Why can't I stop this?

[poetic_tragedy]

So I have been struggling with cutting for six years now. I've even been hospitalized for it. I've tried everything I can think of to quit. There are times when I am able to quit for a period of time, but it always comes back to me. The longest I have stopped was a year, but I ended up doing it again. It's like everything just gets built up and I can finally let it go once I cut. But I can't just cut once. Once I start, it seems that I can't stop. On the outside I seem like this really happy girl that doesn't let anything bother her (it took a long time to build this image). I just don't know what to do anymore. My family and friends tell me how proud they are of me and how I've come so far in my life. If they only knew that I still cut, I would be so ashamed. I've tried every coping skill out there to try and stop, but none of them work in the long run; even counseling. I feel like I'm gonna have this problem for the rest of my life and that scares the living * * * * out of me. I don't want this, but I just can't see myself ever stopping. I cut again tonight. I haven't done it in two weeks. I just want to hang my head when I think about what I did... but the release was amazing. And the blood, it just mesmerizes me every time; no matter how many times I cut. I guess the reason I got on here was just to be able to let it out and talk to others who understand. I hate this part of my life and I feel like I can't share it with anyone, not even my closest friends. If anyone has any suggestions as what I should do, please let me know. Also, any suggestions as how to quit cutting would be helpful too. Thanks.

[Nickk]

What kind of mood are you in when you do it? Depressed/angry/lonely?

[No One]

Do you always have a "ritual" preceeding (and, during) the cutting?

Candles, music, whatever, etc. ?

 

Would interrupting that stop you?

 

Really curious!

[poetic_tragedy]

Nickk -- I really don't have to be in any sort of mood. A lot of it is loneliness I guess. It's like all my emotions get built up over a certain period of time and I just have to get the release; even if my mood for the day was extremely happy.

 

No One -- Yes, actually, I do have a ritual. I turn on a specific song (usually Cut by Plumb) and lay out everything that I will be using. Also, it usually happens before I go to bed at night, and one of the things that I do to get ready for bed is to make sure my room is clean, organized, and my alarm is set. Once everything is in place, I just do it.

[No One]

Yeah - I have my preferred habits, too. I don't have to have things that certain way, but, getting distracted/interrupted/events put-off do tend to correlate with times when I know that I will cut, but, don't.

[breatheme5892]

Do you always have a "ritual" preceeding (and, during) the cutting?

Candles, music, whatever, etc. ?

 

Would interrupting that stop you?

 

Really curious!

 

No One, why did you ask this? I'm wondering because I go through rituals when I cut too. I listen to songs that best describe how I'm feeling at that moment (usually "Hurt" by Johnny Cash).

[SilverManic]

I cut for about 4 years. I've stopped for nearly 8 now. All honesty with any addiction the first thing is realising you have a problem, the second is wanting to do something about it, the 3rd is doing something about it. I've quit smoking, I've quit cutting and one day I'm going to have to tell my beautiful little baby girl why mummy has scars on her arms.

There is so much more to life, now I am at the stage when even though I have lost one of the most important people in my life. My wonderful nan who took me in and brought me up and treated me as her own child.

No amount of counciling, help or advice from others ever helped me to quit cutting. It's something you have to work out for yourself.

In all honesty I used hairbands with metal parts on them. If I felt like I needed to cut I pulled it out and pinged it. Sometimes when I got really bad I'd get a biro and draw where I would cut on my arm. Some people have also surgested trying to crush an icecube which really helped too. But the thing that helped me the most is getting rid of my cutting tools and changing the routeen that would make me want to cut.

I hope that can help you in some way.

[No One]

Well, the cutting isn't due to the rituals, but, the rituals are there to support the SI (by becoming part of the coping process??) - so, their interruption or distraction may, at times, result in activity other than SI; such was the original question.