Lady Rashomon Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 So here's a summary of my situation: A few months ago, I was certain that I wanted to end my marriage. I felt like I'd emotionally checked out for a long time, and the culmination of some serious issues that we hadn't really addressed in a skillful manner, on top of my affair (which turned both mine and my husband's lives upside down, needless to say) made it seem like a reconciliation was impossible. After some very difficult and persistent communication, both my husband and I decided that we'd try to work through everything together. I'm well aware that I wronged him IMMENSELY by going outside of our marriage for a short-lived fling and I feel a great deal of remorse over that. I've been doing a lot of reading on why people end up having extramarital affairs and am willing to concede that my behavior has been selfish, narcissistic, not based in reality, and deeply destructive. I'm currently in individual therapy and we're also doing couples counseling. I've read a lot of accounts here about how in a LTR or marriage, feelings wane over the years and you have to work at a relationship. I'm really at a loss as to how you resuscitate deep feelings of love, however. And I guess my ambivalence doesn't help. A lot of my uncertainty comes from having examined the trajectory of our relationship. My husband and I never had a romantic honeymoon phase in our relationship. Things were challenging from the get-go, and while we have a lot in common and have a lot of love for each other, there was never the kind of passion or sexual chemistry a lot of people have at the outset. (This is going to sound strange, but I almost felt like our relationship was more MATURE than other people's, precisely because of the fact that it felt like we had to work through all these challenges in the beginning, which I think is a big reason it kept me going, oddly enough.) Also, the nagging feeling of "something doesn't feel right here" has persisted over the eight years of our relationship. Case in point: he moved cross-country after we'd been together for three years, and we were in a LDR for that time. In that entire period, I didn't miss him at all, even though we were talking on the phone almost every day. I felt happy in my career, with my social life, etc., and had even considered breaking up with him at this point. Eventually, we ended up back in the same place, and our relationship became stronger/closer. Honestly, it felt like we were an old married couple. We got married two years ago, and since then, while we've maintained a great friendship and overall strong emotional/intellectual connection, that sense of "something is missing" became even stronger. I actually never identified that feeling with the idea that there might be someone better out there for me--more so, I wondered if it just meant that I shouldn't be married or in a relationship with my husband. So on the one hand, there's that feeling. And on the other, there's a worry that I might just have serious issues with intimacy or unrealistic expectations about what a good relationship should look like. I feel like I've been out of love with my husband for the majority of our relationship, but I also want to give our marriage a shot because he is such an amazing person (and honestly, I can't imagine anybody else offering me more love than he does) and I'm so moved by the fact that he'd still want to stay by my side after my affair. I know that I would never shatter this man again by cheating on him, but I am worried that my desire to make things work between us will be undermined by this sense (that I can't quite pinpoint) that my heart has never fully been in my marriage. Has anybody else been in this position before? How do you give your marriage a fair shot when you feel like you're "out of love" or, perhaps, may not have even been in love in the first place? Are there tangible things that I can do to get us to that place? Again, my husband is a fantastic person and, really, I would like nothing more now than to make him happy after all the havoc I've wreaked in our lives. Any advice would be terrific. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flywest29 Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 You need to leave this marriage. Your husband deserves to be loved by someone fully and completely. I know this is probably not what you want to hear but its been 8 years and you have never really felt it, and had an affair, you don't love him and looks like you never did. By staying with him you are only dragging out the marriage and making things worse. Yes it will hurt. But it will be better for both of you in the long run. Just curios why did you marry him if you weren't feeling it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sanesoul Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 You need to thrown away all preconceived notions. Start your relationship over fresh. If you feel that you can't get those feelings with him, then you need to let him go. He may be an amazing guy, but he may not be the right one for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechResQ Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 I'm sorry but it sounds as though you may be staying in your marriage because you feel so guilty for having hurt him the way you did. I have to agree, if your heart is not fully in the marriage, it isn't really very fair for you to keep your husband from possibly finding someone who will love him with all of their very being and their heart and soul. It sounds to me like you two would be better off being best friends and not husband and wife. Good luck to you and God Bless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Rashomon Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 You need to leave this marriage. Your husband deserves to be loved by someone fully and completely. I know this is probably not what you want to hear but its been 8 years and you have never really felt it, and had an affair, you don't love him and looks like you never did. By staying with him you are only dragging out the marriage and making things worse. Yes it will hurt. But it will be better for both of you in the long run. Just curios why did you marry him if you weren't feeling it? To be perfectly honest, I think that from the very beginning of our relationship, I'd written off the idea of a romantic/passionate relationship as being a fairy tale more than anything else. We definitely had our complaints about each other, but at the same time, there was a certain comfort and predictability to our relationship that I believed would be a source of stability. Throughout my twenties, I'd seen other people's relationships dissolve over time and attributed that to the fact that they hadn't been based on a solid friendship to begin with. Over the past few years, I guess I stuck with him for a number of reasons: an unconscious sense of obligation, a desire for comfort and constancy, the fact that he really was my best friend. In the past, I'd had a lot of dating fails, so I guess that in my head, I equated my uncertainty with your normal, run-of-the-mill doubts that can be overcome with time and maturity. I also thought that maybe I just had to sort through my own issues with intimacy (had an example of a VERY bad marriage growing up) and that the issue of not feeling like I was "in love" had more to do with me than him. BTW, I've been very open with my husband about my feelings, and he seems to think that we can turn things around... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flywest29 Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 Thats good that you are open with him about your feelings. But just because he thinks things can turn around doesn't mean that they will. It takes two people to make a marriage work. If you are not feeling it and he is thats not good. It is a terrible feeling loving someone so much and not having them love you the same way back. Your husband is probably hurt, and is willing to do anything to work it out even though its in his best interests to walk away. He has invested all this time into a marriage that is failing and thinks it can work but in reality it can't if you do not love him. I am sorry for the difficulties you are facing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FarthestEdge Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 Pessimists.... I think if you WANT to turn it around, you have certainly started down the right path. I also don't think ANY of us can tell you whether it's time to give up or not. That's a decision only you or he can make- if the good outweighs the bad. It sounds to me like you WANT to be "in love" with him, to have passion for him....If so, I think your chances continue to increase. As a thought- a bonding adventure might help...Have you taken a trip somewhere special-just the two of you..It can really breathe new life into a relationship to have such an 'adventure'. Are there any hobbies you could explore together? Take a wine appreciation class, go snowboarding, bungee jumping or rock climbing. Are there any shared dreams or goals? What can you do together to start working towards those today? Focus on what is RIGHT in the relationship. As for this "IN love" nonsense, here's my take on it... "IN love" is often associated with the infatuation phase at the beginning of a relationship.. "I'd just DIE without him" anxiety exists, because you are still worshipping them, seeing only the good and dismissing, ignoring or reframing the bad ("i.e. something that irritates you becomes a little 'quirk"). It's the uncertaintly that he'll be there tomorrow that feeds this anxiety, making being with him mor intoxicating- it feeds the beast...As your relationship grows & you see your partner as a whole ("warts and all"), and you become increasingly secure in the relationship, that anxiety fades, and often some of the passion, and some interpret this as no longer being 'in love', when really, it has nothing to do with love at all, but a romanticised notion built upon self-inflicted drama. But you can rebuilt and maintain passion in your marriage if you want to. It's really a question of how you frame it. I'll write more later, but I couldn't leave this with everyone telling you there's no hope. I don't believe we can say that with the little you have given us here, and what's more, I believe if you want to get through it & you DO find a way, you have the opportunity to build something deeper than you likely could find with someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 If you have a great connection and there is honesty and trust, I would work on it. Perhaps you are mistaking love with those giddy feelings you get when you first start seeing eachother - infatuation. I would try to work on things by planning rendezvous with eachother. For example - my boyfriend's house is pretty remote, but there is ONE house that backs up to his and nobody else for acres around. When he knew that the neighbors were going on vacation (he picks up their mail), we had some really hot sex in the backyard. No one could have possibly seen us, but it was a thrill. Or if you are not into that, the midday quickie works! Also, taking time to "date" eachother - going out to dinner and a movie or what else you would have done when you first started going out is important. Dress up. Well, at least put on some makeup, etc,for the occasion. I am not saying you don't but act like you are out on a date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Rashomon Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 Fantastic suggestions. Yes, we've talked a lot about simply doing new things with each other, both in counseling and outside of it. Unfortunately, because we're strapped for money right now, we can't really afford to take any trips, but we're trying to spend quality time together doing simple things that we normally don't: visiting new neighborhoods, going to museums, seeing performances together, playing board games, reading together, etc. I think getting back to shared goals and interests is also important; for the past two years, we've talked about doing things that allow us to be more creative and potentially planning a big move. I know it may not be the wisest thing to do to move to a new place where we only know each other, but we'd contemplated it for a while. You mentioned focusing on the good things. For one, he is an extremely stable, caring, and reliable person. He's always been there for me, and I'm trying to turn things around by cultivating the same kind of unselfishness that I see in him. Thanks again for the kind words of advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Rashomon Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 Yes, sex is a department that we definitely have to work on. This is an area where it gets kind of complicated, quite frankly. For the record, my husband is extremely attracted to me (always has been--that's why he pursued me to begin with) but I guess the attraction was never really there for me to begin with. Lately, I think our sex life has perked up a bit, so that's an improvement. I've also considered going to a sex therapist to talk about issues of sexual compatibility. For the most part, we've always had at least one date night a week--part of why we've maintained such a good friendship, at least, over the years. I've been trying to get him to dress up and do things that will make him more attractive to me (without being an absolute * * * * * about it, of course). He's not really a chivalrous guy--doesn't do things like open doors or think of wearing something other than a pair of old jeans to a nice dinner. I, on the other hand, do take pride in my appearance and being an attractive woman, so I've always paid attention to things like my attire, hair, makeup, etc. He has always been very complimentary of me, but frankly, he's the kind of person who is perfectly fine with wearing the same outfit three days in a row, so date nights aren't particularly "romantic." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supercalifragilistic Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 I don't know if you ever watched the movie Fireproof, but I highly recommend it. It is a Christian movie but it's worth watching it even if you aren't religious. I'm not at all and the religious references didn't bother me a bit... You could try doing that love dare thing they talk about in the movie, with him, who knows, it might make you fall in love with him all over again. Good luck and hope everything works out for you. It's great that you are willing to try, I wish my ex would have done the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechResQ Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 I don't know if you ever watched the movie Fireproof, but I highly recommend it. It is a Christian movie but it's worth watching it even if you aren't religious. I'm not at all and the religious references didn't bother me a bit... You could try doing that love dare thing they talk about in the movie, with him, who knows, it might make you fall in love with him all over again. Good luck and hope everything works out for you. It's great that you are willing to try, I wish my ex would have done the same. AWESOME suggestion. That movie is FANTASTIC! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
l5pkel Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 I was really worried for you when I started reading all of those replies telling you to end your marriage. I've been married 17 years and we've definitely been through rough periods. At those low times, it can be difficult to remember our strongest feelings for our partner. And who's to say that our strongest feelings must come at the beginning of a relationship?! As several have now pointed out, the infatuation stage is different. It's certainly fun (especially if you like roller coasters) but it's not long-term sustainable love! If you're both willing to work on it and you're actively pursuing help and strategies, then I say Go For It! You have nothing to lose!! And imagine the regret you'll feel if you give up before you KNOW that you've given it your best shot! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Rashomon Posted January 21, 2010 Author Share Posted January 21, 2010 Thanks for all the advice/insight. On the one hand, I totally understand (and definitely partially agree with) the naysayers who think that if the sense of burning love wasn't there to begin with, then I have a problem on my hands. On the other hand, I also know that relationships can change, grow, blossom, die, and be renewed over the years, so I'm willing to stick with things and see if this is just a bump in the road. This man really is a jewel (and I definitely know that any woman in her right mind would want to scoop him up IMMEDIATELY if we got divorced) and I know that even if things may not ultimately work out between us (and I'm willing to give it at least a year or two to make damn sure), I really owe it to myself to make a commitment and see what happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maalox Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 I am so in the same boat as you are. OMG. You have no idea... If you want to stay, then ignore the people who tell you to leave. Finding reasons to leave is easy, finding reasons to stay and really trying is where the nobility of the human spirit lies, in my opinion. Here's what I'm trying lately: Say this to him, often: Honey, I love you and appreciate you. Is there anything that I can do for you right now that helps you feel loved and appreciated ? Listen and do. -- After a while he might take up the same thread and ask you. This is a point where you can say something like: Well, I feel loved when you dress up a little bit for our date. It shows me that you care. You look really nice in that shirt and tie. Or if he never wore a shirt and tie try: I bet you'd look hot in new jeans, a white shirt and a tie. If he's especially slow - like my wife is - there will come a calm time when you can say: Honey, you know how I've been asking you if there's anything I can to help you feel more loved ? I'd really like it if you asked me those questions now and then... It was kind of a shock to my wife when I asked her that. She realized that not a single day goes by without me asking "How are you ?" and listening and "Is there anything I can do for you ?" and listening... She was actually getting frustrated by it, but when I pointed out how she NEVER asks me how I am, what I'm thinking about or feeling, is there anything she can do, she kind of got real quiet and we had a great talk about what makes us feel loved. I'm still waiting to be asked something, but hey, ya gotta start somewhere... You can't change him. But you can change you. One of your jobs (his too) is to create an environment in which he wants to change for you. Failing that, find reasons to love him anyway maalox We used to put the fun in dysfunctional. Lately there's been no funcing at all... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FarthestEdge Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 If you want to stay, then ignore the people who tell you to leave. Finding reasons to leave is easy, finding reasons to stay and really trying is where the nobility of the human spirit lies, in my opinion. ... You can't change him. But you can change you. One of your jobs (his too) is to create an environment in which he wants to change for you. Failing that, find reasons to love him anyway maalox Excellent post. Simply excellent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Rashomon Posted January 25, 2010 Author Share Posted January 25, 2010 Thanks for your beautiful post. I totally agree with you that staying with a situation like this is the most noble and human thing to do. (Of course, I'd probably say the complete opposite if it were a seriously dysfunctional and abusive relationship, which thankfully, it isn't.) My husband is a kind, attentive, gentle, and loving person, and the last several months have brought us closer in many ways. We are still working on some of the communication/incompatibility issues, but I'm also finding that simple steps like doing a new activity together (one of his choice, one of mine) is allowing us to discover things about each other, and about our own passions, that we hadn't been aware of before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azilynn Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 I'd be really interested in hearing about your progress with your husband. As I've been separated for about two years for much of the same reasons. Like your husband, he is perfect in every way, communication is awesome. It's just that feeling that gets in the way. Your story sounds so much like mine. Only I started towards the divorce and have been separated for some time now, technically two years. Haven't really been able to pull the triger just yet and recently thinking maybe I should give it another go, and I was stupid to leave. And bless his heart. He's still there waiting for me to come back. He doesn't want to divorce but I agree with some of the posts here that he deserves to be loved the way he loves me. I'm trying to be capable of that. I just don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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