Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Marsh and Annie.

Yes Annie, I'm not sure if I want to meet him still, but if I do meet him, I want to keep it light, definitely meet in public, do some activity and not go sit at a restaurant where I have nothing else to do but to look at him and feel obligated to talk.

 

Yes Marsh, my mom knows that he was in a FWB relationship before. She was very unhappy to hear that and she is not happy that I even think of him for a potential partner. I haven't told her that we made out. I'm afraid that she will blow it out of proportion. My mom and I talked yesterday. She thinks "He is acting the way he is because he might be getting it from somewhere else still. If this guy could do it before, what would stop him now or even after marriage to enter into a purely physical relationship?"

 

I'm new in this town, he gave me his brother's and his female friend's phone no. in case I needed help. My mom isn't happy about this "Looks like he has more female friends than guy friends. Who knows if thats a friend or something else? I trust nothing this guy does. I would rather you marry someone else who isn't this charming, educated, but someone who will stay loyal. Who knows what the reality of this man is? How do you know that he is really out there looking for marriage?"

 

I recollect, when he told me about his FWB relationship, he used the words "I've taken care of it" with a dry voice. I thought to myself "wow...this is the way you talk about a woman who let you use her body for no money and no love?" I'm really curious to know how did he took care of it? Should I employ private detectives and get some information on this man before I even consider him for marriage? I will have to blow 2 months salary on that, but it would be worth it. There are such agencies here.

 

Marsh, I've never felt loved by this man. I don't think that he cares about me at all. I asked him once, "How do you express love?" His reply "I don't have to *show* it. My parents and brother know that I do love them. They love me. Why do I need to show it then?" We met in June. We stayed in touch till September end. Entire October, I didn't call. We didn't talk. November we talked once. There is no progress here. I have no desire to meet him. Why should I stay in a loveless relationship? Is it too much to expect affection, a hug, a kiss, affectionate words.... even if he can't marry me? When he made out, he was groping me, but there was no passion. He didn't say a word. He did ask me if I was wet. (I'm really sorry to write this) What is going on? Do men talk while making out or is this normal? Can a guy provide me some perspective on this?

[annie24]

L, why should you hire a private detective when he hasn't shown you he is serious about you? Keep meeting other men.

[marshmlofluff]

Yes Marsh, my mom knows that he was in a FWB relationship before. She was very unhappy to hear that and she is not happy that I even think of him for a potential partner.

 

I see--I was under the impression that your mom liked him and was happy about your seeing him, and that is why she was telling you to spend time with him in case he suddenly became interested in marriage. Now that I know that she also doesn't like him then I agree with her, and if multiple people in your life--all of whom want to see you happily married--are saying that this guy is not a reasonable prospect then I think they may be right.

 

If you don't feel loved by him, and you don't feel he cares about you, I see no point in meeting him. In the worst case, you are going to end up used as an FWB. In the "best" case, you are going to end up married to someone who after marriage still doesn't love you or care about you.

 

With normal men, who genuinely are interested in marriage, you do not have to feel or behave desperate. And there are normal men out there, even though that is hard to believe sometimes. You might have to compromise on caste, on someone's career, or on the amount of education or the quality of it, how well he speaks English, whatever.

 

But you shouldn't compromise on his character, and how he treats you.

 

In my opinion, keep meeting other men. And also, stop meeting this one, because even if he suddenly decides he wants to marry you, based on the things you have said I do not think it would be a good idea to marry him.

[LAYAAN]

I'm going crazzzy. Haven't slept well. Praying my guts out for God to give me wisdom to know what to say. Its one of those days my being single is hitting me hard.

This guy said he will come to see me. I don't know what to say. Talked to my mom. She said "Whether you talk about anything else or not, tell him the reason you two are meeting is because you are considering him for marriage and he should tell you if that has changed from his side or when it changes and not assume that you would know and would also want to stay friends. Tell him the reason why you felt you had to bring this up because it has been since June you have been meeting and things have not progressed the way you would like 'em to go. You do understand his job situation, but you are not sure that it is the only reason why things are so slow. You are not sure if he is convinced about your potential as a partner. You don't feel loved. Hanging on and staying hopeful about this has become difficult. He hasn't introduced you to his parents despite you all being in the same town. So you are wondering."

Should I call him up and tell him this before he even comes to see me for lunch today or tell him that you would like to discuss some serious stuff? That way we don't have to meet if its just casual friendship thing.

[LAYAAN]

Not sure how to put this exactly. Met him yesterday. We went, ate at a place of his choice. He didn't ask me if it was okay for me to eat there. He acted distant. Would not hug me or hold my hand as he normally used to. After we finished eating, we sat down and he said "So, how are you? What's happening in terms of your marriage? What are your parents saying?"

I suddenly went silent. I didn't know what to say.

We couldnt' sit at the place since it started getting busy, noisy. We went to a quiet place to sit.

Me "Are you trying to say something?"

Him "Do you want me to say something? Look, I'm not good at getting these hints. It has been almost 6 months since we got in touch with each other. My job search is going nowhere. I just don't understand why things are the way they are. You are probably waiting for me. Your parents are probably rushing you for marriage. I still say the same thing. 'I will not marry until i have a job.'"

Me "Had i known that you were going to have this conversation with me, i would have come prepared. I'm in short of words right now. I don't know what to say. I can definitely think of a few things. One is that you don't flirt with me. I don't sense that you are affectionate towards me. Are you even attracted to me? or you have been forcing yourself all this time."

Him "I thought you would have known by this time that I am attracted to you and I'm interested in you. (said this with a straight face) i'm not good at expressing my emotions and that won't change into marriage either. Another reason why I haven't been calling you more often, flirting, etc. is because we dont know if and when we are goign to be married. I don't want to bring you to a position where you are not able to stay with me or move forward with someone else."

Me "What is it that *you* want?"

Him "My emotional part says 'you have to be together.' My logical part says 'How can you even think about this? You don't have a job and you are using up your savings.' What do you want?"

Me "I definitely want marriage. I am tired of going to the restaurant alone and asking for a take-out everyday. I'm tired of booking my tickets with the same agent and having him put my name as Mrs.xxx because he sees that I'm 34. I want companionship. I don't mind waiting, but whatever is going on between us, I need something solid to hold on to. Since your parents have not met me, I have to worry about that factor as well. Suppose, I wait for you for another 6 months. Then you get a job, you take me home, they don't approve of me. Then i'll be really heart-broken."

Him "I really don't think that there will be any problem from my parents' side. Even if they don't like you, they are not going to say anything about that. I have the ultimate say since its my marriage. What would be that something solid for you to hold on to?"

Me "I used to think that it could be an engagement, but I'm not so sure anymore. A ring or not, I need to have a strong sense of assurance and commitment. And I don't have that here. In fact, I feel very often that I'm in a loveless relationship. I say this for a lack of a better term."

Him "My father had hernia surgery yesterday. He is home now. I came on my brother's scooter so I need to leave soon. Can I see you next weekend?"

Me looked surprised "I'm sorry. You shouldn't even be here today. Your father needs you. You can go. And I'm surprised that you want to see me next weekend. Whats the purpose of meeting now? You are basically telling me 'you are free from my side.' You seem to have made up your mind."

Him "No, I haven't given this deep thought or anything. I just thought of this while I was here and asked you about your marriage. Then you thought of something and we got to talking about that. Don't you want to spend some time with me next weekend since I'm going to be in town?"

Me "Sure, I would want to, but I've given you more time than I've anyone else. There has to be some purpose to meeting. If that purpose is not being met, what is the point of meeting?"

Him "let me drop you home."

Me "No, I'll walk. I normally go for a walk to clear my head anyway. So, that would be good."

 

Sent me a text an hour later. Did you reach home or you are still thinking?

Me texted back "Ya I'm home. Thank you. Would you be open to talking some time? I still have doubts." I should not have said this. I was crying at that time. Looks like this is over. I really really like him. I want to be with him. I can wait.

 

My mom said "I'm glad that you had this conversation. Whatever doubts you have, you can ask him those doubts. Don't expect an honest response. He has told you what you need to hear. The message is 'I can't commit to you now. You are free from my side.' He is not asking you to wait. May be he likes you, may be he has found someone else. And here you are telling me that you want to wait? You want to wait at age 34+ for a guy who is telling you that he has set you free? You don't see the risk involved here? There is nothing solid to wait here. Pay the other marriage site and erase his name from your memory."

 

Why am I in this situation? Everytime I see him, I get a new hope 'maybe something would work. Maybe he likes me.' Before I went to see him yesterday, I got down on my knees and prayed to God and for this man to say all this on his own, do I consider this as a sign to move on and shut the door?

[annie24]

. is because we dont know if and when we are goign to be married. I don't want to bring you to a position where you are not able to stay with me or move forward with someone else."

 

Big Hugs L!!! My take on the situation is that this guy has a lot of inner demons to contend with, many of which have nothing to do with you. I don't know how the job search situation over there is but i know here it can be quite brutal. then again, you found a job relatively quickly, no? what's the deal with him?

 

but of course, eventually, he will find a job. i mean, sooner or later, he will find something. it might not be his dream but we all have to eat no? so on one hand, i get why he doesn't want the stress of a new wife without a job.... but on the other hand, i think that is just life. if he has found a woman who accepts him as he is, and would marry him anyway, and she has a job, i'd say that he hit the jackpot!! i mean, life doesn't go perfectly and people sometimes change jobs or lose their jobs and those things shouldn't be the reason people do or don't get married or divorced.

 

i wouldn't really focus on this guy anymore. i would keep looking elsewhere for someone who is more serious about what you want. big hugs sweetie.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Annie. I haven't slept well last night. I had to go to work today. I couldn't focus there either. I just sat and tried to do something. I have huge work pending. I cried to my mother several ttimes ttoday. I am hanging in htere.

[LAYAAN]

cannot fall asleep. can't stay asleep. constantly thinking about what this guy really means. Is there someone else that has caught his eye? His parents are still here. He still wouldn't take me to meet them. What should I tell him? Why is he not afraid of losing me? He absolutely doesn't love me. There is lack of expression of any emotion and indifference on his part. What should I do?

[Ellie2006]

I agree with your mom and Annie.

i dont think he is being unclear about his intentions. In fact, he is being VERY clear. You are just not ready to hear what he is telling you.

 

also, I personally would have doubts if he would actually commit were he to get a job in the near future.

I feel like there'll always be something for him to put off the marriage ... it's getting a job now, but later, it might be about saving more money, or getting that first promotion or whatever...

 

i understand that you feel invested toward this person. the "smart" choice would be to let him go and find someone who's on the same page.

but relationships are not always about how "smart" or "logical" it is.

if you want to wait because you feel emotionally invested toward this guy and you think that is important to explore, then, and only then, i think you should wait for him.

 

BUT you should definitely do so with the full awareness that this relationship may not pan out in the way that you want it to.

 

i know it's hard. (hugs) good luck to you whatever you decide~

[marshmlofluff]

cannot fall asleep. can't stay asleep. constantly thinking about what this guy really means. Is there someone else that has caught his eye? His parents are still here. He still wouldn't take me to meet them. What should I tell him? Why is he not afraid of losing me? He absolutely doesn't love me. There is lack of expression of any emotion and indifference on his part. What should I do?

 

When a man is interested and emotionally available--especially in your culture--you do not generally have to lie awake at night analyzing exactly what he meant by the word "free."

 

Did you ever wonder whether never-defended-his-thesis guy wanted to marry? I think the way he acted is more typical of how someone acts who really wants to get married.

 

And now I think you should do what never-defended-his-thesis guy did when you weren't sure about him and showed no sign of returning home: Find someone who wants to marry you and makes that clear and simple--and move on with that person.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Ellie and Marsh.

Everyone is right. I hope I can forget him quickly and stay focused on my marriage prospects with other men instead.

I'm just so angry right now. Why bother meeting when you don't want to be with this girl? Why does he want to meet? I don't get it.

 

Talked to my mom. She said "Its going to hurt for a while, but I'm really glad that you went and met him. Now you know what is going on. Its better to know even if it makes you sad than to be left in a limbo and wonder."

 

A close friend called and said "Don't doubt yourself. Don't doubt your self-worth. You are a good woman that a guy should be happy taking home to his parents and the way he has acted has nothing to do with you. If he was that disinterested, he should not have continued to meet you and call you. You will find someone. Stay focused and don't stand in his way. Let him go."

 

Now I understand what the other guy must have gone through with me. God has made sure that I get to taste my own medicine.

[LAYAAN]

I know i know what is going on.

1st week of October when he met me, he said "I've observed quite a few times that you suddenly start thinking and get lost in your own world."

I snapped "good, you have at least been observing something."

I was angry. Here I'm trying to keep my mouth shut and not snap at you for not being there for me. I'm trying to be civil and this guy interprets that as my being lost in thoughts? why? b'coz I'm not talking and I'm not looking at you?

The reason why he has pulled away big time may be b'coz of this. He thinks I'm psychotic or something.

 

Another guy was bothered by this recently. He started talking. I was generally quiet b'coz I just couldn't relate. When he started talking about other girls, I turned super quiet. He kept asking "whats wrong? I'm concerned. Why are you so quiet?" I don't understand men. I am quiet, they complain. I'm talking they think I talk too much.

[Guest godislove4ever]

Hang in there! Your work can operate as your beneficiary of much energy and focus. Make that your safe harbor now. You will hear back from him, but keep your distance. Imagine the distrust you have for him now and how that would only grow with marriage. Always be yourself... and don't worry about talking too much - they will fall in love with you for being yourself and not trying to follow some other man's recipe. My thought is the one who was concerned over your quiet was concerned because it made him unsure of himself. He then blasted you to prevent himself from getting self-conscious and concerned. You sound like a generous-hearted woman. Good things are on the way - get your heart resources out of the gutter with these last few men and your investments will pay off soon I feel.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you godislove4ever. I really appreciate your response.

[LAYAAN]

He texted yesterday "I'm back in town. Do you want to catch up over lunch tomorrow?"

Me "I'm going out of town."

Him "Oh okay. When do you return?"

Me "Not sure."

Him "Call me when you are back."

I was hoping to get on a bus on Friday night and go see my parents. That didn't happen. Work took too long to get over. By the time I reached home the last bus was gone. It takes 14 hours by bus to reach my place. So, I ended up staying back in town. Ofcourse, I didn't inform him of this.

 

He texted this morning again.

Him "Hey, can I ask you something?"

Me "yes"

Him "Are you concerned about our last conversation? Is there something bothering you? I will be happy to help."

Me "Thanks for being concerned. Yes, I'll let u know when I'm ready."

Him "Ok. I will wait."

 

Do I grab this opportunity and talk to him about what has been bothering me? He acts distant in person. So, I'm wondering what is the point of meeting?

[marshmlofluff]

Do I grab this opportunity and talk to him about what has been bothering me? He acts distant in person. So, I'm wondering what is the point of meeting?

 

Sure...I'd say meet him once, and instead of trying to communicate indirectly via long silences or snapping at him, be honest. Tell him directly that you are interested in marriage, and like him a lot. That while you understand his concerns about his job, married people do sometimes go through periods of unemployment, and that those are times when you would particularly want to offer support to each other. That you are financially independent and you are interested in him for his personality and companionship, not for his ability to support you.

 

And then you ask him how he feels. If he says (as I think he will) that he still isn't ready then you really have your answer.

 

I think you should be firm and say that if and when he is ready to move forward, he can contact you--but that in the meantime you prefer not to stay in touch. That while you don't want to hurt him, at 34, you also need to take care of yourself; while you like him very much, you also feel that it is not good for you to make an increasing emotional investment in a relationship unless the two of you both have similar life goals and a similar timeline.

 

And then you walk away and move on with your life.

 

I've noticed that for the last few months, this thread has been almost 100% devoted to a guy who does not appear to be moving toward marriage. Meanwhile, we have heard almost nothing about the other men you have met. I am guessing that what you write on this thread reflects where you are putting your mental energy: on this man, and not on other men who might be reasonable prospects.

 

Speaking from my own past experiences, if you spend too much time and emotional energy on men who for whatever reason are not interested in marrying, marrying you, or marrying in the foreseeable future, or marrying YOU in the foreseeable future, there is a high probability that you will still be on this board in a few years hoping to meet someone. Also speaking from my own experience, men who are interested in commitment--no matter what culture they are from--generally make that clear.

 

Anyway whatever you decide with this guy, I hope it goes well.

 

I will probably stop reading/posting on eNA for a while, as my real life needs attention. But I will stop back at some point to see how things turned out with this guy. In the meantime, be strong and remember that you deserve a guy who does not play mind games and is able to commit to you. Also that no man can string you along, if you do not allow him to.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Marsh.

The reason (there is no other reason) why you haven't heard anything from me on other men is because most of them have turned me down right after 1st date itself. Whenever I meet someone, I make sure to come here and mention it.

 

Remember I wrote about the bald guy? I met him x3 in person. We talked on phone daily or once every 2 days. That was during late october, early november. It didn't go through.

 

I'm doing my best to meet other men. In fact, the reason why I wanted to rush to my parents' place today is because a guy there has expressed interest in meeting me. Since his entire family is there, they want me to go there and not have him come here to see me.

 

My mom went ahead on her own and has become a paid member on the other website. So, we are doing our best.

[LAYAAN]

This man and I met on Sunday. I couldn't sleep well at all that night.

Monday since a new project has started, I had meetings and test scenarios and all. On the same evening, no matter how aweful I felt emotionally and physically, I went to meet a guy.

[marshmlofluff]

This man and I met on Sunday. I couldn't sleep well at all that night.

Monday since a new project has started, I had meetings and test scenarios and all. On the same evening, no matter how aweful I felt emotionally and physically, I went to meet a guy.

 

This is exactly what I am concerned about. You meet Non-Committing Guy. Then because he is Non-Committing Guy, he doesn't commit, and you then spend the whole night worrying about him. The next day you are in a bad state of mind when you go and meet the next guy.

 

This is why I think it is probably best to just cut Non-Committing Guy off. The number of posts and level of intensity you have expressed regarding Non-Committing Guy suggest you are spending a LOT of mental energy on him. Even if just on a subconscious level, it is hard for me to imagine that the interaction with Non-Committing Guy is not negatively affecting your interactions with other men.

 

Just a thought.

 

I'm not saying you aren't making a lot of effort to meet men. But I think you also must be careful which men you invest that effort in.

 

The following is based on lessons I learned the expensive way: If you want to be married, spending a lot of time on a man who doesn't seem to want that is like trying to move a brick wall, and then getting anxious and frustrated that the wall doesn't move, and then deciding that the reason that the wall didn't move was because there was something wrong with you, and then trying to psychoanalyze the brick wall and understand its motivation for not moving. It's a lot of effort to try and move a brick wall--it just doesn't generally end up taking you in the direction you want to go in.

 

Oh, and also often people earnestly say they want to be married, and maybe they themselves even believe it--but their life/actions don't seem to actually reflect any desire or plans to settle down; maybe they don't have a stable job, or they've had a series of FWBs, or whatever. I found that those people can be the most dangerous time-wasters because if you take them at their word, things can go on for months/years. I think your Non Committing Guy might be one of those guys.

[annie24]

hey L - any updates??? hope you are well

[LAYAAN]

Hello everyone, hope you all are doing good.

I'm okay. I just didn't know what to write here. There has been no real news from my side. My job is going well. My office shifted to a new place which is quite far from where I stay so I have longer commutes. I've gotten back into knitting. I'm currently knitting a coin purse. Search for a man is still on.

 

The on and off guy... well, I dont know what to write about him. Things suddenly ended between us. Last time we met on 26 Nov. I was in short of words. couldnt express myself. Kept quiet, maintained distance. Between 26 Nov and 31st Jan, in a period of 2 month, he called me x2-3 to talk. "I don't want there to be distance between us or else it will get difficult." We had a very long emotional (1st time he got emotional) conversation. Then again he continued being distant.

 

In last few days he said things like "I don't think you are all that good-looking. I don't think you have a figure to die for."

I calmly responded "If you are done with me, just tell me so. Don't stay here and be disrespectful. As a friend, I will tell you to just move on if my looks, my weight bothers you."

Then again some days passed. He talked about something to the line of how he is unhappy that he is not getting sex from any source. I was furious and said "Just leave. Looks like you can't stay without sex and it doesn't really matter who you get it from as long as you get it."

Then again some days passed. He said "if you have to move on, what do your prospects look like?"

I was mad again "My prospects are great. You talk to me if you think I'm the right fit for you. Don't talk to me b'coz you think I don't have any prospects. Thats a poor way of choosing a life partner. You are smart enough to know that."

 

Mid Jan he called me and said its been too long that he has been out of work now. He wants to go to his parents' place to think over some things and possibly take some decisions. When he gets back, he would let me know. I said ok.

So, he called me early february "I'm back."

Me "so what have you decided?"

Him reluctantly... "ummm... nothing. I didn't get much time to think b'coz of certain obligations home, etc."

Me "Ok. That is fine."

 

and suddenly began the conversation that I did not plan on having at all. I have no clue how those words even came out of my mouth.

Me "Hey listen. I don't think I can continue talking with you anymore. You seem to be too relaxed for your situation. I've been repeatedly getting my hopes up and getting them crashed. Its time I took some decisions for my own life. I'm currently going through a lot in my personal life and I simply can't tolerate talking with you anymore."

Him calm as a log "Yes, I understand. I told you before as well, if I were in your shoes, I would have moved on long time back. I appreciate that you stayed this long. You are looking for the next step in your life. I don't understand where my life is headed. So, we are not on same page of life. I would love to stay in touch, but I know you don't want to. So, good luck and have a good life. I'm glad that I met you. Sorry it didn't work out."

Me "Oh... looks like you are having the final conversation"

Him " aren't you? You started the conversation."

Me " All I was saying was I can't continue to talk to you anymore. I don't want to stay in touch. If things change from your side you let me know."

Him "umm... ya. ok."

Me "Ok. I don't want to drag this conversation out any longer. I don't know what else to say."

Him "Yes, I know. Same here. I take the blame for what happened here. I was focused on my professional things. I know. I can't help it. You know where to find me if you want to talk or whatever."

 

So, that was it. I don't know what else to say. I really did not plan on having tthis conversation with him. I was just so frustrated and furious that I couldn't imagine talking to him another minute like nothing was wrong between us. I knew he was capable of shrugging his shoulders and simply walking away. He did exactly that. Now when I look back, I realize that I should have done it much sooner. In mid Aug when I started seeing signs, I should have called him out and should have told him, "look, if things change from your side, you let me know, but I can't continue talking." Staying in touch few more months didn't bring me anything except heartache. I'm trying not to hate him or be angry at him. I really hope that I can move on from this man and whatever happened between us.

[LAYAAN]

I have been having some health concerns lately. Went for an ultrasound. Found that I have a retrograde uterus. That has become an issue now in terms of possibility of getting pregnant.

 

I'm at a point in my life where I don't understand where my search for a man is going. I feel like a man who has been beaten down badly, but he doesn't even die.

 

A day ago, I was scheduled to meet a man from the matrimonial site. He didn't call me upto 5 PM. I thought, he had other plans and didn't bother and made my own plans. He called and started "you are immature. you are not serious about your personal life. I didn't go home b'coz i wanted to met you. i got ready." on and on.

I lost my cool and cussed like never before. This guys called me again at 2AM. I was in deep sleep, I couldn't even understand where the noise was coming from.

 

My mind goes back to what Lorrie Gottlieb wrote in her book. When you cross a certain age and find yourself single, the kind of men you have to deal with have more serious problems. Guys who are financially unstable, players, eternal bachelors, guys who have a mile-long list and no woman is sufficient to meet their requirements, guys who are too old for your age.... I wish, I wish I had listened to all this when I was 25, not 35. I wonder if I will ever find a decent guy to marry. Currently its a hopeless situation.

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[annie24]

In last few days he said things like "I don't think you are all that good-looking. I don't think you have a figure to die for."

I calmly responded "If you are done with me, just tell me so. Don't stay here and be disrespectful. As a friend, I will tell you to just move on if my looks, my weight bothers you."

 

What an idiot. Blah. And no, I think you look fine, and he does too. Otherwise he wouldn't have been talking to you for the past 6 months or however long it's been. I'm really glad that you brought up the conversation to move on. He's been stringing you along for too long. HUGS. you did the right thing.

 

HUGS. I understand how rough dating is - I'm there too. Well, doing nothing myself. I met a man I thought was promising but then he disappeared. oh well. whatever.

 

The other guy called you at 2 AM?? what a jerk!

 

did you two have concrete plans to meet? what was the deal?

 

I'm sorry about the medical issue. Wish I could give you a gigantic hug!!!!

 

L - you are a great woman. you're better off being single than being with a poop nugget. know what i mean??

[LAYAAN]

What an idiot. Blah. And no, I think you look fine, and he does too. Otherwise he wouldn't have been talking to you for the past 6 months or however long it's been. I'm really glad that you brought up the conversation to move on. He's been stringing you along for too long. HUGS. you did the right thing.

I think, he was done and was looking for ways to break up or he has started getting sex from somewhere.

 

HUGS. I understand how rough dating is - I'm there too. Well, doing nothing myself. I met a man I thought was promising but then he disappeared. oh well. whatever.

You have to keep trying. Why not consider hiring a matchmaker? seriously. Think about it.

 

The other guy called you at 2 AM?? what a jerk! did you two have concrete plans to meet? what was the deal?

From our conversation on Saturday, my understanding was that he had half day's work on Sunday, we were going to meet at 5 PM after his work. I was hoping to get an update on when we are meeting by 2-3 PM. He didn't call me upto 5PM. So, I thought that we were not meeting that day. I made other plans for the evening then. Finally when we got it touch, it was already 6 PM and he said things like I am not serious about my personal life and I'm immature. That got me mad. He doesnt even know me and is calling me these things? Would you go on a 1st date with a guy who calls you all this before you have even met? His defense was "you should have called me if I didn't call you". I said "No, once you ask me out, you have to follow-through. I am not going to call you and ask you if you forgot to call me." Its the cultural confusion i guess. Here also when men ask me out on a date, it is their expectation that I ask them "oh so what happened? what do you think about me?" 2-3 days later. That is not happening. If you ask me out, you have to follow-through. Don't expect me to take the lead and call you after a date. If our parents were involved, then I would ask my mother to do that, but its just us so if you want to follow-up you have to call. If he had been polite, I would have still gone out with him, but for him to make those accusations and call me at 2AM, I just closed the match.

 

I'm sorry about the medical issue. Wish I could give you a gigantic hug!!!!

 

L - you are a great woman. you're better off being single than being with a poop nugget. know what i mean??

oh welll.. its ok. it is there now. I will see what I can do.

I know what you mean. Now I know why some women decide to file for divorce instead of putting up with non-sense. No matter how lonely I'm and how much I want to be married, I need to draw the line somewhere.

[Ellie2006]

Hey L,

Annie is right, both guys were not right for you.

The on-and-off-guy ... yeah, maybe if circumstances had been different, who knows what might have happened.

But I think it speaks volumes about his character that he so easily bailed on you and tried to make you feel bad in the last few meetings.

Think of what might have happened if you actually married this guy and you two, as all married couples do, faced some major challenges along the way?

 

As for the other guy, pffffftttt ....

So inconsiderate!

 

It's laughable that he is calling you immature when he's the one who's pouting and fuming that you didnt wait by the phone waiting for him to call...

 

Maybe this is why I too am still unmarried but quite frankly, I'd rather remain single than be with a mean inconsiderate person. That's just me ...

 

L, chin up, girl! and I hope you get your medical issues resolved soon.