2 guys, dating, im confused

[seren]

Ok, so i met this guy in september, (lets call him B) we hit it off, but we livev far a part n he works shift work so we only see each other v randomly, needless to say altho we like each other and have amazing dates when we do see one another we havent spoken about whether we are dating or not or what we are even doing. FYI we do fancy one another also, kiss etc.

 

Over the past few months i have gotten to know him I have developed some kind of feelings. I havent taken anything serious tho bw us as we see each other so randomly. We are both v laidf back ppl n i suppose we both just havent felt the need to discuss what we r, but if anythning i would say that we are friends who do like each other more then just friends but we live far a part etc!? im not sure....it coudl also be that it has taken until now for me to get to know him as i see him so rarely and only now have i gotten to know him well enuff to actually think there is real potential..

 

lately he has been super sweet too, calllin me arrnaging times to visit and asking me to his new yrs party.....n being v excited when say i should be able to..

 

heres the prob tho...on sat night i went out with group of mutual friends and there was this guy there (lets call him R) who i have met a few times and who actually caught my eye big time when i first met him but who seemed uninterested. Anyways ends up being that he is interested but didnt show it last few times i have seen him as his friend had a crush on me n he didnt want to step on toes (his friend has openly told me about his feelings but as we are good friend i explained i dont not see him as anything else but a friend), so R asks this friend if its ok if he asked me out to which my friend said he didnt care at all n was over me...so R tells me that night that he told my friend he liked me and asked if it was ok to ask me out, we end up hangin out a lot that night and chatting, having fun etc. He asks me out 2 nights later and we go for this amazing date. I find that we have a lot in common, he seems super keen, sweet n honest, good job, family and the lot! I am really keen on getting to know him more for sure!

 

BUT we have only been on one date yet i feel like i need to stop seeing B, do i? B was supposed to come over and visit xmas eve but now i feel conflicted. what do you guys think?

 

I see more potential and like R a lot, i wouldnt wantt o screw it up...is it good for me to keep dating others seems R and I are just dating or should i stop seeing B?

 

Also, would you guys say R and I having a first date go for 4 and half hours with some kissing/kissing only going too fast? will this spoil our chances? I feel like it was just right...i really enjoyed the date n felt v comfortable...

 

is a guy saying you are beautiful, that they havent felt a connection with a girl liek this in a long time, and that they wouldnt wanna be anywhere else a bad thing or good thing? he also talks about future plans of things we 'could' do...is it too much? too fast? is it a red flag?

 

he knows a lot about me from meeting me previously but also from my friend who is also his friend who had a crush on me as he would talk about me all the time n other mutual friends would talk about me a lot to him also..

[Tarkan]

About your date with R: If it feels right, if you have a good gut feeling about it, then you aren't going too fast. There is no rule as what is too fast or not, exept maybe for vain standards. You said it felt so right, then it probably was.

 

However, keeping B around doesn't seem right to me. Why would you even keep him around when you kissed R ( or am I wrong ? ). I think you can date different people at the same time, but only if it's only to get to know eachother. Once you get more intimate, it's very bad to play around with people's feelings.

 

If I was B, I'd be very upset to hear you kissed another guy. You said it yourself: R is showing more potential and is more fun to be around with. If you haven't made your choice yet, I suggest you sit back for a moment and think ... think about what you really want.

 

You can't have both that's for sure.

 

Seren, if you choose for R, I sincerly hope you'll let B know and don't mess around with him.

 

cheers

[maverick554]

This is one of those double-eged sword type of problems. Because on the one hand your not officially in a relationship with either, as you have only been out with each a few times and neither has "sealed the deal." So technically for the time being until one of them makes it official between the two of you, it is ok for you to see other people. But on the other hand if one of them finds out about the other it may send them running for the hills, as they may feel that they don't want to have to compete with somebody else for your affection, they may also feel that the whole situation has alot of potential for drama, which again they don't want to deal with. Your going to have to simply make a decision as to what you want to do, as there really are no right or wrong answers here. But as a guy I've always preferred girls who would only date me after we had been out a few times but before things became official. And I've always shown the same treatment to the girls I've dated. I personally have just always felt that dating should be about love and seeing where things go, not about competition.

[Tarkan]

I think that in her case it's a question of morality.

 

There would be no "double-edged sword problem" if one can make a honest choice. Why do people choose for more then one ? Because they're insecure. Usually it goes like: "Hey, I'm afraid to end up alone if I make the wrong choice, so I'll just take both and go for the one that makes the first move"

Of course, one of them is going to feel bad after that ... that's if we assume that she isn't being honest with the guys.

[maverick554]

I think that in her case it's a question of morality.

 

There would be no "double-edged sword problem" if one can make a honest choice. Why do people choose for more then one ? Because they're insecure. Usually it goes like: "Hey, I'm afraid to end up alone if I make the wrong choice, so I'll just take both and go for the one that makes the first move"

Of course, one of them is going to feel bad after that ... that's if we assume that she isn't being honest with the guys.

 

I don't question her morality because as of right now she owes nothing to either of these guys. Neither one is her bf. So really she has done nothing wrong. She has only been out with one of them once, and the other like twice or something like that. Its not as if she is in a relationship with the one and is seeing the other, deciding if she wants to make a switch. Currently she is just "playing the field" and seeing whats out there, which is perfectly fine, its what single people do before they get in a relationship with someone. And she is single! Now I do agree with you that she should make a decision between the two of them in a timely fashion, and once she sees herself "getting serious" with one of them, she should then promptly tell the other goodbye, but it is far too early for her to reach that decision with either guy. It takes time and soul-searching.

[Tarkan]

Am I reading this wrong or did she said that she kissed one of her dates ?

 

 

 

I wouldn't really call that playing the field. Wouldn't you be upset if you knew that your date was kissing other men ? Or is it me that is too old fashioned ?

[maverick554]

Am I reading this wrong or did she said that she kissed one of her dates ?

 

 

 

I wouldn't really call that playing the field. Wouldn't you be upset if you knew that your date was kissing other men ? Or is it me that is too old fashioned ?

 

Bottom line is that unless she is in a relationship she is free to do as she pleases. Again as I said before she owes nothing to either one of these guys and they owe nothing to her. They are free to do as they please and see other girls if they so desire. Because there is no officiality between her and either guy there is no expectation of exclusivity. And until she becomes official with one of them there is no foul here.

 

You need to lighten up a little and comprehend that dating is a system of trial and error until you find the right person. Most reasonable people keep their options open until they are in a relationship or are on the verge of being in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with that.

[seren]

THanks for all the posts guys....

 

Tarkan..I was thinking the same thing as you! Because i have kissed R it changes things and makes it not so ok to hang out with B...I also thought if i hadnt kissed R and i was just hangin almost like friends with both of them and just getting to know them that , that would be fine but I have gone more intimate with R who i do feel it is really right with BUT i dont know how HE feels and what he wants and that is what has made me insecure...

 

its not that i want both around in case one goes wrong and ill end up alone. not that at all!! It honestly is that i am soooooo lucky to have met two v amazing also v diff people at same time....n im still getting to know both.... its not like im keepin both round for back up.... its more that im keeping both around because i dont know either WELL enough yet to make decision...

 

i think i have now though, since kissing R on date which went sooooo well...

 

plus B never took me on date, kinda just comes round when hes up my way...but i do get feeling he is getting little more 'interested in me' now...so i do need to make quick decision i think....

 

it is trickky cos

a) i dont know either well enough and can onlyd o so by spending time with them

b) neither one of them have said what they r wantin in future as its too soon of course!

c) i like both of them

 

i guess the fact that i asked on here, on a forum about what i should do, shows that i dont want to wrong either of them!!! and so OF COURSE i would tell B that im wanting to persue another person n not lead him on!!

 

and yes ive only been on one date with R and a few with B( if you could call them dates even!) which they arent , more just spending time together!

 

any more thoughts?

[Tarkan]

Bottom line is that unless she is in a relationship she is free to do as she pleases. Again as I said before she owes nothing to either one of these guys and they owe nothing to her. They are free to do as they please and see other girls if they so desire. Because there is no officiality between her and either guy there is no expectation of exclusivity. And until she becomes official with one of them there is no foul here.

 

You need to lighten up a little and comprehend that dating is a system of trial and error until you find the right person. Most reasonable people keep their options open until they are in a relationship or are on the verge of being in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

So basically what you say is: I can have sex with alot of women while dating other's ? I'm a free man so I can do whatever I want !

 

Yes you are right about the fact that she isn't bound to any of these guys. But neither is someone in a relationship. I think I made a post about that a few months ago, about people flirting with someone else's bg/gf. We're ALWAYS free to do what you want. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you aren't aloud to do certain things. You always have the choice.

 

But the question is: Are my acts morale ?

 

I think she owes these guys one thing: respect and honesty. That's some basic respect that every human being diserves. It also shows that you care about someone. I wouldn't want to date someone that doesn't care about me. If you don't care about someone, why not just be eachother's fwb ? You know, a good shag here and there and that's where it stops.

 

You are also right about the fact that her options must remain open. But please, don't keep everyone hooked when you are getting more serious with someone. Make your choice, pick someone and GO for it. What I tried to say is that dating is NOT a game. You are confronted with human emotions ... which can be broken easily. You DO NOT play with emotions. Unless you don't care about how others feel, that's a possibility aswell. ( Don't take it personally, I'm just making assumptions )

[Tarkan]

Aha it gets more clear now !

 

I understand how you feel, I've been in similar situations. You wish someone would make a choice for you because neither option is a good one: You end up loosing someone you really like There is also this everlasting question: Did I make the good choice ?

 

You know, I have nothing against multiple dating, it's just how you act with the guys that matters. Maverick is right about alot of stuff. What I don't like however is the "just do what you want" attitude. Don't forget these guys are treating you well. You should do the same.

 

The kissing might be considered as a slipper. But hey, in the end, who am I to judge ? You said it felt so right ... I can completely understand. You know, these kind of emotions just happen sometimes and you can't control them. I don't know if I could have resisted myself if I was in your situation. Just don't start kissing around, that's just cheap ...

 

You know, I'd say you keep dating both guys, but without kissing or more. You sounded a bit uncertain about R. and about how it all went so fast. Next time you see him you might explain him that you want to take things slower. See how he reacts, is he interested into learing more about you ? B on the other hand, might be more shy then R. Is he worth less because of that ? Certainly not. That's why dating more is also a good choice with him. You said that you don't know that much about RnB ( my little joke ) , well it might be a good opportunity to find out.

 

The good part: Getting to know them better might help you to make a decision. Not only will you learn more about them, but you might also learn alot more about their intentions.

 

The bad part: It might be harder to break up with any of them if they turn out to be two great guys.

 

Go out, date them and try to see which one fits better for you. Keep us updated if you want ^_^ Just don't mess around with them ! Unless you're into group action lol