Thoughts, ramblings

[marshmlofluff]

We have met just x2. I know that its too early to say anything. May be I should just go with the flow and see how things play out. He has been decent so far.

 

Great! That's the first man I've heard you say that about.

 

Men who are not interested me, for whatever reason, are all great in my book. If a man is interested in me, I start finding faults with him and move on to men who don't want me and get hung up on them.

 

Well, if you recognize that pattern in your behavior, you can consciously decide not to be that way. If this guy is treating you well and if he is generally a match, then go for it and don't worry about his hair, I'd say!

[LAYAAN]

I'm not sure if things will work out between us. I'm just really sad. We had an argument.

I am working 12-hour day job on most work days. I'm currently put on a project that has tighter deadline and is a short term project while my other project is also going on. The guy is employed by his company, but is currently in between projects and has a lot of free time on hand. He doesn't like that I come home exhausted from work and have no time or energy for him. He wants to meet every weekend. Last Saturday he was with me from 11 to 4. I had to go back to work on my project so I could catch up with others. I said I can't spend any more time, he got mad. Called me afterwords and we argued.

Ever since I've moved to this place, I've been battling periodic stomach upset. I was drained yesterday. I asked him if it would be okay for us to not meet today. He got mad. Sent a text "Continue with your life. I don't think its is going to work out between us."

I called him and asked what was wrong? We had an argument. He apologized "I'm like this. I've lost a few friends b'coz of this habit of mine. You can decide if you can live with it or not. I'm working on it, but this is me working on it. I can't promise that this won't happen again. I do tend to blow up and people around me know not to take me seriously."

[LAYAAN]

Met a man from the website on 28th. I like him, he doesn't. Sigh!

[LAYAAN]

The bald guy met me today for 3rd time... told me that he acted the way he did last night, because he has ADHD and is on treatment since 2003. I just got home from that meeting. My singlehood continues....

[LAYAAN]

Out of nowhere, I get a text from the other guy (everyone has been telling me to walk away from).

"How are you? You totally vanished (We didn't talk for a month). Is this a good time to call?"

I was around my phone, so I said yes and he called.

"How are you? I'm coming to xxx (my current town) for a few days for the festival."

Me "Oh thats great! Nah... I'm here, just busy with work. I will be leaving for home the same day you land."

Him "Oh thats sad, but call me once you are back. I plan on staying there for a while (his parents and brother's family is here). We should explore the town a bit."

Me "umm... yes."

 

I don't know what to say/do. I'm willing to wait for him until he gets a job if he gives me an assurance that there will be a wedding. And I want him to say this on his own. I don't like it that he is not verbally or physically affectionate with me. Sure, he is ready to have sex. That doesn't count. I don't like it how he is cautious with his words. Like he would say "We are going to be together for a long time." but he wouldn't say "I want to marry you." Just a week ago, there was a big festival and I had a holiday. He didn't bother sending me a text or calling me. I thought it would have looked rude if I had not wished him on that day so I sent a text "Happy xxx". He replied "Oh ya. I'm with my aunt. How are you? Happy xxx"

 

Last time we met, I was trying to hide my anger and unhappiness about how things were going. The meeting was awkward. He tried to mutter few words. While we were waiting for food, I didn't sit with him and talk to him (we were meeting after a month). I left him there to see the decoration. When the food came, we just ate. I didn't say much, didn't really look at him, didn't stand close to him in the elevator, didn't sit close to him.

 

Now, I'm wondering, should I even talk about my expectations and my being unhappy with the way things are going? I have tried to talk to him about this before with no change. What do I do? Should I meet him and just go through the motions, get to explore the town, and be a cool girl that doesn't nag? I didn't like the way last meeting went. I hardly talked to him. We just ate, he paid and left. I want to connect. I want assurance. That doesn't seem to happen.

 

If I don't meet, would he think I'm no longer interested? Would he think I'm behaving this way because he doesn't have a job? Would he forget me?

[annie24]

Out of nowhere, I get a text from the other guy (everyone has been telling me to walk away from).

 

i think they have radar. they seem to know when you have given up and are walking away. that's when they call you.

 

i don't know how to answer your question. maybe it would be better to ask that of some women from your age range who have done the arranged marriage thing? like someone else pointed out (forgot who) - even by the Western time scale, i think that this guy is stringing you along. you're just getting breadcrumbs. i think - meh, i don't know.....

 

absolutely don't have sex with him under any circumstances though!!!! or really do anything.

[LAYAAN]

The bald guy has been acting crazy with me. Wouldn't stop calling, wouldn't stop texting. Why why why does this happen with me? He went on the site and quickly closed the match. Okay... that's fine, but when you close the match why would you keep calling? He started pushing me for an answer on Saturday. I said "No. I can't give you any answer now. You have given me new information today. I need time to process this. I already told you that I have a very hectic week coming up, then I'm leaving town to be with my parents. I'm not telling you to wait for me."

Then he calls me on Sunday and tells me how he was crying.

He calls me x3 on Monday. I have finally screened his no. What the hell is going on? Should I send him an email and make it clear that I don't want to proceed? He thinks that I'm leaving him hanging. My mother agrees "You take time to say no. Why do you do that? Until you give him a clear no, he will keep asking you. Might as well send him an email or a text saying that you can't proceed with him and mention that you don't stay in touch with people you meet for marriage reason only."

[LAYAAN]

i think they have radar. they seem to know when you have given up and are walking away. that's when they call you.

 

i don't know how to answer your question. maybe it would be better to ask that of some women from your age range who have done the arranged marriage thing? like someone else pointed out (forgot who) - even by the Western time scale, i think that this guy is stringing you along. you're just getting breadcrumbs. i think - meh, i don't know.....

 

absolutely don't have sex with him under any circumstances though!!!! or really do anything.

It was Marsh who said that.

[annie24]

Baldy sounds unhinged. was the new information his ADD?

 

I think Marsh is right. I really do think that even by western standards, he's been too wishy washy. meh. i would just tell him what is on my mind. say that you're looking for marriage on a reasonable time scale. since he has other stuff going on, you'd prefer not to stay in contact unless he is serious about this match leading to marriage. (or at least a marriage proposal and a date picked out!) you should spend your time focusing on men who are looking for what you are looking for. tell him you wish him well.

[marshmlofluff]

Baldy sounds unhinged. was the new information his ADD?

 

I think Marsh is right. I really do think that even by western standards, he's been too wishy washy. meh. i would just tell him what is on my mind. say that you're looking for marriage on a reasonable time scale. since he has other stuff going on, you'd prefer not to stay in contact unless he is serious about this match leading to marriage. (or at least a marriage proposal and a date picked out!) you should spend your time focusing on men who are looking for what you are looking for. tell him you wish him well.

 

Hi L! I am sorry to hear that the bald guy turned out to have a few screws loose--though I am glad you found out before things went further. Yes, I think the considerate thing is to explicitly tell him no, as your mom said, and not just disappear on him.

 

I think you should just be frank with the first guy and tell him that you have met enough times to know that you are interested in proceeding with marriage. If he is interested and ready to commit, he can contact you, but otherwise he should not; you prefer not to see him again or stay in touch with him, since you do not generally stay friends with men whom you met for marriage purposes. And then you need to stick to what you said.

[LAYAAN]

Baldy sounds unhinged. was the new information his ADD?

I think Marsh is right. I really do think that even by western standards, he's been too wishy washy. meh. i would just tell him what is on my mind. say that you're looking for marriage on a reasonable time scale. since he has other stuff going on, you'd prefer not to stay in contact unless he is serious about this match leading to marriage. (or at least a marriage proposal and a date picked out!) you should spend your time focusing on men who are looking for what you are looking for. tell him you wish him well.

Yes, that's correct. Not just that he had ADD, but he is on the treatment since 2003. He hasn't come off medication.

 

I can tell the other dude what's on my mind, only if I can find courage within me to do so. I'm really not sure if I will be able to retain him if I tell him that he shouldn't contact me unless he wants to talk about marriage.

[marshmlofluff]

I can tell the other dude what's on my mind, only if I can find courage within me to do so. I'm really not sure if I will be able to retain him if I tell him that he shouldn't contact me unless he wants to talk about marriage.

 

In that case, I think you never had him anyway, so there is nothing there to retain.

 

And if that is the case, you may as well find that out sooner than later.

[LAYAAN]

In that case, I think you never had him anyway, so there is nothing there to retain.

And if that is the case, you may as well find that out sooner than later.

Yes, you are right. I was thinking to myself "It has been a little over a month that we have been out of touch. After the festival, if he is still in the town, I can give some excuse that I can't meet him and if he insists then tell him this."

 

My mom recently said to me "Continue meeting him if you are still single and available. He isn't telling you to stop looking. Whats the harm in meeting? Who knows he might come around? His reluctance to take things forward may have nothing to do with you, but his own financial and job situation. Once that straightens, he may ask you for marriage instead of starting over with someone else."

 

From my conversation with him, my impression has been that he is not afraid of letting me go. He is not afraid of starting over. Currently, every part of his brain is taken by his job situation. He is definitely stressed out about that. When I was in the US, trying my best to get a job there and the guy here just kept pushing and pushing for marriage, I was really irritated. I remember telling him "What's your problem? Have I told you that I want to marry you? Have I asked you to wait for me? My project is delayed. You are pushing me because you want things done on your timeline. You don't care how it affects me. If you wait for a few months, we can meet and can decide if we should marry or not. Instead, you want to book a wedding hall now. You are free to move on if you are in that big of a rush."

 

His exams are coming up in a month's time. Do I really want to spoil by having this kinda conversation with him now? Ofcourse, I'm not sure how invested he is in me, but rejection hurts whether a man likes a girl or not. Besides, its not like I have another guy who has asked me to marry him and I need to talk to this guy and tell him if he doesn't choose me then I'm moving on. I'm thinking that I postpone this conversation, not meet him (give some excuse) and if he pushes for explanation only then talk about this. Afterall 2 men that swore by their love for me played the game just like this. They kept looking while they also kept talking to me and when they found someone and knew it wasn't going to fall apart they gave me an ultimatum "say yes now or I'm moving on". They knew very well I wasn't going to say yes then. This is how they saved their face. I can't say they cheated on me. There is grey area between complete truth and total lie.

[LAYAAN]

This man will remember that I created more turbulance in his life when he was trying to get his life in order.

 

I sure remember the UK guy saying to me "Well then fail your exams. I don't care. I want marriage now or else I'm moving on." This weighed heavily in my deciding against marrying him. If a guy doesn't care what I'm going through and is pushing his agenda now when we are not even married, would he care for what I want once we are married? I doubt it. Well, at least he had a girl to move on to. I don't even have that.

 

I'm not looking to meet with this guy. I'm really asking myself if this is the right time to have this conversation. Haven't I already had similar conversation before? And when you keep telling a guy the same thing nth time, your words no longer mean much. I'm distancing myself b'coz I think that is the right thing to do at this time for myself. I'm being selfish. He needs love now more than before, but I'm not giving him anything because I don't know what he thinks of me.

[annie24]

"Fail your exams I don't care" is such a harsh thing to say. I think you can tell him in a much nicer way that you are very interested in him, and you would be happy to marry despite his job situation. But if he is not interested, then you will move on because marriage is important to you.

[annie24]

Ps - distancing yourself is good!

[LAYAAN]

"Fail your exams I don't care" is such a harsh thing to say. I think you can tell him in a much nicer way that you are very interested in him, and you would be happy to marry despite his job situation. But if he is not interested, then you will move on because marriage is important to you.

Yes, I've seen quite bad side of his. Started acting out during my comprehensive exams.

 

Oh yes, I've told him this before. He knows it very well. I just didn't use the word "move on". I don't want to use it and not mean it. I don't want to find myself in a situation where I say I'm moving on and find no guy. In the mean time, he gets a job and finds someone else. Life has a way of making you eat your words.

[LAYAAN]

Ps - distancing yourself is good!

Yes, thats what I've been doing for past 1 month. We met on 1st Oct. I didn't text or call upto now. I only sent a text "Happy xxx" for the festival in last week of October. He should have sent a text, but he didn't.

We will see now what happens for the big festival starting today.

[marshmlofluff]

Last time we met, I was trying to hide my anger and unhappiness about how things were going. The meeting was awkward. He tried to mutter few words. While we were waiting for food, I didn't sit with him and talk to him (we were meeting after a month). I left him there to see the decoration. When the food came, we just ate. I didn't say much, didn't really look at him, didn't stand close to him in the elevator, didn't sit close to him.

 

Personally, I think telling him what is on your mind is better than behaving like this, and hoping that he reads your mind and figures out why. It's fine to distance yourself, just it's good to explain why you are doing it. Anyway you can wait until after his exam to talk to him, no big deal...this has already been dragging on for months, so one more month won't matter.

 

But your mom probably has a better perspective than us on the Internet, since she is actually there. So maybe what she suggests is good. Hard to say.

[LAYAAN]

I forgot to write this.

When I was walking home from my 3rd and last date with the bald guy, I was sad. I just kept walking towards my home after he got into the bus.

While in the US, I read Lorie Gottlieb's book "Marry Him". I remembered, she mentioned in that book somewhere 'If you wait too long to get married, you will have a pool of men with more serious deal breakers to choose from. Its no longer about if the guy is bald, short, ugly looking. This pool now comprises of men who can't keep their job, don't have a stable source of income, have psychological problems, have a mile-long list of expectations that no woman can meet (yes I've met some of those snobbish men in this marriage market), the eternal bachelor.' How right she is! I'm facing exactly that now. The kind of men I've met after coming back have made the never-defended-his-thesis guy that put pressure on me for marriage look like prince charming. I'm not even exaggerating.

My mind goes back to the time when I was age 25-30 and should have focused more seriously on getting married than getting too much education. My education can't do anything for me in marriage market. God knows if I will find anyone. This situation is not too hopeful. I'm hanging on and keeping my spirit up and it takes work to think positive.

[marshmlofluff]

Never-defended-his-thesis guy was introduced to you by your family; the rest of the men you've met online I think. Online--at any age--is a mixed bag...there are a few good fish floating around a sea of fish with emotional issues.

 

Anyway, I agree that it is harder to meet someone the older you get. I don't think it means that a reasonable man isn't out there; it means that he is harder to find and you have to work harder to find him, and that it takes longer. You have to know what you are looking for, not waste time on men who are not that or are not looking for the same thing, and be persistent. And then you have to let go every single thing that really doesn't matter in the long term--in your case, you might have to compromise on things like having an intercaste marriage rather than compromise on someone's integrity, character, or psychological stability.

 

At least 50% of my family these days has married intercaste both in India and in the US--and now that I think about it, of the women in my family who married at 30+, every single of them (India and abroad) went intercaste.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, I agree. Previously, I wasn't open to it. Now, I'm. I have no choice. As long as the man is decent, I'll consider going outside my caste.

[LAYAAN]

About 4 men on the site have left me hanging. Guess they are looking for greener pastures. One of those men said "I really like a girl, it would be great if she gives me yes or no so I can decide what to do with the rest." I realized I was among the rest and stopped asking him if he wanted to meet.

 

The won't-commit man saw me online on chat and said "Let me know when you are back in xxx (my work-city). We can catch up." x2. I got back on Thursday itself. Haven't called him. I texted to know how long will he be in the town and when is he planning to take his exam. He said he will be here for another 10 days and will decide on the date of his exam in next week.

 

I am thinking of giving some excuse to not meet him. I don't want to meet because I'm not sure what another meeting would achieve? Also, I'm afraid I would say something or blow up on him. My mom says "No, go meet him. Get to see new area. If you are not out with him, you would be sitting home worrying about your relationship with him. Why not spend that time with him then?" Sigh! I wish I could explain to her: everytime I'm with him, it makes me feel like 'yeah, I'm still in the running.' then again there is silence about marriage/meeting parents/engagement, etc. I get my hopes up when I'm with him 'may be he still likes me. Once he gets a job, he will come around. Hang in there.' Who knows what he is actually thinking about me? or he doesn't think its worth thinking about me. I'm not angry at him. I'm angry at myself for letting him sneak upon me. I don't even talk to men who are not available for marriage. And here I'm wasting my time with this guy.

 

I have some questions -

- When a man likes a woman, is serious about her, is he verbally affectionate while they are making out? We made out only once. The only words out of his mouth were "Our 1st time is going to be special." I took it all in. I never addressed it.

- When I asked him what turns him on in a casual flow of conversation at a later date and time, he said he wasn't comfortable talking about it. But then what was the making out about? I called him out on that. He didn't provide any explanation. He just said "Yes, I realize that my words and actions clashed." Nothing more. I didn't talk about it again.

- While making out he passed a remark suggesting that he wanted to proceed with sex and later said "I know you are not ready for it yet." What? Is that the reason you are keeping me on the hook?

 

I'm afraid that one of these days, I will just call him up and blow up on him. I'm afraid that one of these days, I'll see him dating women right under my nose. I hate all this nonsense and drama. I don't want to see him. I just need to come up with an excuse that will look genuine, but won't tell him about all this confusion I'm having.

[annie24]

if you do decide to meet him, keep the date in public, walk around, see some sights, maybe go see a movie together, but don't go to your place or his. he is super casual so you should be too. besides, you are waiting until marriage for sex, right?

[marshmlofluff]

if you do decide to meet him, keep the date in public, walk around, see some sights, maybe go see a movie together, but don't go to your place or his. he is super casual so you should be too. besides, you are waiting until marriage for sex, right?

 

I agree; if you do meet him keep it light and don't go anywhere you are alone with him.

 

By the way, when your mom suggests that you keep things going with this dude, does she know the full story--that he had a FWB before you, that he was making out with you, etc? If not I think you should tell her, and that way she can at least give you an opinion based on full knowledge of the situation.