kevinm Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 So.... my g/f of about a month and a half broke up with me tonight (over the phone) because I felt uncomfortable spending Christmas day with her and her entire extended family. There would have been maybe 15 people there... I just didn't feel like I'd be comfortable there. I told her I'd rather meet them more on an individual basis before just diving into a family get-together. Especially considering the whole gift-giving aspect and being so early in our relationship. She told me that xmas was a big deal to her and that if I weren't willing to compromise then we were over. Am I wrong? -Kevin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopelessincan Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 they are your feelings. are you afraid of something? think its too soon? My ex asked me over to his family gathering last year after we had only been dating for about three weeks. As freaky as it was, I went. I was nervous, but ended up having the best xmas Ive had in years. there was about 12 people there but they were all so welcoming and nice...so you just never know. i dont think its reason to break up with you, but maybe you should give it a shot if you really like her.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 I sort of agree with her...I just wrote you this in a FB PM but I'll say it here in case anyone thinks the same. Or maybe I'm out of line saying it, I don't know. Anyway, it just seems a little committment-phobic. Putting myself on her side, I could understand her being bothered by that and that'd be the conclusion I'd draw. To me, it doesn't seem like a big deal to spend time with the family that early on. Had you met any of them yet? I'm spending time tomorrow with my boyfriend's family and we've been together just 2 months. I've met the immediate family a few times and like them (well, love/hate...) but I'll be meeting more tomorrow. Just seems like something it's "time" to do, ya know? Putting a time limit/constraint/what-have-you on relationships, to me, feels too strict. Saying it's "too early" or "too late" to do something means to me going against something I may instinctively feel is right, like I'd be going against my gut. What was your gut telling you? Was your head getting in the way of what your gut was saying or were they in agreement? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 Ok I just got the follow up to your Facebook message....yeah, good thing it ended....sounds like your gut was right!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucius Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 So.... my g/f of about a month and a half broke up with me tonight (over the phone) because I felt uncomfortable spending Christmas day with her and her entire extended family. There would have been maybe 15 people there... I just didn't feel like I'd be comfortable there. I told her I'd rather meet them more on an individual basis before just diving into a family get-together. Especially considering the whole gift-giving aspect and being so early in our relationship. She told me that xmas was a big deal to her and that if I weren't willing to compromise then we were over. Am I wrong? -Kevin Am I crazy, or does that seem a little ironic? If someone's going to give you the boot, over the phone, because you won't do as they wish - compromise doesn't exactly seem their strong suit either. You did suggest, after all, that you wanted to meet them - just at a more sedate pace. Sounds like a compromise to me. It just wasn't what - or when - she wanted it. With that said, with a girlfriend worth the effort (i.e. herself willing to compromise and stick it out), sucking it up and going would probably be the wiser (and more considerate path). For future reference. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 I think her reaction was over the top. I can see both sides of this, but I think she could have handled it better and you two could have worked things out had she not dumped you. You have not been dating her for long and you did not feel comfortable. It would have been nice if she tried to be more understanding of that. From her side, you declined to attend an event that was really important to her so I can understand her feeling disappointed, but I do think it was a bit rash to break up over it (if this was the only issue in the relationship). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
curiocity Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 I think I am on her side. Especially if she had told family that you were going to join them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 so let me ask you - do you feel relieved or sad? were you really excited about her or kind of 'meh.....'? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jd1983 Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 I think it's a little overboard of her to break up with you because you didn't want to spend time with her family. You've only been with her for a month, definitely too early to meet the whole family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 I can understand both of your points of view. I think maybe she took your hesitation as a hesitation in making your relationship debut in front of her family. And to her that might have meant that you didn't see your relationship going anywhere legit. In the future if you feel backed into a corner this way, why not suggest dinner with her parents 3 nights later or something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevinm Posted December 25, 2009 Author Share Posted December 25, 2009 Hummm. The board seems to be split. Annie-- I was kinda "meh" about it. She was REALLY into me starting off and I tried my best to keep things moving forward without too much "future talk" about "us". I had only met her Mom. I don't believe she said I would be there as I was very honest about not wanting to go because I felt uncomfortable. As I see it, I would invite my g/f over to my family event (whatever that may be) but not be hurt if she didn't want to go... especially if she had only met one family member and the event were a family gathering. The time factor isn't necessarily a factor in and of itself, but the seriousness of the relationship is a factor indeed. I felt that we were not that serious, clearly she felt otherwise. There were indeed other factors involved. She's 14 years younger than me so there's a huge maturity difference as well. She's just starting off in life and I have a career and a house and all that "stuff". So there were indeed other stresses in our relationship. -Kevin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 I'd feel weird about dating that short a time and seeing that much family. I think its a little over the top to say that you have to do the family thing, to me Christmas is about family, but its not about forcing a significant other into seeing them. That serious of an ultimatum delivered on the idea of compromise was pretty hypocritical and lacks respect for your feelings. I think you may have dodge a bullet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 well, maybe in a way this is good, because you don't seem as excited about her as she is about you? i agree that i would feel uncomfortable meeting 14 (!!!) family members at the same time. but even more so if i wasn't totally into him. if it's a guy i'm on the fence about, now way would i want to go. if i was really crazy about him, i would want to go. that's just me. ...so.... maybe this was your 'litmus test' - perhaps a bit too early - she wanted to see how you felt about her, and she got your answer. so, there you go. oh well, like you said, you two don't have a lot in common so maybe it's better just to move on. good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevinm Posted December 25, 2009 Author Share Posted December 25, 2009 CarnelianButterfly-- thank you for understanding my feelings. I couldn't have said it better myself when you wrote: "That serious of an ultimatum delivered on the idea of compromise was pretty hypocritical and lacks respect for your feelings." Right-- How about SHE compromise, or at least at this stage, let it slide and move forward. I suppose at the end of the day there wasn't enough there between us for her to invest in a future with me. Annie- I'm not hurt, or frankly that surprised. In a way I saw the writing on the wall. She saw the things I had achieved in my life and wanted me to share all of those things with her right away. I've been down that road, where a woman sees security and wants me to lend my finances and support for her. I'm sorry, but moving from one dependent relationship (living with her mother) and wanting to live with me (eventually) without spending time to achieve things on her own would not be healthy for me or her or "us" I felt. I did explain my feelings on this matter, but I feel she only saw me not including her in my life. On that note, I would be better matched with someone who has already proven they can live on their own and support themselves. I mean, I've lived in crappy basement apartments and had awful jobs and struggled. I worked my butt off to have an education, money in my bank account, and a roof over my head. I felt she wanted me to "rescue" her in many ways, and I told her very clearly I was not going to do that. In her defense, I'm not the easiest guy to date. I have crazy high standards. I am fiercely loyal, but also fiercely independent. I am the lone wolf. It's just sad I can't find another lone wolf to rub noses with in my life -Kevin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 oh yes, i agree with CB. definitely hypocritical. she wants you to 'compromise' by doing things her way! wow. it's not like you said you never wanted to meet them, just not all at the same time tomorrow. oh well. sounds like it's not a huge loss for you. i agree with finding a woman at the same 'stage' of life you are at. that sounds like it would be a better match for you. did you get her a present? i guess you can return it now if you didn't give it to her already. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 besides..... i've never understood the whole 'taking someone to a wedding or a holiday dinner' when you've just started dating. do you really want to spend the next 3 years of your life answering the random cousin/aunt/senile grandmother's questions of "Where's that nice young man you brought to Christmas last year....?' "Sigh... we broke up 11 months ago." No thanks, I'd rather go to a wedding or holiday single than bring the boyfriend of the month. I have a friend whose senile grandmother always calls his wife Heather. (That's not her name!) That's the name of some girl he dated 10 years ago, but crazy grandmother either doesn't know or doesn't care to learn the wife's name, lol. Luckily, the wife is a good sport about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevinm Posted December 25, 2009 Author Share Posted December 25, 2009 Thanks Annie. And you are correct. I told her I would feel more comfortable meeting them individually or at least on an occasion where I wouldn't be spending 10hrs with them the first time I was meeting them. I bought her/us a huge 7ft tall xmas tree and a butt load of ornaments. I also bought her a nice scarf and was working on building a bird feeder for her. I guess the bird feeder is mine now! -Kevin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 Well the second you said she was 20, that's all I had to read to know this was a good thing...just b/c I think that 14 years is a big age difference at this stage in life. Knowing you as I do, I know that you don't want a college-aged girl (not yet woman) interfering in your often-isolated life. So yes, bullet dodged, IMO, for that reason alone. The family thing was just the icing on the cake, perhaps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 Why was this an issue the evening before Christmas Day - had you not talked about what you were going to do before this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ButterflyWrists Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 Christmas is FAMILY time, last year I went to my boyfriends for christmas, and I felt completally out of place. Your ex is out of line saying if you don't do what I say then we are over, that's an immature thing to say, and do. If you didn't feel ready, then no way should you be forced to go. Looks like you dodged someone who could be manipulative and controlling if she didn't get her way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaVinci Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 I wouldn't invite someone I'm seeing for just a month and a half to a Christmast-gathering. That's way to soon, my opinion. You are still getting to know eachother ... leave the family out till you are sure about eachother. I'm on your side! And I too think you dodget a bullet... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 The thing that bothers me about this is she didn't care if you were extremely uncomfortable in a room full of people you hardly knew, 'pretending' you were part of her family when you hadn't built a connection yet, as long as she got her way and you 'pretended' you were part of her family when you didn't have those emotions yet. So she really was trying to force your hand, and certainly didn't care if you were happy or not. The best partners are those who are sensitive to both their own and their partners feelings, and who try to see another person's point of view and compromise. She obviously sees a relationship as a one way street, where she gets what she wants, regardless of the cost to her partner. I agree with others, that you may have dodged a bullet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jengh Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 I can understand your point of view... I almost backed out of going to my boyfriend's for Christmas and we've been together for awhile now and I've MET his family multiple times. It can be nerve-wracking. If we had only been dating for a month, I probably wouldn't have felt comfortable either. If she's going to break up with you over that, you're better off. I think she should have respected your feelings on this a little bit more. Sure, I can see where she might be disappointed, but it is asking quite a bit. Not everyone can just jump into the family thing. And as hers said, there's a 14yr difference, with her being 20? I agree with what she posted on that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seattle02 Posted December 25, 2009 Share Posted December 25, 2009 I don't blame you for not wanting to go....that's seems way too early to spend Christmas with the whole family. I would have done the exact same thing as you. I can't believe she broke up with you over it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevinm Posted December 25, 2009 Author Share Posted December 25, 2009 Thanks everyone for your support/views/opinions. Yeah... the age difference is there, just a number, but the maturity factor was way off. I don't feel she was controlling, but rather needy. She needed constant reassurance that we were on the same path and that I cared for her, etc, etc. I'm not the reassuring type. In fact, I'm bad at that. In any case, Happy Holidays everyone! -Kevin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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