Lady Rashomon Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 When most people think of passion, they probably think of the honeymoon phase of a relationship during which sex is phenomenal, two people are inseparable, and everything is exciting and new. I guess that since I have never actually experienced this kind of beginning (my marriage has always felt like a friendship more than anything else), I'm fairly mystified as to what passion might feel like with another person. In your opinion, is passion a prerequisite for being in a relationship? Is passion something that fades with time, or does it just simply change form? And generally, what does passion look like to you? (Like I said, haven't really felt it in an actual relationship, but the idea I have in my head is of a deep spiritual connection, a relationship in which two people can talk to each other about anything and are always willing to experience as much as they can with each other for the purpose of growth.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WomanWriter Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 No, I think friendship is the best foundation of a relationship. You can have passion, but it's not love. I also think passion can build over time. As long as there is mutual respect, admiration, and attraction, the butterflies are nice but don't mean a stable relationship. I think you should feel lucky to have a happy relationship because many don't. Of course, if you aren't happy, you should work on it or move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jd1983 Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 I think that passion would be an extra in any relationship. Of course it can fade or grow within time, but to have a relationship that you can talk to them about anything and everything and be friends as well, would be a huge plus. Passion to me leans towards affection. I think it varies from different people. To me, it's important, but to others it may not be. What matters most is how you feel about it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SapphireNoir10 Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 I know plenty of couples together 10+ years who enjoy a healthy, happy sex life and a passionate relationship. You have to work at it, take time to be together and never take eachother for granted too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 For me passion is essential, but is not only restricted to the bedroom. I don't believe investing my time and energy into something that I am not passionate about be it work, friends, a relationship. The more time I have invested, the more passionate I can become, thus passion can grow. How does it feel? It makes you feel alive, excited, it inspires me to look for solutions rather than to focus on problems; it means being excited about who the other person is, giving him the freedom to do whatever he wants to do and realizing he still choses you; it means inspiring each other to do things you never imagined doing, releasing energy you never realized you had. When it comes to the more conventional passion, many couples experience phases where there is more or less of it - but I think that really depends on the individual couple and their specific makeup. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Rashomon Posted January 14, 2010 Author Share Posted January 14, 2010 This is exactly the sort of passion I envision as being integral to a truly happy relationship. Sex, to me, is just one aspect of something much larger--a deep connection that inspires you continuously and allows for enormous freedom and growth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 This is exactly the sort of passion I envision as being integral to a truly happy relationship. Sex, to me, is just one aspect of something much larger--a deep connection that inspires you continuously and allows for enormous freedom and growth. I am not sure which passion is feeding off of which, but I would be upset/ concerned if our sex life wouldn't reflect the rest of our relationship. Can that type of passion last - I sure hope so and I'll do my utmost to keep it alive. Although not that long yet in a relationship, I have meet my bf 17 years ago. In between we had lost touch, but whenever we were a part of each others lives we had some serious chemistry, even as teenagers, and it has only grown since then, so yes I believe even that kind of passion can last. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Rashomon Posted January 14, 2010 Author Share Posted January 14, 2010 And if you've had a strong friendship but, again, there really hasn't been mind-blowing sex or passion from the get-go, do you think it's possible to build the latter after years of a good, comfortable relationship that never had sparks to begin with? This is sort of the quandary that I'm dealing with now...I think that, on his part, there was a lot of attraction, but the chemistry was never super strong for me. I feel that I chose him because he was reliable, honest, a good person, and someone who would never hurt me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 Yes I believe it is possible to build that kind of passion after years, if you are both willing to work for it and you both feel comfortable enough to communicate honestly. Did you experience chemistry with someone ever in your life or are you afraid it has not been part of your personality so far? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Rashomon Posted January 14, 2010 Author Share Posted January 14, 2010 Yes I believe it is possible to build that kind of passion after years, if you are both willing to work for it and you both feel comfortable enough to communicate honestly. Did you experience chemistry with someone ever in your life or are you afraid it has not been part of your personality so far? Yes, I've experienced chemistry with other people but for various reasons, those are relationships that didn't last or were doomed from the beginning. So I guess that over time, I came to associate passion/chemistry with infatuation, and friendship with love. But I'm wondering now if it's possible to have the full package. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Fox Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 I think of passion as the flush of excitement and maybe lust and the thrill of something new. I think and some scientific theories say that the initial phase of lust and passion eventually dies out. When this happens if there is nothing to fall back on for the couple then I imagine the relationship will start to fall apart. If there is a good friendship underneath it all I think the relationship will change more to a caring bond rather than passion and lust. I think it moves more to thinking I miss him / her, I love spending time with him / her and so on compared to the initial I want to rip his / her clothes off all the time first stage. I think eventually the lust and passion runs out so if you last a while you could move into the kind of caring phase and this is what keeps the long term relationships going I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 But I'm wondering now if it's possible to have the full package. as you convinced yourself that passion is infatuation you can work on learning that passion with your SO will be something special. You already know that you are committed to each other and that all the other important ingredients for a lasting and happy relationship exist, thus there is no risk of 'reducing your relationship to sex' -it might just be the cherry on top. You also don't have to pressure yourself to make a radical change and want to be in bed with him 24/7. I'd start by exploring by yourself what turns YOU on, how comfortable you are with yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mgirl Posted January 15, 2010 Share Posted January 15, 2010 but the idea I have in my head is of a deep spiritual connection, a relationship in which two people can talk to each other about anything and are always willing to experience as much as they can with each other for the purpose of growth.) This seems like an American film cliche! EVERY relationship i have had that has been based on sex and lust has faded out and hasn't been a relationship at all. Just my 2 cents worth.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Rashomon Posted January 15, 2010 Author Share Posted January 15, 2010 This seems like an American film cliche! EVERY relationship i have had that has been based on sex and lust has faded out and hasn't been a relationship at all. Just my 2 cents worth.. I don't see how experiences of being challenged so that you can grow together and having a common spiritual purpose are American film cliches. I also think that passion has a very different definition to different people. Yes, it includes chemistry and emotional connection but I'm not necessarily thinking of romance exclusively, but of inspiration, connection, wanting to be a better person for the world, not just for your partner. Waking up in the morning looking forward to a brand-new day because you feel awake and alive and inspired. Funny enough, I would actually say that when I started dating my husband, it WAS based on sex, but not the kind of passion I'm describing (mainly, I was pretty young so I thought that sex is what you do when you're dating someone). But after a couple months, we decided that we liked each other as people--he helped me through a very difficult period of my life, stuck around when most people wouldn't, etc. We were able to build a strong friendship early on, almost in the sense that we felt like an old married couple within a few months of the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Rashomon Posted January 15, 2010 Author Share Posted January 15, 2010 . as you convinced yourself that passion is infatuation you can work on learning that passion with your SO will be something special. You already know that you are committed to each other and that all the other important ingredients for a lasting and happy relationship exist, thus there is no risk of 'reducing your relationship to sex' -it might just be the cherry on top. You also don't have to pressure yourself to make a radical change and want to be in bed with him 24/7. I'd start by exploring by yourself what turns YOU on, how comfortable you are with yourself. Good advice. I'm definitely starting to rethink the place of passion in a marriage or serious relationship. And again, I don't want it to simply be about sex--I want it to be about being excited to be with each other and share new things with each other. For example, I've been seeing a ton of middle-aged couples eating lunch or dinner together at a restaurant without speaking a single word to each other or even looking at each other. That sort of apathy just makes me so sad! I want us to have the kind of relationship where we WANT to be around each other and where we derive enjoyment from that. Lately, things have been swinging toward apathy for a plethora of reasons but I'm trying to bring the sense of newness and discovery back so things don't descend into stale routine. But it could just be a mentality thing. My husband is naturally pretty low energy and prefers predictability to trying new things together. He's a wonderful person but not exactly what I'd call adventurous or spontaneous, so I'm trying to coax him out of his comfort zone. (We're also going to couples counseling, so this is definitely something to discuss.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted January 15, 2010 Share Posted January 15, 2010 How about implementing a date night on a regular basis? One time you have to come up with something to do, the other time him (and you can't do the same thing twice in a row)? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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