Odds he'll come back?

[Singer]

Sorry in advance for this being a bit long............

 

My ex & I dated for 4 months after wanting each other for 2+ years. He had been in a rocky relationship during that time, had left her for several months at one point (winter 2002-2003) because they were arguing so much he "just couldn't take it anymore." Then he left her again at Thanksgiving 2003, to be with me. We were very happy for several months, and he always told me so. He told me he was in love with me, that he was so glad our paths had crossed, and that he knew it would work out. He introduced me to his family on Christmas and we all got along great.

 

On March 10 I lost my job. He felt it was partly his fault, because we had been seeing each other at VERY late hours due to the fact he works 2 jobs -- nights & mornings -- and I worked days. In reality I was having problems at work long before he came along, so it had nothing to do with him (which I tried to tell him).

 

I became very depressed about losing my (well-paying!!!) job, and I was also very moody because of just starting the Pill. So I was a bit hard to live with. After a couple weeks of this, I noticed him starting to get a little distant. I asked him what was wrong, and he always said nothing, he was just tired, and everything would be OK. Then on April 4, he said he thought we needed a break. He said he didn't want to just call it quits, he still wanted to talk & stuff. I did not contact him for almost a week and heard nothing from him. I wanted to give him some time to think. On Apr. 10 I went to see him. At that time he said we shouldn't see each other anymore. He said he did not know what was wrong, but that he just didn't have the same passionate feelings that he did previously. I was heartbroken. I cried, and all that stuff you're not supposed to do.

 

When I asked him why, he said he just didn't know, but he did say two things: 1) I had been depressed and distant and he thought maybe it was wearing on him, and 2) Maybe we had gone too fast, because he felt we were too comfortable with each other too soon.

I asked him if he wanted to go back to his ex, and he said no way. I asked if he wanted to date other people, and he said no.

 

The first few weeks, every 5-6 days he would send me a text message. Something short to make me laugh or see how I was. Then I started texting him, and he seemed not as willing to respond. On May 8 I was out with friends at a club and saw him, but he didn't see me. He showed up with his ex, his little sister, and a couple other guys. I thought OK, he's just hanging out. They all went somewhere else about 30 min. later.

 

Afterwards I talked to his best friend, who told me he is indeed seeing his ex again. Yes, this is the same ex he already left twice because he couldn't stand her. His friend told me he was just as lost as I am -- he said he and another friend had both tried to talk him out of it. He is definitely a guy who doesn't like to be alone.

 

In the two weeks since I saw him out, we had a brief phone conversation and a couple text msgs, all initiated by me. I asked him if he would prefer I not contact him at all, and he asked me what I wanted. I didn't really answer, and he said he didn't know what was best. I just left it at that, because I know what I want, but I didn't want him to feel pressured.

 

My sister has known him for a few years, and she thinks he'll come back. She said his relationship with this girl has been so rocky, she can't see it lasting more than a few months before he wants to leave her again. Also, he has a tendency to freak out initially, but then go back to someone (ME??) for one more try. But this is his third time with this girl, so I just think all the what-ifs... I don't know what to do or think. He is everything I've ever wanted to find in one guy, and at age 29 it's not like this was just puppy love. I know for sure I really want him back, I want him to be it. Since he felt so strongly about me once, do I have a good chance of him coming back???

[leahjschmidt]

Odds are he will come back - eventually - and who's to say how long that will take. I've been where you are before with a guy I lived with for three years. He would kick me out or I would move out for awhile and he would see other people but we always ended back together. I wanted to be with him every time it happened but at the same time it's a terrible feeling to be with someone knowing that any day they could leave you for someone else. Especially when they've done it before, you expect it to happen again and again. I don't know about you but I could never fully trust him again and I doubted the things he said, etc. It put a strain on our relationship and he eventually moved 3 hours away. He still calls and says he loves me, he wants to be with me, blah, blah, blah, and I do still care about and love him (I think in a different way than I used to) and as much as I hated him moving away it was the biggest relief knowing I didn't have to worry about the whole situation anymore. At first it was hard but time helped that go away. Just remember, if you don't put your foot down the first time he treats you wrong or uses you, he'll think he can do it over and over.

[Singer]

Thanks for the advice. Like I said, he does have a track record of going back to girls for one more try. I've only been with him for one stint so far so I guess I've got at least one more coming to me .

 

Some people question me as to why I would WANT another shot with him, and how do I know he wouldn't just keep bouncing back and forth. All I can tell them is, I made mistakes too. For example, we BOTH rushed things along a little too quickly. Within 3 weeks of dating he was staying over at least 4 nights a week, usually more. I would not let him do that again right away. I would go slower and enjoy the 'dating' phase longer. This time we were pretty much living together after only a couple months, or less -- so it seems obvious to me why the passion fizzled out.

 

thereforeeee, my answer to the people who question me is, I just want a 2nd chance to do things the right way. We had no big issues or arguments, never had a fight. With him I felt so secure and safe, not like any other relationship I've been in.

 

For all these reasons, I feel so strongly that I shouldn't give up. He's always had major problems with his now- 'ex-ex', but he made ME happy.... So why should I just step aside and be like, 'Oh OK, you can have him.' You know? I mean, why shouldn't I hang in there? Thoughts on this by any and all would be much appreciated!!

[sweetione]

Only you know what your heart is telling you, wrong or right, it is yours!

 

From what you described, he sounds extrememly confused. I would give him space, let him figure out that his ex makes him miserable. Don't contact him. Let him call you. And when he calls be happy to hear from him but end it after a few minutes telling him you were running out the door to meet so and so but it was great hearing from him. Also if possible try to show up somewhere that he is with another guy. I bet that will work wonders!

 

That is just my advice. Good luck and hugs!

[Singer]

Thanks sweetieone! You bring up some good points. My sister, who knows him fairly well, says the same thing about his ex: that it will be only a matter of time before he realizes, yet AGAIN, what a crazy b**** she is.

 

Also, a few of my friends have mentioned the competition aspect as you did -- letting him see me happy, and with another guy. That wouldn't be too tough to arrange since he has a side job at a club, but it might be a bit obvious there. He does have a couple other hangouts I could try to show up at, but that would be much harder to arrange because his work hours (for his day job) are irregular -- so I never know when he's going to be out.

 

And here's a real funny thing, tell me what you make of this just for the heck of it: A week or two after we broke up, we were on the phone and having a conversation about a couple we know that have been bickering a lot lately. Apparently the husband is starting to take the wife for granted. So my ex says to me, 'What she needs to do is make him a little jealous -- nothing to get him too upset, just to put the fear of God into him.' A hint?? Or just coincidence?? Now, this was before he started seeing his ex again, so maybe that window has closed even if he was hinting to me. Just an interesting tidbit I thought I'd mention.

 

Thanks so much for the advice!!