getting rid of guilt feeling

[heartbroken23]

Hello Guys.

Hears the deal. I was with my girlfriend for 4-5 years and we broke up last summer for a few months....got back together for a few months, then broke up again in January. However since January, we have still been seeing each other and doing couple stuff. We are basically like BF/GF but without the label. We both decided that we should try to be just friends instead of BF?GF inj the hopes that we would get along better and see if that could enable us to getting back together. Recently we have been arguing and not really getting along. Well, I was out the other nite and I ended up having a one nite stand with some random girl. After this I immediatley felt horrible and gulity. I felt like I betrayed my ex- even though we are not together. Should i feel as guilty as I do, even though we are technically not boyfriend/girlfriend. This event made me trully realize that I still have loving feelings formy ex and that if I didnt feel guilty, then I probably did not have feelings anymore. We genuily both want to work at getting back together and trying to make it work. We both love each other still (as much as that may seem weird with what I did). I really need to know if I should feel guilty or not, any advice would be great..Thank You!!

[bamboo]

I don't think anyone can tell you if you should feel guilty or not. The fact is that you do, and like you've already said, it's because of your feelings for her and you can't help that. One of my friends was in the same situation as you in that she was coupley with an ex, but they weren't actually bf & gf yet, and she had a one night stand with another ex. However the one night stand made her realise just how much the guy she slept with was not for her, and how much the other guy was, and how much she cared for him. She felt incrediby guilty and she says even now months afterwards she still feels guilty everyday. I guess living with the guilt is the price to pay, but you can see that some good came out of it in that it helped you to define your feelings for your ex. Now you know how you really feel, you can really work at rebuilding your relationship. Carry on to take things slowly and good luck!

[heartbroken23]

Thank you for your input. It helps. I now know that I trully care about my ex more than anything. I hope the guilt eventualy fades, but as u said, it is a price i have to pay.Thanks again!

[NightLily]

You said that you and your ex haven't really been getting along lately. I assume this is because of arguing. Well, me and my ex also had this problem sometimes as well. We sort of came up with a way to control it that might help you. If we ever started to argue and one of us felt it was becoming an argument or didn't want to continue the argument we would simply say "BROWNCOW" and then we both had to completely stop talking or change the subject. This worked pretty well for a while because one, it is cute seeing them.. err.. yeah and the phrase is funny and random enough that you can't really help but not stay mad.

 

Usually when couples argue neither of them really want to argue and sometimes they don't even know why they are arguing. So you could also just stop and say "Hey, I really don't want to argue with you, I love you and this just isn't worth risking that to me" or something around those lines. As long as you say it in a soothing, loving voice all will probably be well.

 

As for what you should do about the one night stand situation. .. I would tell her sometime if I were you. Tell her that it was a mistake, that you regret it, and that it made you realize how much you love her. Just be honest and delicate with her feelings and then give her some space. If you really do want this to go somewhere, she has a right to know who you have slept with (definitely if you two would be having sex), and so she would probably find out eventually. At least she should find out eventually. Better now then later.

 

Hope that can help you out some!

 

-SuzyQ

[Ingrid]

You feel guilty then you are a good normal balanced person. You are paying the price for cheating. You won't do it again.

 

Ideally you should be able to tell her, but she may not be mature enough to understand. Som women are raised among lies and confusion about sex. Some women have no idea about men's sexuality, about sexuality.dot, about their own sexuality.

 

She may go beserk, break up the relationship forever and acquire major emotional problems. You are the one who knows her and who must decide whether to tell her or not.

 

Of course, you should contribute to the development and the evolution of her sexuality, so that some day you may share everything with her. Just make sure she is solid enough to tell her.

 

Good luck!

[Derek]

Here is what I have heard:

 

People feel were more betrayed by the lack of honesty than the "affair" itself.

 

Decide accordingly.

 

Is she worth being completely honest with so that you can commit to building new trust and a new relationship, or are the two of you going to keep dancing around each other?

 

 

[kate111]

I have been in a similar situation myself.

 

I know now that I would never cheat again.

 

You are in a bit of a grey zone so I don't think that you should feel too guilty. Just make sure you never do it again. I think from the guilt you are feeling that you are not a cheat by nature anyway. So don't be too hard on yourself.

 

One problem you could have after this is that you will feel so guilty that you give in to all your girlfriend's demands. Don't let this happen either.

 

There are pros and cons to telling her or not telling her.

 

Maybe the one night stand was partly a symptom of a general problem you had with the relationship. Namely that you need to have a defined relationship with a structure and obligations to each other. Maybe you need to sit down ans talk to her about this and tell her about the one night stand at the same time.