Question about mixed signals, hurtful comments

[Brandell]

i would like to ask a question of people on the board particularly the females as me being a stupid male need an understanding of something. I won't go into details of the break up with my ex. Anyone who is interested can look back at my last 3 posts for a synopsis but suffice it to say it is the single most traumatic experience of my entire life. Not so much the fact that she split with me (which was devastating but at least if it was straight forward I could cope with it)... No. Its the way it was done with mixed signals and emotional rollercoastering. I have no doubt she still loves me, at least I think she does.

 

Anyway, here are exerpts from some conversations, phone, text and in person from the last few weeks.

 

"You are bad for me"

"You are the most beautiful person I ever met"

"I can't see you again, I have moved on"

"I love you more than life itself"

"My feelings for you are tremendous"

"Even though I can't see again, I still think of you"

"I want us to be together but we must be honest"

"I love you SO MUCH"

'I don't want to betray you"

"Don't even go there" (in response to a question 'do you love me and are you seeing someone else)

"I will never have the same intimacy with anyone alse as i had with you"

"You don't put me first, don't think I love you anymore"

"be happy, i can't see you again"

 

Please someone explain to me DO people say hurtful things and not actually mean them? DO people tell someone they don't love them anymore but mean the opposite.

 

Is this a female thing that this stupid male brain just can't digest?

 

Any thoughts on mixed signals, male/female differences in communication, saying one thing, meaning another etc... ANY thoughts appreciated.. especially from the girls.

[rnorth]

...she sounds like she is trying to get a certain reaction or response from you. She may not even know what it is. My advice is that you try to stop worrying about her motives and just show her that you are working on making yourself a stronger person for yourself (and mean it!). When she says something along the line of not being able to see you anymore, you can say, "If this is really how you feel, I don't think we need to discuss this topic anymore. While it would be a bonus to have you in my life, I will be fine regardless." Then follow up with some small talk as if you have moved on from the topic. It is okay and probably preferable to acknowledge that you still have feelings for her, but that you can handle it.

 

She doesn't sound settled in her decision. But she probably would be attracted if she saw some strength from you. Be available to listen, but not too available.

 

The solution I just mentioned worked for me, as my girlfriend and I got back together a week ago after a two week breakup. Unfortunately, we had a fight last night as I said something about her dog that was perceived as being insensitive. She knows that I love that dog, but she left last night after we had a great time. My concern is that in this delicate phase of reconciliation, that any little argument will send us over the edge again.

[sweetione]

It sounds like she is very confused. I don't think it is a difference in female/male conversations. I would just accept that she is confused and maybe means everything she said. Maybe one time she does love you but maybe the next she isn't sure. I think maybe not bringing up the relationship questions for alittle bit might help. Just be the person she fell in love with....

[SilverSurfer]

i went through quite abit of this as well, and it left me without an ounce of confidence left in myself. we were always quarrelling about the smallest things and she would always say such hurtful things when she was angry, only to later turn around and say that people say the worst things when they're angry, unapologetically saying 'so please disregard all of it'.

 

i believe my ex just has a different treatment of what's 'acceptable'... to her, saying such hurtful things is just a way of getting rid of her anger or frustration though she may not mean it. i don't think she's trying to get any response or is doing it with any intention in mind.

 

i don't know what the underlying context was when she said those things to you...

 

sweetione : its hard to 'be the person she fell in love with'... going back to what was perfect before needs both persons to revert back to what they were... IMHO that's going to be nearly impossible. i held out hoping that things would someday revert themselves to the good past, but it never happened, and the more i held out, the more i suffered, and in the end i had to painfully end it all.