what do i do now??

[sweetione]

Hi everyone.

 

Just got back from staying overnight with my ex. Now I am confused all over again. I saw him online yesterday and we started IMing each other for about an hour when he had to tell me about having my missing pants and some other clothes and if I wanted he could drop them off to my place. I told him that there wasn't a hurry since I won't be wearing them in the summer but that if he wanted to see me, that i would let him. So then he asked me to dinner.

We went and as usual had a great time. By the way, we always had a great time. The breakup is because he "can't be in a serious relationship right now", " wants to date others" and I guess he just wants to be free. I am not sure if he feels this way because he is overwhelmed with working fulltime and also working on his masters at night. Or who knows what reason. I don't think he even knows. He was married for 5 years and met me right after. So maybe that has something to do with it . But i have never been married/divorced and i don't understand the fears that go along with dating again.

Anyway, when he was driving me home this morning, he went and got these stupid clothes from the trunk of his car. It hurt really. Because we had a great time. Nothing is different when we are together. We are still hugging, kissing, holding hands...everything...until the bag of clothes came out. It is almost like he had to give them to me. Wasn't me asking. But my toiletries, toothbrush, soap, shampoo, etc. were still in the bathroom, in his house(good sign, i think). He still has my apt key and I still have his keys. He just had to give me those clothes. Actually most of it was lingerie. When he dropped me off this morning, we kissed and he said that he had a great time and that we would do it again. And then i asked if I would talk to him soon and he just said that he would call.

 

We broke up April 4th. Had dinner 2 weeks after that. And this dinner is 4 weeks later.

 

What am I suppose to do? Is this a good thing so that I can get back together?? Seeing and talking once a month?? I don't think he has dated anyone else yet. But his school ends in 2 weeks and he will have his nights and weekends free again.

 

It felt so good to be in his arms and to wake up with him again but then when he dropped me off it just killed me inside. So hard to keep that smile on. I didn't want to get out of the car. I guess I am confused, I think i should be happy that i was with him, and I am but then i have this pain in my heart.

 

Can you tell me the way to procede from here???

[vitalcoaching]

Enjoy it for what it is.

 

He enjoys being with you obviously but wants his freedom as well.

 

What happened is not a sign that he wants to get back together, It's a sign that he enjoys the moment with you for what it is.

 

My advice is: do the same. Take it lightly and enjoy quality time for what it is. This is precious in itself. Don't build expectations from that.

 

He wants to give you your freedom and he wants his freedom as well.

 

This means as well that you are free to date other guys. Right now, he is not committed, so don't act like you are still committed to him either. This sends him a signal that you are too dependent on him, which is eventually exactly what he is running away from. Get your power and autonomy back. All your options are opened.

 

good luck and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach

[sweetione]

Is there anything I can do to have more than just moments? I can be patient but was wondering how/what I can do to get it all back?

[vitalcoaching]

The first step is to gain back your power and indepedence.

 

I'll be direct with you, okay?

 

You can't build on the emotional patterns which are there right now. You definitely need to ad something in terms of power, love, skills or confidence.

 

If you stay where you are, he'll perceive you exactly the way he has been perceiving you lately. He'll simply follow up on his present direction and take more distance.

 

This requires you to go deep. Shift patterns and go beyond your present comfort zone. Ad new qualities to your life which are not there right now. Take risks, challenge yourself.

 

Will this work? It will work with guys in general. Remove anything which is unattractive in you. Not sure if he will respond but he'll certainly notice the change.

 

Again, recover your full power and confidence first. Date other guys. This will give you validation from other sources and give you extra trust. It does not mean you'll follow up on that and build a new relationship.

 

You get the picture, seeing you totally focused on him is precisely what he runs away from. The moment you show him you are fine by yourself and independent, he'll have no problem spending more time with you.

 

The thing which is tough to accept is that the dating world is competitive. Extremely competitive. If you are not number one in a guy's mind, he'll keep looking, keep searching.

 

It's challenging both for men and women but it forces you as well to stretch your limits and challenge yourself.

 

Sorry for the cliche, but your remember "Grease" the movie... Remember Sandy? She has this comfortable set of values and decides to really stretch herself.

 

Guys recognize that. What scares them is "comfort zones", lack of renewal.

 

When you want to go for it, really stretch your limits and do what it takes to be number one in his mind.

 

Hope this makes sense.

 

Good luck and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach

[Mun]

Girl you need to do exactly what the man asks for : Give him space, and lot's of it.. Don't run to the phone next time he calls...In fact, let him wonder where YOU are and what YOU are up to. Make him wait for it, if he says he wants to "date other people" then don't sleep with him-he will repect you more.

 

You will have him eating out of your hand if you give yourself some value. A man-and no one for that matter-values something they don't have to work to earn. Make him work for it girlfriend!

Obviously the man likes to spend time with you and he wants and is planning to see you again, but he won't if you continue to chase him and crowd his space. He wants to be "just friends" then treat him casually like you do your other guy friends. Don't let him know he is that important to you and he will start to wonder if you are seeing other people too. Let him worry about you for a change. Trust me---It works!!

[sweetione]

THANK YOU!!

 

You both have given me excellent advice. I am going to give him space and take care of me. I do need the power back...he was lucky to have me and I am going to have to remind him.

 

Thank you again!

[Mix Maxster]

Vitalcoach,

 

K I know EXACTLY what you mean in that if you're not number one on their minds they're going to look for someone new. How does this person notice those changes or see them if they don't want anything to do with you in the first place? I ask that because it would appear my ex is completely ignoring me now, not that it's a problem as it was provoked, but now that she's not seeing or talking to me what is it that I can do so she will notice those changes and want to talk to me again.

 

Because I'll tell you what I think and tell me if it sounds plausible or that it would work. See I've noticed one thing lately, that women and men LOVE it when their bf/gf will go to extreme lengths to love them. Like buy them gifts and tell them they love them and treat them like a queen/king, but sometimes if it's continuous and if you're not easing up or giving them space it gives the appearance that you're clingy or desperate because you're TREATING them so great because you're desperate to keep them and think by treating them that way they won't leave. I know that sounds far-fetched, but then why is it that the ones who usually do the treating of the other person like a king/queen and are constantly wanting to hang out and they say I love you constantly are usually the ones who end up with nothing. But the ones who don't do that usually end up with someone in the end! Go figure eh?

 

So it's not so much that i'm going to become a complete ass, but I think that was a lot on my ex as all I wanted to do was hang out with her like all the time and be there like all the time and I didn't give her much space or room. That probably killed it over time, but with that said what could I ever do now to make her want to come back? I figure that just doing nothing now, letting it be, letting time pass and digging down deep and finding those things which I feel messed things up and changing those things will be able to do wonders in this situation. Wouldn't it be funny if they left because they ended up thinking they were better off without you because you would never change, but in the end you DO change and it's the other way around because THEY won't change?! PERFECT irony! And quite possibly the BEST attitude one can have for getting over being dumped because it's as I always say. The dumper isn't looking to change, they're just looking for someone else, the dumpee is looking to change so the dumper will come back, but in the end the dumpee is usually the one that is way ahead of the game because of that. Sucks to be the dumper actually because chances are they'll treat the new person the same way they treated you, they just don't get it.

[wanderingalonenow]

 

 

Great thoughts. I'd really never looked at things quite that way.

[Mun]

Mix master I don't know if you had a question or were just commenting but here is my 2 cents ( again-oh no!) People do notice when you've changed. If you were clingy before chances are now she would be wondering "why hasn't he called me like before?, He would always call me anyway" The thing is that you change for yourself and for your future relationships- to improve what will come. This girl and you might get another chance you just never know. Both people should enjoy some amount of space in the relationship or else how will you miss each other and then "just know" that you are meant to be together. If you are constantly in each others company it gets old really fast and boring down the road. It's when you are separated that you think " hey I really miss her/him" and want to see the other person. Good luck !

[tere]

The first step is to gain back your power and indepedence.

 

I'll be direct with you, okay?

 

You can't build on the emotional patterns which are there right now. You definitely need to ad something in terms of power, love, skills or confidence.

 

If you stay where you are, he'll perceive you exactly the way he has been perceiving you lately. He'll simply follow up on his present direction and take more distance.

 

This requires you to go deep. Shift patterns and go beyond your present comfort zone. Ad new qualities to your life which are not there right now. Take risks, challenge yourself.

 

>It's challenging both for men and women but it forces you as well to stretch your limits and challenge yourself.

 

>When you want to go for it, really stretch your limits and do what it takes to be number one in his mind.

 

vitalcoach

 

I have a question regarding "shifting patterns" does it means that by re-gaining confidence and looking different we are stretching our limits? or does it mean in the sense of independence? I don't quite understand this point and it seems really very interesting... could you develop a bit more?

[Mix Maxster]

Well essentially the best way to look at it is to be off in a better position in case they don't come back. REALLY it shouldn't be you being afraid of not getting htem back, it should be them not getting YOU back. Because it's the greatest feeling in the world when you instill confidence in yourself and push yourself to new high places in your life, by stretching your limits and doing what you may never have thought possible. Whether it be changing your pessimistic attitude to an optimistic attitude, or believing in your capabilities and what you're made of, essentially when you realize what your'e made of and what you can do it's quite powerful because you may see for the first time that nothign is impossible if you put your mind to it.

 

I don't want ot think for vitalcoaching, but I would take that as meaning that you should really apply yourself and get out there and do the things you always wanted to do or never thought you could do. Not like letting yourself go, but by getting out there and having fun! and showing people who you're about. Essentially by doing this sort of thing you will see for yourself that you are very desireable when you have confidence and do not show dependence on someone it really stands out. I think that's why jerks end up with the women, it's not because they're jerks, but because they show them that they don't need these women in a sense. But that doesn't mean you're going to be a flat out ass or else they won't be with you for long, but if you really love them but show them that you don't need them it really stands out and they may end up being the desperate ones lol.

 

Anyways I have no doubt in my mind that I could find someone new to love and I can sit here and say that it won't be the same, but I don't know yet. However something that I had talked to my dad about is very true, especially in my situation, that when you live in a small city it's very hard to find someone who best resembles or represents your true "soul mate". It's not that you're finding perfection, so much as you are finding someone who shares a lot of similar traits and personalities and shares interests and similar love for the thigns you love, that's really hard to find and it makes it work REALLY well when you find someone who best resembles that AND if there's enough differences to make it forever desireable because they're able to bring something new to the table. The reality is that not everyone is searching for that and that doesn't mean that when you find that person that the next relationship (if you break up) won't work, it just means that it may require a lot more work than the last relationship and unfortunatley just because it should seem that you two end up together doesn't mean it's going to happen.

 

So in the end, it's best to look down deep inside yourself and see where you went wrong, don't botehr asking your ex as they won't tell you. They don't want you to change because htey want to think you won't and they don't want to help you because then they will feel like an idiot for leaving you. They left because they thought you'd never live up to their inner expectations and they left because they thought they could find it in someone else, but if you end up changing into someone they wanted then that will really mess them up lol. It's not that you should take pleasure in doing so either, this isn't about resentment or revenge or making our exes jealous, that's not a mature attitude to have. I've learned quite a lot since I've joined this forum and I can honestly say that it sucked losing my ex, but it taught me an important lesson. That no one should depend on someone else to live or have a meaning in life, but that they shouldn't neglect the other person because of that. There's a difference between showing indepence from them and being an arogant ass, if you can show independence while showing love and compassion and doing great things they will never want to leave.

 

As for the questions, I was kind of asking them rhetorically, but I was kind of wondering how she would notice such changes if she's not looking for them. I mean she's gone, she's daitng someone else, she's not thinking about me anymore, I'm changing I'm getting out there and doing new things, I'm becoming more confident with each dday and I'm feeling like right now I'm better off without her. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't take her back, it's that let's hope for HER sake some other girl doesn't snatch me up . I'm not trying to give her a chance and it's not like I'm doing it for her or holding off for her sake, but really I don't know how to send the message that things have changed in me or how different everything now is. I know that holding off now would really sink in after a while because she may go "ok maybe he's gotten the point, perhaps now I should try being friends with him." but I dunno if I want to though, not that I would be mean but that I don't like how she's been doing all these immature things lately. And so really when it comes down to it, I was just wondering if my approach is a great one, I'm thinking it is, and that if my approach will actually be the very thing that will get her to notice i'm gone Kind of wondering if by me doing this, it won't have a negative impact on her but rather may let her know I understand everything and if I change she could end up dumping this new idiot

 

OHhhh how sweet it is when you don't rub it in their face but when you realize what THEY'RE missing out on instead of it being the other way around because I guarantee that right now she probably thinks I'm suffering or am so lonely or some stupid crap like that and I bet with all that pushing I did that she may think I'm a loser or something for trying to "win her back" or something lol.

[vitalcoaching]

The romantic idea of dating is something. Now, I believe there are other deeper forces at play. Something we could call destiny line. Long term evolution for that person.

 

When two persons meet and have a relationship, they share and explore together for while. They learn from each other, initiate new things together, etc.

 

After a while, the potential of this relationship can simply run out of energy. If you take a girl over a period of a life time, she might have to experience along her own inner growth path a series of energies, situations, etc. simply to expand her consciousness.

 

After a while, what one single person can offer (a present partner or bf, an ex) can simply feel limitted for her spirit. Her whole being might be calling for something bigger, further or simply different.

 

A fixed cluster of energies (like a relationship) can sometimes stop a person's evolution.

 

You, as an individual can "fight" against that person's destiny line. You can try to whop it, pressure it, manipulate it, but it won't work. You can't cheat with someone's destiny line. Their own spirit knows where they are going and what they want to experience in this life time.

 

What matters the most is not what you want: it is what they want, and what their own spirit wants for them.

 

If something essential is missing, they'll keep on searching until they find it. Sometimes no matter how much will power, determination and desire you have, it's not enough. That person's line of evolution is alreday set and they move in that direction.

 

The only thing you can do is support this person in reaching their inner goals. Sometimes the best way you can help is simply by being out of the way.

 

I know, it's tough. But truly I believe this the underlying dynamic I see behind what you describe, break ups, etc.

 

When you understand this type of dynamics, you role and mind set totally shifts.

 

There is more to say but I'll stop here for now.

 

Does this make sense?

 

Goodluck and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach

[Mix Maxster]

Yes it does in a sense,

 

I understand what it is you are saying, but I am not one to believe in a supposed fate or so called destiny. To me it doesn't make sense how ones entire existence has been predetermined and that the one they will forever love will come to them eventually. I can understand the notion in all of this in that she may have to go out herself and experience what other people are like in order to find what she's looking for, but that doesn't mean she didn't find someone she really could have truly loved. I cannot speak on behalf of my ex simply because I am not here, but I know whenever I looked into her eyes there was love there and most recently I still saw it only there was more to it. Almost like she enjoyed hurting me and talking about her new bf. In any case I will not drive myself mad trying to think of all the reasons or try to figure out why she left, she's gone and that's it, but why would she go to the extreme lengths of trying to show she's better off without me an why would she go to extreme lengths to ignore me when she could easily just show no emotion and be sincere and honest about it? Why has she become this immature brat who has basically let loose and has just put me on the sidelines?

 

That is what I was trying to figure out and I can't do anything but hope and pray that she grows out of it for her sake and her parents sake. Who knows, but then what makes a supposed soul mate? If you say find your soul mate SIMPLY by "feel" then there's a risk that they're not that because what if they're an alcoholic? or physically abusive? or verbally abusive? or a drug addict. I shouldn't say they should just leave, but when it's in harm of your personal health why are you expected to stay with them just because you think they're your soul mate or something like that. To me I'm happy I wasn't perfect because the truth is you can't find someone that is and my ex had spent the better part of a month away from me, because we were so busy, and had spent that time with the new guy. Once she dumped me she went STRAIGHT TO HIM and started dating him and doing who knows what else, does that not sound like she was reaching out or something? Because how could she go from having it all to leaving a TRULY GREAT guy for some other loser, and I mean this guy is a loser. I mean he treated me like I wasn't there ever, whenever I was with my ex he would ignore me and I didn't do nothing! I really don't care about that, but how could she like a guy who could be such an ass and who actually asks her out while we were still together. Who knows, but I'm not waiting around for her to come around because I don't see that happening right now, but if there was anything she was scared of with me or if there was anything she thought would never change and that was her reason for leaving I'd at least like for her to be able to notice anything different, but I guess I can't do anything. I bet if you or anyone else were to compose a list of what makes a relationship work REALLY REALLY well and what would kind would have the best chance at love until they both passed away, I would honestly say my relationship with her was probably just that.

 

So this new guy, to me, is not important. Her decision to leave was not as serious as a blow back as I felt it was going to be simply from what I believe. Her relationship with him I DO not see lasting very long as he strikes me as being a selfish guy who will probably try to get with her or just use her. That's what I sense from him and my instinct is usually right, however foolish that sounds lol. And in the end it's not my place to get in her way because she'll only be mad and pissed off at me for doing that, so the best thing I have going for me is the thought that this new guy will either do something stupid, will not be able to do for her what I did, or that either him or one of her immature friends does something really really dumb and hurtful to her, that it would finally make her wake up and smell the roses because right now she hasn't thought one second about anything we shared. I know this because she's been acting like I don't exist, how could one do that to a guy they loved for two years and spent amazing times together where the love never disappeared, how can one go from that to just feeling nothing in like two weeks? And if she did feel nothing, then wouldn't that make it easier for her to talk to me because she's happy and better off without me? Wouldn't that mean that she would pretend like nothing happened between us because in her head she's gotten over me? Perhaps I'm right perhaps I'm wrong, that's not the point but one thing is for sure is that time is of the essense and I know what I believe in and my instinct hasn't been wrong yet, don't wanna jinx it lol.