of the area because he's made me so miserable. Where did I go wrong?

 

He won't be going on the birth certificate because if he is, my life won't be worth living. He tried to strangle the ex gf when she stood up to him about their son and I don't want to be victim to that too.

[curious11]

Sometimes we latch onto people that cause us chaos. I know I do. And its VERY VERY hard to get out of it.

 

And when we do, we feel guilt and regret, but why? We know what these people do to us.. But deep down we will always tell ourselves what we want to believe.

 

Your lucky to be out of this relationship, now you can grow, and move on to be a bigger and better person in life.

[Planet Heart]

My name has been tarnished as someone who tried to 'trap' the ex by getting pregnant, which was not the case at all. The friends of his don't know we were engaged. He has still kept this secret.

Of course he keeps it a secret, because he's a coward and not a real man. Do not worry that his friends believe his half-truths. You know the full story and that's all that matters. It is his name and reputation that is tarnished, not yours.

 

I have since had to move out of the area because he's made me so miserable. Where did I go wrong?

You didn't go wrong anywhere! Why are you thinking that you did? You did the exact right thing by removing yourself from that situation. Each day away from him is a good day!