sns256 Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 I have been on several first dates over the last 7-8 months and I have noticed a trend on my budding journey of dating. My date(s) ALWAYS bring up her ex in some capacity. Either by a story about why they broke up/ why they are single, or some trip she went on with him ect. Why do women do this? Do guys to this too? Is it common to talk a little bit about their ex on a first date? It always irks me a little bit for some reason. I want to know about her, not her ex right now. I guess he was apart of her life and possibly shaped who she is but arg. I don't have an ex so I try to change the topic very quickly when it goes that direction. I have nothing to talk about when it comes to an ex. Does that look weird that I don't say something about my (non-existent) ex? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Its never been a problem while on a date. I just find it personally weird/ uncomfortable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erase this face Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 That's strange to me as well. The past is the past let it stay there and enjoy your CURRENT date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterfly0424 Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 I have been one of those girls. I wasn't ready to meet or go on a date with anyone yet. That could be thier issue. I met this great guy. He made me laugh and open up. Then the ex sends me a text about our daughter (he had her for the day). My mood changed. My date sensed it and he called me out on it. I started crying. It was just a bad day. I never heard from him again. I learned my lesson. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 My boyfriend talked about his ex (a lot actually) on our first date. It should of irked me but didn't for some reason. Perhaps because it gave me insight to what a deep person he was. He talked about her yet didn't seem hung up on her and was very respectful and was never petty (even though she cheated on him). It just didn't bother me and it always had bothered me when other dates had done this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puddincup Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 Men do not like to hear about past exs. Period. Many guys I have dated have complained about women talking about their exs. You're normal not to want to hear about it but us women like to talk. I try to be cognizant of this now and not talk about it. I don't think the women notice if you don't immediately talk about your (nonexistent) exs. Lots of guys don't talk about it so don't worry about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sns256 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Share Posted February 3, 2010 Well at least I am normal. I'll deal with talking about my non-existent ex when the appropriate time comes, definitely not on the first date. So now that we have established that both men and women do this, the next question is why? Is it just simply because people like talking, or is it explaining something about themselves? Something else? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Dark Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 I believe it depends on how much they loved their ex and if they were the dumpee. It's obvious that when you are the dumpee, you are the one who did not want the relationship to end which is why they may think about certain people a lot which they wanted in their lives but those people decided they did not for better or for worse. I personally do not enjoy talking about the ex's at all although further on down the track when I am more comfortable I may bring up certain moments but thats it. Otherwise they will have to ask. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kumatora Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 Bringing up exes on a first date is always a mood killer. It shows that the person hasn't moved on from their previous relationship. I don't do it because I know that it's a major turn off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Dark Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 I can see how some people would do it because it's generally a same case scenario. What did they do with the ex? Date. What are they doing with the new man or woman in their lives? Dating. So what do you relate to the situation? Your ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puddincup Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 If they spent a long time with their ex, then all their stories might have the ex in them so they tell the story and the ex is part of it. However if they are talking about their ex directly, that's not such a good sign I think....on the first date. Later on, it's probably ok to talk about what happened, etc. but on the first date it certainly is a mood killer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jammed Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 I have been on dates with four different guys since October and each one has brought up their ex. I have made a consciencious effort not to talk about mine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeckyllNHyde Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 I think most people will talk about an ex, b.c when you date someone and are hurt or learn something from it, if your someone who ponders and tries to learn, you'll bring it up. What I've learnt from most exes is what I Don't want anymore, so I keep it in mind. It doesn't always mean the person is still hung up on their ex, unless they're saying stuff like "me and my ex always went there" or "my ex used to do that alot". I think one of the biggest reasons women do this is simply b/c they don't realise how they are being perceived and how innapropriate, a mood killer or unnecessary it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jettison Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 I can see how some people would do it because it's generally a same case scenario. What did they do with the ex? Date. What are they doing with the new man or woman in their lives? Dating. So what do you relate to the situation? Your ex. This is it exactly. I dated a woman in her 30s for almost 2 months, and she didn't give me a single story about an ex-boyfriend. Nothing. We were at a pizza parlor, and finally I was like, "sooooo, you know just about everything there is to know about my history. Why don't you tell me about your last ex." She was silent. Looked scared. Turned red. Ok, touchy subject. Then she finally said, "Well, what do you want to know?" and almost choked on her food. I said, "Well, anything. What was his name?" I got the feeling that this woman didn't have a lot of experience really, or at the very least, not a lot of good experiences. She was attractive and interesting enough, but she kept so much close to the vest in some ways that I felt like I was dealing with some kind of spy or secret agent. At that point I knew that I didn't want to date her anymore. I don't know if that seems shallow, but my past shapes me, and my past is very much comprised of previous partners, and I want something similar in my current partner. This is just one subject matter, but I don't want to think that most things are off the table for debate. I remember that my ex before her, right before we got together, told me all about strip poker with the ex before her and even sex on a pool table when she was much younger. I heard a loudly beating heart, and someone who took risks in life, and this is what was attractive to me. It wasn't like she was immoral or , but she was comfortable and excited about her history, and that turned me on in a big way. Anyway, that's my 3 cents on the subject. By contrast, if someone simply can't shut up about it, and they bring it up all the time, then forget it. It's also a turnoff. Like any subject, I just want some level of honesty and openness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jammed Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 One guy took me to dinner and told me that he and his ex used to eat there often and what they would order...talk about a mood killer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brazilgirl21 Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 I'm very open and I normally talk about exes on the first date. I just think it's part of who I am. They end up talking about their exes as well... It might irk them but I'm a blabbermouth, I'm open and carefree, I probably talk too much on the first date but somebody will someday love me the way I am. If we are talking about our lives, our past, I think it's very natural to mention exes, I even ask about their previous relationships as well. It'd probably be weird for me to go on a date and not talk about our romantic pasts at all. It's almost like going to a job interview and not talking about your previous work experiences. I think there are ways to aproach it. It's not like "oh, love this place, used to order this and this with my ex". It's more along the lines of "Last year I ended a LTR relationship and it has been fun to live new experiences". Or the honest: "Just got out of a relationship and I'm not sure I want anything serious right now". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yeawutever Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 One guy took me to dinner and told me that he and his ex used to eat there often and what they would order...talk about a mood killer. I can imagine how embarrassing that was for you........ But I think it depends on how special your ex played a role in your life. What if the reason for the break-up never involved cheating nor abuse? How about if the break-up was a peaceful one and you remained friends with the ex? Lucky for my ex, I had no story to tell him because there was none....LOL (was at 0 at the time). I think now, I would rather keep it quiet if I'm starting to date again. They have no business knowing it on the first date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brazilgirl21 Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 Anybody agree with this?? Not talking about exes on a first date is almost like going to a job interview and not talking about your previous work experiences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 Anybody agree with this?? Not talking about exes on a first date is almost like going to a job interview and not talking about your previous work experiences. I disagree because I don't think interviews and dates are that similar. I think the ex should come up naturally in the beginning but it doesn't have to be on the first or second date. It's great when guys can talk about their exes comfortably, without resentment, and while being unattached to that ex. I don't want to hear about "their favourite place to eat" but telling me why you broke up and what you learned from it is pretty good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brazilgirl21 Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 Exactly. That's my point. I don't go on dates with random people I meet on the internet, so normally, I already know the person at least in some capacity or through mutual friends. Therefore, my first dates already have a certain level of intimacy/familiarity in where I usually feel comfortable discussing exes. Of course not the petty "his favorite meal" details but more of the big picture really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TommyTucker Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 The current lady I'm dating regularly talks about her ex, at first I thought maybe she was still harbouring feelings for him, but now I realise it's just her way. On the bright side, 6 months down the road we're not going to have an awkward conversation about ex's Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puddincup Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 One guy took me to dinner and told me that he and his ex used to eat there often and what they would order...talk about a mood killer. Yuck! I would hate that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sns256 Posted February 4, 2010 Author Share Posted February 4, 2010 Anybody agree with this?? Not talking about exes on a first date is almost like going to a job interview and not talking about your previous work experiences. I definitely disagree. What happens when the interviewee doesn't have any work experience, or hasn't ever worked? The interviewee is not going to bring it up. For whatever reason, they will avoid it if they can. I am sure they would tell you why if asked blunt and directly. Otherwise they are not going to bring it up. Case and point for myself. I have never managed to get a girlfriend yet. So I can't say anything, or bring anything about past experiences up, because I have none. I am going to avoid telling anyone this because it is a sure fire way to get rejected. If asked blunt and directly about it I will tell someone. I am who I am. But I am not going to say anything if I don't need to. I have never had the luxury of being set up or going out with someone who knows me well before dating. So perhaps that plays a part. I guess that is why it irks me a lot when women bring up their ex's on the first/ second date. If she is expecting me to tell her something about my supposed ex, she is not going to find me telling her anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anggrace Posted February 4, 2010 Share Posted February 4, 2010 dude. I had the same thing happen to me when I was dating. Like three dates in a row brought up their ex. Two happened to have ex "super model" girlfriends and one guy was sooooo good to his ex and thought I should know... for some reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloraDora Posted February 4, 2010 Share Posted February 4, 2010 I think it depends on the circumstances. For exampe...on my last date we were talking about traveling and he asked who I had gone backpacking around Europe with.....I couldn't exactly lie so I said an ex. On the other hand....I dated a guy who, a year into our relationship, would NOT stop talking about his ex. On one of our very early dates he had too much to drink and told me all about her lifelong struggle with severe menstrual cramps. Ugh! I wish I had seen that red flag then!!!](*,) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Massari Posted February 4, 2010 Share Posted February 4, 2010 I am ok for talking about them once or twice.. but they have to have moved on. yes talking about them and saying that they had bad experiences would be actually ok since i would have a better idea of what type of person she is , how sensitive and what not. But if i feel like I am the rebound i wouldn 't like that. I recently was the victim of such situation so i learned my lesson. She talked about him alot on the first date and broke up with him 2 weeks before that night( our first date) we actualy slept together that night. ](*,) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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