Realistic Ways of Thinking of How to Get Back Together - SuperDave71

[referralreward]

Very good wisdom!

 

there is NO LOGIC in LOVE. NONE! As a simple example, have you ever seen your ex’s new companion? What was one of the first things out of your mouth? “Are you kidding me….THAT is who they left me for!?” is usually high up on the reaction meter.

 

 

The art of comparison can be one of your worst enemies. You must understand that though looks are important to some, others are more emotional. If you are an attractive person and can’t seem to understand why your ex left, maybe it was because their emotional needs were met before but slacked in time or they were never met in the first place. It is not rocket science really. No matter what happened, they left you for some reason whether you understand what it is on the front in or not. It also means you may not agree with it once you find the answer but you must accept it.

 

 

There are so many that want to argue why someone left and for the very reason why? Ask yourself this, what positive affect does arguing bring to the relationship? What positive reaction do you expect to get from a negative action? This may seem like common sense, yet in the heat of a “if you will just listen, I will explain” discussion…it typically flies right out the window.

 

 

 

Another misconception is that your ex may run into the arms of another yet you have the idea that they are “just confused” and this is just a phase. To put it another way, they were so confused that they ran into the arms of another because their arms are better than yours? NO!

 

They ASSUMED that someone different will bring newer and better circumstances.

 

 

In our minds, newer is better. A new TV is bigger and looks better yet only lasts for a few months compared to an older set that has lasted for YEARS. The difference is QUALITY….not the way it appears.

[HopefulDrew]

I still want him back.. but I'm going to wait till I'm stable before ever talking to him again.

 

Patience is your friend. If you really want a good relationship you will take the time to work on you before entertaining the thought of getting back together.

[SuperDave71]

inDenial,

 

 

Thank you for your kind words

 

 

-SuperDave71

[TSandullo]

Gonna bump this too.

 

TS

[Snowy]

Bump for whoever needs this.

[Wildcars]

This is a brilliant read! BUMP

[NCforME]

I don't know if this forum does "Sticky's" but this post certainly would be a good candidate.

[SuperDave71]

Thank you all.

 

 

I glad my threads have a positive impact on so many. I really appreciate it.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Inquirer89]

I love this advice, and I think I will add it to my arsenal of what I should do. But, I think I am learning a thing or two after many failed relationships I've had. My recent ex is now wanting to hangout with me again, and admitted to not wanting to be just friends. I am not texting him all the time like I used to before we broke up, in fact I maybe send him 4 texts at the most if I do otherwise it's just one or two. I also don't bug him that much, I don't go and sit in his lap and cuddle with him in the recliner like I used to. I'm keeping my guard up, and I definitely do not do the asking of hanging out. I let him do the majority of asking me to come over to his place to watch tv, play video games and hangout and talk. I've only offered about twice, and I'm keeping how much I bring up hanging out to a minimum. We've been hanging out for the past cpl weeks, so we'll see where things go. Your post, Dave, inspires me to stay strong, to keep my guard up and not let it all fall away until I know for sure what direction things will head. And to curb back on what I believe I did wrong to make the relationship turn south, being too text happy, and maybe too affectionate -- too much kissing, cuddling, hand holding.

 

Thank you for the great advice, looking forward to more posts.

[mbb1]

I think this post deserves another round on the forum, some good solid advice...

[Sportster2005]

"I am honest to the point of being brutal."

 

You've turned a virtue into a vice. Honesty without discretion is cruelty.

 

It was an excellent post and I appreciate it.However, I always wonder why people feel the need to hurt others under the guise of being honest. Or so it would appear to this observer.

[XkatieX]

In the orginal post it mentioned "People generally DO NOT call someone they love if they feel they have HURT THEM IN ANY WAY."

I'm guessing this means they are not going to call until you are over it and happy again.. or they are just never going to call?

 

I also agree with you Sportster2005 some on here seem to be very negative about anyone trying to get back with an ex. They have a very 'it's done get over it attitude'. I however think it's nice to have a bit of hope that things can be fixed, after you have ofcourse fixed yourself.

[skheehee]

I think all we need, is a lot of time, and patience. If you love someone and that love is true, then it will all come back to you.

[Reminiscence]

Here's my situation.

I was seeing this guy for about 3 months. Other than asking me to lunch within the first week we met we never went on any dates because we were both busy with school. We would text each other everyday and once a week I would spend the night with him BUT WE DIDN'T HAVE SEX. We kissed and made out but no sex. He never considered us in a relationship and when I asked him why we were seeing each other he said it was to get to know me and see if he wanted to get into a relationship or not.

 

2 weeks ago, he decides he just wants to be friends. He told me that there are things that cause him to think we wouldn't work so he didn't want to pursue a relationship. That we are too different.

 

The thing that really bugs me is how in the world do you get to know someone just through texting and spending one night every 2 or 3 weeks with them? And get this the week before he just wanted to be friends, he asked me to text him more and said that maybe we could plan something later in the week

 

I don't know what to do. I'm conflicted. Can't decide what to do. I haven't spoken to him in 9 or 10 days but he texts me every two days. I know he's just doing it to be friendly but it annoys me. I'm so conflicted that I can't even pick up the phone and tell him anything without thinking about our time together and then getting upset. I miss him but I'm angry enough at him to give him the cold shoulder. I want to talk to him and ask if we could work things out but again my evil side doesn't want to.

 

I could really use some other thoughts and opinions. I'm tired of being stuck in this conflicted state. Should I talk to him about giving it another chance?

[brickheart]

And to curb back on what I believe I did wrong to make the relationship turn south, being too text happy, and maybe too affectionate -- too much kissing, cuddling, hand holding.

 

Frankly, if that's what you want out of a relationship - lots of physical affection and contact via text or other means, you should find someone who can give it to you. You shouldn't necessarily try to make a relationship work by forcing yourself to be less affectionate or text-y than you naturally want to be! Just something to think about.

[SuperDave71]

Thank you all.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[El3216]

Bump! This is a good read

[Alexx]

Hi there everyone. I know this thread is quite old, but I wanted to give it a shot since I really felt a connection to every post on here.

Hopefully I can get an answer *fingers crossed* Sorry this message will be a little long.

 

My ex girlfriend left me for around 1 and a half month ago. I am really struggling because I truly feel this girl is the love of my life. I don’t want to let go…

I have been no contact for a around one month, (she called once after a couple weeks and I did not pick up)

I have been in a very bad condition. Lost many pounds,anxiety/panick attacks, couldn't eat etc..

She on the other hand acting so indifferent and so happy.

Posting happy things all around and partying.

My problem is that I don't know if I shall let her really go or if I should have my hopes up.

This girl has been my best friend and rock through 7 years, tough we have not been in a romantic relationship all of those years we have always had this deep connection and soulmate bond. Through the years it has happen a lot of things and we have hurt each other, but always fought and found our way back togheter.

The last 2-3 years have been the most stable and we have had our problems like any other relationship ofc, but a good relationship I would say. We have always argued a lot.

We have lived togheter in an apartment in the city also with my other best friend. This summer we got a puppy togheter and I feel a little like that is something that may have provocted this situation.

 

She has always been this really good girl with good values and a heart of gold. Never gave up on me through the years although I struggled to give enough to her and the relationship.I took my a long time to give my whole self (The last two years I have gived everything I could) I am a highly sensitive person, and find it hard to trust people. But she has always been a person who has showed things with actions not just words like many do. She has always been so sure she loves only me and want to be with me. She is 23 years now I am 25.

 

She said to me when we broke up "you have been in my head since I was 16 years old and I have been kind of in a relationship with you in my head even though we haven’t been) Like she doenst know what her life would be like if I she hadn’t been with me/been in love with me.

 

She has said so many ambivalent things, like she loves me and want to be with me, but want to be alone and have no responsibility and be free to find herself and her own way. That her gut tells her these things..

She did not give me a proper conversation about these things, she started acting distant and I noticed and she slowly cowardly slipped away from me.. Goiong from don’t wanting to give up and said «I will not be gone in one day» but she kind of did..

She spent a weekend on a festival partying in the mists of this, and she didn't care about me and the puppy..Just left all responsebility.

One of these days she had this conversation with my mum about my dependence and that she felt like she was my extra-mum for me and that I needed to be more independent etc. I have been sick a lot, because Im struggling with some psychical stress that often gives me pain in my stomach and such things..

 

Anyways right before the breakup occurred I tried telling her I wouldn't give up on this and that I`m willing to do all I can and for the better things I know I can change about myself. Because over the weekend she was partying and acted distant I had a lot of thoughts and thinker about myself and what I may have done wrong in the relationship the past months

 

She has changed so much, acting out of character. I don't know if the job business she is in now my have affected her in some ways (fashion business) But recently she started be so self centered and egoistic. After it was over between us it is like she is desperate doing everything she can do that she couldn't do when we were togheter. I didn't even know she had this needs to be this person she is now. Like I said, she has always been full of moral, good values and at least fair.. it seems like she really has changed for the worse. I never thought she would leave me like this, and it this way.

 

She just threw me away like garbage. Cowardly, and I`m not sure if she really knows what she is doing. Other people around me also reacts on her behavior. Almost like she is 16 years and not showing me any respect, I have let her be and she is totally free to do what she want now. One of the last calls I had with her (Because she kind of broke up over the phone and text..almost like she tried pushing things on me so she didn’t need to give me a real conversation eye to eye)

Its like she couldn’t wait to be free, and couldn't even just give me some time so I could get on my feet again and be a little stronger before the next «bomb» on social media or something came out. She knows me so well, and never thought she could ever treat me this way.

seems like she really need all the attention from others around she could get, from people from her past and so on… freaks me out.

 

She knows I am a sensitive person and when I am sad I often become very ill, can't eat, throws up and such things..This is not like her, and even so couldn't she just wait a little bit longer..It hurts me so much. I love her so much, and I really thought she loved me.Through the breakup I was at my home city at my mums place. She and my mum have had great contact, and my mum has also really reacted on her behavior..

My mum heard our conversations and also I had her on speaker on the mobile phone through these days of the breakup.,so my mum could hear how she acted and what she said. I was so devastated didn't know what to do with myself. She has always chased me and never given up, talking about she wanted to marry me. Also a couple days before this started she asked me «do you think we`ll marry each other one day» things like that..

 

She said she love me and misses me, but that she believes we should not be togheter at this point, that we are a closed chapter, that she feel like she’s meant for something else. That her boss at work had said «a free bird is hard to catch» and that she felt somewhat like that… (very weird) I asked her, after everything we been through, you never gave up on me..do you want me to give up now and she said «yes» in this strange way.. I don’t know if I am fooling myself, but she has said so many ambivalent things like if we ever are to be togheter or something later on we have to be finish with each other in a real way - we have never been truly finish with each other (I am like whaaaat) Also said she has felt suffocated.. therefore (before the breakup occurred, I tried to tell her I really wanted to give everything to fix this so on) cause I didn’t know that she would actually leave, because she was so back and forth)

Everything that has been said haven’t been said in one conversation, its been said over several and I have been trying to pull out things from her because she has just acted distant and I couldn’t handle it…

 

After she had moved out her things from our apartment (I wasn’t there) She sent me a long text..telling me she is sorry for hurting me, and that she hopes I would understand her one day, that she is forever grateful for our time togheter and I was one the best people she had known.

The day after this she removed in a relationship on Facebook (without telling me) and I also got a new text where she asked me if she could pick up her VODKA she had forgotten at my mums house?!

I mean..I do not understand what her problem is

 

(also a thing to know, I am also a girl)

 

Should I just keep the no contact? She had told my little brother why she called me these weeks ago, because she was sad, but she also said it was fine I didn’t pick up because maybe I would have gotten my hopes up.,( felt like she said it in an arrogant way) Strange to tell my brother these thing. They have been working togheter on a fashion event, so she has been talking telling him things (even though he has not given her any reaction what so ever, he don’t like the way she has treated me)

she would know that these things will come to me in some form) Also said things about my personal life, me being sensitive and that kind of things. I feel so helpless, and she belittle everything like its the smallest thing in the world that has happen with us.

I have tried to point out the most important things, tough there are many more things.

 

Sorry for the looong message, I just feel so bad.. Really could need some advice

*Best wishes *

[SuperDave71]

Thank you all

 

 

-SuperDave71

[raindrop96]

Hello Superdave,

 

I've been reading your posts for a few days now, because they seem to have the right dose of optimism and realism mixed and I definitely need it right now.

 

I know it's a long shot that you'll read this, but just in case you do, I'm not sure how to gauge my situation and I need some guidance if you can offer it.

 

Basically my ex and I broke up because we were about to start long distance, which would have lasted longer than our relationship, and he thought we would hurt each other more than anything else. He suggested we be on a hiatus and when I come back we could try again if we were both single and still wanted it. For him it was definitely a possibility, because we don't have other issues. I am leaving for America for 4 months and then Spain for 9 months, but I'll be back in the UK to visit friends in November 2017.

 

I know there are things to be worked upon on my part and on his to make us even more compatible and able to handle the distance if it comes up again in the future, but we never agreed what the terms of the hiatus are or what we're doing exactly, and we are already NC, so I can't contact him. He mentioned if I wasn't going to America, maybe we'd stay together, but he didn't want to make me do that, so I was wondering if after I came back from there, I could test the waters and see if there is anything for us left, still long distance, but with the possibility of seeing each other every month. It seems to me for such a short relationship (6 months) if I wait a year and a half, there will be nothing left, I don't know.

 

I know there is work to be done, he does too, but we were really good together and we broke up due to the circumstances not being right. What are your thoughts on this? Being an amiable BU, do you think even after just 6 months together love can be rekindled after almost that much time apart? There's no cookie - cutter answer, but still, any thoughts are welcome.

 

And thank you for your help on this forum, it's great that you share what you do!

[mjae]

BUMP! Best darn post I've read that isn't manipulative, saturated with sympathy, provocative, providing false hope, nor unreasonable. It's truly words of authenticity. Thank you for this!

[SuperDave71]

Thank you very much Mjae

[Carus]

Ho-ly Sponge pants!!! SuperDave! He lives...!!!

 

:)

[Limiya]

I love this post.

[TheG]

My ex walked away because she said she didnt think there was chemistry between us. I didnt talk to her for a month. In between she posted a new guy. Later on she posted a selfie with the flowers I had once given her. I kept quiet.

 

A month later I felt I had reached an emtionally neutral state (whatever my ex responds, I will be fine). So i asked to meet and she obliged. That day we talked like we used to and from nowehere she mentioned that it was nice to see me. She had clearly missed me. We are talking again and I really like her